Advice needed by a guy

[tawaanchu]

Hi,

I am not sure if its a right platform to post but I needed an honest advice. I shall be very grateful for a response.

I'm a 21 -year-old guy. I am a virgin and I find it incredibly hard to talk to girls. I have had many female friends, even my closest friends have been women but when it comes to taking it to next level (dating), I don't know what to do. I have never had any girlfriend or even kissed a girl I used to like a girl very much, we were very good friends and when I told, she said that she considers me as her best friend. I respected it and we are still very good friends but now she has found a boyfriend. It makes me feel very down and sad. I genuinely loved her and think best of her but seeing her with someone else makes me feel very low and rejected.
It has been a miserable life so far and often I feel sexually frustrated. I have thought about many times of seeing an escort and getting the feel of sex. It just seems impossible for me to take my friendship with a girl to a relationship level. I have only asked girl out once (that I like her). I have many female friends but almost most of them see me as a good friend. I'm highly anxious that if I tell a girl that I like her, she would get offended and could lead to disastrous and awkward situations. I would say I am a popular and decent looking guy and if I talk to girls, they dont air or ignore me. I have taken out girls for dinner or even food but then we end up being friends. I am properly stuck in friend zone.

I don't know what to do about it. I'm in university and I see my friends enjoying, feeling loved by their girlfriends etc while me on the other hand don't enjoy the warmth and love of opposite gender. I feel incredibly nervous infront of girls that I really fancy which leads to quite awkward situations. I have only told one girl that I liked her (which was my best friend as abobe). I see my friends asking girls out in mins and next moment they start dating. While on other hand I'm still hanging around like an idiot and dont know how to flirt. My female friends consider me the nicest guy they have met but only I know how low it feels to be friend-zoned while they talk about their sexual experiences.

I have an extrovert nature with my friends (including normal female friends) and in order to act as a cool person, I lie that I am not a virgin and have slept with many women. But deep down I feel so frustrated and I think I will forever stay single. I am very tempted to see an escort and get a sexual experience as I am very sexually frustrated.

This has been affecting me a lot. Any advice will be really appreciated.

I am sorry if its not relevant to this forum

[TangibleTuTu]

Well that sounds really positive tawaanchu I'm guessing a few fancy you if you are finding it that easy to make connections. Is there one girl who you like romantically and you find is really easy to talk to?

[tawaanchu]

Yes, there are a couple that I find easy to talk to. We like to joke around and talk about random stuff sometimes. While with other girls, I usually talk about our uni, course, etc.

I haven't watched that show but I guess in this lockdown I might start watching it, thank you :)

[TangibleTuTu]

Poor Connell screws things up because he is so worried what other people think. In the end he finds out noone cares but it's too late.
The only way any of us have romantic relationships is we get to a point where we are willing to take a risk and move out of our comfort zone. Do you think you would be willing to try and do things differently because what you've been doing hasn't worked? Do you realize you have to stop caring about what you think other people are thinking?

[TangibleTuTu]

If you're willing, I will chat to my 19 yr old daughter who is in college and we will give you some suggestions on how to approach one of the girls you find easy to chat to and attempt to get you out of the friend zone. Don't worry it won't be anything weird or creepy but it will involve you accepting that she is going to have to understand you are interested in her romantically or nothing will ever happen. Are you willing to accept some homework? (I am throwing down the gauntlet here!)

[tawaanchu]

Yes, indeed that would be so helpful. Thank you so much, I highly appreciate it.

That is right I indeed need to change my approach. Currently, I feel I would always end up being single and alone if I don't learn how to take my relationship with women to the next level. I just don't know how to come out of friendzone.

