What's happening

[meganelizabeth]

Hi everyone . I hope your all well
And still sane durning this lockdown ha ha . I'm after advice please . Me and my partner have been in a relationship for 10 years . Engaged for 5. No children. Have been trying . A few misscarriages . And we're just about to buy our own house before lockdown . He has always had trouble with his mental health and the way he deals with it . I think it has stemmed from childhood and his teenage years . He has a medical condition which he would have to stay in hospital with growing up and would have obvious physical symptoms that something wasn't right . I think he was probably bullied a lot and that's why he has no friends apart from the people he has met in work . He admits he never done much growing up always in his room playing on the computer . He has never liked doing anything apart from staying in . Me on the other hand loves walking and exploring . He has been awfully emotionally abusive and on occasions physically. I never had anxiety before I met him but I have walked on egg shells for so long I think it made me come close to a breakdown . But when things are good they are good . Also from an awful past relationship I think I am very needy and just don't want to be on my own . But I did love him so much so never wanted him gone . Nothing ever makes him happy apart from drinking and playing computer games . His family don't speak to him anymore either . Been two years . Their fault not his for once ha ha . That made him worse for a few months . Up until last month I would of done anything for him . He's got it so easy with me . Every thing is done . He doesn't have to lift a finger ever . Just home shower and play games ! I clean cook , wash iron lay clothes out food for work put rubbish out you name it I do it . I'm only ever nice to him and rarely ever dissagree with him because it will
Put him in a mood where he won't speak to me for days . I always used to think it was my fault he was like it . I got so depressed. But now I know it's not . These last few weeks have been awful . And I know loads are struggling with lockdown but it's been no different for us we are both still
Working . He has been awful . Horrible . I feel like I don't know him anymore . He keeps saying I don't make him happy . That's it's shit here with me . Every day I have had this . Then he will ignore me when I get up set telling me to shut the fuck up . Excuse my language. He's been breaking stuff in temper too . Sometimes
He breaks down and says he's going to get help but never does . The other night I told him I'm
Going back on the pill because no way do I want a child brought up in this . I said i want to be a good mother not a shit one and I can't even cope with myself when we are like this . So I am not trying anymore and am back on the pill which he took badly . Said he was leaving. But he came
Home after work . And started all over again . He then said can we give it one more go . Us not a baby . I said yes . But this time I feel so different and it's upsetting me . All the other times I would be bawling and feel
So happy and relieved. But now I feel nothing and kind of gutted that he's still here . I don't even know if I love him anymore . All I want to be is happy and with a person who loves me for
Me and gets excited about things . I can't see it getting better because he can't keep being nice for longer than a day and in a way I don't want it too x

He's awful OP- abusive in every way. You don't have to go back to your mum's- you're earning, PP's have said all this I see, but you could get a flat- save for a deposit to rent (wouldn't take all that long) or move into a room in a shared house while you save. The lockdown rules are being relaxed and also some landlords will never have stopped looking for new tenants.

At most you need only stay at your mum's for a very short time until you find a place.

Hi everyone Thankyou all for your new replies I have read everyone of them . I really do
Appreciate everyone's advice. With this freedom programme do they run courses ? I have just been looking on line and all I can find is books . And online courses . I would prefere them face to face if possible . Before my partner I was with my ex for ten years met him very young at 14. We have a daughter together who is 15 now . I could afford to stay in the house on my own . I do live a comfortable life with my partner because he's in a well payed job . But I would prefere to be skint and happy than comfortable and anxious all the time. I was just thinking to myself I can't actually believe I'm on the verge of ending it I always thought it would be him . He's coming home early from working away . He only left yesterday and has just left to come home now . God knows why I didn't ask . When ever he worked away before and I'm so embarrassed to admit this but I would be lost . I'd be begging him not to go . And practically living for his texts ! This time I have loved him gone and I don't want him
Home . My stomach is turning already . I think he knows I'm different I was only answering his tests yesterday with just what he was asking me . I then woke up to a message this morning what he has sent late last night that he loves me
Loads. I know he does but this time
I just don't think love is enough . When he worked away before I think
He used to enjoy me moping about counting down the days till he was home. He would go out every night with the people he was away with get hammered and not Anwser my calls . I really do hate feeling like this because not so long ago I would of done anything to of made us last . He also text yesterday anout how gutted he is to be working on a lovely day . I replied your
Always in work anyways , he then said yes because we are saving for a house , I replied with two laughing faces to
Make a joke
Of it but said no you work all
The time because you can't stand being around me for too long . He then said it's not you at all I can't hack myself and I promise I'm
Going to sort it out soon . Right now I would say I am
Falling out of love with him x

