Lonely with lockdown easing

[youareanobody]

I'm in Scotland and from tomorrow our lockdown will begin to ease, in a similar way to in England.

Anyone who has been through this, or has the easing of lockdown rules just feeling very lonely?

I had a similar feeling loom over me with each time lockdown was extended but that was because I felt that nobody really cared enough to check in on me (via message or call). I would send messages to friends and sometimes I wouldn't get a reply for days.

Now with the easing of lockdown I just can't help this feeling hanging over me of, "who will want to meet me for a socially distanced walk"?

I am married but our relationship has been awful for the last 6 months. I was so close to leaving in February but stupidly decided to give it another go, then lockdown happened. We don't talk at all.

I also have a 16yo DD (not with DH) and she is ecstatic to meet with her best friend from tomorrow.

I don't know why I'm posting really I'm just feeling very down and alone. I went for a local walk earlier and could feel the excitement from people in their gardens about lockdown being lifted / eased. But it just made me feel awful

I have been on MN for years but decided to NC.

OP, I’m so sorry that you are having to cope with such awful circumstances. You are an absolute trooper to still be functioning at all, given all that is going on in your house.
Could you start looking for new properties online? The housing market is being opened up as lockdown eases, and it might lift your spirits to see potential new homes where you could look forward to a happier life.
Secondly, can you try to give your own needs a bit more priority? You are being brilliant in caring for DD’s eating disorder, but you are cramping your own life terribly for the convenience of your “D”H. He should not have free run of the garden while you are trapped indoors- if necessary, draw up a rota to timeshare the garden between you. You deserve a proper bed and workspace too. Why should he always get first dibs on everything?

Could DD get more support from a CPN, to ease the burden on you? Could your husband help more with monitoring DD?
Please try to get outdoors a bit more. Being in a garden or park, even if you don’t exercise, is v good for mental health.
And do go and see your sister! She will be fed up of lockdown too, and will probably be delighted to see you for a chat. I’m sure she will be concerned about you, and will want to help.
I understand your fears about Venlafaxine - withdrawal is vile, and the side effects at high dosage are bad too. If you prefer to stay on your current dose, then it’s even more important to try and optimise everything else in your life to reduce your stress and boost your wellbeing.
Finally, I’m sending you a hug, and my prayers that life improves for you. The lockdown has at least shown you what you would like to change - it’s all achievable, if you just start taking small steps towards it. God bless.

Hi need.

I have a sister who lives just a few minutes drive away. She had a DH and 2 kids under 10. She's got her own stuff going on I guess, and I can't help feeling I've looked to her for support too many times. She must be getting so fed up of me.
There's been a lot over the years, but this last year especially. When my dad passed away I couldn't bring myself to go back to his house alone, so checking the property weekly for insurance reasons fell to her. She was so executor of my dads will (and still is as we've not yet finalised the sale of dads house...lockdown put that on hold). Every time I got upset about my dad it would be her that I sought out for comfort, nobody else, as she's the o my one who truly understands and was there throughout the years. I loved my dad so much but our family and upbringing was complex and nobody else quite gets it like her. When I've messaged her with my worries, fears and tears I've got a sad face back at times and nothing else. I know it's maybe how I'm interpreting things but I saw that as almost a full stop to the conversation.

My sister and I have been estranged from my 'D'Ms entire side of the family for years. And I have an aunt and some cousins on my dads side but we're not close at all.

Thank you babdoc that was a nice message and I appreciate your support.

I 100% know that when I'm out of this house my mood will start to lift. If I could draw a picture of what my mood is like then I'd draw me lying in the foetal position, that's how I feel most of the time.

In terms of the situation in this house, unfortunately my DH is not the type of person who would agree to that type of compromise. If I suggested we take turns of the garden he'd definitely refuse. I can actually envision how the conversation would go....he'd basically tell me he doesn't care if I'm in the garden with him, and if I care then it's my problem. Not his.
I really just feel too uncomfortable to be around him. Which is probably silly as I should be utilising my garden, especially when so many people don't have one. He's not good at compromise at all. When we separated at Xmas one of the conditions of me giving things another go was for him to look in to counselling, as I could see he was struggling under the pressure of life. I was throwing all my time and effort at my DD to support her but it was bloody difficult. His response was "if I need counselling to help me deal with family issues, then I shouldn't be in this family". I asked, begged and pleaded for him to consider it but he refused. Said exercise is his therapy. Stupidly I let my heart rule my head and gave things another go.
He's always enjoyed a drink, especially at weekends. I rarely drink now. His alcohol intake was steadily increasing over the last couple of years but more so in the last year, and even more so since lockdown. I've asked him repeatedly to cut back but I'm just met with refusal. He says there's nothing wrong with drinking alcohol, most people do it, most people have drank more in lockdown and if he wants to he will, as he's an adult. For a couple of weeks I started counting how many units he was drinking. One week it was almost 60 units and the next week it was around 90 units. In this time he was also hiding alcohol but I found it. He also drank an old bottle of mulled wine left over from Xmas, and my 2 fruit ciders (which he apparently hates). He still refuses to see he has a problem.

