Im a twisted seeething mess inside and feel emotionaly abused

[messarama]

Ive been wanting to do this for some time , but always really nervous about writing about my relationship.

Im a regular poster and hope that no one detects who I am as I will be ashamed and embarrassed.

I dont really know were to start as theres so much. It may all start spilling, so If it gets long I apologise. I thank anyone for reading it all the way through.

Its hit home more as my home start women agrees with me that I need anger management counselling. Shes mentioned things to her superior who wants to see me for more support , but Im paranoid now about what it could mean in terms of ss and my girls.

For years and years my husband and I have had difficult, sticky, intense arguments, he withdraws affection and care at the worst times of my life and shuts me out or completely underplays any of the difficult things we have gone through as a family.

Ive taken on much bullying and negativity from him . Its like the lid that I kept on for many years and the temper I kept down is now spilling out everywhere. In the past I would have cried and sat on the floor in a heap , completely withdrawn. Now I retaliate , Ive been known to kick , hit , smack and thump him very hard in awful rages as I cant take it much more.

I have days and days were I have no affection, comfort, caring or love from him. Ive been through clinical depression , PND, PTSD and all sorts of things I never expected. I feel much of his response is his own fear in being so close to all of it.

Our sex lives have also been a mess due to problems Ive had after both births , Ive had corrective surgery and whilst we have attempted a few times , the rot set in before and we have very little sexual contact.

I havent behaved very well in the past , but he pushed me away in the 1st few years of our relationship and marriage and continually rejected my affection or sexual advances. Combined with the depression and very low self esteem I was flattered by the attention from other men.

We often sit in different rooms most nights , go to bed at different times , we have the odd hand holding here and there , but in social situations I think he is doing it as marking his territory.

Ive had both my dd's in hospital and one is still under paediatric care. Ive also had two major medical situations of my own the last 3mths and untold illness in this house. Whilst dealing with the kids during the night when unwell , he often comes downstairs telling me off for noise, chastises & criticise me on how im handling things and carries on shouting that I doing things wrong .Often saying Ive overreacted and then on these occasions both girls have ended up in hospital.

To say Im tired is an understatement. I want to go away and have a break alone in the UK, but dh has gone mad at me, as I went to NYC in April with my sisters and that should have been enough for me .

Im drained beyond belief and keep putting on a brave face , slapping make up on , getting dressed up and pretending to be ok , but Im not all, I just feel like sobbing and sobbing. Many people wouldn't even know any of this is going on. Ive felt many a times i cant stay with him much longer as its making me so unhappy to not have the kind of relationship I thought I needed. Weve been to relate in the past , but I find talking therapies just awful and messy.

If I dont get a response , I'll probably be upset, as Im craving some comfort and soothing,(I feel like such a child), but I realise that its been quite good to get it all down.

Id like to find some progressive help somewere , I need to know how to move forward from this. I cant sit night after night wondering what it will feel like to throw myself out of my loft window.

I cant seem to press create convo ,im so nervous now.

your posts are making me cry, think its just a relief to finally have a space to talk about these things.

Wisteria would you mind telling what that retreat is , Ive been seriously looking at one the last year in Wales?!!

and I know you read this time and again on here, but dd1 is in front of the telly an awful lot lately , I make sure she has to hand on the table some art and crafts stuff, but shes in front of tv more and dd2 just wanders all over playing with various toys Ive left on the rug. They do however get my attention as soon as they need and no request get ignored and lots of cuddles and praise are on hand always.

I will find out for you, it's near Alfreton in Derbyshire, my friend goes quite regularly. She has a tough time at home too and swears by this as some r&r.

I'm [email protected] if I don't get to this thread in time with the info.

Hope your dh does take the load off you tonight, sometimes things overwhelm us and men (bless their ignorance) are very often completely unaware of any emotional concepts until they are given the facts in black and white IYSWIM.

here

Sometimes I even amaze myself at my googling & linking prowess!

That does look nice , would rather do something less biased towards one modality. Ive got religion issues all over at the moment ! Thank you for linking though.

I cant believe dh , no sooner does he come in , but starts at me again despite telling him Im exhausted on the phone earlier and him seeming supportive , its so short lived , its odd. Hes done a shop on the way home (yes that is very helpful) and cleaned the fridge out and then hollered really angrily because some oil from an olive pot has leaked, he then starts telling me off for not doing the fridge out. Is the man a psycho FFS, I dont get it , he knows im low and yet he still batters me in the head. So I started banging my own head and said thats how this makes me feel when he starts on me. he then said I was crazy and that hes not allowed to say anything, no hes fucking not , not after the last few weeks weve had NO. He also grunted at the mess and was doing an OH MY GAWD voice. Hes stomped all over the place whislt sorting it all out and I put the girls to bed.

