Dangerous ex husband has made contact - advice please

[Varenne]

I'm hoping that someone can help me and give me advice, I don't even know where to start looking for help. My ex husband was very abusive (physical, sexual, emotional). He was arrested and convicted of assault in 2016 after I finally got the courage to phone the police. A restraining order was put in place and when that expired last year I didn't try to renew it as I had moved to a new city and didn't want him to know where I was.

He has now sent a message through social media to me saying he wants his belongings and calling me a thief and a criminal. I am physically shaking and terrified. I knew he wouldn't move on, he will see me as his enemy and he knows where my mum lives. She has a case of his old clothes but after all this time is she obliged to hand them over? I don't want anyone to see him, he is dangerous. I was going to phone her local police force to see if they could take the items.

Aside from the practical stuff, why is he now in touch? He also started following my mother on social media last week but she didn't tell me as didn't want to upset me. I'm so scared and I don't know what to do

DO not reply and call the police immediately.
They love to keep that power trip going, it's their controlling nature. My violent ex husband just sent me a facebook message after 35 years of no contact!!!!
It popped up a month ago. He wanted me to talk to our son who he was not allowed to see growing up, court order.
i spoke to my son who still doesn't want to see him and he is in his 30's so I saw no reason to reply, I just blocked him, he doesn't know where I live.
Don't let him scare you, it's easy to contact people through social media, no so easy to actually find them.
But it is important that the police have a record of all the times he has tried to contact you.

And don't forget to put all of the privacy settings on your facebook so only friends can see anything you put on there. I'm still amazed by the number of people who let the whole world look at their wall.

In people's experience do they stop if you ignore them? I just don't know how to ever stop being afraid, I have made so much progress but because he's a psychopath and won't move on, neither can I.

To the poster who said I'm not the same person I was, that has been really helpful to keep repeating this morning. As soon as I read his message I immediately felt that old panic and fear that I must do what he wants to avoid the consequences. It's helpful to remind myself that I'm not the same person, he doesn't know me, he has no power over me.

I'm just so worried that I've done something wrong in throwing out some of his belongings. Surely legally if you leave possessions and only ask for them back four years later there's no expectation that they will have been kept?

No, there isn't, and he's just using this as a crowbar to try to get to you. It's all bollocks and you haven't done anything wrong.

Your mum and any other family and friends must block and lock down their social media. If they won't or don't, then you need to stay off their pages.

I hope you get the restraining order back in place asap.

Hang tight OP
Make sure you use every single thing you can here
Is the police don’t help , escalate
Call
Women’s aid and ask for an immediate acess to local DVA

The law is on your side (I know it probably doesn’t feel that way )

I would also advise your poor mother to lock down her media , block him and to call her own local police

Keep trucking , I know you must feel sick to your very core right now
I feel it for you

He has no rights to scare you

Thank you. Do you know if the non molestation order has to be based on geographical area? The last one was no contact but also mentioned my home address (which he knew). Now I've moved I don't want to disclose my current location, that's why I didn't apply to have it extended

Invoice the cf for years of storage costs.
I bet you £££ he can't even remember what you still have. Block on sm. Renew the order and put yourself a glass of and mentally fuck him off again..
Memo to self to not mention him again.

Your solicitor should be able to help have your address withheld, redacted or replaced with an address he already knows eg your mum’s house, which affords her some protection (and additional safety for you, when you visit.) I’m sorry the police have been unhelpful. Given he has waited so long as to request his items back, I would speak to a solicitor about this: they will likely build an inventory of what you have, and then contact him on your behalf. He will get a certain period to reply, and make arrangements to receive his items, or you can get rid of them. Non-molestation orders are not geographically based unless they come with an occupation order, with regard to removing him from a shared address.

Don’t contact him, don’t let your mum contact him - and take a look at all your privacy settings as a PP suggested. I’d strongly recommend getting, and systematically renewing your NMO even as a matter of piece of mind. You can also talk to your solicitor about requesting it be made for an indefinite period of time.

Do not reply. Speak to your solicitor about what to do. Your mother should block him. Why is she accepting him on social media? That’s ridiculous. You need to make yours and her accounts private. Speak to your solicitor. They can contact him on your behalf and arrange for the handing over of items that doesn’t involve you

Your mum needs to block him on her social media. You need to block him on yours too and not engage with this man.

