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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner and family

63 replies

tinatsarina · 29/05/2020 19:17

Been with my partner 8 years. 2 kids 5 and 3 months. My partner hasn't got along with one of my sister's basically from the start but I accepted that not everyone gets on with everyone else. Things have happened when I was pregnant where my partner and my dad had an actual fight. My dad got physical first but even though they spoke about it and my dad apologized my family no longer invite my partner to family events. He now says he hates both my sisters, my aunt and everyone basically. He says they're bullying c*nts. My aunt at one point called him abusive as they were all trading comments back and forth on WhatsApp about issues from the past that had festered. Now I'm stuck in the middle. Obviously when lockdowns over my family will want to call to see the kids but he says they aren't welcome at his house (we rent). Anytime anyone phones he asks what did they want then gets annoyed when I tell him. Why ask if you hate them just to end up getting your self wound up. Anyone any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
tinatsarina · 29/05/2020 22:35

I do love him. We've spoke about it. It started off just taking it when he was out with mates at a party now it's every week. He's lied to me about how much it costs. Over new year he asked me to help pay the car insurance and finance as he'd missed a payment at Christmas so I agreed and later found out it was actually to pay off his drug bill. We spoke and he said he would get himself off it but he hasn't. I've said to him about na meetings but he doesn't think it's that bad. My family don't know about this.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 29/05/2020 22:37

So he is a drug addict still?
You absolutely have to get away from him. This will destroy your life and your children’s lives.

Fiveasidefootballfamily · 29/05/2020 22:44

So your family belittle you and pick fault with your parenting and your house, your partner steps in to defend you and your dad hits him. Your dad says sorry but then the family (and your dad?) think your he did nothing wrong and it’s all your partners fault. As a result, your partner isn’t welcome to visit their house, but they still expect you to take HIS children round to their house and sit like happy families, whilst your husband is ostracised for sticking up for you?

No wonder he talks about it and brings it up. I’d be pretty annoyed if I stuck up for my loved one, only for them to run back to their family as if nothing had happened and allow them to blame me for everything and block me from all family events.

What have your family lost by behaving this way and talking about you like crap? Your partner is the one that lost out and all he did was defend you! Why haven’t you had his back like he had yours?

By taking your kids around there and continuing with your family like nothing happened, you are condoning their behaviour. How dare they continue to blame your partner for everything and think they have the right to say he’s not welcome.

His addictions are a separate thing and maybe you need to leave if it’s out of control BUT that doesn’t mean running back to your abusive family who have treated you like crap! From what you’ve said about the relationship issues with your partner and other family, he was in the right and they were/are all completely in the wrong! You should be reiterating this to them and standing up for yourself!

Standrewsschool · 29/05/2020 22:46

You need to decide where you go from here.

Do you want your dc (and yourself) to have a relationship with their grandparents? If so, you need to explain that you will be seeing them, but Dp doesn’t need to be involved.

Does he let you see your other friends?

I’ve got friends who dh wouldn’t let his wife see her relatives, and hen friends. She has now left him, as although he was always nice and pleasant to everyone, he was a controlling dh. Never violent but subtly controlling.

Standrewsschool · 29/05/2020 22:48

Drug addict - not good, especially if he is missing payments on essentials, and/or Lieing about it.

Spillinteas · 29/05/2020 22:59

Ah Tina my friend forced her DH in to rehab and to go in to NA the alternative was to leave the house. He did it because he loves his family and has been clean for two years.

Your enabling him. If he’s not at the point where he doesn’t think he has a problem your a long way off sorting this out. He’s not even trying.

You’ve got to be cruel to be kind.

Original poster
tinatsarina · 29/05/2020 23:09

He's said he would have went to this gathering tomorrow if he was invited to attempt to bury the hatchet but as he wasn't invited it's shown him that they are just as horrible as ever and I'm inclined to agree.
I don't know how to go about bringing this up to them cuz it's opening a can of worms again.
He's said after this last payment that's it he's done with the drugs and afaik he's been clean all week but he's really stressed now and I'm worried it'll all set him back again.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 29/05/2020 23:23

Tell your family he is a drug addict, which is why you keep running out of money and have to borrow from them.

All your family who are divorced and know about abusive men? They are right: don't be with a druggie.

Maybe your critical dad actually sees the truth of how you live and is trying to wake you up to it.

At an absolute minimum, stop lying for him. It is outrageous that your family are unknowingly paying for his drug habit and that you are part of his web of lies.

TorkTorkBam · 29/05/2020 23:26

I bet they all realise he is a drunken druggie which is why they really don't invite him. I wouldn't if I were them. You are picking the loser by picking him.

TorkTorkBam · 29/05/2020 23:28

he's been clean all week but he's really stressed now and I'm worried it'll all set him back again.
Are you seriously suggesting that not being invited to a party is a reason for going on drugs? Are you thinking it is your family's fault rather than his when he can get more?

Is a week without drugs a huge deal?

Spillinteas · 29/05/2020 23:28

He should still go to NA because he will get so much support and understanding. Even if it’s just to say he’s been and he is serious about quitting. Even if it’s just a token gesture. If he can’t do that that he is not taking you seriously at all.

Honestly if he really means it he will go.

Separate the two issues.

You can’t fully support him with your family because you know he isn’t worth (at this point) supporting. I chose my DH over my dad years ago because I believed in my dh and was willing to stand by him. You can’t do that at the moment.

When he starts to get himself sorted and going to NA you will feel confident in telling your family to back off because your dh is changing and you will respect him for that.

At the moment you can’t tell them to back off because you need them - because of dp.

Spillinteas · 29/05/2020 23:32

Also there are live NA meetings on zoom that people can just log in to. He may find it very interesting and it will be supportive. They will all be the same. There is no shame. Just people taking about their experiences and supporting each other

He has to take you seriously

Spillinteas · 29/05/2020 23:34

Is a week without drugs a huge deal?

YES! One day is a big deal when your an addict. This man needs proper help although you can only guide him there he has to take the plunge.

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