I really do just want to get mentally strong again . I need to do some courses and relalise that I will be ok on my own . It's mad because all
I have ever wanted is to find a man who is just nice and that's all . But now I 100 percent would never in a million years want another relationship again . Years ago he would randomly out of the blue decide to tell
Me that I don't do it for him
Anymore . And that he didn't fancy me . This was just as we were about to go to
Sleep . Then when I would get upset and start crying saying il change he would get mad because I was upset . He wouldn't talk to me then because he would say he's got work in the morning . Then a few days later he would say he didn't mean it. X

Hi anyone on here able to talk right now I have left him just ended it an hour need to talk it through before I give in

That's great news. You will be feeling awful now, but I promise you won't have any regrets. You deserve some happiness.

I'm sure there will be others along in a minute with lots of good advice.

He is an abusive shit, and things can only get better now you have left him. Stay strong!

Well done op. Remember, this man is not your only option. You have a great opportunity here to live the life you deserve.

The worst is over. You've said your piece.

Now you just have to guard against him doing the 'I can change, it will all be wonderful, don't throw away everything we've got, I promise it will be different this time...' and all that.

He may mean it when he says it. But it won't work because of who he is underneath. You are not right together and there are other, better, people out there who will take you out dancing and won't make you feel shit because they want to sit and game all night.

Well done! That was very brave! I can tell you’re terrified of him! I hope you get him out of the house and feel safe and happy. I think you need to be by yourself for a while so that you know that you can. You need to focus on strengthening friendships (that I suspect he has squashed) and find things that make you happy. Maybe see your GP for some counselling. You did a really good thing tonight!

Hi OP - sounds like change is much needed. Neither of you are happy....

Don’t waste another day of your life trying to fix things with this man, it isn’t you it’s him.

You don't love him any more based on your reaction and just as well because the man sounds like an utter nobber.
Move on love, life's too short for this shit.
Somewhere out there will be a man who appreciates your company and doesn't see you as an intruder on his childish life.

Well done op, just read this whole thread with an open mouth, what a lot of shit you’ve had to put up with. You’re going to be so so much happier without this abusive arsehole in your life.

How has he taken it?

OMG OP.. this is great for you.. you can breath be happy and live safely and without abuse

Hi everyone I'm sorry I haven't come back on here these last two days but it's been a hectic few days . After I ended it I didn't expect him to come home at all because of all the things he have said to me in the past and it being so easy for him to just end it with me and walk out . I go home and he's in the shower ! He actually came home early . When he got out I said what are you doing here . He said what you didn't really end it tho did you and I said yes that's also why I blocked you too because I thought that was it and I didn't want to hear off you . He then loses it and says well I will fucking go now then ! So he goes up stairs and packs a few things and leaves . Ten mins later he's back wanting to give it one more go . As hard as it was I said that it wasn't going to work . He didn't leave and then started crying saying he thinks he's having a breakdown and it's not just me he's taking it out on it's everyone in work too . I said to him he will have to see the doctor once and for all . Apparently he's going to phone them this morning. I feel so sad that he's back and basically worn out . I lied to work today why I couldn't go in . I never do that . I just can't focus . I know he's not himself and yesterday he was acting so strange. He never sends a selfie actaully begrudges people who send them . Had a photo on what's app it was him ! A selfie ! I replied ha ha was that ment for me ? He says who else weirdo lol . He sent two more
Texts after that but I was too busy in work to check but an hour later when I did he had deleted the the two messages that I hadn't read . I phoned him twice and he just kept putting the phone down . He was already home when I got in and was just sitting on the sofa still in his work clothes . I said what was all that about earlier and he starting crying again and said he's sorry . He didn't know what come over him he said he was in a really good mood until 12 and then his mood took an instant turn for the worse ! He said he didn't even have a clue why he sent the photo of deleted what he said to me . I mentioned to him that I think not talking to half his family might be affecting him
More than he thinks . He said it's not at all and he said he had been speaking to his sister all day. On what's app . Started telling me loads of stuff that was going on with his brother who he don't speak to no more saying that he's back living with his mother now as him and his girlfriend ain't getting on due to lock down . They ain't used to spending any time together . I haven't got his sisters number no more and wanted
To speak to her to see if she has been through this with him when they were all
Living at home. They have said a few things what he was like . His younger sister said when anything special would come about such as birthdays Christmas, he would always ruin them . His mother told me to leave him loads
Of time's . Randomly. I never told her what he was
Like . Said that she's glad he's gone and would never have him back . She said he made her severely anxious and it was like walking in egg shells around him not knowing what mood he was in when he would get home ect . Also I had only been going out with him for 5 months and I went to his family's house to a New Year's Eve party. Two hours in and he was in one hell
Of a mess and started punching holes in doors upstairs . His mam and her boyfriend went up and then called me upstairs . His stepdad then asked me if he had ever hit me ? 😟. Got. Little off track then sorry . So I go in his phone to get her number and it's not in there , I go to what's app and the last conversation they had was two weeks ago no phone calls messages nothing so why had he said he had been talking to her all day ? Any one know or do you think he's completely losing it ?

