Oh God, what have I done?

[Observer123]

On Saturday, I told my DP of 10 years that i wanted to separate. Today, we were discussing the ins and outs of selling the house. What jobs we would have to do, how we were going to divide up the furniture, where we were each going to live afterwards. I just crumbled. I haven't stopped crying, have had to pull myself back from a panic attack 3 times tonight, and I feel physically sick to my stomach.

I don't know if I want to do this anymore. Yes we've got our problems, but our relationship on the whole isn't awful. I love him. So much. I made a list a few weeks ago of all the negative things in our relationship, and what the positives would be if we split. I'm reading them back now and it's like someone else has written them about someone's else's relationship.

I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. I know only I can make this decision, I'm really just looking for a hand hold

Surely my extreme emotional reaction means I'm not 100% sure about splitting? When I ended things on Saturday, I expected to feel relief. Instead, I was just numb.

Sorry, everyone. I'm not really sure what the point was of this post. I just needed to get it out.

It sounds like you're not sure, that's really tough. Can you share what the reasons were? If anything to do with abuse or nastiness from him then plough on ahead with the separation. If it's something else then I'd perhaps pause and try to access some counselling to work though your reasons and come to a decision that you're happy to be final.

What were the reasons you wanted to separate? Why did you expect to feel relief? It’s normal to feel numb after a massive life decision. And grief. Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the wrong decision

That's the issue I suppose.. no nastiness or abuse. Laziness, complacency, no drive or motivation from him. I just got fed up. Lack of passion or intimacy. We haven't had sex for years and I'm not sure if I'm sexually attracted to him anymore.

I can't imagine being with anyone else though.

We've had 3 sessions with a counsellor now. He says he will change, be more proactive and forthcoming. I brushed it off as false promises and went ahead with the separation anyway. Now I'm beginning to wonder if I should give us a 2nd chance.

The old saying. ‘if in doubt, do nowt‘. could be worth considering here. I haven’t been in this situation, but indecision can play havoc with emotions. The decision you are facing is one of life’s biggies, stop, and be absolutely certain before any step is taken. Following conversations already had with your husband, he will be conflicted also, if he will talk that’s going to help a lot. Don’t hang in there because the future looks too frightening to contemplate, but also don’t stay accepting bad treatment with little chance of improvement. Sincerely, I wish you well.

There's a lot of different aspects to breaking up. When you made your list, did you consider 'Massive emotional upheaval' and all the practical changes, or did you just detail the actual relationship itself?

Your focus will have changed. But, the relationship would be the same if you went back to it. If you're hoping he would change, then you don't accept him the way he is. Keep this in mind.

I don't think your current turmoil necessarily means that you feel you've made the wrong decision, but more that it's big and scary to break up.

@Observer123
Don't panic ! You're human, and the fact that you are having second thoughts proves you are not cold hearted.
What was your DP's reaction when you told him? Was he shocked, or cold and clinical?
If he appeared suprised, then it sounds like it's not what he really wants either, and the relationship could recover, if you both want it to.
Whatever the future holds, you don't have to decide everything in minute detail all at once. Just let the dust settle and breathe. Best wishes to you

Hi @Observer123,

I hear you, just under 4 weeks ago I agreed to separated with my partner of 10 years. We have drifted over the last 12 months, I have had this nagging felling for a while, I didn’t feel relief at first, in truth I felt utter devastation. Give yourself time, don’t rush the process. Our relationship isn’t bad or nasty and that’s making it harder to separate. I’m completely broken and now going to see a counselor, it’s the only way I can get some thoughts. I’m here if you want to chat.

Ask him if he wants to try again but more sex

Surely my extreme emotional reaction means I'm not 100% sure about splitting?

No, not really. It just means you have human emotions.

We grow attached to the familiar, even if it's not great or right for us, and we grieve for losses even when in the long run it is better for us to lose those things.

To put things in perspective, even women leaving violent and abusive reactions have the emotional response you have had and talk about expecting to feel relief but it not being there - it's still right for them to leave their relationships. (I was one of them).

You decided your relationship isn't right for your life. I actually think you have significant reasons for your decision.

Feeling sad about a holiday ending doesn't mean you refuse to go home. It's an emotion, it will pass.

I didn't consider any of it, I just saw myself happy in my own little house without him there to make a mess of the place and moan about stuff.

The reality is, he moved out to his mum's for 2 weeks and although I didn't miss him, I wasn't happy either. I got to cook what I wanted and eat when I wanted, but it was the same amount of mess being generated and life wasn't this happy little bubble like I imagined. In fact, it just made me acutely aware of the fact I have very few friends (who obviously have their own lives and issues) and no family.

No, I'm not willing to accept the way he is, he's lazy and does nothing around the house. Would it be wrong to expect him to change that?

It is big and scary, but even scarier to wonder if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life.

