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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Finding this relationship hard!

57 replies

Foxy456 · 31/05/2020 09:40

Hi all, just wanting some advice. Long story short I’ve been badly hurt in the past, I overthink EVERYTHING! Met my bf in a shit way, we started our relationship before he fully ended his previous one. (Which both him and ex have said was already dead) his ex took a year to leave the home they shared with they’re 3 year old (saving etc) she now has a bf (who she was seeing before me and my bf started anything, we’ve since found out) anyway that’s the short version. My issues now are she’s not great with they’re son she struggles with being a mum, so his parents treat her like she’s a 15 year old still. She has more interaction with his family than her own, she txts my bf for everything. (Like a child, she’s 32) his family won’t accept me, and I feel like she’s spending as much time as she can with them to discourage them having anything to do with me. His family slag her off yet lick her arse, cos they are worried she can’t look after the child alone. (She has him 4 days on 4 days off). My bf says he thinks it’s odd but better for the child as she’s incompetent. Me and my bf constantly argue about it all, we live 45 miles apart so only see each other 2-3 times a week. It’s causing a massive rift. Anyone else dealt with similar??

OP posts:

Destroyedpeople · 31/05/2020 12:59

It. Is. Not. Your. Business.

Just stop it. Honestly young people raised on a diet of soaps and kyle need to get a grip.

Menora · 31/05/2020 13:00

All of it is irrelevant. It is irrelevant to you. You can’t have what you want. You have chosen to get with this man despite him being in a relationship with a child

Now you seem to be walking around as if you are the bigger person determined to make the ex out to be a terrible mother, cheat, liar etc. Why is this you vs her? Only in your mind. All 3 of you are all cheats! The child is 3 so you would have another 15 years of your life down the drain hating this woman, if you have a child with him then you will probably never get on with his family, you will just be in even more of a mess. Is there really no other men out there you could fall in love with who have a far less crap and complicated situation

category12 · 31/05/2020 13:01

She's "clinging on" to his family because she has a child with their son, and wants to keep a relationship with them. She may need support because of mental health reasons, or you know, just because being a sole parent is difficult. And it makes sense to support her and keep relations good.

You keep saying the child, but he or she is their child and his.

You can spin it as she cheated first, but you and he didn't know that at the time, if it's even true, so it doesn't magically make what you did not shitty.

Original poster

Foxy456 · 31/05/2020 13:10

@Destroyedpeople Hardly young again another judgement!

@Menora I’m not the bigger person, nor am I ‘me vs her’ your right though, why would I waste another 15 years in this.

@category12 She doesn’t have mental health, she just doesn’t know how to be a mum sadly. Some people are not maternal. Their child cry’s everytime she comes to collect, screaming I don’t want to go to mummy’s I don’t like her. When my bf FaceTimes (on her 4 days) the Lo is majorily upset to be with her, then my bf will call and tell his mum who will then contact her and make arrangements to get the child.

What I did WAS + IS wrong. I never said it wasn’t, all I’m saying is I’ve had the blame from his family not him and not her.

OP posts:

FrappuccinoLight · 31/05/2020 13:11

Walk away. Obviously. Never going to improve. He and his family are enabling this situation to continue. No one is bothered about you.

Destroyedpeople · 31/05/2020 13:12

Oh are you not...Sorry but you do sound it. Immature then my mistake.

tenlittlecygnets · 31/05/2020 13:12

Just walk away. You're not going to change things.

Find someone less complicated with a less shit situation.

NoMoreDickheads · 31/05/2020 13:12

She was cheating on him way before he met me

Maybe. You said yourself that the two of you didn't know that at the time though. As far as you both knew when you did it, it was just him cheating on her. Or so I understand it?

Either way, this is the situation that you are in now. You just have to decide whether you can put up with it.

category12 · 31/05/2020 13:13

If that's true, then you ought to be bloody happy for the child's sake that his parents step up.

