Question for those with a DP/DH with Aspergers?

[NeuroXero]

What were the initial stages of dating like?

Who made the first move?

Who was the first to admit feelings?

What sort of issues did you encounter in terms of social communication?

Thanks.

I didn't generalise, I didn't use derogatory language and I don't believe that I was ableist about my husband in what I said Sherry.

OP asked for experiences, and I gave mine. I didn't make sweeping statements about all people with AS, but you did about my DH. He is thoughtful and kind, actually, he's just quite unable to express that in a way that is consistent and meaningful to me.

This is a common problem for NT people who have AS partners and so I think it is valid to flag it up to OP as a consideration.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

You said

Agree it must be very hard to be autistic and see people writing the sort of thing that NT partners say about their relationships they are in with AS people. I suggest, gently, that in that case, you don't read it

Do you really mean that? You have just told us we shouldn’t have a voice when you are talking, explicitly, about us in extremely generic terms.

I think you have demonstrated the heart of the problem - many (but certainly not all) NT people do not believe autistic people deserve equality, or even an opinion at all.

Yet it is us that is the problem? I think the problem is that you don’t want to hear us, and you certainly don’t want to listen to what we have to say. So so sad.

I'm talking about my experiences with my DH who has autism and the specific challenges that has presented in our relationship

I'm not talking about you, I don't know anything about you. You have a voice, here you are using it to tell me that I am the problem.

To be honest, Scautish I am told that I am the problem quite regularly by my resident language policeman. It's not productive, and this isn't going to be a productive conversation either.

I don't have a problem with you, with people with autism or my DH. My problem is that my NT needs are not met and cannot be met by my DH because he is unable to see my point of view. You have demonstrated my point for OP neatly. Thanks.

I can only give my opinion based on my experiences of my ASD husband and sons. It of course doesn't represent all experiences. All we can do is each reflect our own experiences as thats what the OP asked for in her question .

I think we do need to be careful what we say on a public forum. My dd probably has an un dx ASC but is empathetic and kind. Was described by a classmate as the kindest and most polite person she knows. She is likely to struggle finding a partner but I will continue to hold out hope that there will someone out there for her, whether ND or NT.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

You were the one who told autistic people not to read this thread. But sure, I’m making your point for you?

@Alpines you’ve already had a comment deleted So perhaps you need to look at the terms in which you refer to autistic people.

@Onceuponatimethen thank you from me too. Your daughter has a wonderful mum.

This is really interesting! I've only read part way, but want to add my story before finishing reading. I am name changing, because this is very personal.

DH is not diagnosed, but we are fairly sure he would fit the criteria.

We were in an shared interest group, I was dating someone else. He found out we'd split up and sent me a letter (30 years ago) saying he couldn't live without me.

It got a bit complicated but we ended up together and married 3 years later.
The upsides- loyalty, reliability, financial stability.

The downsides, he needs quite a lot of coaching on how to handle the kids. He's a great dad but can be inclined to shout and stamp about things that really aren't that important. He was superb when they were babies and tots. Slightly unreliable if they were ill- he doesn't check in on people to see if they are ok and he hates 'making a fuss' so I was afraid he wouldn't seek help if a poorly child got very ill while I was out.

Unfortunately he doesn't process a lot of what I tell him- he operates on rails and can't easily make changes. So sex was awful. He has certain sensory issues, and I felt like a sex toy- he'd still do something after I said it hurts me not because he's an arse but because he'd get carried away. He's got no sensitivity, it's a bit all or nothing.

He also doesn't pick up on things- he's usually caught up in his own thoughts so can miss that I'm sat crying next to him.

We've worked our way through things now, I was very lonely for the first 15 odd years.

You have to be very up front, don't let anything go, and spell it out. I was brought up not to ask- it was rude and demanding to ask for things. Unfortunately unless I ask DH has no idea I want something!

Sorry to see vivarium effectively bullied on this thread, when simply sharing her difficult experience honestly and respectfully.

This is a Testimonials forum written by Neurotypicals.
theneurotypical.com/testimonials.php

It makes illuminating reading. It is clear that many NTs experience alot of trauma in these relationships.

As regards the beginning of relationships OP, I suppose what you would call the 'honeymoon period' normally, I have often wondered this myself. In the testimonials on Neurotypical.com, a contributer referred to the initial "love-attention" in romance as just "obsession"; and it soon wears off, but there are other views on this.

DS1, who shares many qualities with his dad, has decided not to have a relationship- too complicated, too hard. He likes not needing to think hard about someone else.

He is a lovely young man, and it makes me sad, but that is his preference. He has grown up much more aware of his strengths and weaknesses than DH. We've done lots of coaching around how to behave in certain situations. He's so patient with older people and children- he is in tech support and great at helping people with IT problems and everything else.

He says that one day he may become a foster carer, and he'd be really good.

I'm not keen on that site Sparkly for all the reasons Pps have said. It's not that I don't recognise what they are saying, but they are speaking about a specific situation which while it's quite common doesn't mean it's the truth for all NT/ND relationships. And they do tend to generalise and say 'don't do it, run, etc' which is unhelpful. There are more productive ways to discuss it I feel.