I forgot to say last night after all was said about this selfie he was in a great mood . I started cooking and he was on the laptop said I need all your details . So I ask
What did he says he's putting an offer in for the house I like ! Now this is how unpredictable he is and manic from literally hours ago saying he would never get a house with me because I won't have a baby with him to this. So to keep the peace I say il sort it when I stop cooking . He then finds my pay slip and starts laughing ssinf is this all you earn in a year . I don't earn a lot . Well I would say just average what everyone else does but I work 14-16 hour days just to be able to afford nice things and I literally am dead half the time I before all this lockdown I would start would as early as 2 am and not come home until 5 pm . He also takes the piss out of my weekend work . Not many hours and crap pay he said he wouldn't even get out of bed for that . I got pretty upset yesterday when he said that and tried my best not to cry . He could tell he upset me and said sorry and he did actaully seem
It . I said it's all
The time that he takes the piss out of me money wise and it knocks my self esteem even more . I had a really food job a few years back but I had to leave and didn't work for a whole year because of anxiety . I didn't leave the house for a month. All of a sudden the thought of interviews would cripple me I walked out of so many crying . So now I basically got two jobs ones minimum wage and one 12.50 am hour and that's the one that I work my ass off in . He made me feel so crap last night that I was ready to just pack them in . I think I have mentioned in another comment that I would prefere to be with somone who didn't have money than be with him who's loaded and unhappy . So because I didn't cheer up as soon as he apologised he got angry slammed the computer down and sat on the sofa I just walk out and make food bring it in he eats it and we don't talk for a good hour . I never ask him to do anything in the house . But I was so annoyed yesterday . I start doing the dishes and think why am I doing them when he's in there sulking so I go in and say can you help me with the dishes please. It tips him
Over the edge he comes out throwing dishes in the sink and dishwasher . So I go just go in there and il do them but he doesn't. He does one dish then storms off so I ask him why has he left the oven tray he says I don't know in a nasty voice . So I say man up for once in your life and help me around the house . He replies women up and do it hour self ! I go out do it . Comes back in the living room he's got football on so I say ThTs all I ever do is everything around the house . I take it you don't want me here so I'm
Going . I grab my car keys and leave. I stayed with my mother . I have never been down there so many times as I have lately and I don't want her to know how bad things are because she is pretty head shot lol .

I'm pretty sure he isn't losing it - he is manipulating you to get what he wants. Read up on borderline personality disorder (now named emotionally unstable personality disorder) and narcissistic personality disorder. It sounds like he has real difficulties managing his emotions and always has so what would change if you stayed together? Hint - nothing!

It sounds like he's been a horrible person since childhood and everyone has always walked on egg shells around him. They always will. Of course there will be the honeymoon period after the abuse/arguments when you get back together but this won't last - read the cycle of abuse. You could contact women's charities local to you regarding face to face freedom programmes but hopefully someone else will be able to offer more info on accessing these.

