Oh God, what have I done?

[Observer123]

On Saturday, I told my DP of 10 years that i wanted to separate. Today, we were discussing the ins and outs of selling the house. What jobs we would have to do, how we were going to divide up the furniture, where we were each going to live afterwards. I just crumbled. I haven't stopped crying, have had to pull myself back from a panic attack 3 times tonight, and I feel physically sick to my stomach.

I don't know if I want to do this anymore. Yes we've got our problems, but our relationship on the whole isn't awful. I love him. So much. I made a list a few weeks ago of all the negative things in our relationship, and what the positives would be if we split. I'm reading them back now and it's like someone else has written them about someone's else's relationship.

I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. I know only I can make this decision, I'm really just looking for a hand hold

Surely my extreme emotional reaction means I'm not 100% sure about splitting? When I ended things on Saturday, I expected to feel relief. Instead, I was just numb.

Sorry, everyone. I'm not really sure what the point was of this post. I just needed to get it out.

That said, three weeks between first alert and first counseling session, and final decision is pretty quick..... I can understand you not seeing much progress in that time - especially if he is adapting to having moved out also in that time...

Truth be told, I didn't want to see progress. It was first alert to him, but I've been feeling this way for over a year. Even if he did miraculously step up and become Superman around the house, I wonder if it's too little too late in my mind.

The thing that jumped out at me is you refusing to help him with a list of jobs.

Yes, I agree he’s a 40 year old man and it’s not rocket science, but if he’s never done it before and doesn’t “see” the mess, why not help him know (and therefore meet) your expectations ?

I know many useless men - some lazy, some raised that way by over “helpful” mothers. But that’s not the issue - what is, is whether they care enough about you to compromise and try to change. And that works both ways - maybe you need to lower your standards and he needs to raise his.

My DH is useless at seeing (or maybe caring about) stuff in the way I do. We argued over it quite a lot. So we sat down, discussed all the chores that needed doing, how often and what jobs each of us would prefer. We wrote a list and he generally sticks to it. We argue over it much less (very rarely in fact).

I cannot understand why you wouldn’t help him out if he’s willing to change. Many men have been raised useless and if you’ve always done stuff for him, he’s had no reason to learn. Now he’s asked you to help him to learn and you’ve refused. Just because you think he should know, and you’ve probably got idealised ideas of living on your own. Seems quite a childish position to take to me.

Relationships take work and compromise from both of you. You need to think about what you want, how you’re willing to work towards getting there and what you want / expect from your DH if you wish to continue in your relationship.

One last thing - I know of two marriages in my circle fairly recently where the woman has suddenly decided their DHs are useless and the grass is greener. The DHs were upset but accepted it and moved on/out with quite a pragmatic attitude. In both cases the women regretted their actions as life was actually a lot worse / harder (although not told their ex-DHs as the men had moved on). I’d personally make very sure I was unhappy in my marriage and that it couldn’t be saved by work from both of us before I made the decision to leave my DH. I wouldn’t base it on some lovely peaceful vision of a life sat in my perfect flat with no one there to share it with.

Thank you everyone for all your messages, they have helped me so much. I was just in complete panic mode before.

I've decided to go with the "if in doubt, do nowt" approach for the rest of this week. I'll let him start packing and decluttering like he said he would, while I have a quiet think to myself.

I'm on my period right now so I imagine that's playing havoc with my emotions too... I'll see how I'm feeling about things once I've had a chance to let it sink in.

No, I'm not willing to accept the way he is, he's lazy and does nothing around the house. Would it be wrong to expect him to change that

Yes. He doesn't meet your needs by being his authentic self. The two of you have different standards. If he changes, it'll be because he's living up to your standards rather than his own. Resentment will come, or he'll revert to type. Either way, it won't work.

BluntAndToThePoint80
You've given me something to think about, thank you.

The reason I'm refusing to write a list for him is because I was also raised "useless" I wasn't taught how to vacuum or do laundry, or keep a house tidy. My parents didn't teach me, I had to learn for myself. Then when we moved into this house together, I felt a sense of pride in keeping the house tidy. I've told him I feel upset that he doesn't also feel that pride.

My standards are quite high, I admit.

Marriage is for life, I think. Where there is no infidelity or abuse; it’s certainly worth working at. You aren’t sure, and you haven’t really explored counselling. Give counselling a proper go and write out what you need from him, see if he is able to stick to it now he’s had a bit of a kick up the arse.

Best of luck OP

Yes absolutely agree with @crispysausagerolls if he’s not cheated or abused you then you must stay with him unhappy for ever. It’s the done thing

You have no sexual desire for him and are resentful, that's very very hard to change.

But change is scary, leaving is scary, doesn't mean its the wrong thing though

"Truth be told, I didn't want to see progress. It was first alert to him, but I've been feeling this way for over a year. Even if he did miraculously step up and become Superman around the house, I wonder if it's too little too late in my mind."

