Question for those with a DP/DH with Aspergers?

[NeuroXero]

What were the initial stages of dating like?

Who made the first move?

Who was the first to admit feelings?

What sort of issues did you encounter in terms of social communication?

Thanks.

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Erm, he was rather awkward at first. Also OTT playful (nerves), which I loved.

The first move was awkward for him. He certainly wasn't suave. We had to have a talk about making a move on each other.

He would often "accidentally" slip out that he loved me, but it took him about 3 months to say it properly.

Our problems were, and still are, communication. We split up for many reasons, one being that he refused to open up and discuss a big argument we had that caused us to part for 6 weeks. He brushed it under the carpet and therefore didn't get over it, just held a grudge. I'd had his baby by that point, split up when she was 3 months.

17 months on, and he still refuses to communicate about issues, blows up or gives the silent treatment. It's exhausting and draining sharing a child with a man who refuses to talk. We never even had "The chat" after we split, he just refused to talk to me. A very sad outcome for all three of us.

Sorry to hear that RLEOM - I'm a lone parent too, so can relate that.

Some of what you've mentioned has already cropped up. Social deficits are definitely apparent.

Going to have to think a bit more on this.

I'm also the female aspergers part of my relationship. It's still early days - 6 and a half months.

He made it clear he liked me initially. I'd also liked him for a couple of years but far from letting him know, I completely ignored him. To the point of being rude I've since had pointed out to me

I can't read cues and he is very gentlemanly so, on the couple of occasions we had talked prior to getting together, i had absolutely no idea he was interested.

I didn't tell him until the 6 month mark because I thought I was doing a really good job of masking. I was aware of a few occasions when he might have been aware I was stimming and a couple of occasions when I felt really socially out of my depth, when his response was fantastic. But, when i told him, his relief was palpable and he told me that I made a lot more sense and he rattled off half a dozen or so recurring situations when he hadn't understood why I'd behaved the way I had. I was oblivious to these but, when he told me, it made sense.

I admit that communication is still an issue. I overthink massively and am very non-confrontational. I keep it all in my head and forget I'm supposed to speak to him if I'm uncertain!

We're still working out communication glitches but I've told him that, if I do something he doesn't like or finds confusing/upsetting or hurtful, then he needs to tell me because it will never be something I have intended to be hurtful but I won't realise if he doesn't say something. Likewise, I need to remember to ask for clarification rather than keeping it all in my head.

If I'm very upset or angry, I'm more likely to shut down than argue, which is possibly what RLEOM experienced with her ex. Sometimes, the emotion is so overwhelming and painful that I can't deal with it. I also find that when I'm done, I'm done. I read a lot about how people can't switch off their emotions but I can. I'm very black and white - you're either on my team or you're not. There is no grey area.

I'm also very pragmatic. So I've had male friends declare they have feelings for me and it hasn't impacted on the friendship at all. I'm quite capable of compartmentalising like that and don't let emotions pointlessly interfere. But I don't remain friends with exes either because, like I said, once I'm done, I'm done.

I won't get hints and I am never certain I've understood an intention correctly. I have to think and evaluate absolutely every interaction, which is exhausting, tbh. So I rely on people being really blunt. It's hard to offend me. If you tell me a dress or a hair colour doesn't suit me, I won't take offence. Nor if you tell me I've put on a few pounds. But I will be equally direct and some people don't like that.

I had a friend at school (long before either of us had ever heard of autism!) who used to tell me that she valued a compliment from me more than anyone else because she knew it was genuine. So I won't flatter anyone and don't understand why people 'fish' for compliments. So compliments might be few and far between but they are sincere when they come.

I don't have a huge need to spend loads of time with him. A good quality, even if brief, text exchange is as satisfying for me as spending a weekend with him in person. I find men who want to spend a lot of time with me quite stifling because indeed a lot of time to myself. I'll have a lovely weekend with him but then not speak to him for 2 days because I need to recover from that.

I initially messaged to thank him for a lovely date but only because I know that's what people do. And stopped after a couple of weeks.