In terms of helping lighten the load with my DD. She is his SD and over the last few years they've had a very rocky relationship, and he's taken massive steps back. If he's annoyed at me about something then he'll use her as a way of getting at me. When I was previously working until 7pm (from home) he refused to make dinner for her. He'd cooked himself a Sunday roast, put on enough for himself and refused to cook for her, said she had to wait until I was finished work. That was the breaking point for me asking to change my hours.

I do know I need to try get out more and get back to my daily walks, I need to dig very deep to be able to get to that stage and I hope I can manage that soon.

DD is under the care of a dietician, ED (eating disorder) family therapist, MH nurse and psychiatrist. She is on the waiting list for a psychologist so she can start cbt.
At one point several weeks ago her eating was so bad (refusing all meals except dinner, but then only taking 5-10 mouthfuls, then trying to vomit it back up...but I stoped her). The team we're looking at bringing in Intensive Nurses who would support me to support her. They don't do the work for me, more than encourage me along so I don't crack under the pressure and also encourage DD. We've got to a stage where she is eating lunch, dinner and a couple of snacks and absolutely no vomiting at all. She's refusing to engage with any of the ED team though, and will only speak to her MH nurse on the phone weekly. She's also refusing to get weighed and to attend clinic to get bloods done. I still have weekly video chats with her team to update them on her week and to soak up the support they give me.

I have started looking online at properties. The market in Scotland is still closed so options are thin on the ground. There is one which seems ideal as it's in DDs school catchment and very close to DDs best friend (same street!). It's absolutely tiny though but the best I can hope for if I want to stay in the area. I've had a phone appointment with a mortgage advisor and sent over all my financial records, so waiting to see how much of a mortgage I could get. He gave me a rough figure and the one I've seen is definitely within my budget. I keep looking at it online and imagining being there

God I'm sorry for this long post. I guess I'm just pouring my heart out. I do really appreciate every reply.

I really hope you can get that house, and hey, if it's small - less to clean! You deserve stuff to look forward to.

It might help your dd being out of the current living situation.

Sorry op if you've mentioned this already up thread........what does of venlafaxine are you on and for how long? Is it tablet or modified release capsule?
You've got a lot going on for you just now......be kind to yourself x

Thanks category that's definitely a good way of looking at it!!

And I definitely think it'll be v beneficial to DD to get out of this environment. I'm eagerly awaiting any announcement on when the property market can get moving again!

Hi fuuuuck

I'm currently on 75mg of Venlafaxine once a day. I've been on this dose for (at a guess) about 18 months.

I started off on 150mg twice a day and this was about 7 years ago. Stayed on that for a couple of years before I started dropping doses. My previous GP was quite flippant about it and suggested I reduce to 1x 150mg and 1x 75mg daily (cutting the dose by a quarter). A comment he made when I questioned it was "it's not rocket science" 4 days later I couldn't get out of bed, was dehydrated plus delirious and extremely suicidal. After 3 weeks of trying to ride it out my DH said enough was enough and took me back to the GP. GP took one look at me, apologised and put me straight back up again. Queue 1-2 weeks of different types of symptoms as my body adjusted to that. I have to say, it took me months to get anywhere near how I felt before reducing.

I was ready to step down to 37.5mg last year however my dad became unwell so I knew it wasn't the right time.

So I definitely don't want to go through a rollercoaster of symptoms by playing about with doses at the moment. I want off completely eventually but this isn't the right time either.

Listen, if you're feeling like you're feeling why don't you increase the dose........?! Is this not something to consider when you've got all this going on?

When I come off it I reduce by 37.5mg once a week, then reduce by 37.5 mg twice a week etc etc. Takes months.....lots of brain zaps, walking on cotton wool, dizzy spells to the max, things going in slow motion etc BUT for me the good outweighs that x

I'm not sure...makes me nervous just thinking about it!

Even if I'm late taking my tablet by a few hours I start to feel disorientate and have awful mood swings, which has its own problems.

