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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Finding this relationship hard!

57 replies

Foxy456 · 31/05/2020 09:40

Hi all, just wanting some advice. Long story short I’ve been badly hurt in the past, I overthink EVERYTHING! Met my bf in a shit way, we started our relationship before he fully ended his previous one. (Which both him and ex have said was already dead) his ex took a year to leave the home they shared with they’re 3 year old (saving etc) she now has a bf (who she was seeing before me and my bf started anything, we’ve since found out) anyway that’s the short version. My issues now are she’s not great with they’re son she struggles with being a mum, so his parents treat her like she’s a 15 year old still. She has more interaction with his family than her own, she txts my bf for everything. (Like a child, she’s 32) his family won’t accept me, and I feel like she’s spending as much time as she can with them to discourage them having anything to do with me. His family slag her off yet lick her arse, cos they are worried she can’t look after the child alone. (She has him 4 days on 4 days off). My bf says he thinks it’s odd but better for the child as she’s incompetent. Me and my bf constantly argue about it all, we live 45 miles apart so only see each other 2-3 times a week. It’s causing a massive rift. Anyone else dealt with similar??

OP posts:

Menora · 31/05/2020 10:12

Yeah my advice is to walk away and go and find a less shit situation
You can’t do anything except sit and watch this go on. You can’t change anything

forumdonkey · 31/05/2020 10:18

Let's call a spade a spade - you had an affair with a man who was in a relationship and they had a young child together. Not only are they his parents they are grandparents. This isn't about you. What would you like to happen? His parents to welcome you with open arms and discard their grandson. I don't know how old you are but you sound like a teenager.

category12 · 31/05/2020 10:18

Sounds awful, why are you bothering?

And you should be careful about getting so antagonistic about his ex - she's the mother of his dc so you're stuck with her in your life if you stay with him. Better to disengage emotionally and not feed your own dislike. You were the other woman, remember, you fucked her over. You owe her the benefit of the doubt, hating her is really misplaced.

Bathbedandbeyond · 31/05/2020 10:21

*their son. End your relationship and focus on your written skills?

amillionwishes · 31/05/2020 10:28

In what way is she incompetent? How do you know how much time his family spend talking to her? Surely it's better that they have a good relationship with their dgc's mother? Why did she move out and not him, seeing as he was in a relationship with you?

As a pp pointed out, if you stay with him then this woman will be a part of your life forever. It's probably worth getting to know her and offering support if she's struggling, not slagging her off and expecting his family to prefer you over her.

Techway · 31/05/2020 10:38

You will constantly be drawn into drama and it is your choice to stay in the situation.

Step back and look at the situation, you are constantly arguing and I assume that upsets you. You can't change, him, her, his parents so all you can do is leave or tolerate it.

If you trust him then you maybe able to tolerate it, perhaps when the child is older the grandparents may accept you. However I would question why you would choose this as a life. It really isn't an easy or enjoyable path.

Original poster

Foxy456 · 31/05/2020 11:49

Guys I think you have all read this totally the wrong way! She was cheating on him way before he met me, she then lied to everyone making herself look miss innocent when it wasn’t the case. I’m not envious of her relationship with his parents, nor do I want them to ditch anyone to hv a relationship with me, I’m purely saying I find it odd..
@amillionwishes he tells me how much she calls his mum, how incompetent she is with the child. I’m there when his mum is slagging her off for her bad parenting saying she wishes he had made a better choice to mother his child. Yet she then licks his ex’s arse daily. It was his house so she left. She is very childlike, needs help + reassurance for everything especially to do with the child, I am just finding it hard to deal with hence this post. It wasn’t for you all to point out my wrong doings I am fully aware of them myself. Was just wondering if anyone else had been through similar.
Easy for people to say walk away, hard to do when you love someone.

OP posts:

Menora · 31/05/2020 12:12

No one read it the wrong way
What does all that matter?

Not your child
Not your parents
Not your ex

You are just a girlfriend who has no say no input into all the drama

He’s not going to choose you over everyone else is he

Menora · 31/05/2020 12:13

We are telling you to walk away because nothing you think or say or do will change this ex into someone you would prefer her to be

So you put up with it or you don’t! What else do you want people to say?

TooTrueToBeGood · 31/05/2020 12:16

She was cheating on him, he was cheating on her, his family resent you, he belittles the mother of his child.......

Why on earth do you even want to be part of this car crash? They sound like an episode of Jeremy Kyle waiting to happen.

Original poster

Foxy456 · 31/05/2020 12:25

@Menora I get what ur saying but it’s not as simple as just walking away is it, hence why I asked has anyone else been through similar.

@TooTrueToBeGood trust me I really wish I wasn’t a part of it, never in my life come across such oddness.

OP posts:

Velvian · 31/05/2020 12:29

I don't think you can take what what your BF or his mum say as gospel. I imagine the ex would have a very different spin on things. Do they really have 50/50? Are his family actually helping her look after the child or just moaning about her? I don't think you can know what is going on and you can't trust very biased parties to get the full picture.

