Her demands are overbearing.

[Sunflowersok]

I need a rant about my mother, and how overbearing she is with her demands for me to take responsibility for her life.

She constantly asks for so much off people with a sense of entitlement that you her owe what she needs. She does not work. This was partly due to mental illness years ago but for the past few years she’s been making excuses not to. She will often, often!!! Play the victim. It’s like making up this victim scenario is what gets her by in life. I’ve tried helping her in the past setting her life up, getting a home for her. She has often had solutions to every single one of her issues but it’s like she enjoys playing the ‘poor me’ card.

She asks me a lot for money. Every week maybe. She lives with her son who is a few years younger than me who also is also entitled. He lives like a child in her home and rinses her. Will not cook for himself etc. He’s 25. He’s had so many job losses over his attitude not getting his own way at work I’ve lost count. At the moment he’s managed to keep one for the first 2 years of his life. He earns more than me. But for some reason barely pays anything towards her rent and he blows the rest on himself. If you need an idea of how much money He spends, over the past two years he Must be on to his fourth or fifth sports car. He will buy these, spend thousand on the insurance, pull them apart, kit them up, reckless drive, write them off, buy another outright in cash. Rinse and repeat. My mum is constantly asking for ‘scraps of coffee’ she is that skint. I know the first thought is to blame by brother for his shitty behaviour towards her, but she encourages it from him. I’m here working full time but having to feed my DD and run my home. Before I met my partner I had no savings at the end of the month as my income was stretched. She will not ask him for money because ‘He is only a baby’ and ‘but he works so hard for it’ or ‘but he has just bought another car so he doesn’t have any’ and instead expects me to fund her instead.

If I say no to her, she will make me feel so bad that I either give in, or she will send me nasty passive aggressive messages. I have called her outright once after she had me in tears for going on a night away with my partner to the theatre after refusing her a 100 loan. The night had been planned for 2 months and I wouldn’t have been able to go if I had loaned her.

She’s constantly asking for favours. Constantly. During lockdown it was ‘will you go to the shop for me’ or if you are ‘passing can you drop a scrap of washing powder off...’ (knowing full well i will just buy her a box, and if I say no, she will make me feel bad because it’s “only a scrap” of washing powder). Will you nip here for me. She knows I’m self isolating. She messages me every day with these demands. I live 20 minutes away from her so it’s a 40 minute round trip. I am working from home full time. I am homeschooling. She knows I can not run my daughter around here there and everywhere in the current conditions. Her son is furloughed at the moment but is ‘ Too busy working on his car’. She lives A 2 minute walk from the shop. She has no commitments.

She used to do this when I was working 2 hours away. I would leave the house for 6, get to work for 8, not Return home until 7 most nights. She would ask me to do a full shop for her on the way home from work, maybe twice a week, when I was knackered and all I wanted was to get home, get showered, put the washing on and eat. With the money she borrowed off me. She could have easily been shopping in that time I was working. If I said no she made me Feel bad because I was ‘passing the supermarket anyway’. She has often bitched about me to
her sister making me look like the ungrateful daughter. If I ignore her messages about favours, she will sent passive aggressive messages like ‘oh its fine I’ll just starve then’ or ‘I’ll hide from the bailiffs I’m sure they won’t find me’.

I confronted her after the theatre incident. She denied it all. And then it settled for a bit about the money, she never asked until Christmas came when she ended up getting a loan for a lavish Christmas of food and gifts, knowing she couldn’t afford repayments and would could just ask me to pay it back.

Yesterday she asked me to loan 40 for council tax as she was in trouble. I asked her how much she owed. She said 80 but she planned to pay a bit and then pay more when she could. I told her it might be better to ring them up and ask them to make a payment plan and put a few quid extra on her bill over the year to spread the cost, rather than borrowing off people and wondering where she will scrape the money up to pay people back. She said she will thInk about it. I gave her a perfect solution To her problem but she messaged back and said ‘I’ve thought about it and decided to pay the 40 now instead’. Meaning of my money. She had a solution for her issue and she decided It was my responsibility to pay it.

