Her demands are overbearing.

[Sunflowersok]

I need a rant about my mother, and how overbearing she is with her demands for me to take responsibility for her life.

She constantly asks for so much off people with a sense of entitlement that you her owe what she needs. She does not work. This was partly due to mental illness years ago but for the past few years she’s been making excuses not to. She will often, often!!! Play the victim. It’s like making up this victim scenario is what gets her by in life. I’ve tried helping her in the past setting her life up, getting a home for her. She has often had solutions to every single one of her issues but it’s like she enjoys playing the ‘poor me’ card.

She asks me a lot for money. Every week maybe. She lives with her son who is a few years younger than me who also is also entitled. He lives like a child in her home and rinses her. Will not cook for himself etc. He’s 25. He’s had so many job losses over his attitude not getting his own way at work I’ve lost count. At the moment he’s managed to keep one for the first 2 years of his life. He earns more than me. But for some reason barely pays anything towards her rent and he blows the rest on himself. If you need an idea of how much money He spends, over the past two years he Must be on to his fourth or fifth sports car. He will buy these, spend thousand on the insurance, pull them apart, kit them up, reckless drive, write them off, buy another outright in cash. Rinse and repeat. My mum is constantly asking for ‘scraps of coffee’ she is that skint. I know the first thought is to blame by brother for his shitty behaviour towards her, but she encourages it from him. I’m here working full time but having to feed my DD and run my home. Before I met my partner I had no savings at the end of the month as my income was stretched. She will not ask him for money because ‘He is only a baby’ and ‘but he works so hard for it’ or ‘but he has just bought another car so he doesn’t have any’ and instead expects me to fund her instead.

If I say no to her, she will make me feel so bad that I either give in, or she will send me nasty passive aggressive messages. I have called her outright once after she had me in tears for going on a night away with my partner to the theatre after refusing her a 100 loan. The night had been planned for 2 months and I wouldn’t have been able to go if I had loaned her.

She’s constantly asking for favours. Constantly. During lockdown it was ‘will you go to the shop for me’ or if you are ‘passing can you drop a scrap of washing powder off...’ (knowing full well i will just buy her a box, and if I say no, she will make me feel bad because it’s “only a scrap” of washing powder). Will you nip here for me. She knows I’m self isolating. She messages me every day with these demands. I live 20 minutes away from her so it’s a 40 minute round trip. I am working from home full time. I am homeschooling. She knows I can not run my daughter around here there and everywhere in the current conditions. Her son is furloughed at the moment but is ‘ Too busy working on his car’. She lives A 2 minute walk from the shop. She has no commitments.

She used to do this when I was working 2 hours away. I would leave the house for 6, get to work for 8, not Return home until 7 most nights. She would ask me to do a full shop for her on the way home from work, maybe twice a week, when I was knackered and all I wanted was to get home, get showered, put the washing on and eat. With the money she borrowed off me. She could have easily been shopping in that time I was working. If I said no she made me Feel bad because I was ‘passing the supermarket anyway’. She has often bitched about me to
her sister making me look like the ungrateful daughter. If I ignore her messages about favours, she will sent passive aggressive messages like ‘oh its fine I’ll just starve then’ or ‘I’ll hide from the bailiffs I’m sure they won’t find me’.

I confronted her after the theatre incident. She denied it all. And then it settled for a bit about the money, she never asked until Christmas came when she ended up getting a loan for a lavish Christmas of food and gifts, knowing she couldn’t afford repayments and would could just ask me to pay it back.

Yesterday she asked me to loan 40 for council tax as she was in trouble. I asked her how much she owed. She said 80 but she planned to pay a bit and then pay more when she could. I told her it might be better to ring them up and ask them to make a payment plan and put a few quid extra on her bill over the year to spread the cost, rather than borrowing off people and wondering where she will scrape the money up to pay people back. She said she will thInk about it. I gave her a perfect solution To her problem but she messaged back and said ‘I’ve thought about it and decided to pay the 40 now instead’. Meaning of my money. She had a solution for her issue and she decided It was my responsibility to pay it.

