Im a twisted seeething mess inside and feel emotionaly abused

[messarama]

Ive been wanting to do this for some time , but always really nervous about writing about my relationship.

Im a regular poster and hope that no one detects who I am as I will be ashamed and embarrassed.

I dont really know were to start as theres so much. It may all start spilling, so If it gets long I apologise. I thank anyone for reading it all the way through.

Its hit home more as my home start women agrees with me that I need anger management counselling. Shes mentioned things to her superior who wants to see me for more support , but Im paranoid now about what it could mean in terms of ss and my girls.

For years and years my husband and I have had difficult, sticky, intense arguments, he withdraws affection and care at the worst times of my life and shuts me out or completely underplays any of the difficult things we have gone through as a family.

Ive taken on much bullying and negativity from him . Its like the lid that I kept on for many years and the temper I kept down is now spilling out everywhere. In the past I would have cried and sat on the floor in a heap , completely withdrawn. Now I retaliate , Ive been known to kick , hit , smack and thump him very hard in awful rages as I cant take it much more.

I have days and days were I have no affection, comfort, caring or love from him. Ive been through clinical depression , PND, PTSD and all sorts of things I never expected. I feel much of his response is his own fear in being so close to all of it.

Our sex lives have also been a mess due to problems Ive had after both births , Ive had corrective surgery and whilst we have attempted a few times , the rot set in before and we have very little sexual contact.

I havent behaved very well in the past , but he pushed me away in the 1st few years of our relationship and marriage and continually rejected my affection or sexual advances. Combined with the depression and very low self esteem I was flattered by the attention from other men.

We often sit in different rooms most nights , go to bed at different times , we have the odd hand holding here and there , but in social situations I think he is doing it as marking his territory.

Ive had both my dd's in hospital and one is still under paediatric care. Ive also had two major medical situations of my own the last 3mths and untold illness in this house. Whilst dealing with the kids during the night when unwell , he often comes downstairs telling me off for noise, chastises & criticise me on how im handling things and carries on shouting that I doing things wrong .Often saying Ive overreacted and then on these occasions both girls have ended up in hospital.

To say Im tired is an understatement. I want to go away and have a break alone in the UK, but dh has gone mad at me, as I went to NYC in April with my sisters and that should have been enough for me .

Im drained beyond belief and keep putting on a brave face , slapping make up on , getting dressed up and pretending to be ok , but Im not all, I just feel like sobbing and sobbing. Many people wouldn't even know any of this is going on. Ive felt many a times i cant stay with him much longer as its making me so unhappy to not have the kind of relationship I thought I needed. Weve been to relate in the past , but I find talking therapies just awful and messy.

If I dont get a response , I'll probably be upset, as Im craving some comfort and soothing,(I feel like such a child), but I realise that its been quite good to get it all down.

Id like to find some progressive help somewere , I need to know how to move forward from this. I cant sit night after night wondering what it will feel like to throw myself out of my loft window.

I cant seem to press create convo ,im so nervous now.

Well I meant what needs to change in your life and in your relationship, in order for you to be happy/ happier.

It could be that you are both craving something that the other can't give or would like to give but doesn't know how. Either way if you write it down in black and white it can then be confronted.

You are quite right in that something needs to change for your lovely girls - I was brought up in a house of no love and it fucked affected me for years, I still have terrible trouble showing affection to my dp and it is bothering him now so I am having to change it.

Turned out in my situation that my Dad was gay and so that was the problem, he used to lash out at my mum for no reason and it was because he was so frustrated with his lot - such a tragedy for all involved.

Im sorry that affected you wisteria,sounds like a mess. Have you had therapy for it? if you dont mind me asking. I suppose these things shape us and then we have these experiences to help others.

I really dont want to leave a nasty legacy with my children, dh thinks Im being idealistic and that we dont live in Disney world, but hey we dont live in Disneyhell either . This is his way of undermining my way , as I think its important to give children love and nurture as much as possible. He thinks I pander to much to them ,as Im always interruptible and I expect him to not ignore them as he does when Im around. Yet everyone tells me how confident, strong, balanced and polite my eldest is. Some of this must be how Ive brought them up so far , despite everything.

I think your writing things down is a good start, it will be a basis for some talking. I get the feeling though that he cant be arsed. Every day all the time we are at each other. I managed to get to the stage today of throwing 4 mango's across the kitchen. Im so intensely frustrated its the only release.

The other hard thing will be finding the most appropriate and correct therapy , its such a wide open field. The wrong one can be disastrous as Ive found .

hi,its me again from yesterday.just to let you know i am still here and came on here looking for you because i read your story yesterday and you really touched me,i was really hoping you would be back on today just so i could see if you was ok?

i agree with you about the love and nurturing with children,they need it so much and believe it makes them grow up to be better adults,so you are doing the exact right thing there,and this is coming from some1 who has studiedf children ,keep doing that.what might affect them is seeing the most important person in the world to them i.e their mummmy,so upset,down and getting treated so badly.i know hubs prob doesnt seem bad all the time and you want to defend him but do his bad points far outweigh his good?