Menora · 31/05/2020 12:30

Ok well advice if you are going to stay with this man is stop caring about all the stuff that 1. Is nothing to do with you 2. Things you can’t change 3. Remember you have 1 side of the story - his

You can complain about this ex all you want - what do you actually WANT? What do you want to happen? All of you wake up overnight and she’s become a new person? His parents suddenly decide they like you? Perhaps they don’t like you because you have so many poor opinions of the mother of their grandchild. Don’t listen to them moaning about her. Tell your ex you don’t want to hear him moaning about her either if he’s not going to make any changes

CatsGoPurrrr · 31/05/2020 12:31

It IS as simple as just walking away, you just don’t want to do this.

What you want (everyone else to change) will NEVER happen.

You either accept that (why would you?) or you leave.

Destroyedpeople · 31/05/2020 12:32

Yes it IS that simple. Walk away.
And I am sorry but you sound vile and childish. 'She licks his ex's arse daily ' ...what a revolting turn of phrase !

None of this should be anything to do with you. I think you should walk away from this car crash..

Maybe go back to college and learn how to express yourself better and stay away from men in relationships.

Velvian · 31/05/2020 12:36

How come your ex got to stay at home and she had to go? Whose name does the child have? Were they married? I think the answers to some basic questions will tell you what kind of person he is.

Did he do a nice bit of future faking on her to convince her to give the child his name, convince her to to take on all the child care responsibilities, while he built up assets that she had no claim to? There are a lot of very manipulative men out there that pull the "we'll get married one day". While women are socialised to put everyone else's wishes first they will continue to get away with it.

Original poster

Foxy456 · 31/05/2020 12:42

@Velvian she spends her days off round his parents house, so I can’t imagine her saying anything diff. Also yes they share custody 4 on 4 off with the child, but on her 4 days she’s either leaving the child with his parents or she’s round there herself with the child. His mum slates her constantly, I’m there when she calls him to moan about her parenting.

I just want her to move on I guess, to me it seems she’s clinging onto him and his family. Yet she has a bf. His parents don’t like me because she made herself out to be the victim and me the bad person. Even tho she isn’t any better than me. That’s their choice, I’m not interested in being in any sort of relationship with his family anyway.

OP posts:

Destroyedpeople · 31/05/2020 12:49

Oh just stop it now. All of it. Slagging off the ex...all this 'made herself out to be the victim' honestly have a word with yourself.

Destroyedpeople · 31/05/2020 12:50

Life is not an episode of EastEnders you know..

Original poster

Foxy456 · 31/05/2020 12:51

@Velvian because he bought the house, she chose to leave and not claim anything even tho they had been common law for many years. Not married and the child has his name. I don’t know what went on, but his mum is extremely interfering and has always had a say when it comes to their child.

@Destroyedpeople I am not vile nor childish, maybe just a term used where I’m from, and I know how to express myself. I am purely trying to get different views other than my own, that’s it.

OP posts:

nevernotstruggling · 31/05/2020 12:53

This just sounds like hard work and not worth the effort

Justyouraveragehuman · 31/05/2020 12:54

OP i have been through something very similar and my advice is to please please walk away. With me, it ended in a lot of hurt and after we split, they ended up getting back together for a short time (obviously it then went tits up again). You do not need this drama. I can see where you’re coming from with the mum thing. It’s not at all like you want her to disown her grandson, you just want them to realise that you are now his girlfriend, not her. I found it very uncomfortable about how much my ex’s ex spoke to his mum despite her always slagging her off.

Original poster

Foxy456 · 31/05/2020 12:55

@Destroyedpeople unfortunately she has made herself out to be the victim that’s not me slagging her off it’s fact. She lied, cheated and aborted her boyfriends baby all behind my ex’s back. Then when everyone found out about me and him she protrayed total innocence even though my bf had the proof in cards, txts and paperwork. Like I said I shortened the story because all of that is irrelevant. If I wrote start to now maybe u would see my point. Nevermind, judgement is a funny thing I guess.

OP posts:

Eugenieonegin · 31/05/2020 12:57

Okay, even if this is exactly as you say it is.
This is nothing to do with you.
There is a three year old child who grandparents are concerned about the welfare of.
I applaud them for staying involved, maybe they are trying to encourage her to do better - not “licking her arse”, maybe they love their grandchild.
Maybe they find you unsympathetic to their difficult situation, caused by your boyfriend.

Original poster

Foxy456 · 31/05/2020 12:57

@Justyouraveragehuman Thank you for sharing, this is why I wrote the post not to be slated. I just wanted to hear from someone who had been in a similar situation. It is extremely hard work and draining. I’ve already been through a lot of hurt. I wrote this post to try and help me get the strength I need to understand it’s probably never going to work.

OP posts:

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