My body hurts from the stress and anxiety . I just sat on my lo's rocking chair crying and they both laid their heads on me bless them.

He moves out of my way so he doesnt touch me as I go passed.

Just wanted to send that quickly so you knew someone was listening.
You poor thing, it sounds exhausting.

He sounds as though he is struggling with something big if his moods are swinging quite so erratically. If he gets a quiet time and you can talk at all then if poss try to ask him to consider going to see his GP for referral to counselling; it isn't natural or normal to swing moods intensely like that and usually points to some deep seated mental health problem - which I stress can be overcome.

I feel for you and can hear how much this is hurting you - can I ask where(ish) you live?

The retreat is not very pushy religious at all from what I understand, although I understand it may sound a bit daunting and it is up to you how much you participate. You can (I think) just go for a holiday in a very peaceful calming place. I will look into it a bit more anyway as I am considering going myself and am not enamoured of any form of religion myself.

Messorama, you're in a bad place at the moment; highly emotionally charged and all very fragile.

Your dh should not have this power over you. No one should. Take a step back (right back), and begin to unravel the emotional tangle that's built up over the years.

Forget about him, for the time being. Be calm, be pleasant, be yourself. Ignore him if you must, but ignore him calmly. Take the plug out of the socket and listen to the peace.

The only person who can screw you up is yourself. No one else has the power, much as we all go through times in our lives when we truly believe that they do. They don't.

Men, (good men, bad men and indifferent men) are not at all comfortable with high emotion. They react badly, and the situation begins to spiral as a consequence.

Yes, it is possible that your dh has some inherited mental health issues. But the only way you're going to know for sure, is for you to step right back, and watch his behaviour as an observer, not as a victim.

Block him out for now. Concentrate on the children and the joy they evidently give you. Don't think beyond tomorrow. Take each day as it comes.

But please, take the proverbial plug from the socket. I'm a little worried about you, tbh.

He's being a bully and you don't deserve this messarama. If he's unhappy about the state of the fridge he can clean it. He lives in the house too.

I'm sorry that he's putting you through all this.

Seconded - especially bit about taking plug out of socket, very profound.

Two books that I would really recommend to you to perhaps get some kind of a handle on the way he is treating you are:

"Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft

and

"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans

It's a terrible situation to be abused by the person who is supposed to love and support you and the anguish it causes can be awful. Take care of yourself. I think he has ground you down so much you are finding it difficult to see a way out of the situation.

It sounds awful, poor you.

Not sure I agree with this - surely any man saying that when the house is a state is a bit weird (or a woman who has been out at work whilst her other half has been home).

"Correct DH reaction - "well dcs have obviously had a good day, they've kept you busy!! Wow - you've managed to make chicken soup as well - you're incredible"
How many people make their own soup these days - I do, but thought I was a dying breed "

Des thats exactly how I would describe my current state: WIRED WIRED WIRED! I just cant seem to unplug.

I keep thinking , am I making more of this , am I in denial about whats going on?

What about my anger and violence ? Is this eruption normal to the situation, yes I know its not normal normal. It goes against everything Im learning about , its in total shocking contrast.

The thing is Ive been open tonight to him about how I feel and the bullying and still theres no admission or apology, nothing. He just goes quiet and almost perceptively shrugs

oh and Xenia , I think its a bit weird in him too, latent OCD may be ????

Thank you all for caring , it means a lot.

Hi there, I am new as you can see, I hope you dont mind my intervention on this subject but it is rather close to home..

I am sorry that things are so bad for you, but as I am finding out with dealing with severe depression at the moment, ( I am also 5 1/2 months pregnant) men really do not have a clue to how to support women and often makes situations like these worse. I have a lot of issues with myself and my partner just shouts at me in frustration because he cant see that I hate myself so much. then he changes and tries to give me support after I have been reduced to a 5 year old child.

If like me you have had a lot of counselling then maybe your choices are limited. is it purely counsellors that you have seen or cognitive behavioural therapists? Only your symptoms sound very similar to mine and it is alot to do with cognition of the brain, its complex but get someone good and you can "heal" yourself in time to be different.

I think Xenia means (correct me if I'm wrong ) that she thinks my version of dh reaction is unrealistic; it was exaggerated I admit, but a decent dp who knows how you were feeling on that particular day might take that stance - my dp would and so would've my exdh.