On the plus side, I'm very loving and completely loyal and faithful. I wouldn't look at another man while I'm with someone. And that's a trait of most autistic people I know.

I've dated ND and NT men. I find ND men by far the easiest. You always know where you stand. But only if they accept their diagnosis means they might mis-fire sometimes and are willing to put the effort in. An ND man who militantly believes they are right and you should conform to their way of seeing the world because it is the only and the right one, is a nightmare and lead to nothing but angst and heartache. We all, autistic or not, have a responsibility to treat those around us with kindness and respect. I just sometimes need to be told when I'm fucking up on that count because it's never intentional. I can just be quite self absorbed. Apparently...

I hope that helps..?

I'm also happy to answer any questions.

Tbh with the female being autistic I think it's easier. Dh is terrible at verbal communications and doesn't read nuances and empathy isn't in his vocabulary. It's been very difficult at times particularly in relation to his adult children one of whom I feel has been quite difficult in the past but he couldn't quite see that. It can make for a lonely marriage sometimes but then most longish marriages have problems at some point. Ask yourself whether you are ok emotionally supporting yourself through traumatic times. If you are self reliant and strong it helps.

So I trawled the divorce forums and happy marriage forums instead, finding out which behaviours typically lead to relationship breakdown and learning how to avoid them

I do that too.

I initially joined MN in 2009 because I didnt have any female friends - i find men much easier to understand and communicate with because you generally know where you stand with them. I have always found that some women will be nice to your face and not behind your back. Men are less likely to do that. So i needed to understand more about women and what they need from female friendships and how they think. I still read threads on here and think women are very confusing at times!

Equally, a lot of male autistics I know prefer the company of women because they find them more empathic and understanding of their differences. I have had boyfriends who were uncomfortable with my male friendships.

So I am constantly trying to understand how NTs understand and communicate each other. I'm willing to learn but sometimes I will do nd say things because I know I'm supposed to rather than because I feel it. If that makes sense.

Cinderella66

I would agree that it is easier with a F/ND and M/NT.

Although i did have an autistic boyfriend who was overly empathetic and that was a nightmare. I would take a non empathetic ND boyfriend over that anyday!

Dating was a total whirlwind. He made the first move, he was the first to declare love. I felt desired, adored and accepted.

Communication issues started on our honeymoon. He stopped talking almost overnight.

It's 18 years now. I live without sex, touch, conversation or support. I used to think the opposite of love was hate, but, it's disinterest. He insists that he loves me and that he'll work on it - but, he can't.

The older he has got the more marked his traits have become. He accepts, intellectually, that he is spectrummy, but he believes our problems stem from me and my unreasonable emotions.

I have 3 lovely kids, a nice home, a nice life - but, oh dear, how I wish I'd made different choices.

I am very lonely.

Thank you everybody for your in depth responses. I was not expecting that.

I'm starting to think it's not worth continuing with this man. He shows interest but won't/can't actually tell me he how he feels, if that makes sense.

Feel I should message him and the cut ties.

can't/won't says it all.

If the desire to be a good partner, to improve or help isn't there, then unhappiness will ensue.

He came on very strong. He said he loved me first and it was all very intense. In hindsight he was masking very hard and trying desperately to follow a script and I fell for it! Arguments are impossible. He gets so emotionally triggered he can't hear me at all. I feel so alone. I have to manage our relationship pretty hard to make it work. Couples counselling is pointless and made me like him even less! My son is HFA and I'm trying very hard to give him skills DH doesn't have especially around listening and conflict resolution but it's so hard for him I'm not sure he'll ever manage. We've paid for private school for him and I worry I'm actually making a monster really. Some poor woman is going to end up in the same boat as me. But how do you warn a girlfriend without seeming like the mother from hell? I just don't know.