It is a mess messarama! No I haven't had therapy but am training as a therapist and I have to have had some counselling hours myself so will probably take it to that soon.
Re: what sort of therapy, instead of straight therapy, have you considered doing a course together - there are some fantastic ones out there revolving around low self esteem and bullying behaviours - which is what it's sounding a little like to me although I am by no means qualified to diagnose.

I suppose the biggest question you both have to ask each other is do you still love each other?
If the answer is no, then do you feel that you could learn to love each other again and what would need to be different in order for that transition to take place.

One of your big things seems to be physical affection so why are you not having that - what is stopping him from touching you and is it something that can be worked on?
If sex is out of the question, then could you do something nice for each other, like a foot massage - small steps etc.

wisteria,maybe therapy is a good idea for you as well.i have been reading about you too,and i know i went through a really tough time growing up with some horrible events and i have taken the attitude..it screwed up my childhood,completely ruining it,but i am going to refuse point blank to let it ruin my adulthood.it wasted 2 much of my life as it is without it ruining who i am now....

Hi angipoo , thank you for checking , at least Im doing some things right.

Sort of ironic I said about the past helping one to help others wiht the field yuor training in wisteria ! I hope it help you in some way.

A course does sound good, its how to find one and a good one that doesnt cost a bomb. The wierd thing about touch , is that even though I crave it , I dont want it from him right now. He just annoys me.

Not easy to post , as dh is lurking.

Good morning!

How are you today? How was your weekend?

Wisty xx

Hi
have not had time to read the whole of thread, but just wanted to say that this sounds a lot like I've felt in the past, especially about when needing support most from my partner, he hasn't been willing (able?) to give it. I also used to be very angry and ended up lashing out in frustration as I could not seem to get my partner to understand how I felt.

I highly recommend, "Bhuddism for mothers" which my sil gave to me about 6 months ago. In the introduction, the author says something along the lines of " I had no idea how angry I could get until the birth of my second child" something that rang so true with me! Since reading it I am so different, and I have changed my behaviour, and this has changed my partners behaviour towards me.

I have no idea what your partner is like but my dh is a throughly decent and loving man, but he for some reason was unable to help me in my times of crisis, he simply didn't know what to do. Maybe you just need to spell it out simply to your partner what you want from him and then ask what he wants from you.

Wishing you all the best and hope you can get through this.x

another angle to consider.

when my marriage was at its lowest and my dh was in another room - completely not interested in me at all.

i would argue violently - in what i realise now - was some childish like attempt just to get him to acknowledge me and recognise that i still exist.

marriage guidence should help - i dot think this is your problem or his.

its a joint one.

sort it out together

make the decision whether you want to cary on like this together.

thank you for checking in wisteria, hope you are ok ?

Weekend was weird, you know that feeling when in shock and numb , well thats how it was this weekend, we did absolutely nothing on Saturday just both moped around lost and confused and then spent the whole evening arguing about everything Ive discussed on here. We are very sure we need help through this ,or it will be th end.

I had a lovely Sun afternoon with dd1 at a party and then did something very stupid which rendered my dh a swearing seething spitting slamming doors mess , and we then had another awful awful Sunday night. Once he was home , he sat in the lounge for an hour in the dark and then stormed off to bed and left me in the kitchen alone and upset. I cant really say what happened in to much detail as this will give me away totally.

Also had bad news health wise with dd1 , so all in all , it stinks. Im so sure Im going to be worked out now too, but I supposes this is more about just protecting my dh for some weird reason, may be me also.

Onthefarm I can see what yuor saying , and he can be thoughtful, but there's also been a lot of anger, criticism and nastiness , and thats not excusable. I have looked up the book suggested, at 1st I was like why do I need that, Im a great mum > , but you are right , we all need ways of coping with 2 kids who are screaming (right now) at the same time and husband doing the same !

custardo, I think may be partially you are right with my anger, may be it is a plea for attention

I don't know who you are mess, but it doesn't matter anyway.
I hope your dd1 is ok - sorry if she's not and everyone knows who you are but I'm notoriously slow at picking up on things!!

It seems as though you get yourselves in the mindset of knowing you need to talk to each other and then something kicks off giving you both an excuse not to deal with it - it sounds as though you are both quite scared of what will be revealed if you do talk, but I would urge you both to do it anyway.

You can't deal with things until you know what you are faced with and the worst case scenario is (I guess) splitting up which, by the sounds of it, would be preferable than the place you are in right now

just to say hi and see how you are doing?xxxx

My word didnt realise a week had gone by since I last posted!

