What's happening

[meganelizabeth]

Hi everyone . I hope your all well
And still sane durning this lockdown ha ha . I'm after advice please . Me and my partner have been in a relationship for 10 years . Engaged for 5. No children. Have been trying . A few misscarriages . And we're just about to buy our own house before lockdown . He has always had trouble with his mental health and the way he deals with it . I think it has stemmed from childhood and his teenage years . He has a medical condition which he would have to stay in hospital with growing up and would have obvious physical symptoms that something wasn't right . I think he was probably bullied a lot and that's why he has no friends apart from the people he has met in work . He admits he never done much growing up always in his room playing on the computer . He has never liked doing anything apart from staying in . Me on the other hand loves walking and exploring . He has been awfully emotionally abusive and on occasions physically. I never had anxiety before I met him but I have walked on egg shells for so long I think it made me come close to a breakdown . But when things are good they are good . Also from an awful past relationship I think I am very needy and just don't want to be on my own . But I did love him so much so never wanted him gone . Nothing ever makes him happy apart from drinking and playing computer games . His family don't speak to him anymore either . Been two years . Their fault not his for once ha ha . That made him worse for a few months . Up until last month I would of done anything for him . He's got it so easy with me . Every thing is done . He doesn't have to lift a finger ever . Just home shower and play games ! I clean cook , wash iron lay clothes out food for work put rubbish out you name it I do it . I'm only ever nice to him and rarely ever dissagree with him because it will
Put him in a mood where he won't speak to me for days . I always used to think it was my fault he was like it . I got so depressed. But now I know it's not . These last few weeks have been awful . And I know loads are struggling with lockdown but it's been no different for us we are both still
Working . He has been awful . Horrible . I feel like I don't know him anymore . He keeps saying I don't make him happy . That's it's shit here with me . Every day I have had this . Then he will ignore me when I get up set telling me to shut the fuck up . Excuse my language. He's been breaking stuff in temper too . Sometimes
He breaks down and says he's going to get help but never does . The other night I told him I'm
Going back on the pill because no way do I want a child brought up in this . I said i want to be a good mother not a shit one and I can't even cope with myself when we are like this . So I am not trying anymore and am back on the pill which he took badly . Said he was leaving. But he came
Home after work . And started all over again . He then said can we give it one more go . Us not a baby . I said yes . But this time I feel so different and it's upsetting me . All the other times I would be bawling and feel
So happy and relieved. But now I feel nothing and kind of gutted that he's still here . I don't even know if I love him anymore . All I want to be is happy and with a person who loves me for
Me and gets excited about things . I can't see it getting better because he can't keep being nice for longer than a day and in a way I don't want it too x

I think you know that this relationship needs to end.
Can you move back to parents or to a friends temporarily while you make more plans for life without him?

It sounds like the relationship is over.

Sounds dreadful. So sorry you are experiencing this but none of that is healthy.

He's abusive to you
Please don't waste any more of your life with him

Life is too short to be spending it with someone like this. I think you know it’s over yourself.

Sounds quite similar to how I was with my abusive ex towards the end. I fell out of love and just wanted him gone. I left, and I've never looked back! I didn't even cry I was just relieved! Please leave, you can do better.

Please don’t have a baby with this man.
In the nicest way possible no it doesn’t get better.
Women’s Aid gave me a lot of support to help me see it was not my fault and I left with nothing (and a child!). I cannot explain that feeling of freedom.
You deserve so much better and more importantly to be happy

I'm sorry but this relationship is dead. You deserve to be happy. Have you go anywhere you can go to start the process of leaving?

You don't love him any more OP. Which isn't surprising - it sounds like his recent behaviour has been the last straw that broke the camel's back and you're now seeing him clearly for who he is. Can you make plans to leave?

I'm going to be honest, it sounds like he's using you because he knows he has no one else and his behaviour is very childish
You want to be in a relationship with someone that makes you feel happy not sad.
He disrespects you by telling you to stfu etc this relationship is toxic and maybe the lockdown has helped bring out his true colours and it might be best to get out now you can tell you are not happy.

Sounds like a cycle of abuse.

1. Excuses - "I explain away the problem
2. Honeymoon - "things seem to be great
3. Routine - "we return to the routine
4. Tension - "tension is building
5. Trigger - "something sets of the abuse
6. Abuse and starts over

Read the downloadable book

Too bad to stay too good to leave

Do not get pregnant

Hes abusive. You should leave. Do you feel able to leave? What's stopping you?