we both have aspergers, and ADHD, and I am erring towards PDA as well.
It works but possibly better now that we both have been diagnosed.
We dont live together but share a child. My control issues probably make it easier that way, and his inability to deal with chaos.
Both late diagnosed after both children. Been together 17 years
He is very kind and considerate, doesnt say he loves me but demonstrates it. Im probably a bit more rubbish to be honest, but I do love him dearly.
I made the first move, as I had to tell him as he hadnt realised, despite feeling the same. We talk alot about experiences and feelings (well I think we do but being so rubbish Im possibly wrong) I have alot of trouble identifying specific emotions Im feeling. Often bury them all until they overwhelm me. He can often jump to conclusions about what other people are thinking/doing and why, and then react with like for like, and I often dont notice because Im self absorbed or just think 'oh he needs a bit of space' when he may have been giving me the silent treatment.
communication is the key. Absolutely. we dont always succeed in that, but I think we want to and sometimes its hard. And acknowledgement that we care enough and put each other first if its sometimes might not appear to the other that this is the case, because we are both guilty of making assumptions based upon own own feelings rather than actually speaking and finding out if its true.

so if your partner wont communicate, its going to be really difficult

I'm not trying to be offensive but I am speaking my truth because the OP asked for advice from those of us with ASD partners and the truth isn't pretty.

It's not the same as being French. Autism is an internationally recognised diagnosis. And that diagnosis includes then following:

•	difficulties with social interaction – finding it hard to understand, communicate and recognise how other people are feeling.
•	difficulties with social communication – struggling with verbal and non-verbal language
•	difficulties with social imagination – finding it hard to imagine what others are thinking or alternatives to their own routines.

All of the above makes life bloody hard going especially if you have children.

As for my son he's handsome, he's going to be well educated and if he's as professionally as successful as his father he will be quite well off. He also has very little ability to properly connect and empathise. He can't do conflict management hardy at all. He has a horrendous temper and lashes out. So yes I would fear for some girl who falls in love with him.

Well. He's awkward and seems to show feelings through actions, though usually only in the general sense.

I'm not prepared to stick around for someone who can't admit any feelings the have for me verbally at least once from the outset. Aspergers or not.

I'm a bit shy and somewhat eccentric myself, and I wonder if that's what appeals to us both. Though I can speculate all I want I guess and I'll still never know.

Your son will be ok, Alpines, he has you. I often wonder whether my DH would have been an easier husband if the help and support, even just a diagnosis, when he was younger - but, aspergers wasn't even recognised when he was a kid.

Agree it must be very hard to be autistic and see people writing the sort of thing that NT partners say about their relationships they are in with AS people. I suggest, gently, that in that case, you don't read it.

I am NT. I have had to adapt my entire life and way of being to accommodate him. It has been costly to my mental health and my sense of self. I am not sure it has been worth it. That is not a value judgement on people with autism, but, NT people tend to like physical contact, touch, emotional connection - and I live without these things because he does not need them. It is hard for me to do that.

He pretended/masked in our very short, very intense dating period and, obviously, stopped once we were married. He is a good man, but this is not a good marriage because he promised me that he would "cherish" me - and he is quite unable to do that. He does not mean to hurt my feelings - but my feelings are hurt because he cannot keep the promises he made me.

That has left me feeling hoodwinked, trapped, abandoned and very, very sad. He, on the other hand, is confused about why I am not happy like I was when we first met. I have spent years trying to communicate this, to fix it - but he cannot understand it. It will never change.

It is not easy and I am not sure I am making the right choice to stay. How can I leave him when he is doing his best?

He is trying, I know he is - but, he will never be able to be NT any more than I will be able to be AS and so our marriage will never be an easy one.

It is just all very sad.

As always, so much ableism about autism and Asperger’s on MN. Where one person’s experience (usually of an undiagnosed person) means they feel entitled to talk as if they are experts on all autistic person.

Autism does not “get worse” with age - it is a fundamental part of us and has been since the day we were born. However we can be worn down by a lack of empathy by those who don’t understand the condition.

Fortunately, my (few) friends and close family are intelligent and understanding and my late-diagnosis means that I feel far more accepted than I ever did.

OP - If you are not getting what you want out of the relationship then leave. It’s very straightforward.