I don’t mind helping her out here and there but by doing so I am feeding in to my brothers lifestyle and their ridiculous head in the sand attitude to responsibility over their lives. I’m so very fed up. She’s been like this as long as I can remember and I just needed to write it all down.

Its sounds terrible for you. The way I see it is that she wont "starve etc.

Imagine if you didnt lend her cash or bits of things for a month. Your loaded brother would get up in the morning and no coffee, look to make lunch and no food, looks for his clean clothes and they are not done because there is no washing powder. Hes not going to then not put his had in his pocket for a shop, it is the effecting him. Same with the electric etc, once it effects him he will have to put his hand in his pocket to rectify it.

As it stands it's all still comfortable for him because you are paying. He hasnt had to go without.

If the bailiffs come round and your mum doesn't have the money to pay then they will look to see what assets they can take from the house. Unless your brother has proof that he has bought everything of his in the house, they will take them too. Then again see how quickly he put his hand in his pocket to help your mum.

It's not all your responsibility. Not only are you enabling your mum but your brother too. The reason he can afford to waste all this money is because you have basically been paying for him to live. That needs to stop.

Really hope you get sorted.

@YippeeKayakOtherBuckets

Yes I mention my brother every time but she constantly bubble wraps and makes excuses up for him. I don’t know why she has always treated us so differently.

She smokes and she has been known to drink yes, but not every night

You have to stop because your brother is going to ponce off you when your mother has gone, which will be for the rest of your life.

@Sunflowersok I'm so sorry but you are enabling her, and her behaviour is emotionally abusive. In any functioning family there is always guve and take, and helping each other out. But this is NOT what is happening here. You have been made responsible for your Mother's physical, mental, emotional and financial wellbeing all your life, bit when has she been there for you, like a normal parent would be? I know it won't be easy, but you really do have to stay strong and say 'No' every time she asks you for anything, and call her on her emotional blackmailing. Tell her what she is doing won't wash with you anymore and she needs to learn to be a responsible and decent human being. Tbh, she sounds awful, and you sound lovely.

...and he is effectively poncing off you now anyway

She will not starve to death to prove a point. She sounds like she's not living to her means and that's something she needs to figure out. This is emotional abuse, and your brother is a part of it. At 25 he should be spending less on his cars and more on his bed and board.

OP think of it this way, you're giving away money that you could be using for DD. As a parent you provide for her. Is your parent doing that for you? No she's a sponge.

I'd suggest blocking her from your phone for 3 days, then unblock her and see how she got on. She will learn, a bit like a toddler

Your mother will indeed go onto to treat your DD just like you are being now.

And your partner's suggestion re helping out your mother as well is also crap as well as enabling. It will only give you a false sense of control and does not help your mother any either. Your mother wants you and you alone to keep on bailing her out and being responsible for her crap life and poor choices.

Drop the rope she keeps on holding out to you, she will give you no peace otherwise. Deal with your FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) through finding a BACP registered therapist and one at that who has NO familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

You need to do tough love. People will do this with adult children who constantly feel entitled. You need to do it for your mum.
Next time she asks, you need to say no. She will guilt trip you, but you need to stay tough and not give in.
It won't be easy especially as she thinks that she knows as soon as she whines and guilt trips you, you will give in. But you have got to see it through.

If she is sitting in the dark because she hasn't paid her energy bill, that isn't your problem as much as she wants you to think it is. She is a adult and needs to behave like one. Your brother still lives at home, make him the one more responsible for her.

It won't be easy, but by staying strong and saying no each time, she will eventually get the message. And ignore relatives that also try to guilt trip you. If they are that concerned tell them to put their hand in their pocket! Good luck.

The more you give into her emotional blackmail, the more she will tap yo for money and suchlike.

As to why she has treated you and your brother so very differently who knows but narcissistic parents often make a golden child/scapegoat dynamic happening within siblings.
You probably on some level too remind her of your dad, a man whom she has always hated. It can also be as base as that.