What's the outcome? Are you staying strong and leaving him out or have you let him back in? I hope you're staying strong. He just sounds like an absolute dick that enjoys the power of playing with your emotions. It'll be hard at first but then you won't look back and will be glad you left!! How is your daughter dealing with it all? Did you say she was 15?

Cross post. Where was your daughter with all this?

I think you know you need to leave. Make a clean break and make a life for yourself. Stop taking him back - he is a horrible man and can't maintain being nice for even a day never mind a week!!

You can make a life for yourself. Your anxiety will reduce after a little while whiteout him and you begin to relax. Make a plan if you want a job with less hours. Make small goals and strive to reach them. You will be happy 😃

He’s completely lying to you and clutching at straws to try to stop you telling him to leave.

Honestly this is no way to live and you know what? You don’t have to fix his mental health or the way he behaves. This is his issue not yours. You don’t need to shoulder this.

He is abusing you. You know this. That is something you have proof of and all this ‘talking to his sister’ means nothing.

I’d put money on it that selfie was for some one else.

The worst thing you could do would bring a child in to the mix because then you are properly connected to this man for the rest of your life - so why would you stay? Also having a baby causes stress - when he gets stressed he punches doors and gets aggressive. So are you going to stay and stay childless forever?

His issues are not yours.

I missed the bit you had a daughter. What are you doing here? He should have been long gone. If she is there she will be seeing that it’s ok for a man to treat you like this. Is this what you want for her?

Hi everyone he has just phoned me and has spoke to a doctor and they said it's bi polar which they have now sent a referral off to the mental health team for him . My daughter doesn't hear or see anything he's very good at acting all
Happy and normal when she actually leaves her room lol . One good thing about her is I think she follows my mother . She's so much stronger than me and I always act so tough around her . I'd never ever let any of her future boyfriends walk all over her and I know for a fact I wouldn't have to she would sort it herself . I am still feeling not like I expected . I thought once he has a diagnosis I would feel more positive and know it's
Not his fault but I still feel the same anxious and down about everything . My mother told me to secretly start saving so at least I will be ok for a few months until I sort stuff out . I want more than anything for him to just get better and be nice to me that's all . But what if nothing works for him and in actual fact there is nothing wrong with him he's just a grumpy twat x

Has he got proof that he has been diagnosed as bi polar? That was a quick diagnosis. This will probably give him the excuse he needs to act like a twat.

OP please read through your posts. This man is a bully.

With one phone call to the doctor he has bi-polar?
Really?
Don't believe that for a second.
Unless it's previously diagnosed and he's now telling you.

Honestly OP.... what is the point of him?
He brings nothing positive to your life.
Why are you so desperate for this to work?
It's never going to.
He will always view you as a 'woman who should do all the wife work'
Stop allowing this utter twat to walk all over you.
Set a good example for your DD not this pile of shit.

Tell your DM.
Make this real.

Make this OVER!!!!

He's lying.

He's telling you what he thinks you want to hear - that he's got a medically approved MH problem that he will probably claim can be 'cured' if he gets the right drugs.

You need him out. You need him to know he can never come back to you. You need to change the locks to make this a reality. This man is dangerous, even his own family know that.

I'll take bets that he's no more bi-polar than my dog. Any doctor that can diagnose bi polar disorder on the strenth of one short phone call wants striking off. I wonder if he spoke to a doctor at all. Or, if he did, that he suggested bi polar disorder to the doctor, the doctor agreed that it could, possibly be and has suggested further investigation.

He's not bi polar, he's a twat.

He's not bi polar, he's a twat
^^^ THIS WILL BELLS ON!!!!

I don't think for a single second that he had a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. My XH (note the X) did exactly the same, except he claimed he had cancer. Please, even if he does have a mental health issue, remember it's his to deal with, not yours. He a nasty abusive manipulative piece of work and you will not be happy rof you stay with him. But then you know that.

It's very hard when you've been conditioned to accept abusive behaviour, but he is an abuser and this is no life for you or your poor daughter. There's a lovely new life waiting for you.