Lonely with lockdown easing

[youareanobody]

I'm in Scotland and from tomorrow our lockdown will begin to ease, in a similar way to in England.

Anyone who has been through this, or has the easing of lockdown rules just feeling very lonely?

I had a similar feeling loom over me with each time lockdown was extended but that was because I felt that nobody really cared enough to check in on me (via message or call). I would send messages to friends and sometimes I wouldn't get a reply for days.

Now with the easing of lockdown I just can't help this feeling hanging over me of, "who will want to meet me for a socially distanced walk"?

I am married but our relationship has been awful for the last 6 months. I was so close to leaving in February but stupidly decided to give it another go, then lockdown happened. We don't talk at all.

I also have a 16yo DD (not with DH) and she is ecstatic to meet with her best friend from tomorrow.

I don't know why I'm posting really I'm just feeling very down and alone. I went for a local walk earlier and could feel the excitement from people in their gardens about lockdown being lifted / eased. But it just made me feel awful

I have been on MN for years but decided to NC.

I can so relate to this too, I’m in Scotland too and even though lockdown is easing nothing will really change for us. Hardly see family as it is, we have very little and they are about an hour away and not very interested at all. It got to the point just before Christmas that I got fed up with all the excuses why we could visit and drop off Christmas presents for 20 minutes (we haven’t been “allowed in SILs house for over 3 years now)

We just don’t have friends round or get invited to anyone’s I don’t know why really? Apart from not going out to shops and for dinner life in lockdown didn’t change for us.

DH and I have also been quite hostile and I’ve been feeling really down recently all in all not a great time.

Hi @sweetkitty its very difficult right now isnt it. I can imagine its tough for you i can certainly understand with the family situation and friends. Do you think you might look to make new friends or try a new hobby moving forward!

Didn't mean to add an explanation mark x

Thanks @claret3189 I wouldn’t even know where to begin hobby wise

Are there any mretup groups in your area? Even now they are doing virtual quizzes etc which might help get to know a few people. I think volunteering can be a good way of meeting new people too. Then there are classes for learning things which will hopefully eventually start up again

@youareanobody just came across the thread , how you doing today ?

Hi @youareanobody how are things going? Have you made plans for the weekend?
I get what you’re saying about not feeling up to meeting new people yet.
That’s great news about the mortgage 🥳
If you want to pm someone on here you click on one of the icons at the top right of the page I think 🤔 and when you log in, if you have a message there’s a number next to that icon.

Hi ihavenicelegs

Thanks for asking after me. No plans for the weekend as such. I'm WFH on Sunday. Also going to my late DFs house with my sister for the last time, as the new buyer is collecting the keys on Monday. Social distancing etc etc going out the window as both my sister and I will be going in to the house at the same time, but will of course keep more than 2m away.

Have had almost a sense of doom building in me all week because of it. But I know I'll feel as though a weight has been lifted once Monday is over.

Have also bumped the car this week

I'd love extra time to do something, such as volunteering (as a pp suggested), but my family circumstances won't allow it at the moment unfortunately. I had been hoping to do so community volunteering at the beginning of lockdown but it was apparent I didn't have the time to spare out of the house.

I had a video appointment with my DDs eating disorder therapist the other day. She's actually dedicating the appointments to supporting me as opposed to DD, as she refuses to engage. I found it helpful and really value the support from her. DD continues to get support from her MH nurse. I was working away in the background and could hear her discussing alcohol use with her.

There's also a really lovely house which is come back on the market. The sale unfortunately fell through due to Covid19 situation. It's bigger than the one I originally saw, closer to public transport and shops, a few streets away from my sister, a loft conversion and still within my budget! My mortgage advisor is drawing up an Agreement-In-Principle. Viewings don't start again here until 18th June so I'm making sure I have everything in place for them.

Have been crying on and off this week, just over lots of things. Mainly over my marriage ending. I still love DH but it's just not working

Well I think I spoke too soon.

