Should I even bother

[DRose87]

Hi All,

Im just questioning the relationship I am in. I started seeing a guy in October/November last year. We kept it casual for a while and admit I was seeing another guy also. We made it official in January this year. Later in January I found out I had acquired HSV2. He didn’t care and said he wouldn’t be worried If he caught it either. A month later we were headed out for Dinner and he asks me message a friend on his for him while he was driving, I see a message to a girl. I question him and by the end of the argument I find out he has been messaging multiple girls. I forgive and say to not do it anymore. Fast forward a few weeks I start feeling unsure about us and message him to meet me, when I turn up he is already in defensive mode (he was on steroids’, yes, roid rage) he ends up screaming at me and telling me to get out of the house, I guess because he has sensed what Im about to say. He calls me a whore and a psycho and even says hurtful things about my friends. I leave. He asks to chat to me a few days later, promises to get off the roids and stop messaging girls.

We are going good until I discover again he is still messaging girls, I get upset and he promises to stop messaging. I cant handle it and after a great night with friends I end up dumping him, I couldn’t handle the drama of not knowing if he is going to do the right thing. A few days later he writes me a email asking if I really want the relationship over, he says he misses us and that the messaging is just a stupid habit after being single for so long (he is 41 and never had a decent relationship) and that he would never have actually have cheated on me. We end up getting back together. I trust he is doing the right thing and promise to keep trusting. He gets a new phone and has left it at my place, I think that itd be a good idea to check the old phone. I get on the phone and find out the entire time (January to april until he promised to stop) he had been on dating apps. I confront him and he admits he is just stupid and had been single for soo long he just wasn’t taking us seriously, I accept that he has been good since, going by the last messages sent on the dating apps. I still have the old phone and have been checking his google history and he has been good. We have another argument and break up because I couldn’t get over the dating app stuff (I know, I chose to forgive) I think to check what he does. Again he messages random girls asking if they would like to go diving with him. I don’t say anything.

We end up back together, I had chosen to forgive and didn’t do so well, he was actually being good so I thought maybe I was out of line with that argument. He has been good, even while he has been away for work. But I am still questioning if this relationship is even worth hanging onto though.

I should add, I am a single mum, he has pretty much been living at my place. He has massive communication issues (really shy) so I put that down to the reason why he messages girls. I don’t believe he is using me as he pays for a lot of things.

He's using you, move on

It doesn’t sound like a good relationship. To answer your question, no I wouldn’t bother.

:( Im so not good at this

You never should have forgiven him the first. Is this the life you want for the next 40years? He will never change.
Do the biggest favour you'll ever do yourself... walk away & block, move on.

Who wants to have to keep checking on someone like that to be able to have any peace of mind? Walk away. And everyone makes mistakes, don't beat yourself up about that.

He’s using you. Listen to your gut and don’t let him deplete your self esteem any further. You deserve better and so do your kids

No, he sounds bloody awful.

He does not have communication issues, he's choosing to scream and shout at you in your own home.

He messages other women because he wants to, it is a s simple as that.

You and your child/children deserve better than this.

@DRose87 it’s easy to look at someone else’s relationship and judge and say not to bother, less easy to leave when you’re involved with someone. I’ve had my fair share of relationships that have been crappy and you only realise how crappy once it’s over. Does he make you happy? Do you feel secure and contented? He needs to do a lot more than just paying his way. That’s a pretty low bar.

After that first paragraph, why the hell did you continue to see him?

He is on steroids and he called you a whore! Wtf. He is a lunatic.

You need to take sone time single to work on your boundaries and self esteem. Surely you know none if thos is acceptable from an acquaintance , let alone a partner.

I actually think you might have to call the police to remove him as he sounds a right nasty piece of work.

Someone like him shouldnt be around women let alone children.

right now I don't feel secure and content, ive never thought about something so obsessively, he is always around to help, he tries, I was happy until I found out about all of this stuff, tbh he doesn't try a great deal to get along with the kids but he is patient, I think maybe he just fills the spot once filled by ex husband.