I am really not getting why someone needs to change when their partner is being cruel to them.

Emotional abuse is very damaging and it's not something that belongs in a good relationship.

I am no expert but I think that the mood swings and the unpredictability are all techniques (whether intentional or subconscious) to keep you in a state where you can never relax, because you can never be sure of how he is going to react.

I second getting the Lundy Bancroft book (keep meaning to get it and read it myself!).

I hope that some of the mumsnetters with direct experiecne will come across your thread soon.

Take care of yourself.

Oh, you are in a really bad patch I can really relate to your feelings.
Correct me if Im totally off the mark, but is there <span class="italic">anything</span> sinister in your memories of childhood with your parents? I just ask because I had no idea that Id had childhood problems until a hit a major crisis in my life, and then the real, hidden depths of my despair traced back to that. I would never ever have suspected that my childhood was anything less than happy until I was faced with it. After doing that, my depression cleared up, and I stopped getting upset over the way other people behaved, like the way your husband treats you.
If this is completely wrong, then I apologize, but I d just thought Id offer a different angle on things.
I think what I mean to say is that you seem to feel that you have no power and control over your own life, and people with low self-esteem (like me, still) think like this. Its a feeling that your life is out of your control, and that you are stuck with your lot, but this is never true. We always have a choice. Many times, in my case, the choice was either a) suicide or b) stand up for myself against the person who was making me miserable. And after you actually make a decision to change something in your life, its suprisingly easy to do it. Things just seem to fall into place, so say you decided to leave your husband, youd be able to do it easily Im sure.
It depends how far to rock-bottom youre willing to go. Are you hoping your relationship will improve with him? I think its possibly gone beyond what a lot of women on MN would put up with (not me though, Ive put up with worse in the past) But maybe you might have to start preparing yourself inside for that fateful decision to leave him.

I totally agree with what you say Sakura, I dont think any clear perspective can be gained unless you finally choose to get out of the situation. Truth is harsh, but I know from experience, after they have gone, things are so much easier to deal with once they are taken out of the equation and you are no longer putting yourself through so much mental abuse.

you are right wurlywoo men have NO CLUE how to deal with strong emotions and fall out from mental illness, Ive seen that 1st hand at the depths of despair, often when collapsed on bathroom floors .

Ive had several kinds of therapies wurlywoo over the last 8-10 yrs, alongside seroxat, citalopram & diazepam; normal psychotherapy (AWFUL), hypnotherapy , hypnobirthing , EMDR and a form of CBT , EFT and various other progressive therapies for trauma, anxiety etc. Ive also had cranial work , osteopathy, reiki, spiritual healing, and relaxation therapies. Ive been told by my 2nd hypnotherapist that I need about 8 sessions to sort myself out, whilst I agree in some respects, Ive come such a long long way. Also her sessions are very expensive so have had to leave it for now.

Elizabeth , I suppose the change In relation to abusive people is to learn to not react , and rise above, but thats very hard when vulnerable , distraught and anxious over children's health and up night after night.

I think the possible depression I have is reactive to the last few months of abnormal health scares and hospital emergencies. Unfortunaly being susceptible, from mental health history doesn't help at this stage and my husband is not responding to this culmination, and reason for my hopefully temporary slump, in his criticism of me being low/tired etc.

Sakura, my parents made our lives as kids great in terms of amazing holidays all over the world, affection, and material things.I ddi feel loved but I did however live with a manic depressive mum who resorted to violence when frustrated, so remember being kicked and hit alot , its confusing for a child Im sure. During arguments with my father my mother would leave the house and not come back for hours. I also wet the bed alot ( I cant believe Ive remembered all this , but it seems to have surfaced and was a victim of severe and nasty mental & physical bullying as a child and moved schools 5 times. My mum says dh is very similar to how my dad was back then.

Ive worked hard to move from all of this history and made sure that I project an air of confidence, always looking stylish and centred. (seems silly to talk about appearance ,but was bullied for being a geek, so its very important to me now to look good).Ive done so well this year , Ive really been great. Unfortunately it belies whats going on underneath. In my culture also any vulnerability is seen as weakness and very uncool socially.

I dont want to throw any help that you have been offering back ,but I have to say what I feel in orderto heal and get it out of me. Its very easy for others on the outside looking in to say ; bad relationship = just leave. I have a home we've just spent a lot of money on,Im in the middle of a immediate family financial crisis, I have none of my own money right now and to be honest Im terrified of doing this alone with 2 very young children. One thing I do need is a break from it all to rest and relax (as im so on the edge) and leaving would mean in reality many many days and nights alone with housework , children, school and these 4 walls. I would want my house, so how would that work ; I leave his clothes in a suitcase in the hall ????????????????

