Why me? This is going to be long - sorry

[Solomi]

I'm very emotional right now so I hope I can articulate myself properly.
My Dm and I have always had an ok relationship, my older DB is the favourite, even commented on by other friends and family. My dm has always denied this and said it's because I argue and it's the way that I am that makes her favour my db.
I am a quiet person but one that will always stand up for myself and others.. I'm never one to just agree I'm very opinionated this is true.
However I can remember from being very young I really felt the difference between how she looked at ny db and how she looked at me. I was always an annoyance to her and she definitely contributed to my low self esteem by laughing and making fun of me when I would sing or dance etc..
Despite this since I moved out and had my children I will usually ring her everyday just to chat. We do have little arguments but we'll usually just be fine the next day.
There have been times where shes very unfairly gone mad at me over something but when my db or sis in law have done the same shes said nothing.
Today I went round with the dc to see my parents, it started raining so we went into the back living room (we have gloves on and stayed more than 2 metres plus we have had the virus)..twice I told my dc to stand back as my dm walked past..the first time she looked at me and said I was insane, the second time she told me to never come over again and that I'm a ridiculous human being.
I started crying after she'd left the room, my dad saw me and asked me what was wrong, I told him I didnt understand why she was like this when I'm just trying to keep her safe, she came running in telling him that I'm a bad person and she was shaking worse then I've ever seen her, she said i was trouble and that she didnt understand why she had me as a daughter and that she was going to leave home!
My sis in law is much much stricter about this than me and she would never set foot in the house at the minute or let my mum and dad near their twin babies. My mum accepts that just fine. But why go crazy at me for the same thing?
For the record I have a great relationship with my db and dsil, it's not about them but why does my DM hate me so much?
And why the sudden shaking and calling me names out of the blue?
Her own mother when she was older had periods where she didnt remember my dm and would accuse her of all sorts and not let her in the home. I wonder if my mother is going the same way?
Sorry for the rant, im not even sure what anyone can advise me.I just needed to vent I suppose.

Take her at her word and stay away. Stop the daily phone calls, at least for now. Why make yourself a punching bag?

There are threads called the Stately Homes threads on here for people with toxic parents. Post there and people will understand.

Here's the current toxic parents thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3902065-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-May-2020-onwards-thread

Thank you @butterypuffin I'll have a look at it.
I think I've always been in denial about how toxic my mum is.
I've had a good childhood, never hit or been without anything so to me that meant that she was a good mum and she actually has been but at the same time I've always felt like an inadequate daughter and that I was an annoyance to her.

Parents that have favourites and show it do not give their DC "a good childhood" it is emotionally crippling.

If you didn't call her, would she call you?

If you call her and she kicks off about anything, you should just put the phone down - say something like, "Right, if you're going to talk like that, I'm going." Do it every single time.

OP,

Why are you causing yourself so much grief forcing such a huge amount of contact on a woman you are convinced doesn't like you?

Phoning her every day?

Apologies but WTF?

Back away.

Far.

What effect can this have on your children?

Take a complete break from being in contact with someone who makes you so miserable.

Some parents are not nice, have favourites and are basically shite.

Take a break, seek counselling and be kind to yourself.

But stay away from her and take a complete contact break.

I do it because I dont have many people in my life..im separated, I've moved cities about 5 years ago and all my close friends are far away, I work from home so have no colleagues to talk to..

Also for my dc..they a absolutely love my dps and the other gps arent in thier lives much.

I do hang up whenever she gets like this over the phone, she doesnt do it often it's in bursts though.

The venom when she was talking to me today was something else, she was shaking so much I thought she was going to pass out.shes not in the best of health.

Why am I such a nuisance to her though?
My dad tries to stick up for me but gets shut down by her.
I was ignored and made to feel invisible by my ex too just like my mum. Maybe it is me..maybe theres something wrong with me.

Granted on occasion I've wound her up by not agreeing with her on matters or by not taking her advice but today I hadn't purposely done anything.
I was smiley, laughing and joking and so glad to have been able to see my dp. I've missed them a lot.

Granted on occasion I've wound her up by not agreeing with her on matters or by not taking her advice

WOAH! Not agreeing or doing as your told is not winding someone up. You're an adult you can say "thanks but no" and thats the end of it.