Have just had DH shouting at me, picking apart my parenting, put my DD down. He literally just wanted to cause an argument and pick a fight

DD has been grounded due to recent drinking. Decided tonight that actually, she wanted to meet her friend for an hour. I tried putting my foot down and putting up a fight but then I just crumbled. I didn't have the energy for an argument or even a discussion.

She got back about 2ins before my last message and after a quick chat about things, she took herself up to her room. Came back down again then DH comes on down complaining that if she ends up with Covid19 because she's going out to meet friends, then he'll have to take time off work and he'll not be impressed.

Apparently he's to go back to work in 2 weeks, can't WFH. I tried diffusing things, telling my DD to just stay quiet etc. But he just kept going on and on, picking away, saying she's just a liar and she'll definitely end up bringing something home. (Her recent attempt at social distancing was a fail, and I have had stern words with her). Before storming out the room he questioned my parenting in front of her, called her a disgrace then called us both a nightmare. And also said he can't wait for us to go.

Both DD and I were left sitting in tears. I literally cannot go on like this. Feel so weak at the moment. Finding the teenage defiance overwhelming, and the backlash from DH is making me feel as though I'm just trapped in a tiny space suffocating

Hey @youareanobody I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. He is abusive and a bully. You deserve so much better. I can relate to the sadness you’re talking about regarding the end of your marriage.

I think when we remember how it all started and the good times, and wonder where it took a wrong turn. I think that’s only human. But. It’s not good any more. Keep reminding yourself that.

It’s awful that he seems to want to create all this unhappiness. Have you agreed that you’re going to divorce? Are you up to having a conversation with him to tell him that while you both have to sit this out you will not tolerate any more verbal abuse towards yourself or your daughter. I know you’ve had these posts but would maybe be worthwhile keeping a diary too.

In the meantime, keep doing the active things. I know it’s hard, but “just keeping going” is so helpful. Set yourself 3 “you” goals each day, maybe do this with your daughter too and talk to her about getting through it together and looking forward to better times. She’s of an age where fostering a friendship between you is a good strategy.
Take care and keep posting. You do sound stronger despite his efforts to chip away. You’re seeing him for who he is xx

PS The house sounds fab! Crossing everything for you!

Hi ihave thanks for the reply.

I blame myself for the unhappiness in our home. Maybe I've not been a good enough parent, and as a result I have an out of control teenager. So I guess things are probably my fault.

Have woken up feeling terrible today. Have been awake for hours but only just went downstairs for a coffee and a glass of water, as I waited for DH to go in a shower.

I suspect today will be spent hiding upstairs in the spare room

hi youareanobody how are you today ?
I’ve been reading through the posts and I can totally relate . I’ve also spent the majority of my time hiding in my room to avoid Dh.

It’s horrible isn’t it ,
I’m glad you’ve got the house to look forward to ..... just think there will be no more hiding In your room , no more abuse ❤️

Hi OP. I really feel for you and I suspect you're not alone. Most people can't wait for the lockdown to lift but there are others who are actually dreading it, as it reminds them of their loneliness and lack of close friendships.
I'm on my own with my 2DC and I feel a bit like this because I've just split from boyfriend. It was only an 8 month relationship but I had thought Id finally found someone. Now I keep thinking that when lockdown ends, everyone will be doing couple things again and I'm back to square 1. I don't have family near me either which makes it harder.
I think your current living arrangements are definitely making things way worse for your mood. Once lockdown ends your life can start though - try to look at it like that. Independence counts for a lot and I'd rather be on my own and perhaps a bit lonely at times, than in a bad relationship. Sending positive thoughts your way.

Hi youare I’ve just read your thread and wanted to pop in to let you know you’re doing so much better than you realise.

You cannot take all the blame for your marriage and your daughter. Both your current H and exH take at least 50% of That blame (if not more).

I really feel for you dealing with your marriage breaking down and a dd with an ED. No wonder you feel awful. Either one of those things is enough on its own.

Your H is a real bully, taking advantage of his relative position of power to use you and dd to hurt each other. One day you will be far from him and have no reason ever to see or speak to him again.

