Should I even bother

[DRose87]

Hi All,

Im just questioning the relationship I am in. I started seeing a guy in October/November last year. We kept it casual for a while and admit I was seeing another guy also. We made it official in January this year. Later in January I found out I had acquired HSV2. He didn’t care and said he wouldn’t be worried If he caught it either. A month later we were headed out for Dinner and he asks me message a friend on his for him while he was driving, I see a message to a girl. I question him and by the end of the argument I find out he has been messaging multiple girls. I forgive and say to not do it anymore. Fast forward a few weeks I start feeling unsure about us and message him to meet me, when I turn up he is already in defensive mode (he was on steroids’, yes, roid rage) he ends up screaming at me and telling me to get out of the house, I guess because he has sensed what Im about to say. He calls me a whore and a psycho and even says hurtful things about my friends. I leave. He asks to chat to me a few days later, promises to get off the roids and stop messaging girls.

We are going good until I discover again he is still messaging girls, I get upset and he promises to stop messaging. I cant handle it and after a great night with friends I end up dumping him, I couldn’t handle the drama of not knowing if he is going to do the right thing. A few days later he writes me a email asking if I really want the relationship over, he says he misses us and that the messaging is just a stupid habit after being single for so long (he is 41 and never had a decent relationship) and that he would never have actually have cheated on me. We end up getting back together. I trust he is doing the right thing and promise to keep trusting. He gets a new phone and has left it at my place, I think that itd be a good idea to check the old phone. I get on the phone and find out the entire time (January to april until he promised to stop) he had been on dating apps. I confront him and he admits he is just stupid and had been single for soo long he just wasn’t taking us seriously, I accept that he has been good since, going by the last messages sent on the dating apps. I still have the old phone and have been checking his google history and he has been good. We have another argument and break up because I couldn’t get over the dating app stuff (I know, I chose to forgive) I think to check what he does. Again he messages random girls asking if they would like to go diving with him. I don’t say anything.

We end up back together, I had chosen to forgive and didn’t do so well, he was actually being good so I thought maybe I was out of line with that argument. He has been good, even while he has been away for work. But I am still questioning if this relationship is even worth hanging onto though.

I should add, I am a single mum, he has pretty much been living at my place. He has massive communication issues (really shy) so I put that down to the reason why he messages girls. I don’t believe he is using me as he pays for a lot of things.

Ffs. Another woman who has effectively moved a man she hardly knows in with her children. What is wrong with you? Why aren’t you prioritising your children over this man?

Relationships shouldn't be so hard at this stage.

You need to dump and free yourself of the headspace. It's really sad that you have to check if he's been "good". As someone who was cheated on, how do you know that he doesn't have another phone, another sim or second accounts?

yes, my ex cheated. my dad was an abusive alcoholic. this is the first time I had been single since I was 17 (I was with the same man for 14 years beforehand)

thank you, this honestly had never occurred to me

How old are you? You seem to accept everything he says though he's clearly lying. He's 41 and on steroids, could be well into addiction and unlikely to stop. He's not bothered about catching herpes because he likely has it and gave it to you. The times he's playing good, how do you know he's being good? Hiding it better maybe? There is also a lot of leaving his phone at yours so you conveniently can find all this out with ease.
I think he wants you to know what he's up to, likes taunting you with it, loves the power trip and will continue to make your life hell for as long as you stay with him. It's not just you, however, he doesn't even try with your kids - get some big girl pants on and boot his ass out FOR GOOD. Just stop believing any promises after, don't get reeled in again, just block him out of your life, you need to do it!

Oh dear OP.... do you really need to ask ?

Should I bother?

This is a Question To Which The Answer Is No.

There are billions of men in this world and most of them (hopefully!) aren't chatting up other girls while in a relationship, and sometimes aggressive and on steroids.

And I agree with PP's- he probably wasn't bothered about the STD as he knows he gave it to you.

OP, I feel for you. Your Dad has raised you with the mindset of needing to overlook abuse in order to maintain some semblance of love and normality in your life.