I won't have bothered after catching herpes. His reaction suggests he passed it to you in the first place.

I won't have bother after find out he has messaging lots of girls - I'm presuming this wasn't just contact with female friends, but trying to flirt or hook up with strangers.

I won't have bother after the roid rage. Ffs!

I won't have bother after finding out he was still messaging girls.

Or when I found he was on dating sites.

Paying for loads of stuff does not balance out all that crap. Does this loads of stuff include contributing to your extra food and bills? Or just dates and treats?

And I'm not sure how you can equate communication issues and being shy as a reason to be messaging loads of girls? That's not logical!

You have very high tolerance for shit behaviour. He's crap!

Communication issues lol...yeh, sociopaths tend to struggle with communication right enough.

And 6 months is far too soon to have a bloke nearly living with you and dc. He's been 'good' (or hiding it better) since April, so a whole month.

So for 4 months he was trying to hook up with others and hasn't since lockdown - do you not think that's more to do with lack of opportunity rather than him being a reformed character?

I was only on your first paragraph when I wondered why the hell you were still with him.

"he is 41 and never had a decent relationship" - unsurprising since he is such a shit. Really, he is. Your self-esteem must be in a ditch somewhere to accept the shit he is constantly and consistently handing you.

And yes, a relationship of only six months standing and "he has pretty much been living at my place" - again, WTF?

Tell him to move out and end this dysfunctional relationship. No, it is not worth hanging on to, and that you are actually considering this says to me that you need to value yourself a lot more than you do. You are worth far more than the appalling treatment you are subjecting yourself to here, and your children do not deserve to watch their mother being ground down by this worthless piece of shit.

Jesus Christ, leave him already. Reading your relationship timeline is exhausting. You have kids. Focus on them, and save your energy for a grown up relationship

What on earth are you thinking? He sounds hideous. He’s a cheat, he has rages and has probably given you an STD. And you let this man live in the same house as your children? Get rid of him for goodness sake. Then spend some time working on your self-esteem before getting tied up with another man.

No you absolutely shouldn't bother.
He's bad, he's good, he's abusive, you forgive.....sounds like a nightmare.
Focus on your kids, he's gotta go.

So he probably gave you herpes and hes constantly after other women.

You really could do better. Why is your bar so low?

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Because he is abusive. You might not consider yourself to be abused OP, but you definitely need to work through why you are willing to tolerate his behaviour.

Agree, very abusive op.

I mean just someone calling you a whore is absolutely appallingly abusive. Most people know that that's it over immediately if someone speaks to you like that. I don't know what you've been used to to think that sort of thing is something that can just be brushed under the carpet.

Are you thinking about what's best for your child/children at all? How can you allow such a horrible person live in the same home as your kids?

Good god, no.

There is a reason (or seven) why he's never had a proper relationship.

(he is 41 and never had a decent relationship)
There are very good reasons for this as you have highlighted here.
This guy is a loser.
A liar, serial dater and no doubt a cheat.
He's made umpteen promises and broken them all.
And why wouldn't he? You keep taking him back. No matter how bad he is, you forgive and carry on regardless! You are actually enabling this behaviour.

Why is your bar soooooo low!???
You have DC. Are any girls?
What would you say if they relayed this as their standard for a relationship???
Stop listening to his utter bullshit!
Run OP.
THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

He has massive communication issues (really shy) so I put that down to the reason why he messages girls

How??

No, you shouldn't bother. You're wildly making excuses for him, and there is no excuse. His behaviour is unforgivable. There's about 10 things in your post worth leaving a person for, just by themselves.

Have you been abused in the past? You need a better picture of what a relationship would look like, and a clearer picture that you deserve much, much more than this kind of treatment.

Run. And have a look at your reasons for even considering that his behaviour is something you might accept.