[bpanther]

This will sound weird but become a yes man. Say yes to doing and saying everything you're afraid to do and say. The results will surprise you. I was 31 when I had a relationship with a 22 year old. He was very good looking but had zero confidence. We spent many nights talking as he was a bartender at my local pub and I waited and waited for him to ask me out. When he didn't I asked him and we had a very satisfying casual relationship for a year. He now has a wonderful girlfriend they have been together almost 2 years. So just say yes to doing something that you're afraid to do. Pep talk yourself before going on a date. Read what to do after a first date and do it. Fake it till you make it. Good luck 😉

[TangibleTuTu]

You may easily be naturally shy, you obviously have the skills to create friendships which is 80% of the battle! You also need to approach this as practice, it may not go anywhere but you have to start getting more comfortable with trying new things. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, you attempt to flirt with a girl and it goes no where, big deal. This happens to all of us. Boys and girls all act like it's no big deal but everyone has had plenty of flirtations that go nowhere. You do need to fancy her though, are you sure you definitely fivd her attractive? Does she give you sweaty palms if she sits near you?

[tawaanchu]

@TangibleTuTu

You may easily be naturally shy, you obviously have the skills to create friendships which is 80% of the battle! You also need to approach this as practice, it may not go anywhere but you have to start getting more comfortable with trying new things. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, you attempt to flirt with a girl and it goes no where, big deal. This happens to all of us. Boys and girls all act like it's no big deal but everyone has had plenty of flirtations that go nowhere. You do need to fancy her though, are you sure you definitely fivd her attractive? Does she give you sweaty palms if she sits near you?

Yes I would say so. I know her for around 3 years and we have been very good friends. We are in a similar group of friends. However, we now live in different cities but yet she comes down like twice in a month to my city just to meet me. Recently we have started talking again a lot since this lockdown started, we have been playing online games and just teasing and cracking jokes on each other.

One of my very good friends used to like her but she turned him down. This ultimately also led to division in our friendship group as their friendship ended. I know I like her but I am worried that if she doesn't like my advances, it will end up in a disaster. And if she says yes we go on daing, I will feel weird in front of my guy friend who used to like her and on top of that he is my good friend. It is just so complicated aha :(

[Namenic]

I think getting over the fear of rejection is probably going to help. Think of it as - that was good that I didn’t waste time/effort if she wasn’t into me.

It might be hard if your group of friends is sociable and outgoing. I’m quite geeky and it was pretty normal at 21 not to have a boyfriend, be a virgin etc. Personally it would put me off if my boyfriend had had sex with an escort.

Also do be careful when you do get into a relationship that you don’t pin all your future hopes of happiness on it.

[TangibleTuTu]

Ok, first friendship groups often break into couples and then recouples, yes it's awkward but are you going to turn down a potentially really good relationship because of how your friend would feel? They aren't going to be together as she is not interested. He will meet someone else sooner or later.

Also, at this time in your life there are lots of single women everywhere and lots of opportunity to practice your flirting skills and learn to manage rejection. Once you graduate suddenly there will be a lot less opportunity. Don't waste this time, grab it with both hands.

I spoke with my daughter, her first reaction was "nice guys are the worst! We have had to sit down some of our friends and explain that a girl really liked them because they were so clueless".

She said signs that a girl is interested romantically is if she suddenly likes some of your photos at 2am, as it means she is stalking your Instagram. Also if she likes a bunch of your photos when you haven't posted for a week, more stalking. So you may want to check and think back to some of your friends behavior.

My DD says COVID has made it easy as you can reach out to a girl you like and ask her how everything is going during lockdown. Then DM back and forth and then ask her if she wants to Facetime. If that goes well ask her if she would like to do something just the two of you, after lockdown.

Your friend who is coming to vist you may just see you as a friend and not romantically. My dd thought you should just ask her as you have known each other for so long. You have to be prepared for her to say she is not interested but coming down to see you frequently and reaching out to you to play one on one online could well be a subtle (or not so subtle) signal that she likes you. When is she coming to see you next? I am in the USA and we cannot have people visit our home yet. Does she come into your house or are you social distancing? It could be awkward to blurt out that you like her but if she is coming to see you, you can easily show her that you are open to a relationship. She might be delighted as that was what she was hoping for. Does she make any comments on your appearance or give you any compliments?