It sounds like you're coming to the realisation yourself that he is abusive. You have made one smart step by making an independent decision to go back on the pill; hopefully you'll be ready to make the next step and leave. If you've been together 10 years you know it's not going to get better - it only gets worse! I hope you can look back at all you have written and realise that he is a truly awful person with no respect for you and this helps you realise you deserve soooo much more and leave.
You both work but he does not have to lift a finger and what makes him happy is drinking and gaming? You only have one life - why live it in a situation like this and also have to walk on egg shells?
It sounds like the freedom programme or some reading around healthy relationships might be helpful. I wonder what the relationships were like that you saw when growing up?
The more time you are with him, the more time you are wasting of this wonderful thing called life!! Good luck op

This is very sad to read OP.
This man is abusive in almost every way possible.
The only acceptable amount of abuse in ANY relationship, is NONE!!
Please have a look on line - Womens Aid run a Freedom Programme / Project course you can do on-line.
Do it as a matter of urgency.
Also read the Lundy Bancroft book - Why does he do that?
What a horrible way to live.
Reach out to Womens Aid and ask about specialist counsellors in your area.
You need to understand why you think this is all you deserve.
You deserve happiness. Everyone does.
Stop 'settling' for this awful life.
Break free. Be free. Live a good happy life.
If there is any way for you to get out now and stay with family or friends, then do it!!!
Today!
Don't waste another second on this abusive prick.
Also google 'sunk cost fallacy'

Wow I really didn't expect any replies let alone all these . Thankyou all very much for your advice and kind words . This freedom programme is what I need . When I look back at how pathetic I have been it does make me cringe now . I think he used to like the control he had over me . Il give you a few examples . We could go out for a few drinks and a nice meal . After I'd say two drinks that's when he starts to change . He's not like it much these days but he would get really aggressive . In front of people too . I had a random man come on to me a few years ago and say what the hell are you doing with him . He started calling me a slag . And saying a load of horrible things . Then was ending it constantly then when I would look upset he would tell me I'm embarrassing him and stop it because people are looking at me . That night after an hour of abuse he started crying and was apologising . Me just wanted a nice night still 😴 was so happy he was going to stop being horrible went along with it and we went to another place . I was at the bar getting us both a drink and there was bit of a wait . When I turned around he was up out of his seat and staring at me really nasty . I brought over our drinks and he has accused me of flirting with a man . There was no one next to me . He then had his drink and hit himself in his face with it . Blood everywhere . Now on my head I was like people are going to think I done it so I ran to the toilets and locked myself in . He had followed me in and was banging on the door . I heard the bouncers come and throw him out . I was too scared to go home so had befriended this women and we had stayed there for an extra hour . I'm still in work so have to go back now but will continue my essay ha ha . He has changed so much but I know he could easily go back to the way he was . I feel sorry for him and really want him to get help because he could have a good life with me . I'm pretty easy to live with and I would do anything for people I love . I know I have to end it but the only reason I think I'm staying is because I really am scared of losing everything and having to go back to live with my mother . My mother has one hell of a temper is is so unpredictable . My childhood was awful . Different men , her and then getting drunk all the time and fighting . I nearly got taken in to care at one point . X

Don't go from one abuser to another. Can you get a room in a shared house? Can you move to a cheaper area in the short term? He is incapable of having a good life with anyone because he is abusive. Please stay safe.

Lets think practically OP. Staying with him isn't an option, it sounds like going to your mum isn't an option either.
Do you own the house you are in or rent? Is there anyone you can stay with practically for a few weeks?

Hi OP - yes, you need to get out of this relationship. He sounds appalling and extremely abusive. Please do NOT berate yourself for having stayed. Abuse usually comes on gradually, and the victim believes they are in a safe, secure relationship and doesn't notice it at first (boiled frog syndrome). In addition, an abusive partner undermines their OH's boundaries, thinking and instincts constantly which causes the victim to be unable to think straight and be overwhelmed by FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). There are no excuses for this behaviour. It's a shame he had a difficult childhood but that is not your problem to fix and he could have made a much happier future for himself if he had treated you decently. You also had a very difficult time and you don’t use that as an excuse to abuse him.