Mine had no contact by himself or his agent including in person, by phone, post or social media. Which is the bit he is breaking.

I gad a restraining order also which stated he wasn't allowed within so far of me so if he went to asda and I was there he had to leave.

So if you went for those options no need to mention your address.

They stop when you keep on contacting the Police every time they contact you, and when you and your mum keep on blocking him everywhere. Basically you make it so that he gets no reaction from either of you, but gets grief from the Police.

You had a restraining order/NMO before, that is evidence that he knows you do not want contact. So this is harrassment at least, stalking at worst, and so the Police can act. The force at your Mum's end need to understand this is stalking, and so ask to speak to the officers in charge of stalking cases - this will not be just any old copper - there are police assigned to deal with these cases.

Also contact Women's Aid for further advice.

Really, rather than a NMO, you could do with a court imposed restraining order - as part of a sentence - just like the first time. The Police (in general, not the ones trained in DV) tend to take those far more seriously. So having him charged with harrassment would be a good thing.

The fact that within such a fast time he has contacted you and abisuvely means that both the law and his probation officer will take a very dim view of this

He is trying to scare you , and your only response is to use the power of the law and NOT enagage

He stands to lose here

Have you got a decent solicitor ? I used a very good woman friendly firm and they also accept legal aid

Isnt it the case that after not asking for his stuff its considered abandoned?

After a certain length of time?

Sorry I have read the thread so you may have already had this advice. Your local council may have a domestic violence unit that is able to provide support.

They stop when they find someone else to harass.
Just keep him blocked on everything and do not reply. You dont owe him anything back after years of him leaving it. He has no course of action. He made no attempt to re claim before now and it's not like he has paid you to store it for him. It's just an attempt to scare a reply from you.

If he continues to harass you, go to the police again for the harassment. He will be scared to end up back in jail so any sign of them and he should hopefully vanish again.

Keep your social media private. And dont add anyone and remove anyone you have never met in person from your online friends lists.

Contact the police. Every single time he contact you. Contact them. State you are in danger -there was previous restraining order and ask them to invesitgate it before he assaults you again (he has form for this) in the meantime ask a solicitor -give them the previous documents and ask them to file an emergency non-molestion order without disclosing your address on the paperwork.

OP you are right this isn’t about his old clothes it’s about control. He doesn’t want them he wants to scare you and reel you in again. If you was to give him the clothes back he would then just move on to something else he assumes you still have of his. DO NOT respond to him! Block him and change your name or surname on all social media so he can no longer find you and contact you. Keep the police informed and take out whatever injunction or protection you can against him that doesn’t include your home address. Don’t let the scumbag scare you into replying to him.

Thank you all. The initial panic and fear has calmed down a bit now. The local police were brilliant, they sent someone straight over to interview me and are getting on the case today. I'm waiting to hear back from my solicitor but the police said they can put me in touch with DV support who can help with a new order.

You're all right that it's not about the stuff. It just makes me wonder, has he been stewing all this time and if so, how angry must he be to still try and scare me out of the blue like this.

My bf has been very understanding which is good, I was worried about mentioning this to him as it's such a lot of baggage. He's been great though and is coming to spend the week (the police said this is fine as it's now an open abuse case again).

I have some emotions bubbling about the whole social media thing with my mum, I don't understand why she wouldn't block him. Sometimes it feels like she thinks I've just been a bit overdramatic about the whole thing. I don't think she knows the details, she never asked, but if she did she would understand why he's so dangerous

Often if we have/have had one of these sorts in out life, we find there are more. Is it possible your mum is cut from a similar cloth as your ex? (All be it a much watered down version).

Or that she had a partner who was one at some point and so, has a warped idea of what should be 'tolerated' in relationships?

I think you should tell your mum exactly what you’ve told us. She needs to block him and if she won’t, I’m afraid I’d be blocking her.

You need to arrange for him to get any belongings - do you have a friend who could act as an intermediary?

She realllllly doesnt. This isnt a case of he broke up with her 3 months ago and she still has his tv. It's a case if he went to jail for assaulting her, 4 years ago! And now is harassing her over some clothes.

Clothes that she would have had no obligation to keep for 4 years in the first place even if it had been a normal separation.

Is your mum generally dismissive and unsupportive of you? As per pp, is it her normal to tolerate violent men? Or was she a dysfunctional parent to you growing up?

I can't imagine being in contact with a man who was convicted of attacking my daughter.