Why do you describe her as living 'with her son' -so not your brother or step / half brother?
Do you actually know that she sits at home without electricity or is this just what she tells you ?It's surprising that your working brother would put up with living without electricity.
Doesn't sound like your 'brother' is doing too badly seeing as he's earning more than you and 3 years younger and not a total waster then holding a job for 2 years. I think you'll find if you stop doing it all, he'll have to step up. If he doesn't, that's their problem not yours.

And next time she asks for a scrap of coffee, give her a scrap. Nothing more

It’s called FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) this is the toxic soup she and your family/friends put you in. You only do stuff because you are triggered into one or all 3 of these feelings.

These feelings are never a healthy way to think, act and live. If you feel the need to comply with a request by one of the FOG feelings - you should not do it. This is your body telling you it is wrong.

You have been neglected, abused and manipulated by her all your life.

Everything you give her is something less that you have to give your daughter - time, headspace, emotional energy, money.

She robbed your childhood. Don’t let her rob your daughters.

Emotionally detach in your head. Emotionally turn your back on her and turn towards your daughter instead. Your daughter needs a confident, assertive, happy Mum - not one run ragged, emotionally drained and negatively preoccupied.

Put in boundaries.

Withdraw day by day from your Mum.
Do not be so readily emotionally or physically available to her.
Only answer her calls or texts once a day.
Keep them short.
Repeatedly say

“No. That doesn’t work for me”.
“No. I am not able to do that”

The answer to the “Why not” and the pleading - is just - one more repeat:

“Because it doesn’t work for me”
“Because I am not able to do that”

Then after being pestered a 3rd time:

“I have made myself clear / answered your question repeatedly / have nothing more to add / I need to say goodbye now”

She will not starve, she lives with her son (?your brother) who works and has enough money to buy fancy cars outright in cash, it’s more likely that he does pay his fair share, but just like how she lies about you, she’s lying about him not helping her or being able to help to manipulate you into doing what she wants. If he lives there too, what does he eat when she’s “run out of money” and can’t apparently even afford a loaf of bread? He’s not going to starve when he works and has all this spare cash, and I’m pretty sure he’s not going to let your mum starve either while he’s eating there.

She’s a manipulative liar, don’t trust a word she says, she’s been lying about you and stealing from you. You need to see her for what she is and see through her manipulation, she comes to you because she knows you’ll do what she wants. Tell her you have no more money to give her, if she starts being abusive don’t respond, she’ll soon learn her tactics aren’t going to work any more.

It's called "parentification" among other things. Awful thing to do to a child.

Very much warrants no or very low contact.

I agree that you are enabling her. You have done a lot of moaning but I don't think you are actually going to do anything about it.
there was a similar thread on here yesterday about a husband supporting his parents. There was a huge outcry and the OP was prepared to leave her husband over it.
Imagine that it is your partner's mother begging from you. I bet you would be much tougher.
Be strong and act now.

There’s so much good support and advice from all of your responses, it’s made me feel less of a horrible person and more that I have good reason to stand up to it.

I have been stricter with her lately after her constant messaging asking what I was up to today all day every day when she knew I was working. And then she called me out for being ignorant when I didn’t respond. I shit her own and told her that she knew I was working and I don’t have the time to message her day in and day out. She didn’t message me for days or answer my calls after that. Her way of punishing me? I don’t know. now she’s back to asking me for money.

I will say no to the council tax to her as she has a way of fixing it by this payment plan. Come to think of it too I’ve given her 30 already this month for cleaning which she’s not done yet as she has ‘no way of getting up to my house without a lift off me’ and with social distancing at the minute I refuse to do so

You really are going to have to be strong here. You are absolutely enabling her and she knows how to play you. Her needs are no more important than yours. Your priority is your partner and your DD. You are not responsible for your mothers bad choices. Nothing will ever change if you continue to enable her appalling behaviour.

I speak from bitter experience by the way.

Sto enabling her!

She will not starve or lose anything she is a grown woman and she has your brother,when she can no longer come to you she will have to turn to him and when he says no she will have to grow up and stand on her own 2 feet!