I'd never say avoid a relationship with someone. I would say read up, ask them their take on things, and take it slow. DH doesn't read up because he hasn't got a problem, it's me that's dissatisfied! Classic!

Interesting opinion, pickle. I've only read the testimonials on that website. There are I'm sure relationships that work between NTs and ASDs, and I'm glad to see you're in one of them, but I think it is important also to highlight starkly all the ways in which it can not work, IYSWIM. This kind of information, education and testimonial is hard to find, as most of the focus is on the person with autism, and the adjustments NTs need to make.

I would say our relationship didn't work for many years, but we grew through it. It isn't a perfect relationship, it is the best it can be for us. If I'd read those testimonials when I was 30 I may well have jumped ship.

What would be helpful are accounts from NT and ND people of adjustments they make that allow them to build the best relationship they can. Then people reading can choose if they are prepared to make similar adjustments, and accept similar compromises.

I think there is no shortage of material on how NTs can make adjustments and concessions to living with someone with ASD. And I think simple practical ones are probably possible. But I'm not convinced that "connection" - which is at the heart of the matter - is so simply sorted. People are "hard-wired" whether NT or ASD, and you could argue its cruel in fact to force them to be what they are not. Nor does everyone have to be in a relationship.

The most important thing, as you said earlier, is for people to do what they think is best for them, and having access to as much information that makes that possible. As the OP is trying to do here - with all the different experiences described.

Wow! Since when is telling an Op to run from a relationship worthy of being deleted? How exactly did that violate the talk guidelines? Come on Mumsnet! That's bullshit.

Except you didn’t say that Alpines, you made the unsubstantiated and generalising statement that autism gets worse as autistic people get older and that on that basis the OP should run away.

I applaud mumsnet for not allowing such a damaging and inaccurate statement

Of course anyone should get out of an unsatisfactory relationship, irrespective of whether they are neurotypical or neurodiverse. But that’s not what you said.

Ok my above post (17:01) is now redundant as the post to which I was referring has been deleted. Thank you @MNHQ.

Be careful you arent actually just dealing with a narcissist. A few of the ppl on here sound like they are and have just assumed asbergers.

I believe (not an expert if course,but do have a family member with it) I've came across 2 or 3 ppl with autism in dating. They were socially awkward on the dates, didn't understand my cues I suppose. One wouldn't make eye contact. Another only spoke yes/no. A third was chatty but shouted his conversation in parts (he had dyspraxia I think too though). That kinda thing.

A bit if overtexting and struggle with boundaries too I suppose. Not to be confused with narcissistic love bombing.

But if you are using words like 'whirlwind' though...I'd bet it is more likely you are dating a narcissist. There are loads more of them (or similar) about than there are ppl with aspergers. At least, I've seen far more of them whilst dating.

And I think ppl that dont recognise those signs and just think 'that behaviour is a bit off' are too quick to jump on the idea of autism when infact, theres something much darker going on.

There we go, Sparkly, my feelings about the situation are not asked about, they are decided for me, as are my motivations. This is familiar and it is wearing.

Sara Hendrickx works in autism, and is herself ND. She said to me that the NT partner just had to accommodate the ND partner's needs, that nothing else would work.

I was sure that she was wrong, that my husband would step up and learn to do what I needed him to do - just like he can learn to do all sorts of things. He has not.

I do not know whether that is an AS trait or dickhead trait, frankly, I spend a lot of time trying to work out whether my husband's behaviour is due to being wired differently or due to being an arse.

It is, of course, possible that he is both.

Ahhhhh this thread is exactly why the OP should run. It's so reminiscent of my bloody marriage. There are rules. His rules. They will be folllowed or he will freak out and curl in a ball which super handy when you have kids. He will argue and argue and tell me I have no right to feel how I feel because I don't have a properly cited reference page for the conversation. It's so fucking soul destroying. I have to manage myself hard and make huge accommodations. I'll be damned if I'll be told my opinion isn't valid here. The OP asked what it was like from the perspective of an NT partner. We are answering the damn question. I started out in autism support group with 12 women all married toASD men. I'm the last one still married. I'm absolutely sure there are ASD men out there who manage in a relationship with an NT women with children but I've yet to come across one in real life where the NT woman is remotely happy. The with children bit is key. Once we had kids his traits became wayyyy more pronounced. I realised he had very little sense of danger. He would never mean to hurt them but he did. There's no malice but it means nothing to the children. It's just so so hard.

I found that he wasn't very forthcoming about the future of the relationship. We had an awful lot in common so conversation wasn't an issue at all, luckily.
I'm terrible at communication too, so it caused us a few issues. It took him well over 6mths to admit he loved me and I'd almost got to the point of ending it as I didn't think he really cared.
He's not open about much but if I ask him a question he will give me a straight answer and wouldn't lie to give himself an easier life like my previous BF would have.