Partner and family

[tinatsarina]

Been with my partner 8 years. 2 kids 5 and 3 months. My partner hasn't got along with one of my sister's basically from the start but I accepted that not everyone gets on with everyone else. Things have happened when I was pregnant where my partner and my dad had an actual fight. My dad got physical first but even though they spoke about it and my dad apologized my family no longer invite my partner to family events. He now says he hates both my sisters, my aunt and everyone basically. He says they're bullying c*nts. My aunt at one point called him abusive as they were all trading comments back and forth on WhatsApp about issues from the past that had festered. Now I'm stuck in the middle. Obviously when lockdowns over my family will want to call to see the kids but he says they aren't welcome at his house (we rent). Anytime anyone phones he asks what did they want then gets annoyed when I tell him. Why ask if you hate them just to end up getting your self wound up. Anyone any advice?

What did he and your dad fight about?
Is there any weight to the comments that he is abusive?
Do your family ever behave like this about any other family members partners?

So who is in the wrong here, from your point of view?

Is your partner abusive? What did he fight with your dad over? (Really, a physical fight?!)

Is this sort of thing normal for your family - falling out and fighting? Are they bullying him?

They fought because me and my dad got into an argument about my son's behaviour I felt like my dad was criticising me and my parenting skills, usual theme throughout my life that I'm incapable of being an adult, house isn't clean to their standards, I don't iron our clothes properly etc so my partner phoned my dad saying he had upset me and he needed to apologize, my dad came to my house to speak to me but started an argument with my partner about don't tell me how to speak to my kids, I'm 29 btw. They argued back and forth with my partner saying to him to get out, my dad grabbed my partner and he reacted back.
My sister's blame my partner,
I blame my dad.

You tell him it's ok if he doesn't want to see them but you are going to see them whenever you want. If he tries to stop you he is controlling.

The family history with guys isn't great my parents are divorced, my aunt is divorced, my sister hasn't picked great partners in the past ( hers was a case of domestic violence as was my aunts first husband). One of my mum's partners since divorcing my dad involved violence. It's like they expect every guy to be abusive in some way.

This has only happened in the past two years. before that everyone got on great apart from my sister and my partner.

Now he's. Saying I can't take the kids to see my Dad tomorrow, socially distanced of course

It sounds like they treat you and your dp horribly.Do you want to see your dad?

Yea I do want to see my dad. He's annoyed that there was no invite for him but he wouldn't have went anyway. The way I see it both sides have said things and offended the other I can't see why they all can't just move on.

You can still see your dad tomorrow with the kids, you don't need your DP's permission and he can't stop you.

I know but it'll cause a huge argument again, already has with me and him today. I just want everything back the way it was

To be honest with you, if my DH's family were outspoken about hating me, there is no way I'd want him taking my kids anywhere near them!

He says he hates them. No one on my side has actually said they hate him. They had an issue with him hitting my dad, even though dad was physical first.

...i also wouldn't let my DH take our kids to see someone who hit me! Would you? If someone had hit you, would you be OK with that person seeing your kids?

So what do I do? Not let my kids see their granda again? He apologized for his behaviour that night.

I don't have answers for you, but if you keep chosing your father (who hit your husband when he tried to stand up for you, i can't believe that you're just skimming over that like it was just a minor disagreement, it was assault!!) over your husband, then your marriage isn't going to last much longer.

I'm skimming it because they spoke about it and my dad apologized I don't see what else he can do.

Apologising doesnt mean the other person has to accept it. It's not OK just because he said sorry, and your DH doesn't have to forgive him.

I've tried to be peacemaker for both sides but now I can't see how it's going to work out. This issue is just going to keep coming up.

You're going to have to choose.

In my opinion you should be stepping up and defending your partner to your family. They sound awful, do you want your children learning that it's acceptable to just attack people? Your dad saying sorry doesn't make everything better.
The children are your partners kids too and he should be able to say that his children aren't allowed around violent people.

Turn it on it’s head.
If your mil/partners mother had hit you would you want your kids to see her again?

I do understand my partner's side of things but I can't just go NC with my family. They help us out alot with money if we're short say one week and we need electric or something.

...paying your bills doesnt give them the right to hit your husband! Youre being bullied here - i don't blame your husband for not wanting to be around these people.

I can see why you feel in the middle, but if my MIL hit me, I would also not want my children going round either if they’re incapable of retaining their temper. I would also expect DP to firmly stick up for me and take my feelings into account more. Your dad may have said sorry, but after physically assaulting someone, it’s going to take more time I would imagine.

You don't need to go NC but you can't expect your husband to have anything to do with them, or allow your DC near them.