I suspect it will be much easier to support your dd, and for her to start engaging, once you are both well settled into your new home and new life. Give it time - friends and freedom and happiness will all come back.

For now, focus on making your getaway plan work.

OPyou sound like such a great mum. Just sending hugs and very excited for you, starting out in a little house with DD and no uncaring difficult partner to tiptoe around!!! Things WILL get moving again. Perhaps when they do, you could find a local rambling group? They are the way togoif you feel socially anxious and lonely. You know the meetings will happen, and you don't feel so individually responsible for making them go well. Before you know it, you will feel part of a gang. Keep thinking about 2021 and all the positive changes that could be around the corner for you. Things WILL come together!!!

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply and ask how I am.

This weekend has been difficult for a lot of reasons. Dealing with a grounded teenager, which is very similar to dealing with a caged animal. Dealing with my DH sulking around the house, and also dealing with saying goodbye to my childhood home. Keys were handed in to the solicitor and new owner takes them tomorrow.

My DH was out in the car on Friday evening and saw my DD with a group of other teens. So of course that was bliss for him, being able to say I told you so. Or in his exact words "a big fat told you so". I then spent an hour driving round our local area, phoning and texting her trying to find her. She was actually grounded at this point but decided to unground herself she swanned back in at 11pm and had been firmly grounded since then. Warned of additional punishments if she even thinks about crossing that front door without my say so.

So it has been a challenge to say the least.

I managed to speak with DH today to ask if it would be possible to try live more amicably. He knows I've been looking for a suitable property, and that I have had a mortgage approved but I've told him the finer details. He seemed shocked and upset but we both agreed it's for the best.

So tomorrow, in between working, will be about appointing a solicitor. I'm hoping the solicitor we used for the sale of my dads house has reasonable fees, as I'd like to go with them.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Fizzysours (my mouth waters when I type that!!) thanks for your lovely message. I do hope and ask believe that things will improve once I move out, in terms of my MH.

My DH was and still is, in many ways, the most wonderful man, if I'm honest. He was never like this before and it's as though there's a stranger living in my house he no longer has the patience he had, and just seems angry and bitter a lot of the time now. We've been dealt a lot of blows in recent years. Me far more than him, and he's watched me struggle and helped pick me back up so many times. But I guess his patience has worn thin now.

I wish things could have been different, but unfortunately we don't make each other happy any more. I know I will feel free once I leave and I hope he does too.

Illstart yes it has certainly been difficult. I honestly don't know how I'm managing to get through each day, but somehow I am.

I've been dealt a shitty hand in life in so many ways, but I always seem to get through it somehow. So I'm hoping this will be the same. Just difficult to see the woods for the trees while in the situation.

And I hope (and tbh I know) you're right. Things will start to fall in to place eventually

anotherdisaster sorry to hear about your boyfriend it's just shit isn't it? I've thought about that too. What about when lockdown ends? All of my friends and relatives are coupled up. All my friends and relatives that have kids have much younger children so are at different stages in their lives. It's very daunting wondering what life will look like from a social point of view. And thinking of in the very far future, what about holidays? My DD was meant to be having a family holiday on her dads side this year, no doubt will be planned for next year instead (it allows by then). Then the following year she'll be 18 and going away with friends. The thought of a solo holiday is just unthinkable at the moment. But I'm getting way ahead of myself here! I do understand what you have said though. It's a lonely thought being single when everyone else is in a couple

Ribbon I'm so so sorry to hear you are going through similar. It's a very lonely life living in a house with a separated partner lots of tip toeing around and hiding out of the way. At the moment I'm a long way off from being able to say I've got a house to look forward to. Still a dream I'm working towards at the moment, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed for now. So far so good! Are you in the process of separating or just going through a bad patch?

Have you tried CBT? It's very good for negative thoughts, your GP can refer you. Have u tried volunteering? U meet loads of new people, you are doing something great and positive for the community and your confidence will also grow. You can offer anything from an hour or two a week upwards, and there are so many sectors to choose from
As for DH he sounds just as depressed as you in the garden all day long, is there any way of sitting and talking to him only to make the atmosphere better so you can at least stop avoiding one another in the same house. It must be affecting your DD, I hope things get better for you. They will.