Block her on your social media and think about getting another cheap mobile and either use that for everyone but your Mum or use it only for your mum so that way you'll know what's coming as soon as your phone goes off and you can ignore it!

@Elsiebear90 he would let her go hungry he’s done it before. He is in the mentality that he owes her nothing because he’s her child. They are very much the same.

To the poster who asked if I know she sits in the dark with no electric too. The answer is yes and it’s a common thing for her to do. I honestly believe she kinds of revels in it

Hang on, what? How old is she?

Why can't she get a job?

And if you're at work all day and she's at home why can't she do her own shopping?

She sounds horrible — I couldn’t put up with this toxicity in my life. Do you not think it would just be easier to not have her in your life? I find it quite easy to opt out of relationships that are causing me harm - it’s very liberating!

Find your backbone (sorry!) and stop letting her manipulate you. You are allowing this. Just stop - it really is that easy. Just say no. In time she will learn you are not a walking piggy bank and stop asking. Then maybe she will start making your db pay his way.

She does it because you are a soft touch and when she tells you to jump you say “how high?”.

I really relate to the financial aspect. I often had it described me to that I had become the 'elder' and was responsible for looking out for my mum with security when really it was meant to be the other way round. I read it as being a 'parentified daughter'. It was such a painful place to be in, she would ask me to pay her rent but never asked anything of my brother.

I don't really have any practical advice as she died but I wanted you to know that I understand the pressure and also expectations put on us to look after our parents even if it's to our detriment.

I think the pointing out you're struggling too sounds like a way forward but only if she's willing to listen.

I totally agree with the comment that she stole your childhood so don't let her steal your daughters.

My mother was a narcissist. I was the scapegoat and my sister was the golden child. Mother threw me out of the family home and cast me aside at 17 because I stood up to her. I went no contact for the rest of her life and never let her near my son.

When my golden child sister had her own daughter my sister then became the scapegoat whilst the granddaughter became the golden child. Unfortunately both my sister and her daughter are as narcissistic as the mother and I've had to cut ties.

I've rambled a bit, but my point is you wouldn't believe the difference in my son and my sisters daughter with one of them having no contact and one of them having full contact. You must protect your daughter.

You wouldn't believe the difference

Op I get this 100% my mum and my sister are like this and it’s so ducking annoying especially when I have a 6 month old baby to get ready to nip to the shop for one of them. They both ask me all the time as I drive and they don’t and I understand that it’s hard to say no.

An example for me was yesterday, my mum asked me to go and get some stainer from a diy shop. She said I’ll transfer you the money to buy it. Bearing in mind the intense heat yesterday. My son was sweating cobs, tired, and I wanted to get home to get him cooled down as we were out on a walk.
I said in out she said perfect you can go on your way home. Like I would want to stand in a queue for 40 mins in sweltering heat so she can paint her garden fence.

I thought bollocks to this and said my priority is my son and not your garden. It was all a joke after I said that.

If you don’t feel confident to say no then don’t reply.

I won’t feel confident saying no every time to my mum and sister but I just don’t answer the phone.

Speaking of which, my sister has just text me right now asking me to go pick a dryer up for her! Mama05’s taxi service!!

I wouldn’t mine if the favours went both ways but my mum barely makes effort to see me let alone her grandson who’s she’s seen maybe 5 times since he’s been born. And my sister I have to literally beg for a favour but I have to give so much more back.

What do your friends IRL think about how you're allowing yourself to be treated? What would you want your daughter to do if she ends up with a partner or child who treats her the way your mum treats you? It's a terrible example to set, if your DD is even remotely aware of the dynamic between you. I'd ring the Samaritans, or discuss with your GP, because clearly you know going NC or very low contact with firm boundaries (knocking back all her unreasonable demands/blackmail) is the way forward and you need help to manage this. This woman is fundamentally a messed up person and for the sake of your mental health and your relationship with your daughter you need to disentangle yourself. I'd prevent her having a relationship with your daughter too, or that'll be a way to continue to manipulate you and of course your daughter won't understand why mummy won't help grandma when she is starving (eyeroll!)