I don’t mind helping her out here and there but by doing so I am feeding in to my brothers lifestyle and their ridiculous head in the sand attitude to responsibility over their lives. I’m so very fed up. She’s been like this as long as I can remember and I just needed to write it all down.

@Zaphodsotherhead she doesn’t give me attention or love, I’m not used to not having it and I’m not bothered. She doesn’t ask me how I am, she doesn’t know what I graduated on or what I do for a living. She’s not interested. I’m used to it. I just don’t want the drama of a fall out from the family again, I don’t want to have any regrets and not have my mum in my life either. I think the main tie is my DD to her

If I say no to her, she will make me feel so bad that I either give in, or she will send me nasty passive aggressive messages

If you don't want to be responsible for her feeling bad, don't let her be responsible for you feeling bad. It's time for you to take responsibility for your own emotions.

Sunflowers, your mother has narcissistic personality disorder. Her son is golden child and you are the scapegoat. Lots of stuff online about this situation (google Narc Mum / Daughter relationship) and plenty of books. My mother had NPD and it drove me mad. She was very punishing if I didn't do or say exactly as she wished me to do or say. Often I would get it wrong (because how could I second guess what she had planned for me to say?) and it was then weeks of sulks.

Someone helped me understand how to break this. Basically you are in a 'dance' or a 'game' with your mother. Think of it like a circle with various points along the way. Your mother is controlling the game and you are co-operating. What you have to do is to break the chain and do something different so that you take control of the game (for me it was not trying to break my mother's sulks but to let the silence go on for much longer than she felt comfortable with - she gradually learned that she would lose me, and thus lose her scapegoat and over time this allowed me to be 'in charge' and I felt much happier).

So when she nexts ask you for money you need to say no in some way 'very sorry, but we've just had an enormous bill for xx and I'm very tight. I'm sure DB will be able to help just this once'. Yes, you will get the passive aggressive messages and you either ignore or you do the 'show empathy' method. My mother used to whinge about her problems expecting me to solve them or offer solutions and I learned to say 'poor you, yes, that must be difficult, let's hope a solution is found soon'. Rinse and repeat - keep saying the same thing 'poor you, poor you, poor you'. Eventually her arguments will go away - you are sounding empathetic and her 'poor me' statements are not achieving the result she wants. Don't offer any solution because she will bat those away.

So, in summary -
a) break the pattern of the dance/game you play with each other - do something different and shock her. Stick with it.

b) Offer empathy to her woes, but don't offer a solution.

and one more point:

Gradually reduce contact, don't call her, don't answer her calls or emails as quickly as you currently do - let her stew for a bit. Always maintain the moral high ground. Don't let her control you. This is an abusive relationship and you need to turn it round so that YOU are in control.

It doesn’t matter what MH issues your DM had or has. MH is not a green light and permission to exploit and abuse others.

Poor MH might explain some of her behaviours to you as a child - eg being preoccupied, distracted, not emotionally present - which left you emotionally abandoned and neglected. This is shocking enough but this then tipped over into proactive emotional abuse - manipulation, power, control and entitlement to your resources - time, money, practical support, headspace, energy, emotions - she will drain you of the lot.

This is compromising and polluting your experience of motherhood, your RS with your DP and your DDs parenting and childhood.

I had a mentally ill DM who parentified me. I made a “success” of my life - as I had learnt to be overly capable, overly responsible and adult far to young. But this left me with huge gaps in my own personal emotional development. Boundaries are/were an issue in many other areas of my life.

Parenting hasn’t been easy. I assumed I had to be the opposite of my role model but that is very problematic. I didn’t have a good enough role model - so how would I know what was the right or wrong way to do stuff.

I would use your finite emotional energy and headspace to erase her, her needs, her issues and trying to understand and fix them - and use that energy, time and space to learn about the damage it has done to you and how you can heal that so that you can be the best well rounded mother you can be for your DC. Prioritise your DD.

