Why me? This is going to be long - sorry

[Solomi]

I'm very emotional right now so I hope I can articulate myself properly.
My Dm and I have always had an ok relationship, my older DB is the favourite, even commented on by other friends and family. My dm has always denied this and said it's because I argue and it's the way that I am that makes her favour my db.
I am a quiet person but one that will always stand up for myself and others.. I'm never one to just agree I'm very opinionated this is true.
However I can remember from being very young I really felt the difference between how she looked at ny db and how she looked at me. I was always an annoyance to her and she definitely contributed to my low self esteem by laughing and making fun of me when I would sing or dance etc..
Despite this since I moved out and had my children I will usually ring her everyday just to chat. We do have little arguments but we'll usually just be fine the next day.
There have been times where shes very unfairly gone mad at me over something but when my db or sis in law have done the same shes said nothing.
Today I went round with the dc to see my parents, it started raining so we went into the back living room (we have gloves on and stayed more than 2 metres plus we have had the virus)..twice I told my dc to stand back as my dm walked past..the first time she looked at me and said I was insane, the second time she told me to never come over again and that I'm a ridiculous human being.
I started crying after she'd left the room, my dad saw me and asked me what was wrong, I told him I didnt understand why she was like this when I'm just trying to keep her safe, she came running in telling him that I'm a bad person and she was shaking worse then I've ever seen her, she said i was trouble and that she didnt understand why she had me as a daughter and that she was going to leave home!
My sis in law is much much stricter about this than me and she would never set foot in the house at the minute or let my mum and dad near their twin babies. My mum accepts that just fine. But why go crazy at me for the same thing?
For the record I have a great relationship with my db and dsil, it's not about them but why does my DM hate me so much?
And why the sudden shaking and calling me names out of the blue?
Her own mother when she was older had periods where she didnt remember my dm and would accuse her of all sorts and not let her in the home. I wonder if my mother is going the same way?
Sorry for the rant, im not even sure what anyone can advise me.I just needed to vent I suppose.

I think she would be fine as her db looks out for her as does my ddad.
She buys my dd toys just the same as ds but it's just that she let's ds get away with anything but not dd. Now that ds is older he recognises it himself and asks my dm not to do that.

Ex dp states that I'm argumentative and that's why he and my dm dont get on with me.
It's true to a point, I am argumentative but only when they're trying to push me or dont like that I disagree.
I have a lot of friends,albeit all far away from me now but I've never had trouble with any other relationships so I don't know if I am the problem or not.

I would like to seek counselling, I think it would help me tremendously. I dont know where to start though?

Here's what is wrong with you: You have been repeatedly emotionally abused by your mother while you were growing up. This has made it impossible for you to distinguish between emotional abuse and love, and to set boundaries for yourself. As a result, you have suffered the same in your own adult relationships.

Here's what you do: You start to listen to your feelings, and instead of arguing, KNOW that you are right. They are YOUR feelings, after all. Say to the person 'What you just said/did made me feel hurt/belittled/singled out (etc) Please don't do/say it again. If you continue to disrespect my feelings I will 'x'

Then you set a consequence. Then you follow through.

I've been where you are. It's time to start designing your relationships for yourself, and step 1 is to choose who to have them with.

This is NOT your fault. There's nothing wrong with you. Your 'argumentative' nature is a sign that you can feel your feelings. All you need to do is quietly respect them, and ask the same from others. No more arguments.

Your situation is the logical result of having an abusive parent, and not evidence that you have something wrong with you. Look after yourself.

I found that silent treatment from the aggressor was always a great opportunity for some peace and time to recalibrate and get away from the stress. I wouldn’t be hurrying back myself. Take some peaceful time out. LC or NC is a good way to go.

Ex dp states that I'm argumentative and that's why he and my dm dont get on with me.
What they mean is: when you DON'T behave like a doormat, which is what they want, they call you 'argumentative' to make you feel bad.

It's true to a point, I am argumentative but only when they're trying to push me or dont like that I disagree.
Yes, how dare you have opinions of your own! By the way, when they're pushing you, why is that not them being 'argumentative'? Or is it ok when they do it?

The BACP are the body who qualified counsellors register with. Google their website and you can then use their therapist directory to search for people near you, and also see what they specialise in and what they charge. You will have to pay (you can get NHS referrals but they take ages and are often restricted to certain types of counselling) but I think it would be worth doing if you can find the money for it, even if you had to space out your appointments.

OP, you sound like you have boundaries.

Some people cannot cope with this.

They feel entitled to treat those around them like shit.

When they get push back on this, the other person is difficult.

Do you have to stay where you are living, if you feel so isolated from those you care about?

Your ex absolutely means that you aren't a doormat and have boundaries and won't tolerate shit and neither he nor your mother can stand it!

Thank you everyone, I am taking the advice on board.
I need to stop feeling sorry for myself today and be proactive.
I will look at the BACP website too.

I will be taking a step back from dm for a while.

Drop her, then she’ll have something to moan about,.

There is a book I have seen recommended "Toxic Parents" worth a read!

