Dangerous ex husband has made contact - advice please

[Varenne]

I'm hoping that someone can help me and give me advice, I don't even know where to start looking for help. My ex husband was very abusive (physical, sexual, emotional). He was arrested and convicted of assault in 2016 after I finally got the courage to phone the police. A restraining order was put in place and when that expired last year I didn't try to renew it as I had moved to a new city and didn't want him to know where I was.

He has now sent a message through social media to me saying he wants his belongings and calling me a thief and a criminal. I am physically shaking and terrified. I knew he wouldn't move on, he will see me as his enemy and he knows where my mum lives. She has a case of his old clothes but after all this time is she obliged to hand them over? I don't want anyone to see him, he is dangerous. I was going to phone her local police force to see if they could take the items.

Aside from the practical stuff, why is he now in touch? He also started following my mother on social media last week but she didn't tell me as didn't want to upset me. I'm so scared and I don't know what to do

Do not respond to him or engage in any conversation. He is trying to reel you in . Don’t take the bait .

Yes you should have returned his stuff ages ago but is it only his clothing he is asking for? He doesnt think you have anything else does he?

Block, call the police and get that restraining order renewed.

I feel your pain; I also moved city and didn't get mine renewed which was a huge mistake.

You need to go to the police straight away...this man has already proved dangerous they will take any belongings you have of his and pass then on..why in gods name would you not want rid of them? I dont know if you would legally be obliged to hand them over but definitely give them back.

Go to the police and they will be able to help you..so sorry that this has happened you

Ask him for his address and have them couriered to him. Personally I'd do that at my expense to minimise the potential for related contact, it is up to you whether you can afford that.

I think handing them into the police station and explaining the situation is the right thing to do, he can pick them up from there.

I had to do the same with my ex, they rang him and said his stuff was there and I didnt have to have any contact.

Worked out well, because when he arrived smug as hell to pick up his ratty old Tshirts he was arrested for breaching the Non Mol O had against him.

Talk to the police today and ask their advice. Do not respond to him until you receive that advice.

Good luck

DO NOT REPLY
Call the police and get their advice
I’m so
Sorry this happened

Get the restraining order renewed. He’s already shown that he can follow your DM on SM. Why on earth would she accept him to follow her and then not tell you?? . Anyway, call the police, drop his stuff to them and inform him where his stuff is. Don’t engage last that. Get the restraining order renewed!!

The advice of Spillinteas, though brief, is perfect.

Does you mom know she can remove followers?

Oh yes, surely the police could contact him to inform him where his stuff is so that you don’t have to have any contact.

I agree you need to contact the police and get their advice.
I would also look at renewing the restraining order.

What was his sentence? Was he on probation that has now run out and that is why he is contacting you now?

Also easy on the blame people
OP was probably so traumatised that dealing with his shit and stuff would have triggered her
Her mother is probably in a state of
Panic
And even if OP hadn’t had his stuff , he would have found an excuse to make contact

Call the police.

Get the restraining order renewed.

Find a neutral third party to take his clothes and he can collect them from there.

Your Mum needs to lock down her social media.

Thanks everyone. I've spoken to the police and they're sending someone out to speak to me.

For clarity, he disappeared after he was convicted, I had no contact or request for his things. My mother has them in her loft and I had in all honesty forgotten that we even had anything as I was in a state of total fear until I moved away. I'm now so worried as I had some papers and things at my old house but threw everything away when I moved. Surely it would have been his responsibility to request his things back? I wasn't thinking straight at the time I couldn't bear to think of him or see anything of his

His sentence was community service (laughable) as the only thing they could prove was that he slapped me and spat on me. He also held a knife to my throat, threatened to kill me and to rape me on the afternoon of the arrest but none of that formed part of the sentence, I don't know why

Also we don't have his phone number, because my mum lives in a different area the police that arrested him back then have said I need to speak to her locals. But they won't have any way to contact him. I don't know how to sort this I just want his shit gone and for him to leave us alone

Yes, police right away and renewal of restraining order.
The police will take his stuff for him to collect/accompany him to your mother's to collect it.

I've just spoken to her local force and they said I would need to deal with it myself, the best they could do was to say speak to my solicitor. I can't believe this is happening.

I've emailed the solicitor to see what to do. In one fell swoop I'm back to a shaking mess like I was four years ago.

The thing is, this isn't about a bag of old clothes is it. He's still angry and he hasn't let me go. I will never, ever get away from him

Pleased the police are coming out to speak to you op!! Can't even imagine how you're feeling right now it may be helpful to write down a list of questions you want to ask the police when they arrive so you don't miss anything.

But for now, get a cuppa and sit down and take some deep breaths and try and stay as calm as you can ❤️

Dont engage with him OP.

Tell your mother to block him on SM with the instruction that if he turns up at hers she's to immediately ring the police.

I don't know much about injunctions. Can you get it renewed?

But don't engage, he doesn't genuinely think you have stuff belonging to him, he just wants to find the right button for you to acknowledge him.

You aren’t the same person you were those years ago. Don’t forget that.

You’ve been having positive experiences, meeting new people, learning new tools, repairing old mental wounds. You’ve become stronger, a bit every day of those years.

Whoever he thinks he’s dealing with, he’s wrong. Much as he’d love to scare you, it’s not the same you. You can deal with whatever sad little attacks he thinks he can get away with. You have the law, family, friends and Mumsnet on your side now. That’s practically superpowers!

And he’s not the same person either. He’s diminished, a pricked balloon making a last farty noise, hoping you’ll react.

Rally your forces, hold your head up, and push the law (via your solicitor) to deal with him for you. Then turn back to your new life and go forward.

I wish you all the best, and lend you the strength of solidarity and internet support.