Hi auty thanks for the reply.

I honestly don't have the time to spare or commit to volunteering at the moment. I'm working FT from home, and my spare time is spent encouraging my DD to eat and to keep it down due to her eating disorder. For example lunch, it can sometimes take up to 20mins to talk her in to eating and discuss what she'll have. Then prepare / cook it. Then sit with her while she eats, encouraging just one more bite. Then another. Eating a meal can take up to 45 minutes at times. Then I monitor her for 2 hours afterwards to make sure she doesn't vomit it back up again. 3 times a day, 7 days a week.

Yes my DH probably is just as depressed as I am. I have no desire to sit in his company in the garden though. I'd rather avoid his sulking. The conversation inevitably turns to certain aspects which we disagree on. I'd rather sit alone than deal with that.

As for cbt, I was paying privately for this for a year. Within that time I experienced several traumatic events, including assisting in cpr on a plane, finding my dad at deaths door and rushing him to hospital, 2 months later actually finding him at home after he passed away and then dealing with my DDs eating disorder. My therapist and I agreed that the continual trauma in my life was creating barriers to my therapy. I'd attend an appointment and break down in tears at the state of my life, and end up talking about that instead of actually getting in to the therapy side of things. We agreed I should get my DD through her eating disorder then consider starting up cbt again.

I know it sounds as though I'm throwing a brick wall up at every suggestion on this thread, but unfortunately this is the reality of my life. I had cbt many years ago, which was helpful but then I've experienced so many upsetting events since then. I also paid for counselling for over a year however I was referred to a neurophysiologist due to non epileptic seizures (caused by stress) so it was felt there would be too much therapy at the one time. I had specialist treatment for 6 months and I'm glad to say I've been seizure free for over 2 years.

I've went down so many avenues to try to help myself. Medication, change of doses, change of medication, another change of dose, CBT, counselling, specialist therapy, exercise, massage, meditation, relaxation oils for pulse points, oil diffuser. So much!

Once my DD is better I will definitely be looking in to what I can do outside the home to help myself more. At the moment my focus is moving myself and DD our to start again. One step at a time

Hi OP, you definitely sound clearer and more decisive in your posts, despite all the hurdles and trauma you’re describing.
You sound really strong and all the strategies you’ve tried and will go back to show this.
Just wanted to say hi and hope your week goes well.

Good luck with the solicitors and moving forwards 💐

Ah well. Doesn't look as though that house sale is going to happen the loft conversion was done without planning permission, so there are no structural reports etc for it. The seller seems reluctant to put anything in place, and appears to be waiting for some poor sucker to come along and deal with it all, and pay for the reports.

At the moment it's slim pickings in terms of what's for sale. In Scotland there's still no viewings allowed until at least 18th June, and no home reports, photographers etc.

So I have 2 options; hang fire until then or consider the first property I was interested in. The first one is really tiny but I may be able to extend out the back in the future. Home report looks fine, and I viewed a very similar property on the same street to rent at the start of the year. So I know the dimensions.

Wwyd? Focus on the smaller property, potentially have my offer accepted but then see better and more suitable properties come on the market in a few weeks time? Or just wait to see what happens, and potentially lose out on the smaller property?

Depending on the work and when it was done you might be able to ask for a letter of comfort.
What does your solicitor say?
I’d look into that before going for the smaller one.
Might be cheaper/easier to do that than build an extension!
It wouldn’t worry me tbh 😂 but I think they can’t call it a room if it’s not approved. So could negotiate a bit on the offer...

Hiya, thought it would be best just to post some screenshots of the email I got from my solicitor.
The price of the property does reflect the price of a 2-bed in the area, as opposed to a 3-bed so I don't think they'd knock anything off it

The sale fell through last week as apparently the sellers refused to pay for reports etc. So highly unlikely they'd pay for them this time around. Which means I could pay for reports to be carried out and potentially open a huge can of worms.