Hi mess

How are you feeling today?

I don't necessarily agree with everyone else that you should leave at the moment. It sounds very confusing and obviously both you and dh have deep seated issues; compounding the problem by leaving and having to support yourself might not work to your advantage right now. You do sound as though you still love dh in some way so may need to exhaust all avenues before the splitting up step.

I do think taking a step back is a good idea in theory but not always practical - communication appears to be a vital part of whats missing in your relationship and to move forwards I think this needs addressing.

Sorry if you've answered this previously but have you had any joint counselling with your dh?

I was allowed a sleep in this morning , but didnt realy sleep well. I feel sick and drained. My stomach is going over and over.

Dh has agreed this morning we are on the edge, he just doesnt know what to do about it and thats all his said about it. Hes annoyed Im sitting on here ,& Ive told him Im speaking to others for support for how IM feeling right now, but doesnt know about this thread.

Ive saved those books to my wish list , they are ringing true and its making me feel quite emotional and a little shell shocked I think.

Yes Wisteria , we have been to relate for 6 weeks , about 2-3 yrs ago . I found it awful ,we argued all the way there , through the whole session and then all the way home , she was very namby pamby and it didn't help, well may be it put a plaster on things for a little while. It didnt help us move forward , there was no tips on how to get away from our confusions and mis-connection and it was thoroughly frustrating. I felt no more understood or connected than before we went.

I really really appreciate you coming on here to find out how I am ,as I feel all splintered and lost, this gives me a life line so to speak. Stops me feeling as If im standing at the abyss alone. x

Rather than relate - see if you can have a look into other types of relationship therapies or go back to relate and see someone different. I know what you mean about namby-pamby counsellors though.

Maybe you need to sit and discuss if you have anything worth saving first. That sounds very harsh but sometimes you're both unhappy but neither wants to be the first to admit it.

Is there anywhere you used to go together as a couple that you could revisit, some neutral ground where you can talk things through in an environment where it wouldn't be possible to lose your tempers with each other?

I know I'm grasping at straws but you have made progress today already by your dh admitting that he doesn't know where to go from here either.
Can you try and write a list of 5 things that need to change, for you to move forwards and ask your dh to do the same, then swap them and arrange to meet up a few hours afterwards to discuss them. You need to get talking again, however painful it may be.

"Elizabeth , I suppose the change In relation to abusive people is to learn to not react , and rise above, but thats very hard when vulnerable , distraught and anxious over children's health and up night after night."

I guess the problem for me with that is that the reaction is actually what you need to be able to deal with an abusive person. It's your self-preservation coming to the surface.

If I told you that my partner came home every night and kicked me in the shins then got angry with me when I cried because he'd hurt me and also thought that my reactions were the problem and there was nothing wrong with him kicking me in the shins, I don't suppose you'd tell me not to react, you'd probably tell me to get the hell out. That's what it sounds like your partner is doing to you, except he's doing it emotionally which is almost harder to deal with because there aren't any physical results - just you feeling in a terrible state. Also with regards to the counselling, if there is a abuse in a relationship couples counselling doesn't work - the abuse has to be addressed first before anything else can happen.

Everybody with a partner deserves love, kindness, understanding and support from them. They deserve someone who is on their side. Nobody can be like that 100% of the time but it does need to be the majority of it.

I am so sorry you are feeling so desperate and I wish you every strength to be able to deal with this. On the practical side, even if you aren't planning on leaving, you could always consult a solicitor to answer the questions about where you would stand if you did decide to go. Then at least you'll have that knowledge in the back of your head and you won't feel quite so insecure as if you are looking completely into the unknown.

Elizabetth your metaphor paragraph resonates in me .

Were both sitting here numb, Ive said to him today , either proffesional help or split. Hes asked what kind of therapy. He agrees this isnt healthy or right ,especially for our amazing and beuatiful girls , who deserve more.

Wierdly groundhog day is on and were sitting watching that, im thiking this feels like my life, same sh*t, different setting, every single day.

Wisteria the list you mention , is that things I need to change or things in the relationship or with dh ? And no what you said doesnt sound harsh , Im all for confronting things head on ,I always do, its dh that likes to be the ostrich. Ive just asked if we have antying to salvage and his reaction was half baked, so I dont know what that means.

I forgot to add , I thank you for your support here x.