Ive been wanting to do this for some time , but always really nervous about writing about my relationship.
Im a regular poster and hope that no one detects who I am as I will be ashamed and embarrassed.
I dont really know were to start as theres so much. It may all start spilling, so If it gets long I apologise. I thank anyone for reading it all the way through.
Its hit home more as my home start women agrees with me that I need anger management counselling. Shes mentioned things to her superior who wants to see me for more support , but Im paranoid now about what it could mean in terms of ss and my girls.
For years and years my husband and I have had difficult, sticky, intense arguments, he withdraws affection and care at the worst times of my life and shuts me out or completely underplays any of the difficult things we have gone through as a family.
Ive taken on much bullying and negativity from him . Its like the lid that I kept on for many years and the temper I kept down is now spilling out everywhere. In the past I would have cried and sat on the floor in a heap , completely withdrawn. Now I retaliate , Ive been known to kick , hit , smack and thump him very hard in awful rages as I cant take it much more.
I have days and days were I have no affection, comfort, caring or love from him. Ive been through clinical depression , PND, PTSD and all sorts of things I never expected. I feel much of his response is his own fear in being so close to all of it.
Our sex lives have also been a mess due to problems Ive had after both births , Ive had corrective surgery and whilst we have attempted a few times , the rot set in before and we have very little sexual contact.
I havent behaved very well in the past , but he pushed me away in the 1st few years of our relationship and marriage and continually rejected my affection or sexual advances. Combined with the depression and very low self esteem I was flattered by the attention from other men.
We often sit in different rooms most nights , go to bed at different times , we have the odd hand holding here and there , but in social situations I think he is doing it as marking his territory.
Ive had both my dd's in hospital and one is still under paediatric care. Ive also had two major medical situations of my own the last 3mths and untold illness in this house. Whilst dealing with the kids during the night when unwell , he often comes downstairs telling me off for noise, chastises & criticise me on how im handling things and carries on shouting that I doing things wrong .Often saying Ive overreacted and then on these occasions both girls have ended up in hospital.
To say Im tired is an understatement. I want to go away and have a break alone in the UK, but dh has gone mad at me, as I went to NYC in April with my sisters and that should have been enough for me .
Im drained beyond belief and keep putting on a brave face , slapping make up on , getting dressed up and pretending to be ok , but Im not all, I just feel like sobbing and sobbing. Many people wouldn't even know any of this is going on. Ive felt many a times i cant stay with him much longer as its making me so unhappy to not have the kind of relationship I thought I needed. Weve been to relate in the past , but I find talking therapies just awful and messy.
If I dont get a response , I'll probably be upset, as Im craving some comfort and soothing,(I feel like such a child), but I realise that its been quite good to get it all down.
Id like to find some progressive help somewere , I need to know how to move forward from this. I cant sit night after night wondering what it will feel like to throw myself out of my loft window.
I cant seem to press create convo ,im so nervous now.