@squiglet111 yes I’ve had words with him many times and asked him to pull his shit together. He’s not arsed. He’s always been like this since he was a child - very greedy, everything was about money and power and status to him. He truly believes his ‘life is made’ because he got Himself a nice car, even if he couldn’t afford the insurance. He won’t lift a finger, has lost a series of relationships Because he expects to be mothered by them. He put his last one through hell, his actions and stupidity got him arrested and in a lot of trouble, owed her thousands. She ended up getting her own flat and he still wouldn’t stay over at hers because he would have had to cook and clean and help with bills. She broke free of his when she saw sense but I felt so bad for the poor girl. He will never change either. They feed off each other those two.

Oh OP, I understand this completely. My mum is exactly the same. She's disabled following an operation gone wrong, but has been the same her whole life. Always borrowing money, paying it back and then being skint again, or not paying it back, still being skint and asking for more.

When my siblings and I lived at home, she was taking almost £3k in board from us, plus a full time wage, and we still paid for all our own food, and often had to give her money at the end of the month. Now we're all moved out it's constant requests for a tenner here and there for milk and bread (really fags because I buy her almost £100 worth of shopping each month). She does the rounds of all 3 of her DC. She text my DSis the other month asking what she was going to do for her because I'd sent her shopping, and she thought my DSis should send her £50 to show she was as good a daughter. I've paid off rent arrears and council tax arrears 3 times since I moved out 10 years ago.

It's so confusing as well. You have people on one side saying you should do anything for your mum, especially since mine raised us alone, and my own conscience is saying I can't leave her without food, electric etc. but then there's the fact that we're making it worse by giving in.

I've cut my mum off 3 times now. I didn't speak to her for a whole year at one point, after she manipulated my then 5yo DD into giving up her pocket money. I still don't know why I started again. I wish she loved me for who I am, not what I can give her, but she just doesn't have the capacity for that. It hurts and it's awful.

I think you need to sort the after and before school clubs.
Tell your mum you will instead sort visits when you can be with your DD and do something. This way you can stop paying her phone bills.
Requests for money...I wish I could but I am broke, bills have risen, so I can't afford to pay for cleaning.
Change the locks if she has a key, post how you broke a key or list them.
All holidays, tell her your DH pays for them, and how he is such a good son as he helps his mum, and it shows how much he loves his mum.
Agree never try to solve her problems, just ask her has she asked her DS if he can think of anything.

I think you need to go LC and refuse all money handouts

She needs to go and work herself, or start charging your brother rent

Even giving your mum £5 a week adds up to over £3000 by the time your DD is 18, that's 6 months tuition fees. Your mum is still very young, she could work for the next 16 years but she fully intends to leech off you. If she can't work she will be assessed and get the necessary benefits. She is not your responsibility. Don't pay her for cleaning or childcare. Stop. Make your DD your financial and emotional priority. You can do this

I’m so sorry jakeChambers, they sound like exactly the same person. Especially what she did you your poor DD.She used to steal my birthday money when I was younger, I don’t know how these people can put their own needs before children of their own blood. Yet it is still ever so difficult isn’t it

The only way out of this is to say no.
Then block so she can't send you abusive messages.
It's hard but once you start it will get easier.
Then you will grieve for the mother you were supposed to have. Not this abusive one who doesn't care about you.
It will be a process but if you don't start it, it will never change.
Try the 'we took you to Stately homes thread'. There is a lot of support on there.
Good luck.

Your mother and brother are in a codependent relationship with each other. You are also codependent, she taught you how to be so and she also trained you from childhood to serve her whilst putting your own needs last.

Re your comment:-
"I don’t want to be used and I don’t want to be felt like I’m responsible for yet another adult"

But this is already happening and your DD is seeing this too. You really do need also to protect your DD from your mother, she is too young here to realise she is also being manipulated.

Agree with Gutterton, focus the energy, healing and compassion on yourself. Lavish yourself with it even. Thats the only way to do it, every time xxx

The first time you say NO and really mean it is scary as hell but so empowering when you actually follow it through and do not give in to her demands. You can continue to advise her on things like calling the Council Tax office but DO NOT give her any more money or shopping.
Draft an email to send to her. Keep it short and factual without being rude.

I had to do this with my mother and it’s the best thing I ever did. I understand the emotions are complicated but don’t allow her to treat you this way any more.

I’m going to ignore the request for Ct help I’ve given her a solution.