What was your DP's reaction when you told him? Was he shocked, or cold and clinical?

He was devastated. Says it all came as a surprise to him. When he was talking about the ins and outs of the house though, he suddenly changed and became very Matter of Fact. Something that I've never seen him do before. It made me angry in a way, because he will put DIY projects off for months, years. And to hear him talking about doing it all within a week to get the house on the market...

Hi @Biscuitlover20 I'm sorry to hear that you're going through the same thing. My relationship isn't bad or nasty either, in fact we get on really well.

Why don't you say all of these things to him?

For various reasons, I gave my dh a "sort yourself out or you're not going to be able to live here any more" ultimatum last autumn and it seems to be the kick up the arse he needed. He's tried so hard, especially since he's been furloughed and I've been working a lot more. I sometimes wonder if I gave him the ultimatum too late, if my feelings for him will ever be what I want them to be again but, like you, I can't imagine growing old with anyone else either.

Sounds like it's not the action of splitting up that's so much the issue (if you haven't had sex for years.... Yeah no), it's the inaction of not getting out there and getting a life.
Of course it being lockdown is a bit of a hurdle there but you can still go out and exercise, you can meet people (one at a time & at bellowing distance). Have a think about what you really want (If it really IS "a lazy lodger who doesn't pay rent" them maybe get a CAT) and start planning.

I sometimes wonder if I gave him the ultimatum too late, if my feelings for him will ever be what I want them to be again

This is a huge worry for me too. At the moment I have no sexual desires towards him. I don't know if that will ever come back. There's so much resentment there.

How long has it been since he promised to change? And what steps has he taken? What's his excuse for never doing anything around the house?

Get out of there before it gets worse.

I'm guessing the relief was because you've been feeling like this for a while and were putting it off and I'm also guessing you were really hoping that he'd suddenly change his complacent ways and FIGHT for you and your relationship - when he didn't, you felt let down, left out and alone, so now you want to grab him straight back, as he's all you've known for over a decade.

It made me angry in a way, because he will put DIY projects off for months, years. And to hear him talking about doing it all within a week to get the house on the market

My XH did the same, suddenly became super Dad - took the kids to the park for the first time ever, sat and watched a movie with them, told me he could sit down with me and help me sort out benefits claim etc - i felt like it was a ploy to prove to me that I’d made a mistake, it wouldn’t have come without the divorce announcement and it wouldn’t have lasted.

You’re bound to feel emotional, it’s the end of an era. You’ll be grieving the relationship you wished you had, not the one you actually had. Which sounds a bit shit frankly - sorry!

Yes, without him there it will feel empty and quiet. It’s not a magic fix. But without him hanging around your neck you can make room for friends, hobbies and in time, a new man if you want to.

How long has it been since he promised to change? And what steps has he taken? What's his excuse for never doing anything around the house?

3 weeks ago when I dropped the "I'm not happy anymore" bomb on him. No steps taken as yet because I got him to move out to his mum's for that duration.

His "excuse" is he doesn't "see" the mess and if I were to just give him a list, he would "try" to "train himself" into doing the housework regularly. (I've always refused, because he is a near 40yo man, not a 14yo who needs it written down)

It also came out in the counselling sessions that the reason he doesn't do housework, is because when he was a child, his mum used to always criticise his efforts to clean his room so felt that whatever he did wasnt good enough.
I'm not sure how much of this to believe and how much he's just using as a cop-out.

Did he move to his mother's house during lockdown OP? eek!...🤐

i felt like it was a ploy to prove to me that I’d made a mistake

This had crossed my mind too. He said to me last week, "now you know once we put the house on the market, there's no going back don't you? I just don't want you sitting there in your little flat in 2 or 3 months time and regretting your decision...."

He did, yes. I know it was wrong. I just needed time and space to think.

Hmmm OP,
None of us can tell you of course, and I do think it is natural to have conflicting emotions when making a big decision. I also think it is natural for your ex to bring different parts of him out (like some coping practical part) when faced with crisis. Neither of these things mean you have made the wrong decision.

That said, three weeks between first alert and first counseling session, and final decision is pretty quick..... I can understand you not seeing much progress in that time - especially if he is adapting to having moved out also in that time...

All I can suggest is to think beyond the immediate....close your eyes and imagine yourself at your next big birthday (5-10 years from now). Deep down would you like him to be there at your side if that were possible.... or would you like a new kind of life?

Reasons for leaving: You don’t have sex, you’re not attracted to him, you don’t miss him when he’s not there and he doesn’t pull his weight.

Reasons for staying: you don’t have many single friends

I think the latter is more easily sorted...

Bite the bullet, OP. There's one thing for certain - virtually no men make changes unless they really have to after the age of 40. If you cave in now he'll know he doesn't really have to change. The message you'll send him is that you'll put up with it.

Change is always difficult but you're young enough to move on now and create a life that's happier with someone who suits you better.