I'm still WFH at the moment Andy job requires me to be completely switched on the whole shift. V outing but I'm an occupational health nurse and I give medical advice over the phone all day, including Covid19 advice. I also process needlestick injuries and drug & alcohol test call outs. I know how I'll end up...head picked and slurring down the phone, little patience etc.

It's definitely something I'll consider doing at some point however I don't think now is the right time. I've definitely taken what you have said on board and I appreciate it

Me too I think, the last couple of days. I'm socially crap, so the lockdown has been kind of a leveller, or even I've handled it better than most people as it's not that much different from my normal life.

Now I'm thinking of friends I've lost/don't have, how much people like me etc again (probably nearer my normal state of mind.)

This is without all the massive amount of other stuff you have to deal with. Hugs xxxx

Oh, @youareanobody there’s so much going on for you right now. Lockdown is crap but all you are dealing with on top of that is really tough.
I’m also in Scotland and divorced 3 years ago and (please down take this the wrong way) when lockdown started I did think thank God we weren’t locked down together. I was also like you in terms of the way I dealt with it, in the spare room and staying out the way. I was depressed and withdrawn and a shadow of my real self.
Looking back I wish I’d done things differently because it’s my house as much as his! Your DH sounds awful and he’s massively contributing to how you feel right now. Once he is out of your hair you can start to move on properly but in the meantime try to get back out for your walks. It will be good to get some space.
3 years on and I’ve built a new life. I have nice friends, I talk to the neighbours, I’ve organised zoom quizzes over lockdown and I do life at my own pace. It’s not perfect and some days I feel lonely or rubbish or whatever. But I’m so much happier overall.
You will get there x

Glad to see iamnot the onlyone feeling this way with friends. I havemade a conscious effort throughout contacting people but nothing really in return. I just find it very disappointing

Hi op, just wanted to offer a bit of solidarity re: the Venlafaxine. I was prescribed it 3 years ago when I was diagnosed with OCD and I already had anxiety. I was taking 150mg a day which was 2 tablets of 75mg each.

Last December I felt horrible and anxiety was sky high and already taking Propranolol so doctor suggested an increase to 225mg which I started. I take the 150mg tablet early am ( around 5/6am ) and the 75mg tablet around 8/9pm. The first 2 weeks of increased dose were hard in terms of fatigue etc but it settled and I feel a million times better.

I feel so sorry for you in the situation with your not so D H. Keep the thought in your head of your lovely new house. Youre doing amazing with your daughter too, that cannot be easy and you’re clearly made of strong stuff.
Maybe once you moved and feel settled you will consider joining some sort of group that interests you, even an online one.

I wish you and your dd all the very best

Nomore I agree in saying that I've maybe coped with lockdown better than some. It's also made me realise just what life has become. Especially seeing my DH and DD really struggling with it and almost behaving like caged animals. Sorry to hear that your mind has been ticking into overdrive with the recent lockdown changes too

Ihave I know I'll probably look back on this time and feel exactly like you.
Sounds as though you've absolutely flourished after your divorce! Definitely gives me hope. I'm like a nervous wreck in this house at the moment.

Claret yep I've done the same

Thanks zoflora that was a useful insight about Venlafaxine. I honestly don't know what to do. The higher the dose I'm on the more numb and flat I am, if that makes sense ? I just feel nothing...no sadness but also no joy. I remember my DD telling me of something she'd achieved and I just sat there. Of course I congratulated her but a smile couldn't even reach my face, and I'm really not surprised she got v upset with me. The GP could try swap me over to something else though I guess? In terms of what you said about me being made of strong stuff; I don't feel strong! I crumble and break down all the time and get absolutely no comfort at all. My DH doesn't notice as I'm upstairs, and my DD seems to be missing a sensitivity chip if I'm honest! I'm really hoping that things will start to look up once we can move and have a fresh start.

Look forwards, OP. When my marriage was ending I was stuck in the same house for months whilst things were sorted with my awkward ex, I hardly had any close friends and was depressed...being locked down in that situation would have been horrendous and I feel for you.
Once I'd left I slowly built up my own life, forced myself to take up new things and made new friends(mainly fellow singletons). You can too, this is just a horrible period being on hold but use it to plan and dream, once you're rid of your H life will be so much better.

You're doing an amazing job with your DD OP, i am in awe! And your living situation is so difficult yet you are gentle and thoughtful in all your responses. Please hold on and believe in your future. That little house sounds perfect 💐

Thank you so much cosy and tiger.