Igtg · 31/05/2020 13:24

If she is as childish and incompetent as you say, then she obviously needs a lot of support and good job his family are there to help with their little boy. They are obviously trying to do the right thing by their grandchild .

Original poster

Foxy456 · 31/05/2020 13:29

@category12 that’s all my bf says... that he finds it extremely odd, but says if it wasn’t for my parents my child would be unhappy with her for four days. I get that, what I don’t get is why they need to slag her off yet still invite her into they’re home whilst knowing how awful she is with they’re GC.

@NoMoreDickheads when I met him he told me they’re relationship had basically been over for a while. She backed this up when I spoke to her to apologise to her. Since then we found out, the relationship had broken down because 6 months before we met she had already met someone else. However she wouldn’t admit this to his family, even with all the proof and is now with said guy and still lying to my bf’s mother saying she’s not with him.

@FrappuccinoLight No they aren’t, Im just someone with no feelings.

OP posts:

Original poster

Foxy456 · 31/05/2020 13:33

@tenlittlecygnets I believe this to be true.

OP posts:

Original poster

Foxy456 · 31/05/2020 13:36

@Destroyedpeople I’m Not immature at all, unfortunately this is my life currently. We have all been in a situation we would rather not be in at some point. I’m not trying to score points and it may sound immature, sadly this is what I’ve had to deal with to be with my BF.

OP posts:

lululocks · 31/05/2020 13:42

You won’t get much support on here OP as lots of these people replying are the ones in his ex’s situation so they will only say what theY really want to say to their exh new girlfriend 🙄!

I would personally walk away and find someone without children and baggage.

1forAll74 · 31/05/2020 13:44

Well nothing seems ideal at all here. The 32 year old's life is a mess up. much more than your relationship is. I feel sorry for the child here, who has to go here and there all the time.

You will have to try and not get involved with all this kind of situation,if you wan't to stay with your partner, as it will affect your relationship,if you keep arguing about it, and you have already said, that you don't wan't to be involved with your partners parents.

Original poster

Foxy456 · 31/05/2020 13:46

@lululocks makes sense!
I have two children myself, so that’s not possible. I understand Baggage fully, what I don’t get is when people can’t move on. My children have diff dads and I don’t and have never seen or heard anything like this, we get on amicably for our child and that’s it. I have a polite relationship with their grandparents and again that’s it. I find all of it extremely odd.

OP posts:

Original poster

Foxy456 · 31/05/2020 13:52

@1forAll74 The child is happy when he is with my bf or parents, he has a very stable routine and is thriving in school etc. I find it very disturbing as a mother (single mum for many years) to hear a 3 year old scream to not go with his mum + say he hates her. Like I said I get why his family take over, what I don’t get is them slating her then inviting her into they’re home and pretending she’s a good person. I do try and not get involved but like yesterday when he says she’s been round his parents all day it does annoy me. She’s made comments insinuating she only does it to prevent them having any kind of relationship with me. Which is pointless because I don’t want to be involved with them I just find it odd she’s still not moving on.

OP posts:

baileys6904 · 31/05/2020 13:54

OK so I have a child and my partner has 3. Weve been together years, no cross over relationship but I have the utmost love and respect for him, and absolutely idolise the guy. We talk, we are open, we have no secrets, genuinely took me 30 years to get there but bets relationship I have ever had or even witnessed.

However, when it comes to the mother of his kids, I keep my mouth shut.

I don't interfere try hard not to pass judgement, keep my face straight and listen when he needs a vent. When I am having issues with my ex, I expect him to do the same, and on one occasion when he forgot this 'agreement' I got defensive and it caused a bit of friction, despite it not actually being our argument.