I dont really know what Ive done since ;last week either.

Dh has suddenly gone all lovey on me and wnat5s to stop arguing , like one cuddle from him and I have to stop thinking hes been rotten to me.

He saw my list of books recommended from here on my amazon shopping basket and asked if he really was that bad. Ive been told this is often used as way to make on feel stupid and undermined?

We had an ok weekend , I went off for a bath around 4 ish on sat and didnt emerge till near to 7, ! I just had to leave him to it downstairs , he wasnt happy about it , but actually for the 1st time didnt say anything (although mIL was in the house for babysitting).

I had the manager from homestart here this morning,as she feels that I need more support than they can give and whilst I appreciate all they have done , I felt sick to my stomach being in this situation and discussing it and being told that it couldn't continue. I cant even word why I felt this way ; ashamed , embarrassed that Ive taken more time and been inappropiately needy?

It took her an hour of us talking before she realised whats going on in this house and as to why things are not good and she was the one to use the word emotional abuse . Which I still feel Im being over the top about and can believe. I dont think my homestart women assigned to me will be coming back to me now , as its been months shes been coming and its only meant to be 6-12 weeks . The manager has referred me back to my HV , who she phoned this afternoon, and said that there is some CBT available possibly through my gp. She has also said she will be in contact with her contact at women's aid ,as they can possibly offer counseling for me with the relationship.

I called the HV straight away (why i did that I also dont know and she feels I need a trip back to the GP asap, but I dont really want pills , I just want some support.

So all this has that left me feeling even more odd and out of sorts. I feel strange and like Im walking around in some weird dream. Dh isnt due home till late , both need bathing ,dd2 keeps crying, the toys are everywhere , the dishwasher needs emptying and on and on and on.

Its dh's b'day tomorrow and Ive made hm a card , just feels weird writing niceties in it.

I feel anxious, low and confused. I feel Ive gone backwards and I dont like it at all. I feel like a failure. I feel like Ive blow everything out and that Im needy and sticky and messy and that all I wanted was to be heard , acknowledged and get some rest.

Sorry you're still feeling bad, messarama.

"all I wanted was to be heard , acknowledged and get some rest"

Do you think you got this? It doesn't sound like it. Not getting it doesn't mean you are a failure, it means the people around you aren't up to it, don't want to or whatever. You still deserve support though.

Your husband being nice to you sounds typical. Controllers will use all sorts of tactics to maintain the status quo, including niceness every now and then. It must make you feel like that things are quite unpredicatable with him.

no I dont get support or much rest, he thinks if I have a bath and couple of hours alone this is enough. I need to get away completely from the house and everyone.

I could not stop crying and I could barely look him in the eye after what wad said with with the homestart women & HV, so last night wasnt pleasant at all. He went off to bed and left me downstairs as I just couldn't talk to him. I came up and laid in bed and listened to my music and just started crying , he was snoring very very loudly and oblivious , so I went into the bathroom.

Once I started it wouldn't stop and I was near to panic attack stage, he then heard and came rushing in , picked me up off the floor got up and started saying ,"whats the matter " over and over in that sort of inpatient here we go again voice, (like he doesnt bloody know). I still got no comfort or soothing and he just stood over me saying he doesnt know what to do or how to solve this. He then went to bed again in a huff saying hes to tired and he hasnt got time for this again. I swear hes a 10 yr old in a 35yr old body.

I finally told him this morning that homsetart have signed me off as they feel I need professional help and hes like "oh all that again is it,pills and therapy" .I dont even think he remembered I had them coming here, or he even cared. I think hes freaked out and he started going on about how we have to solve this and what do I want him to do. He said I know you need to get away ,. but we have children and I have a job and I have to many expectations of him (errr I think its may be the other way round, as he keeps expecting me to keep going and going with hardly any help during the day) and he cant just drop his work. So it went on and on like this this morning.

I slapped my make up on , dressed up and no one at school was any the wiser. Great how make up can hide swollen eyes and a broken spirit.

Do you think everyone thinks Im ok because I keep getting dressed and made up , therefore I seem to appear sorted, so no one wold believe that Im in this mess???? Someone suggested may be I should just come in as I am??

So the lovey-doveyness didn't last then?

But hey, he doesn't need to drop his work. He can plan in advance to take some time off in order that you can get a break. How about asking him when he could take a couple of days off. If he took a Friday and a Monday off that could give you four days away. Maybe he could do it two months running so you begin to get some real respite. Or if that's too much he could agree to take the children for the weekend, so you can get one night away.

Probably everybody does think you are OK because you put a brave face on. Is there anybody in real life you can talk to?

I really hope you buy those suggested books. They'd give you a good idea about how a lot of the way you are feeling isn't down to you but a result of the circumstances you are in. It might help to make it easier to cope.

