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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner and family

63 replies

tinatsarina · 29/05/2020 19:17

Been with my partner 8 years. 2 kids 5 and 3 months. My partner hasn't got along with one of my sister's basically from the start but I accepted that not everyone gets on with everyone else. Things have happened when I was pregnant where my partner and my dad had an actual fight. My dad got physical first but even though they spoke about it and my dad apologized my family no longer invite my partner to family events. He now says he hates both my sisters, my aunt and everyone basically. He says they're bullying c*nts. My aunt at one point called him abusive as they were all trading comments back and forth on WhatsApp about issues from the past that had festered. Now I'm stuck in the middle. Obviously when lockdowns over my family will want to call to see the kids but he says they aren't welcome at his house (we rent). Anytime anyone phones he asks what did they want then gets annoyed when I tell him. Why ask if you hate them just to end up getting your self wound up. Anyone any advice?

OP posts:
blancheduboiss · 29/05/2020 21:31

FIL* sorry

Nanny0gg · 29/05/2020 21:38

Why do you want to see your dad? It doesn't seem like he's treated you very well or has any respect for you.

And unusually, your partner seems to be on your side

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 29/05/2020 21:42

@nanny0gg she wants to see her dad because he pays her bills.

OtterBe4 · 29/05/2020 21:46

Why do you want a relationship with a parent who constantly judge sand tries to control
you?
Don’t take any more ££ off your Dad, have an airtight budget.
I think your DP is in the right.

Original poster
tinatsarina · 29/05/2020 21:53

It's not just my dad, he doesn't want the kids around any of my family except maybe my mum, I have no one else to talk to about this apart from Mumsnet. I feel really isolated right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
tinatsarina · 29/05/2020 21:54

Can't have an airtight budget it's my partner who spends the money on drink as well as other stuff. I had another thread about his addiction which we're only just clearing the bill he racked up.

OP posts:
SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 29/05/2020 21:56

As i said, you're going to have to choose.

chipsandpeas · 29/05/2020 21:58

so tell your DP you will stop getting bail outs from your dad to coer his drinking
he cant hate him then decide to take his money imo

OtterBe4 · 29/05/2020 21:59

That’s a drip feed and a half, your DP is an addict, just drink or drink and drugs?
You should control the ££, never let ana edict have control of ££

BarbedBloom · 29/05/2020 22:01

Honestly I would be splitting up with you in this situation. Your father was out of line and your partner doesn't need to accept his apology. If your partner had hit you, would you have forgotten it and just accepted an apology.

Your family don't sound great if I am honest

LovingLola · 29/05/2020 22:01

So your father has to pay the bills for you because your dp - a father himself - spends it on alcohol and drugs????

BarbedBloom · 29/05/2020 22:02

Oh, I just saw the drip feed. More complex then. I still don't think your partner is going to forgive and forget so this won't go away. My opinion remains the same about your family

Original poster
tinatsarina · 29/05/2020 22:04

That's what I said to him. He's ok taking their handouts but doesn't want the kids to see them

OP posts:
Original poster
tinatsarina · 29/05/2020 22:05

Sorry for the drip feed there is alot going on and I tried to keep it concise but there's issue within issues

OP posts:
Nymeriastark1 · 29/05/2020 22:14

They both sound a treat Hmm. My advice would be to leave your partner who spends the bill money on alcohol and drugs. And get yourself into a position were you can provide for your own kids without having to rely on other people. (Except maintenance payments of course) It will be hard but you'll be able to do it. They all sound as bad as eachother.

LovingLola · 29/05/2020 22:14

There’s lot of issues
The decision you need to make is what is best for your children
Will your partner deal with his addictions or will you waste the best years of your life trying and failing to get him to change

Original poster
tinatsarina · 29/05/2020 22:16

Sometimes I do wish it could just be me and the kids without anyone's drama. He's said about speaking to his mum about moving back in with her and I'll have to tell my family they are one of the reasons why we're breaking up which will start an argument cuz they will believe they haven't done anything wrong

OP posts:
thenamesarealltaken · 29/05/2020 22:18

After reading everything, I see how you're in a very difficult position. You're effectively dependent upon your critical father, because of your partner who wastes the money you both earn. You can't choose your partner as you rely on your family. You can't choose your parents and family as you love your partner. Ok, so you need to fix your dependency on your family and decide if living with your partner is in the best interests of your children and healthy for you. Meanwhile, you're in the middle. Maybe tell them both, you'll visit, but you refuse to talk about the other with them.

Original poster
tinatsarina · 29/05/2020 22:22

@thenamesarealltaken that's what I had been doing they ask generally on how he's doing etc but I told them all I don't want to hear about that night and who said what which my family haven't spoke about it again. It's my partner that goes off on one any time they're mentioned

OP posts:
notchickenagain · 29/05/2020 22:22

That sounds like a good solution! Let him go back to his mum's, you get on your feet and stop having to take handouts to fuel his addiction and the decision is then totally yours whether you want your dc exposed to violent relations or not.

LovingLola · 29/05/2020 22:23

How much does he drink? How much does it cost? And is he definitely off the drugs?

Spillinteas · 29/05/2020 22:23

I’ve changed my mind on what I was going to write since reading your updates.

Your right there is an issue with in an issue.

Your dad will feel resentful that your dp isn’t financially looking after your properly. That will never go away and I don’t blame him to be honest.

Your dp is pissing your money up the wall is reliant on your parents money yet is getting frustrated at the way they treat him.

Yet he is still not willing to change. Your always going to have this issue. Your going to have to bite the bullet and stop enabling your DP and what ever you do don’t stop contact with your family.

I can on to say I can understand why your dp is upset as I banned mil from our house and seeing my kids, which after a while I allowed them to revisit ( which still pisses me off tbh)

But you need these people because of your DP.

Spillinteas · 29/05/2020 22:25

I’d tell him to love back in to his mums untill he sorts himself out.

Original poster
tinatsarina · 29/05/2020 22:27

I'm currently in my living room upset. I can't believe this is my life. This isn't what either of us pictured when we got together.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 29/05/2020 22:30

Will he talk to you without getting angry? Can you have a completely honest discussion about his addictions?
Do you love him?

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