If you want to stay with him, u do so knowing this is the status quo. It may get better, it may not. Not your ball, not your playground. Time may help re his parents but only if they see you are putting the child and family first. If you cant do that, you'll end up wasting A huge chunk of life. If he's the type of man that puts a woman before his child, then he sprobbaly not the type you want to be with

2ndtimemum2 · 31/05/2020 13:56

Hi foxy
I couldnt read and not reply..theres alot of people on here who have had their lives destroyed by a partner cheating so you've hit a raw nerve with many by starting a relationship like this. Do you not have a fear that hell do exactly to you what he did to her? At the end of the day though he without sin cast the first stone.

This relationship doesnt seen to be bringing you any happiness though where do you see it going? His family will will always prioritize their grandchild and by default her too, shes the mother of his child and this could be your story for the foreseeable if you stay.

His parents are caught in the middle they love that child and they would probably dance with the devil himself to make sure the needs of that child are met and if that means welcoming her into their home so be it.

I dont think theres any advice anyone can give you the situation will not change from their side so you have to accept it as it is or walk away...

Original poster

Foxy456 · 31/05/2020 14:00

@baileys6904 That’s so refreshing to hear. I so wish this is how we were.

I love his child like my own, and his parents know how much he loves me too as all he talks about to them is me and my children. My bf has also told them in no uncertain terms that if they won’t accept me, then they will miss out because on birthdays, xmas etc him and his child will be with me. I really try not to pass judgment on her but as a mother it really annoys me how useless she is with his Lo. Also when she’s texting my bf because she knows he’s picking the child up to get her a few bits from where he works, and he does. Things like that really annoy me. I guess I just need to take a back seat (extremely hard) or walk away.

OP posts:

Original poster

Foxy456 · 31/05/2020 14:07

@2ndtimemum2 I get it! I’ve been cheated on by both my children’s fathers, so trust me this isn’t how I ever ever wanted to behave or Start a relationship because I fully knew the hurt and upset it causes. However as I’ve found out sometimes stupidly we all behave wrongly. Hence why I txt her to apologise. Since then never did I think all of this crap would unfold. Of course there is fear he will do the same to me but that’s my own fault if he does. This will be my foreseeable future if I stay with him, nothing is going to change. This is why I wrote the post to see if anyone had lived through anything similar + if so how did they deal with it. His parents would do anything for their Gc except be civil to me whilst we are both around him. They create an atmosphere in front of the poor child. All of it is messed up.

OP posts:

Original poster

Foxy456 · 31/05/2020 14:09

@baileys6904 btw he is 100% not the type to put a women before his child, hence why I’m in this predicament. He knows it’s all odd but allows it because he thinks it’s for the good of his child.

OP posts:

baileys6904 · 31/05/2020 15:04

I'm glad you took my reply as its intended. If he is still doing thing that makes his kids life easier, or even just the kids mums life easier, good! It's nice to be nice. It shows he's a nice person. It's also beneficial to the child if the primary carers are a team.

You are the outer team. No matter how much you care for the child, its not yours and never will be. Yours is the supporting role not the lead, no matter how bad the lead a trees is perceived, so to speak.
Perhaps once the mum sees that, her attitude will change, making it easy for others to fall in.
If it helps, things just gradually changed as life went on. However I'm not sure how long you waited before meeting the child, perhaps that had a bearing? You came from a losing position anyway, with being the OW no matter what she was upto or not. Unfortunately you'll have to try harder than most to prove your worth, if you will. Only you can see if its worth it

TorkTorkBam · 31/05/2020 15:12

You wrote
I just want her to move on I guess, to me it seems she’s clinging onto him and his family.
And
what I don’t get is when people can’t move on.

Yet this is exactly what YOU are doing. You are in a shit relationship. End it. Your boyfriend is no position to be expending energy on you and your children. He should have all his attention on his own child, who is in need of more and better parental support.

Pull up your big girl pants, send him packing to give his kid a chance and to stop modelling clinging to bad relationships yet again to your own children.

category12 · 31/05/2020 15:38

he is 100% not the type to put a women before his child, hence why I’m in this predicament

Yet he has left his child with an allegedly unfit mother to be with you .

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