I thought my relationship was solid F(29) M(31). We had a healthy and incredibly happy relationship. We rarely argued and when we did we would be able to communicate effectively in order to get past it.
We were best friends we would frequently stay up talking into the small hours on a Friday night because we loved each other’s company so much.
My fiancé was the most loving dedicated men id ever met. Told me I was beautiful and he loved me 20x a day. Always tactile and hugging me. We were supposed to be getting married (if cornona would allow) in August.
The only issue was the sex which I tried to fix continuously. We had a good sex life at the beginning it was very passionate and the most exciting I’d experienced initially but it kept decreasing. It went down to once every 2 weeks. (I have a very high sex drive so this wasn’t good)
I always tried to engage in communication about our sex life. It was such a shame how much it had decreased. I have always been a bit of a sexually submissive and had wanted to tell him.
But my attempted communication about sex was always shut down. I was fobbed off and told that he had a low drive and wasn’t that into sex.
I was told that he was faking it at the beginning to please me but that he couldn’t keep it up. I felt like he thought I was an over-sexed pervert.
When I tried to initiate sex I was turned down. When we did have sex he would loose his erection. I bought his excuse hook line and sinker.
A few days ago I was on his phone searching for an email from the company who are providing the decorations for our wedding and I came across an email from the website adult work.
When I opened it up it said ‘this email is not spam you have received it because you have an active account on adult work.com’. I googled it and it was a prostitution website. My heart stopped. My world collapsed at that moment.
I tried to sign in and got his password resent to the email so I could. When I logged in I went into his bookings and saw that he had booked prostitutes.
My fiancé was having a nap so I woke him up and asked him to come into the living room. I showed him what I had found. His face said it all!
He admitted to paying for sex around every two months. He said it had started about 7 months into our relationship and the last time was February this year! I threw him out immediately. The hurt, pain and shock was too much to bare.
Since then and me calming down somewhat he has come round to speak to me about it and answer all of my questions (I have many!). I would say we’ve spoken for at least 40 hours combined.
He said after he’d fallen in love with me he couldn’t see me sexually. He said it was like a switch had turned off and I entered into the not sexual category alongside his mum and sisters.
He said he has been introduced to prostitutes about the age of 19 by older men he new who would take him to brothels after nights out. He said initially he felt uncomfortable but they normalised it to him. He then started paying for sex on his own and had done this all through his 20s (he’s 31 now).
He claimed to only have paid for sex while with me because he wanted to have sex with me but couldn’t. I thought ‘what a load of shit’ but when I logged into adult work and looked at the women. They all looked like me. One frighteningly so much she could be me!
Why would he pay for sex with someone who looks like me rather than actually having sex with me? My confusion grew.
He said he couldn’t. His body and mind wouldn’t allow him to. He said I was his princess and he couldn’t think of me sexually in his mind.
I asked him what he liked sexually. He admitted to liking a power dynamic. Ironically the same power dynamic I like but had always felt I wasn’t allowed to bring up.
He said the power dynamic made him feel like he was abusing me or degrading me and that I was his angel that he couldn’t do that to me. He told me he had put me on a pedestal and that he wouldn’t even allow himself to think of me that way.
I have always been uncomfortable with prostitution (my own personal belief) but I feel there is a lot of exploitation. The idea of him doing degrading things to women he paid made me feel sick and made him seem like a monster.
I told him this he cried and said he was a monster and that the only reason he could do it was because he’d dehumanised the women.
He told me the act of buying sex he had compartmentalised. As if it wasn’t real. He told me he almost saw it as a virtual reality world. But that deep down he understood the severity of his actions as the guilt was heavy. (But as I pointed out not enough guilt to confess or stop.)
Since we spoke about sex and what he liked and what I liked (we probably spoke for 4 hours). He said the blocker has been removed and he’s desperate for sex with me but is obviously respectful and hasn’t pressured. After the conversation his body did seem to be working again. I saw he had an erection and that is something he hadn’t been able to get with me for some time.
The day I found out he phoned all his friends and family and told them what he’d done. One of his sisters has disowned him. He rang our church and told them what he’d done and asked them to help me as I was distraught.
He was also inconsolable so one of the pastors ended up staying on the phone to him for about an hour. The church then contacted me and offered their support.
He has started therapy. And he phones me up or comes round to visit to tell me what was discussed and what insight it has given him into his actions.
He apologises continuously. He has assured me it was nothing to do with me and that I am perfect (to which I always reply no one is perfect’). But human nature is to feel inadequate now which is what I do feel.
I feel like him paying for it over me shows how undesirable I was. But then he keeps reminding me of the women he choose and how they resembled me.
He says I couldn’t have done anymore and that it’s nothing to do with me and that it was his own emotional issues and his own choice to be unfaithful.
He cries and says he will never forgive himself for the betrayal but also for exploiting the women he paid for. He has said that he will support me whatever I want. That he wants to try again and stay together but that he understands the severity of what he’s done and understands that I may never want him back.
It’s all very overwhelming and I am going through such a roller coaster of emotion I don’t know what I want and am not going to rush my decision.
Does anyone have any thoughts on the infidelity? What they would do? Or what they got from what I’ve written?