[CallItLoneliness]

You might find Captain Awkward's dating advice useful captainawkward.com/2012/07/12/296-how-do-i-start-to-date-a-counter-intuitive-primer/

[tawaanchu]

@TangibleTuTu

Ok, first friendship groups often break into couples and then recouples, yes it's awkward but are you going to turn down a potentially really good relationship because of how your friend would feel? They aren't going to be together as she is not interested. He will meet someone else sooner or later.

Also, at this time in your life there are lots of single women everywhere and lots of opportunity to practice your flirting skills and learn to manage rejection. Once you graduate suddenly there will be a lot less opportunity. Don't waste this time, grab it with both hands.

I spoke with my daughter, her first reaction was "nice guys are the worst! We have had to sit down some of our friends and explain that a girl really liked them because they were so clueless".

She said signs that a girl is interested romantically is if she suddenly likes some of your photos at 2am, as it means she is stalking your Instagram. Also if she likes a bunch of your photos when you haven't posted for a week, more stalking. So you may want to check and think back to some of your friends behavior.

My DD says COVID has made it easy as you can reach out to a girl you like and ask her how everything is going during lockdown. Then DM back and forth and then ask her if she wants to Facetime. If that goes well ask her if she would like to do something just the two of you, after lockdown.

Your friend who is coming to vist you may just see you as a friend and not romantically. My dd thought you should just ask her as you have known each other for so long. You have to be prepared for her to say she is not interested but coming down to see you frequently and reaching out to you to play one on one online could well be a subtle (or not so subtle) signal that she likes you. When is she coming to see you next? I am in the USA and we cannot have people visit our home yet. Does she come into your house or are you social distancing? It could be awkward to blurt out that you like her but if she is coming to see you, you can easily show her that you are open to a relationship. She might be delighted as that was what she was hoping for. Does she make any comments on your appearance or give you any compliments?

Thats true, there are so many women around but it's just that I am too bad at flirting. I am even unsure of what constitutes flirting. I think I will have to look at those guides listed above.

Thank you so so much for your help, I cannot thank you enough. I have had a decent number of girls going into my profile and liking my pictures, however, I have never seen it more than a good friendship gesture. Even my best friend who I was madly in love with used to go into my profile at late night and suddenly liked my pictures. I just thought that they are good friends and just like friends we often play around with banter and 'just' like each others pictures. I think my thinking is just too innocent and that makes me feel so dumb about myself.

She told me that if she gets time, she will come down to meet me next week. She won't come to my house but we would meet at a public place most likely. Whenever we meet we give each other a big hug and she keeps telling me how much she missed me, so do I. I am worried that telling that I like her may end up as a disaster. A lot of boys have asked her out before and she has said no to all of them, some of those boys are much good looking than me. I don't want to be that type of guy that she complains about as being weirdo and creep.

[Wagamamas]

Eww using escorts is the epitome of being a sad little man.

[RedRed9]

I don't want to be that type of guy that she complains about as being weirdo and creep.

Yeah... to be honest you do sound like those guys. Be upfront with her but if she says no then you really, really need to work on separating your idea of a friend from your idea of a girlfriend.

It sounds like your clinging on to any woman who gives you the slightest bit of attention. Sometimes attention is just friendship. Sometimes it’s just kindness. A woman should be able to be to interact with you without worrying that you’re going to become romantically obsessed with them.

[Raidblunner]

On a lighthearted note watch 'The 40 year ol Virgin' great film and will fill your heart with hope. Don't be embarrassed to say your a virgin. That might be your Ace card, kind of turn it round to your advantage. I had a mate when I was your age that was should I say...rather well under endowed. He would crack the same gag everytime 'it's yours if you can find it'. Just out of curiosity he had more girls than he could cope. Subsequently became very experienced and always had lots of attention.