His behaviour has finally killed your love for him so it will be easier for you to move on. That's great. Plan your exit. Since he has been abusive, it is safer for you to leave without discussion as he may try to harm you or worse if he knows you're leaving. The Women's Aid website has heaps of useful information about escaping an abusive relationship: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/. Speak to Women's Aid. It's great that you are taking steps to avoid getting pregnant by this man. I'm very sorry for your miscarriages but hopefully in due course you can build a life and family with someone who cherishes you and treats you will. I suspect you will need counselling to recover from having been in an emotionally abusive relationship for so long. There's no shame in that either - unfortunately, societal beliefs have encouraged people, especially women, to put up with a lot of sh1t in relationships. Fortunately, we now live in an age where people can leave abusive relationships and build themselves a contented future away from their abuser.

Do you have a person/people you can turn to for support IRL? (Other than your M?). That would almost certainly help. Especially if you could move in with them temporarily. That is permitted despite lockdown - people are allowed to leave home and move elsewhere to escape abuse.

Take it a step at a time, OP. Good luck. You are under no obligation to update us posters but do keep posting here for support if that helps.

Oh crikey, leave him and get a pet
You're an adult, you can cope fine on your own. Relationships are meant to be POSITIVE things.

I'm back 😊 well I really do think that I was so hurt by my ex and all the things that he done and put me through that I basically just got with the 1st person who cake along . Also for some reason at the start when he wasn't very nice I was convinced that it was just what I deserved . When I think about me leaving him or him leaving me I'm not as scared as I used to be I used to be petrified . I probably will be sad and struggle for a while but I know il be so much happier . He just came home and has already lost it within 5 mins. I was cooking he came in to the kitchen so I was talking all happy went to give him a cuddle and he kind of pushed me away and said your too cold . Then just sat at the table . I could tell he's not in the best of moods as soon as he walked in so I asked him if everything is ok and he lost it . So i have just sat down now in the living room and he's in the shower . Luckily he is working away tomorrow so at least il get some peace . I have just started looking at that freedom programme on line xxx

OP it sounds like you have been brought up only witnessing emotional abuse and/or neglect, therefore your boundaries in relationships are skewed.

This really is a toxic, abusive relationship. You pleasing and pandering to him just makes it worse. Time to nurture yourself for a while and work out why you feel this awful abuse is all you deserve. It sounds like you were neglected by your mother growing up so have no positive reference that reflects on your adult relations.

What's the housing situation? He needs to go asap. Or is there anywhere you can go? Honestly, I would rather sleep in the park than put up with this.

Have a read up on co-dependancy. Sign up for the Freedom programme. Reach out for as much support as you can. This is absolutely no way to live. It will never get better.

Oh and he will certainly grovel, cry, plead and beg when you leave him, promising the earth. Don't fall for it, it's a common tactic to lure you back, play on your caring nature. Keep reaching out on here for support hon you can do it. x

@meganelizabeth
"I'm only ever nice to him and rarely ever disagree with him because it will put him in a mood where he won't speak to me for days"
Are you frightened of him? He sounds impossible to live with, his family won't speak to him and he has treated you with contempt.
If you are frightened, please seek help from Women's Aid so you can leave as soon as possible, or start planning and saving to leave.

He may have many problems to do with his mental health, childhood, illness, whatever else. You didn't cause them. None of it is your fault.

1 - having all those problems in his past does not give him any excuse to be a despicable bastard and abuse you.

2 - It is NOT your job to fix him, he's a nutcase who would keep professionals busy for years.

3 - you do not have to stay in this dreadful relationship and martyr yourself in the process. You owe him nothing.

Please, do everything you can to get away from him.

“I probably will be sad and struggle for a while but I know il be so much happier .“”

Exactly, OP. This man has been in your life for a decade and you’ve been giving him the benefit of the doubt for much of that time. Extracting yourself will take some organising and is bound to bring up a range of feelings but you will feel infinitely better once this is behind you.

Good luck! Onwards and upwards!

I think you need to try being alone. It may scare you at first, but I bet you almost anything that you will come to love having your own space and being able to think your own thoughts and do your own thing without having to always second guess how someone else is about to behave towards you.

Maybe, as someone said above, try having your own room in a shared house (that way you aren't 'living alone' but you have your own space). Eventually you may be able to work up to having your own flat or house. Just think of being able to wake up in the morning, decide what you are going to do and then do it and enjoy it!

Living alone can sound daunting, but the reality is often brilliant. You could always get a cat...