DD came home from seeing her friend last night and she was drunk. My DH absolutely blows up when this has happened before, and I got the usual "look at your daughter, she's a disgrace etc etc" last night. When he's annoyed at me, he takes it out on her and vice versa. DD then blurred out to him "we can't wait to get away from here and away from you. My mum is looking for somewhere to go!"
DH and I had a brief argument a few weeks ago and I told him I was just biding my time with lockdown. He knew what I meant by that, DD heard so I had to explain to her. And now she's done that I'm dreading seeing DH today (went downstairs to get stuff from kitchen when he was in shower) as I know he'll be stropping around, and I'll have serious damage control to do. And yet another serious chat with DD about alcohol.

That being said, it's another beautiful day here today. I'm looking out the window at the blue sky and have my window open wide, and enjoying the combination of the heat and breeze.

I'm going to my sister's later today to sit in her garden. Feeling a little more positive today despite everything.

I can relate to a lot of this. Unhappy marriage in lockdown (he ignores that and I can't afford to leave so still getting ducks in a row), no family or close friends nearby. I don't make friends easily so very few of these zoom social events and no one to meet up with now either. Happy for others but I am dreading seeing it all on social media this week.

You don't have to look at social media though... said with love. I know I'm far happier never looking at SM at all, I only keep FB for Messenger.

@youareanobody that’s what teenagers do - test boundaries, experiment and do on. She’s also dealing with with lockdown and easing and getting back out there to find her place again.. all while living in pretty difficult, unhappy circumstances. Parenting wouldn’t be necessary if it was all Sweetness and light.

So don’t beat yourself up (or allow him to) over these little things. We’ve all been there. It’s important to talk to her about alcohol and about what’s going on, but I’m sure you already know that.

I too had a daughter prior to my marriage and just like yours, my ex was frequently scathing about her, slagging off her clothes, criticising her academic efforts etc. It was very hurtful, but I did finally start calling him out when he did it. It was so unnecessary.
She was late teens when we split.
DH is being an arse! Look forward to your freedom from that.
I’m so glad you’re getting out to enjoy the sunshine! Sending you a big hug - you are doing brilliantly and each day is one step closer. x

Thanks, I know you mean well but that's not such a great plan when without social media I'd have very little social contact at all

Yes definitely (more) serious talks about alcohol, ihave. She's even more at risk due to her history of ED.

As predicted, DH was in a bastard of a mood today. DD apologised to him for how she spoke to him last night but he's refused to accept it. And just other bickering between us.

I visited my sister today, where she had set up a chair and my own little table in the garden. Got to watch her kids playing in the sun for a couple of hours,and it was just lovely. Have missed them so much.

Back to work tomorrow though, then my sister and I are working opposite says until next Saturday. I feel it definitely done me some good.

Decided to sit in the garden when I got home. DH was set up with his bbq and chair in the middle of the garden so I took a deck chair to the top of the garden where the sun was. I only lasted 20 minutes though as I could have cut the atmosphere with a knife, and the silence from the both of us was deafening.

Oh, and still no messages from so called friends

Glad you had a good day with your sister and family yesterday - and going into the garden was a big step too so well done on that!

Just put your sunglasses on, take a book and filter him out next time 😃

Where are you in Scotland (feel free to pm me) if we’re nearby I’m up for a socially distanced walk/ chat if you fancy it? Hope you had a good day today.

Ihave that is so lovely of you...thank you! I've never messaged another poster directly on here before so I'm not sure how to do that!

I have to admit that the idea terrifies me! My confidence and self esteem are an all time low tbh, and I really don't think I could do that at the moment. But I will keep it in mind. I'm in Glasgow btw.

My mortgage advisor got in touch on Friday (didn't pick up the email until yesterday) and got the lovely surprise that my upper limit is actually about £20k more than he first calculated my friend's husband is a builder and he drew me up a quick diagram of a potential extension for the little property I have seen online. He's also given rough figures for prices too. This is all adding to my day dreaming!

On another note, one of my friends also got in touch today to ask after me, so that was lovely.

My DD also went to her dad's for dinner, so it was really nice to finish work at 4pm today and not have to start the usual feeding ritual. It was a novelty to not have the stress or worry this evening. He also had very harsh words with her about her recent antics so again, it was nice to feel supported.

DH and I stayed out of each other's way the whole day and evening; not a single word uttered between us. Which has been very welcome given the circumstances over the last few days.

The fog is starting to lift little by little, very slowly.

I'm in Glasgow too OP and I'm quite nervous for lockdown to lift. My area is already going mental with parties and trouble with the police. It'll be chaos and I'm not looking forward to it.