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself today and be proactive

You need to stop minimising your feelings. This is the root of it: the way you view the validity of your feelings in the moment. If you need to accept that you feel shit, that's valid. You don't have to push it away and stop the feeling. I think the most proactive thing you could do might just be to accept that you're feeling sorry for yourself. It won't last forever. At some point it'll fade out naturally and you'll be all guns blazing!

"Parents that have favourites and show it do not give their DC "a good childhood" it is emotionally crippling."

I've often observed that a child who grows up being overtly treated as the favourite , can also be emotionally crippled by it. Some never really grow up into independent adulthood.

Hi @Solomi,

First off, this isn’t you! As PPs have said. This is her.

I too have a toxic mother. Like you , I spent many years saying things like ‘She did generally look after me, There are people who have it worse’ when I now realise that’s not the point.

I have never been good enough, I’ve never been grateful enough and I had the audacity to think independently, stand up for my beliefs and ultimately not place her at the centre of my universe to the detriment of myself.

I really recommend the stately homes thread and also a book I found really helpful: Will I ever be good enough by Karyl McBride.

I'm not sure a DGM who openly picks on their mother is a good grandparent. And worse still , like you, they are going to get the idea that you are unpleasantly argumentative to your own mother! How can they respect you if that is what happens. The children need a happy Mum first and foremost - maybe staying away from DGM would improve the chances of that.

@2bazookas my comment was referencing that none of the DC have a good upbringing and they are all emotionally crippled

Read up on the scapegoat/golden child dynamics.
You are lucky in the respect that it hasn't affected your relationship with your brother as this is usually the case with this type of toxic upbringing.
You may be able to change the dynamics by changing your own behaviour. This will be very painful for you as the chances are your mother will be enraged that you are not prepared to be her garbage bag any more - a place where she happily dumped all her own inadequacies.
OP - please believe me when I say there is nothing wrong with you.
The inadequacies are all hers, albeit it is sub conscious.
We should not be around.people no matter who they are, that leave us feeling worthless, downtrodden and miserable.

It is very possible your EX is only in your life because he is carrying some of the traits she has. Like seeing you as an easy target and enjoying blaming you (that's weird).
Seriously "it was probably your fault?" Was he there? Did someone make him the fucking narrator? No. It's none of his business, his opinions on YOUR relationship with your mum should not be heard, he is an ex, maybe start reminding him his opinions are not your ear pollution anymore
Next time you hear how argumentative you are as a criticism cut them off with a firm and quite curt
"Well if you will keep banging on at me full of venom and contempt like a big ol arsehole what do you expect? Now I've watched you pretending to be an adult before so I know you can manage it in short bursts, do that next time you see me. I'm sorry you're so rude but I'm so glad I don't live with you"" Then SMILE at those you love, glare at her (you're allowed) WAVE and leave the house, do not wait for her to respond. Do not slow down if she tries to talk/squawk or hiss at you.
She takes the piss, she behaves like a shit towards you and YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE ANGRY which sometimes involves dropping a bit of rudeness and leaving to be somewhere you don't feel like shit.

Shake sob and hyperventilate when you're out of sight, cry at home in bed but start faking it. You do not have to be the scapegoat, you do not have to be there. You will be happier

Why have you & your children been inside someone else's home ?

The current rules are that you visit someone OUTSIDE & stay 6 foot away from each other

If you visit again, stay outside with an umbrella or waterproof clothes

@DreamerDayz22 we were 6 foot from each other, probably more than that.

I video called dd today and he was shouting my mum over from the kitchen so she could see the kids..she declined..she just said no.
Shes never before done that, usually she may ignore me but not the children.

How can she never see when it's her fault or feel bad or anything? I've literally been feeling so sad since that day. She saw me cry, saw the hurt she caused and yet in her head it was all me.

@FridaKFangirl I'll look up the book thank you.
And thanks everyone for your advice.
I do always feel guilty for feeling angry at her behaviour but I shouldn't, I should be allowed to feel what I feel

You’re suffering in the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt, your mother is manipulating all of you. Your Dad is enabling it because she’s trained him to. You’re trying to understand what you should do to please her but the problem is you can’t, none of you. Is it really what you want for your kids, to see their mother treated like this? She won’t change.
I think you’ve got a good chance to break free from this. You can spend the time in much better ways than taking abuse from your family.

You’re welcome @Solomi! I really empathise and send you strength. I’ve actually just started having some talking therapy to help me manage self worth issues and lo and behold they want to ‘explore further some things I’ve said about my mother’s behaviour’. We’re going to use compassion focussed therapy and some Schema therapy. I’m hopeful it’s going to be helpful. You might find looking that kind of support helpful too. I’m accessing via work health insurance, which I feel lucky for

Do you think she might be mentally unwell? The start of dementia?

This is so sad. What's in this for you? It doesn't sound like she has appreciated what you do. The power balance sounds off. I'm not sure you can please her or be in her good books because she doesn't sound like a nice person and because you deserve way better. Don't worry. If you started this thread wondering if you were the bad guy, know that you are not.

Op, where in the country are you?

You need a friend.