You don't need to overlook anything. If he (or anybody) does stuff that makes you feel crap, then you a) say so, and make sure the person cares that they're hurting you rather than dismissing it, and if you've passed 'a)' without satisfaction, b) you leave.

You are at about w) with this man. Save yourself. Get out. And start reading about abusive relationships, so that you can start learning how not to get a similar situation again.

He's using steroids. He's shown you his temper, the common "roid rage". Next he'll be beating you & your children, who he has no patience with anyway.
He hasn't a single redeeming feature & you'll not change him in any way. If you & your children aren't to become yet another statistic in the horrendous number of women & their dc murdered by violent "partners" you need to get rid of him now, not tomorrow, now.
You deserve soo much better than this.

You have a child and you’ve moved a man you met in November??
The first time he had ‘roid rage’ and called you a whore should have been the end.
Are you aware of the volume of domestic assaults/murders are linked to steroid abuse?
Get this waste of space out your house and life. Today!

You can do so much better.

Dump him, there's a lot better out there.

Of course you shouldn't even bother - he's awful. On a scale of awfulness, he's fallen off the end.

Given your history, you would probably benefit from doing the Freedom Programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ and working on your boundaries to understand why someone like this has got his hooks into you and why it's even a question.

Don't drag your kid(s) into this insanity. Just read steroid use and that was enough. You've been together 6 months at most and it all sounds mental. Hills. Run

41, takes and gets angry on steroids, messing around on dating apps... this is a no brainer, surely.

I am in Australia, does this matter If I do this program?

There's an online version.

It's online to you should be able to do it in Australia.
I hope it does help you OP.
You deserve far far better than this.

OP have more respect for yourself. Honestly this man is disgusting. Yes the cheating is awful and a concern but my biggest concern is the steroids and roid rage. You say it in such a throw away comment. He is unpredictable. Say he gets into a rage and hits you and can't stop. Then what? Your kids have no mother. Trust me it happens. I know of people it's happened to.
You need to remove him from your life. Only then will it be calmed and you no longer will feel crazy and on edge. Think about your children and yourself.

He’s shy so he’s messaging girls? You can’t believe that, surely?

Are you going to be able to get him out safely op? Might be wise to break up over the phone. Or have some friends present if you have to do it in person. Dont let him back in the house for his stuff. Have someone else take it round to him. If he threatens you at all, call the police. This is exactly what they are paid for.

he has since stopped taking steriods but yes the cheating (which it essentially is) bothers me. I think the way Im explaining everything is very casual because Im exhausted. I think Im stuck. Ive spoken to my sister, who knows him a little. she has said that I also need to be accountable for my actions. I do tend to bring things up even after saying I will forgive which does cause drama. I haven't been completely innocent, I was texting other guys at the start but never intended on pursuing anything. but where I am at now, is that I don't know If I can trust him, but I do still want him in my life. I think we are both a bit burnt from past relationships, he was always used and would buy the girls love. Me, after being married for 10 years had my husband come out as gay and claim bankruptcy to run away, he also cheated with men. my life has been a huge whirlwind and he has never judged me for any of it. we met on tinder and at the time I didn't really want a relationship but it kinda just happened. I babbling on a bit but I feel this stuff is relavent,

You've only been seeing him 7 months and there's all this crap - infidelity, steroid abuse, rages etc, etc.

Your bar is really low here. You can expect more in relationships than drama and anger and unfaithfulness.

I think you ought to try being single and doing therapy, doing the Freedom Programme, unpacking your past and the "whirlwind", and building yourself some decent boundaries for future relationships.

He’s messaging other girls because it’s a habit? Wtf?! He doesn’t love you, he sounds like a right wanker. Called you a whore yet is living in your child’s house?! What are you on, OP?

OP, you need to ditch this ghastly chap and spend at least six months on your own, getting counselling, doing the Freedom program, untangling all the emotional damage and low self esteem that cause you to settle for such terrible partners.
Don’t even think of starting dating again until you are safely sorted out emotionally and mentally, so you can recognise abuse and make better choices of partner. Otherwise you will just accept the next shit who senses your vulnerability and homes in on you. Please believe you deserve better.