You're allowed to disagree with her. You're allowed not to take her advice. That's what adults do.

It's not you as in it's your fault. It's you in that she's decided you're the scapegoat of the family.. the one she can always shout at or moan about when she wants an outlet. Stop being that outlet.

I've always felt like an inadequate daughter and that I was an annoyance to her.

My mum died two years ago. I can honestly say that while she wasn't perfect (who is?) she never, ever made me feel like that. That's not either. It's your mum who has let you down and I'm sorry it happened. I think you need to get out from under the idea that your mum's anger and nastiness are your fault. I would look for a counsellor to work this through with. And some ways of making other friends even if it has to wait a bit during lockdown.

Sorry I’m confused - was she angry that you brought the children into the house? Or because you told them to keep back?

She has convinced herself it is your fault. She must know consciously or unconsciously that she is being unfair or beastly to you. Most people will eventually not put up with it. But you keep coming back. This leads her to think that she is justified in treating you that way and you are lesser than others who pull back.

You need to try and put up some boundaries with your mother. You may put the phone down but then you call her again. She senses your neediness and puts you down as second class.

She is toxic to you. You cannot change her but you can change how you react to her.

@ExShield because she told him to stay back. But it would have been anything else if not that

Definitely work on finding some friends.

Stop calling her and going to visit. She treats you terribly and you don't have to take it.

OP, how old is she?

I think the beat thing you can do is back off. Cool it. Don’t see her for a while. Don’t see her too often. The less you see her the more she’ll respect you in fact

It’s hard though, when you want your mothers support I know. But you can try and find it elsewhere, even if it’s your inner resources that you need to rely on for periods.

Never put up with anyone who puts you down.

The venom thing? Ugh, I’ve had that too. It’s hard to comprehend and painful. Walk away or stand up for yourself. You don’t have to take it OP

She rushed back in shaking with anger because you and your father were talking about what she did, and she couldn't allow that in case she lost control of the narrative.

You really need to drop having so much contact. You're the scapegoat and your dB is the golden child, and your mother is toxic and a bad mother.

I'm sure these unfathomable and unreasonable behaviours by a parent to a child stems from their upbringing. Does she have siblings, was one favoured, was she favoured, did her mother have favourites, or her father, did her parent have mental health problems (she sounds extreme in her behaviour), it's only when you really look into these things that you can find answers to your DP's behaviour. Which means it is nothing to do with you, it is them.
Your need to be liked by this woman most likely stems from lack of love in your childhood.

Sounds like you are her scapegoat. I recognise that venom you describe, OP, my sister has it for me. It clicked in my 30s that she will never change because her irrational, unfounded feelings about me go so deep and stem from childhood. We are NC,.

I would for the time being back off, with the possibility of going NC. You don't need any more of this crap dragging you down. Things are difficult now, but in the future, look to finding people in your life that don't bring negativity into it. I know it hurts but it's not your fault.

She was angry because I asked my ds to step back, she doesnt like all the social distancing she thinks its pointless.
@Bluemoooon her brother was favoured over her and her 2 sisters and I've said in the my op that her mum had dementia and woulsnt allow my mother in the house when it was advanced.

When my dd was younger dm would look at her the same way and pretty much favours my ds over her saying that dd never listens to her (she doesnt, shes a very strong personality) but I made it clear from the beginning that I would not allow her to treat my dd that way, I call her out on it if she does and get pretty angry so she hasnt done that in a long time.

My db also wont allow her to do that although he denies that he favours him over me.

My dc need her and my ddad in thier lives I cant go no contact

I just think the only time I'm going to go over for now is when my db and dsil are also there, she has a smile plastered on her face when they're there.

I wont be ringing her. She definitely wont ring me I know that.

My ex heard what happened through my ds and this morning when he came to drop off stuff for dc he said, it was probably my fault..that makes me think it is. But for that reason I'll be Lc for a while. I could drop the dc off in the garden and not see her myself.

Just to clarify we wouldn't be going over for a couple of weeks anyway

Ignore your ex, he's ex for a reason! Sounds like you picked a partner that also likes to make you scapegoat.

If you aren't there to monitor are you sure DD won't get scapegoated? Your mother will likely need to get at someone if you aren't there to do that to...