I think what strikes me most about your posts is that both you and your DH are being emotionally abusive (and physically too in your case) to each other.

You are both in a bad place.

It is easy to pick up on the shortcomings and emotional ups and downs of mess's DH but it appears to me to be no worse than the emotional ups and downs of mess herself.

You sound to me like two lost children, both wrapped up in your own misery. You connect now and again to try and support each other, but your personal pit is so deep that it ends up being counter productive - almost competitive in the I'm more victim like than you are. I don't think that either of you are bad/difficult/bullying people, I think you just don't know how to help each other right now.

I think what that means is that both of you should get the help you need to try and improve your indidual circumstances. Until there is some improvement in the general stability, I think it would be unwise to make decisions about your relationship.

I also observe that you have tried almost every form of therapy there is. Often this can be a sign that the person is in denial - as soon as the therapist starts to work on the areas where you feel vulnerable then the person switches into 'this therapy isn't working, this therapist isn;t any good, and so on'. Then off we go to a new therapist/new therapy until we start to get close to the truth again, then off we go to the next and the next and the next. Nothing gets resolved, noone moves on. The despair just circles around and around us.

I think you should choose one form of therapy - perhpas that which seems to have worked best for you recently - and stick with it until the bitter end. Although it is terribly frightening - none of this will ever be resolved without a HUGE amount of personal courage - but you and your family are worth that effort - aren't they?

Standing over your wife when she is exhausted and crying on the floor whilst getting in a huff about being upset is emotionally abusive in my book. As is shouting at her for overreacting when it turns out her child needs to go to hospital. As is expecting her to shoulder almost the whole burden of the children's care particularly when they sound like they have needed a great deal of it.

This 50/50 stuff is nonsense when somebody is clearly being mistreated.

As for the physical violence, it sounds like it arises out of frustration with his emotional cruelty and unless messorama is 6 foot 3 and strongly built and her husband is a tiny thing, he is in not much danger although obviously the violence needs to stop. Whereas men who use physical violence against women do it to create fear and to control their partners. We can ask messorama whether this is her aim but it doesn't sound like that's what it's about. She sounds like she is at the end of her tether.

A lot of the reason why some therapies don't work is because they aren't any good. The only one that I ever found that helped was cranio-sacral therapy. I've heard other types of body-work are good too.

Clandestine

I see some of what you are saying, but I need to put a little background in regards to the therapy jumping.

There are as Elizabetth said , degrees to how good a therapist is. My 1st one I found was rather strange and said odd things. I remember saying Ive only managed to call 5 people today for my business , his response was that it wasnt that much ( I didnt need further criticisms from a male & this was at the height of depression)?????????? I had to stop as he thought it best as I was rather far gone in pregnancy at the end. The 2nd therapist whilst stopping my panic attacks and calming my anxiety, didnt think I shud tell anyone what was going on in my sessions, she also didnt think any family should join me in any sessions . I was led to believe this wasnt right , as to hide things was almost saying some of her practises may be questioned. My parents at the time held up the red flag at this , as Id been going to her for MONTHS and the therapy I was going for should have been a few weeks again . The 3rd therapist was very helpful and positive and whilst we agreed with the unusual style of progressive therapy , I found it very difficult due to being also very far gone in pregnancy and we thought it best to stop, (this therapist was to deal with PTSD btw), the 4th therapist (who I saw in tandem privately) , was wonderful and very trans formative , I saw her for hypnobirthing and again another progressive style of therapy. She got me through my 2nd birth with amazing results and subsequent PTSD help for surgery 9months later. She felt I needed 8weeks further sessions , which I would like to do , but they are very expensive (£75 pr session)and Ive had to put it on the shelf .

So whilst it may seem Im always running from things for the reasons you mentioned , Im not afraid to work on myself , far from it , its a mix of financial reasons and also making sure Im having the right therapy for me.

With regards to us being like little children , that as may be , being in misery , well Ive not been able to have any social time, Ive spent day after day alone with sick children and me not having been well at times either (surgery on nethers , breast cancer scare, SPD). Ive had no break from it day after day night after night , week after week. Im actually feeling upset at your post now, so may be some rings true, whilts you mean well and are looking at it objectively , Im again loosing out on any empathy.

I dont want to control my dh , I want him to see and hear me. My physical reaction to him has been as Elizabetth said, sheer unbelievable frustration and not acknowledged or being heard ever. Its wrong I know ,its counter productive I know and its awful , but sometimes I cant believe what dh is saying to me , when repeatedly Ive said Im broken , exhausted, paranoid and vulnerable. It used to be that I would have massive panic attacks (luckily thats stopped JUST),when he was behaving like this , now I react with a fight response, as Im trying to make it STOP.