Question for those with a DP/DH with Aspergers?

[NeuroXero]

What were the initial stages of dating like?

Who made the first move?

Who was the first to admit feelings?

What sort of issues did you encounter in terms of social communication?

Thanks.

Well I have aspergers and i think dp does too, although no diagnosis and hes not interested in getting one. Beginning of our relationship was super hot as we quickly became obsessed with each other

OK, I've just re registered specifically to comment on this thread.

I am the child of a man with Aspergers. My parents' marriage was a complete and utter disaster - they split up when I was 10 or so. All my life my mum has told me that my Father was emotionally abusive and impossible to live with. HOWEVER he then went on to have a 34 year long relationship with my step mother who adored him. I love my mum very much but she and my dad were totally unsuited from the start!

I am married to a man with AS. I, myself, am far from NT which may be why we are so happy together and have been for over 20 years.
In terms of the question asked in the OP -
Who made the first move? - we met after I responded to his advert in a newspaper (yes, we are that old) but he drove the beginnings of the relationship - in many ways I was his 'special interest' - and given my inablity to hang on to a phone number it's a jolly good job he did!

Who was the first to admit feelings? - That was me. I was rather drunk and he'd just told me that before he'd met me he'd applied for residency in Australia. I said something along the lines of ' But you can't leave me! I love you!'

What sort of issues did you encounter in terms of social communication? - Um. Sometimes we expect each other to understand/know something. We had a massive wobble (OK well I did) after I accidently read an email he'd sent to a colleague about how stressed he was when he hadn't told me he was stressed - he
expected me to know and I was oblivious because of my own stress.

We have 2 children, both of whom have ASCs. Every time I read threads like this I want to cry for their future. I really worry they will end up with people who don't understand them.

My husband and I have made our relationship work by accepting each other for who and what we are. My mum has said she believes my DH is 'difficult' and he is but then so am I!

One thing to take into account is that ASC doesn't make a person a saint - it is totally possible to be a complete git and also have an ASC. My BIL is an example of that very thing!

Wow @Jeff 😯 I'm going to re-read your posts over a few times. I really like this guy because I'm a bit of an oddball myself and it seems he doesn't mind. I see a lot of myself in him.

My main concern is emotionally availability, so I took the plunge today and messaged to ask about seeing him again. Waiting on a reply...

Thank you for such an insightful post @Jeff

I'd say when it works, it's wonderful. If you go in with a reasonable understanding you are in a much better position to work things out. It is so much more known now.

My experiences are very similar to Vivarium.

I would say that an NT-ND relationship is really no different to any other in that honesty, transparency, equality and trust are key foundations. I think also for many of us now in our 50s and onwards the lack diagnosis and support throughout our formative years means that the transparency or self awareness needed for a healthy relationship just hasn't been nurtured to a sufficient degree.

We've been married 20 years and the closer we get the more distant my DP.

I'm currently seeing someone with Aspergers who I like hugely. I do find some of his interactions confusing, like he will want to stay home and sort his stuff out and be alone but still maintain our relationship whereas my thoughts are if he cared, he would want to see me more. I feel a bit compartmentalised. Covid has also meant he's extra concerned about things so quoting rates a lot more than anyone I know and almost afraid to be around others. He's almost child like in many ways and I'm wondering what the future would hold for us. I have children myself and whilst he desperately wants kids but I don't want more. Is there a way I can navigate round this to make it all work. I think he's absolutely wonderful but sometimes I feel he's locked away and hard to read. I'm super friendly/social/empathetic myself.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria I too live in a marriage very similar to yours. As I read your responses I wondered if I had been sleep typing. I share your loneliness

Hi, I'm seeing someone with Aspergers and what I find hard is lack of planning and it makes me feel like I'm always chasing for confirmation about things. Is this a sign he isn't that into me? In person, it's wonderful and we are very happy but I just don't feel like there is any pursuit on his part.

@Alpines. I just wanted to say I'm sorry things have been so difficult for you. I think you've had an unnecessarily hard time on here and wanted to offer a virtual hug.

@RiverRover thank you so much for drafting a reply. I have children so need to plan ahead and be organised about things whereas I get the impression he just decides much nearer the time about anything. And although it's early days but I believe he cares a lot, his distance at times makes me wonder whether he is actually interested. He just needs his own time whereas I've been used to people wanting to spend all their time with me.

My partner has aspergers, as does my brother. They have completely different traits. Both of them are very loving, loyal & have a brilliant dry sense of humours. They are also very honest ( it hurts sometimes 🙄)
My partner likes to know what the plan is & is uneasy if things are sprung on him. When pouring wine, serving food etc it has to be exact on each serving. He doesn't like big social events & gets stressed meeting new people. He is also very laid back in other ways & hates any type of conflict. He also needs his own space (as do I)
My brother on the other hand is aweful at communicating. He will leave a party without telling anyone. It doesn't occur to him we might be worried. He is very much a loner, although he gets lonely. The reason for this is that he doesn't pick up social queues, & finds mixing a minefield. He flies off the handle very quickly due to frustration. He can be a nightmare to live with because of the lack of communication. He is also great company & very protective.
I think you just need to be aware of your partners quirks & not take things too personally. Like any relationship talk if something upsets you so the other person knows & doesn't have to guess.
I wouldn't swop my partner, he suits me perfectly. I see his traits as positives. We can always find negatives if we want to. You just have to decide if you can cope with the quirks.

@Joy69 this post was really useful. Thank you. My partner hasn't answered a text about this weekend so either he has stuff on and too scared to say anything to me. Is this normal? It's early days for us so I don't really understand how he can be so enthusiastic then disappears into a hole and seems to forget me.

I think it's shocking how people giving their own experiences are being belittled and bullied by others. Look at how these posters coldly take apart words and sentences. This, right here, is the kind of cold discussion you would be facing from someone who is meant to be your partner, your supporter, your lover.

Well said @cuddlymunchkin

I sympathise and understand why some women are getting offended here (because they have autism or their wonderful husband or child does), but you seriously need to let them speak. As long as it's within the law and within MN rules, they have a right to discuss the issues they might experience, or are experiencing with you shushing them and making them feel guilty for bringing it up. They already have enough of that at home.

Yes, some of these difficulties have cross overs with other personality traits, but just because there's a cross-over, doesn't mean you can write off the autistism side of their issues completely just because it happens to offend you.

Some of you are coming across as unempathic or deaf to their stuggles - you simply don't want to hear that these women have had negative experiences because of possible Aspergers in their lives and are getting defensive. If you want to start your own thread on that topic, that's fine, but please don't shut these women down by constantly challenging them in this way. Many of them have been through a lot and although you might find it offensive that they are somehow warning other women off autistic men, they are trying to look out for those women because they see them as younger versions of themselves.

It does seem to be difficult for women to get their needs met by autistic partners who cannot instinctively do what they need. They can go through the motions of it, yes, and they can do something they are asked to do, but that is not the same thing as feeling the same way are on the inside, or doing something naturally. They might feel like they've had to live within their partner's rules or limitations around the house, as doing otherwise would cause more of an issue. At the beginning of a relationship that might be fine, but it gets wearing for some of those women over many years, and you need to respect their right to have those feelings.

EarthSight you have hit the nail on the head here. As much as I love my brother, I can also see how difficult he must be to live with & also how lonely my sil must get at times. I also hear his side of things. With saying that they're still together 25 years later so are obviously doing something right!
I think we can all have things about us that annoys our partners, the key is to talk to each other if possible