[tawaanchu]

@RedRed9

I don't want to be that type of guy that she complains about as being weirdo and creep.

Yeah... to be honest you do sound like those guys. Be upfront with her but if she says no then you really, really need to work on separating your idea of a friend from your idea of a girlfriend.

It sounds like your clinging on to any woman who gives you the slightest bit of attention. Sometimes attention is just friendship. Sometimes it’s just kindness. A woman should be able to be to interact with you without worrying that you’re going to become romantically obsessed with them.

Thanks for your response but I don't really understand, I have never asked or even hinted my female friends that I am romantically obsessed with them. I fail to draw a line in understanding if they interacting with me out of 'kindness' or is there something else.

For eg if I meet someone, we hit up and talk. I consider myself quite chatty, we literally talk about anything, even sex, but in the end I never initiate something romantic/sexually between two of us.

[tawaanchu]

On to add, when I text someone new on social media (where almost all relationships form nowadays) I get anxious in asking questions to keep the conversations going. I have this feeling that I don't want to bore them or make myself too vulnerable in showing that I am trying too hard to talk to them.

[PicsInRed]

I have only asked one girl out and that was my close friend. She rejected me saying that she considered me as her best friend. I was madly in love with her for over 2 years, really obsessed with her. We are still very good friends, I’m even a good friend of her boyfriend but it just makes me feel so low and I literally cry sometimes on my situation.

I think this is the issue.

You'll need to pull right back from this friendship to get over her, I'm afraid. She won't change her mind if you just wait around long enough. You need to disconnect and move on for your own mental wellbeing and life quality. 💐

[Musti]

Hi op. You need to relax. So you've never had sex at 21? That's not a problem, you've plenty of time. I lost my virginity at 21 and so did an ex.

Don't worry about anyone else just be you. If you get to know someone you fancy, ask them out. Have a few drinks and maybe when walking her home hold her hand or something. If she's happy with that then kiss her when you say goodnight.

I've also thought that you sound very friendly and open so I am guessing that your friends don't realise that you may lack confidence in making a first move so don't even raise that you may fancy them etc.

[RedRed9]

Exactly what PicsInRed just said @tawaanchu

[Wagamamas]

If its not a dating app dont be that loser.

[SpiderStan]

Ok firstly, I want to veto your idea of an escort, only because I believe that will make you feel worse later down the line. It will only fulfil one of your needs, and will make the other needs worse.

Secondly, you might be getting friend-zoned at the moment, but trust me you are on your way to becoming someone really special for the right girl. Girls like confidence, but not always cockiness. So try to keep that at bay.

And lastly, some of the best and most amazing relationships start with friendship. There is nothing wrong with starting there. You will be surprised.

[user1471565182]

I think whe they say 'stop being so nice' they dont mean stop being a good person, they maybe mean when you have initially asked them out somewhere, you need to push it a bit more and make your feelings clear if it goes well at first. It will feel akward doing that, theres not really another option except follow the old sexist 'be a man' stuff.

The long messages are a mistake I think. Never treat dating like romantic films. Keep it casual, clear, respectful, free of games and weird language and you wont be a creep- although you dont sound like a natural creep at all anyway.

[tawaanchu]

Thank you for your replies, I highly appreciate it.

I am just wondering - do girls find virgin guys a turn-off? I consider myself to have a 'very dude' kind of personality and I don't want people, particularly girls around me to look down upon me knowing that I am a virgin.

I dont know anyone who is a virgin at my age.

[HotMessTryNotToStress]

Hi OP,

I would say that women who are put off by you being a virgin are simply not right for you anyway. Speaking for myself it wouldn't put me off at all.
It's all about connecting with somebody and all being well the sex part will naturally happen when the time is right.

You sound like a lovely person. You just need to build up your confidence and believe in yourself.

Good luck!