I’m going to stop giving in to any attempt to loan her anything. I’m going to say politely no to any request to go shopping for her as she has my brother there. She’s been cheeky enough to say ‘if you can’t, can your DP go as he is passing mine on the way’ and it pisses me off!! It hurts me even more knowing how kind my DP is that he would happily do this for her despite being out of the house working for 12-15 hours a day, and there’s a chance for him to be manipulated and taken for granted. I’ve stopped her phone bill payment (it’s only 8 a month, but it adds up) so she can figure some thing else out. I’m fed up to fuck with it all.

Thank you for letting me rant and giving me your input and advices. I’ll follow up with how she reacts from all of this because it won’t go unpunished

Just think when you go to hand over that £40 “no...I’m not paying for my brother to have another new car”

Cos technically you are by giving your mother money.

If the house is dark and has no heating, oh well. It’s summer. She won’t freeze and your brother won’t like having no electricity either

She’s not abusive or anything so warrant full NC - I tried Nc when I was younger, I left home when I was 13 because of her ways and her mental state and she tried killing herself.

How can you say she isn't abusive. Of course she is. She's mentally and financially abusive.
I'd do what someone early on said. Next call for money, say you were just about to call her to ask for some money as you are broke this month.
Chances are it'll still be all about her. you will need to block her on everything and let her sink or swim, she needs to turn to your brother to get support now as he lives there.

I think you need to read up on narcissistic personality disorder and being raised by narcissists. My fiancée has a narcissistic mother and brother, she is the scapegoat. To be blunt, your mother does not love you, she is incapable of loving anyone, all she cares about is herself, she will use every trick in the book to get you to do what she wants, she will never admit she has done anything wrong, because in her head she never does. She will always be the most important person, other people are just tools for her to use to fulfil her wants and needs. She is highly skilled at manipulating people, she knows all the buttons to press, she has no guilt over this, she will lie through her teeth, she will never change, because the problem with NPD is that they can never see anything wrong with themselves or their behaviour to try to change. She believes she is always right, and if she was ever wrong then it was because of something someone did, or it wasn’t that bad and people are over reacting. She is always the victim. She does not care about you or anyone, she only cares about herself and getting people to do what she wants. If you no longer fulfil her needs, whether that’s financial, being the scapegoat she can blame and abuse to make her feel good, someone she can vent at etc she will discard you.

Once you understand this, you can start to break the cycle, you can see through her blatant manipulation.

Once you see that her not talking to you is Not a punishment, you can change your mind set.
Remember she never gives you love, so your not losing anything your gaining however many days of not pandering to her. Do not text or call her, she loves being able to see you begging for the love she will never give you...
And you can call her on it.
Next time she gives in and begs you for X, after ignoring you, just say ... Sorry the answer is still no and if you feel this means you will ignor me again, I am fine with that.

OP, every good and normally functioning parent wants the best for their children.
Your mother is none of these.
Her golden boy can pay for sodding washing powder if she’s so eager to wash his clothes.

By giving your mother money you’re taking it away from your DD.

Your mother has choices, so has her son. Your DD has not.

Please disengage from your birth family and concentrate on your DD.

No parent is better than bad parent

Do you think her son knows about these requests to you. In addition to saying no, I'd be batting it back at him by text
"Mum has just phoned asking for money for council tax for your home"
"Mum is asking me for a scoop of washing powder to wash your clothes"

If there is going to be trouble when you start saying no, it may as well include the son as well. Let him complain to her about the effect her begging is having on him, perhaps the penny will drop for one or the other.

Remember: you cannot change someone else. You can only change yourself.

You started this thread saying you needed a rant. Ranting and not changing your behaviour won’t change a thing. I am glad you seem ready to do things differently now.

Good luck.

I had a friend like this (easier than a mum, I know). She was asking for loans too frequently. She did pay them back... eventually... and then ask for another loan. I told her that I was buying a house, pooling my finances with DH and there would be no loans ever again so she needed to sort her shit out. That's when I discovered that she had a 20k debt! I told her to sort it but I'm not helping. She never asked again. Surprisingly, she is still my friend, I didn't expect that tbh.

You need to tell her no more money. She is using you. If you lose her over money then it is clear that you were just her purse.