--- yeah , this and not wanting to give him clear instructions, .... it does feel a bit like you don't want him to succeed and are not willing to help him succeed. - you just want him to feel the way you do (Eg pride in the house) and work it out on his own. That's maybe fine - perhaps just an indication that you are doing the right thing for both of you, because this isn't the right guy..... or it may indicate something about how you do relationships that is a bit unrealistic?

BluntAndToThePoint I agree with your post and find it interesting that 2 of your friends actually found their lives harder after they had split with their partners. I think many people believe that single life is similar to when they were living at home with parents I.e. very little responsibility and freedom to do whatever they like etc. The reality is often far from this when single people have the sole responsibility of running and financing a home particularly when children are involved. Clearly I’m making a generalisation and obviously if DV is involved then that is completely different.
Observer123 I think you are making the right decision in holding fire for the time being as you are obviously not 100% sure you are making the right one.

OP - I do understand where you’re coming from. I can see both sides.

I do agree that marriages should be worked at, in many cases a lot harder than people Sometimes want to work having been sold some idyllic fantasy of love and romance, but also there can come a point where things have just gone too far and no amount of counselling can help.

You’ve got a lot of thinking to do and some therapy to explore I think. I sometimes suffer to from having high standards, the idea that my way is the only / best way, and unreasonable expectations of others. If you are asking too much and he’s giving too little, you both need to meet in the middle or it will never work.

Personally, I wouldn’t give up on a marriage unless I knew I had tried everything i could to save it. It only you’ll know in your heart if it’s salvageable.

I’m not sure about this op. It doesn’t sound to me like anything other than you’re scared to be alone so you’ll keep him to avoid it,

I’m not sure that’s fair on either of you. Stay with him if you love him and want to make it work.

But don’t stay with him because you’ve not got many friends and make just as much mess on your own.

@Nannewnannew

Yup. In one she wanted to have the youth she never got to have after getting pregnant quite young. She didn’t realise her “mum” nights out, while fun once in a while, weren’t going to be a weekly (or more) occurrence as her new friends wanted to spend time with their own families. Her finances dipped quite considerably as she’d been financed by her DH for years (although he provided for the kids very well, that gravy train ended with the kids preferring their father to her and their age - one is going off to uni now and is financed by their dad directly now with the other not far behind). Her house is much smaller, car worse and not frequently replaced etc...

The other decided her lovely, genuine DH lacked ambition. He was a highly paid professional (think GP, general dentist etc) but she was more ambitious (think aiming for consultant type role) and it wasn’t good enough for her. She forgot his flexibility and finances made it easy for her to study, do on call etc and look after the kids.

Such a shame.

I think youre making things in your head seem not so bad because youre scared of being alone-you dont fancy him you dont do anything you dont really want to be with him

you cant stay just because he hasnt been abusive-i also dont believ ein giving people lists to do because theyve never done it before its pathetic

@GabsAlot

Yup - much better to end a marriage than help someone out.

Observer

I could have written your post. I'm in exactly the same position. Married for 22 years 2 DD's. Not awful, not abusive, not nasty just unhappy, no passion, no want for intimacy. I told him he was shocked, I left he is still shocked, devastated, heartbroken and so am I. Eldest daughter is coping okay and understands and is talking/seeing me a lot but youngest one will have none of it.

So, after a few weeks on my own I realise that I actually do miss him but not sure whether I'm just missing my life as I knew it and the familiarity of everything :(

Its so very difficult to separate your emotions and I think the only thing that will do that is time/counselling etc. I have decided that I and gonna go through marriage counselling and have messaged him to tell him this. A phone call from ensued which turned into a heated discussion about my youngest followed by him saying just give me a few days to think about it followed by another message saying yes he would like to try :( He does my frigging head in and the youngest one is his alter ego!

I'm flipping exhausted with the whole thing and quite honestly I'm so pleased I'm out of it at the moment as I couldn't cope with the stress of him getting himself ariated over the kids!

Take your time observer theres no rush, you obviously need time to work through your emotions and that's fine Rome wasn't built in a day so they say.

Here for you if need me x

Yes absolutely agree with @crispysausagerolls if he’s not cheated or abused you then you must stay with him unhappy for ever. It’s the done thing

For goodness sake! Hyperbolic or what? Of course she shouldn’t be unhappy, but I also think it’s reasonable to actually try counselling and explore all the options if she isn’t sure. People go through phases of unhappiness in their life - sometimes due to their partner but also just because they are unhappy. It would be a shame
To
Throw away a marriage and find out a few years later it wasn’t the cause of the problem.

I also dont believ ein giving people lists to do because theyve never done it before its pathetic

Really? You don’t think it’s worth exploring very simple avenues in order to see if it helps to save your marriage? It’s a bit pathetic, yes, but not everyone in this world is the same. Some people really do need help or a push to do thing.

See this about why giving people lists of tasks makes you both project manager and worker. www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic#img-1

OP, if you are really not sure would you consider more counselling with him? With very clear boundaries of being equal partners and equally responsible for getting tasks done within a reasonable timeframe.

The lack of sexual interest, it's not necessarily lost forever. If you could see him as a willing and responsible mate, not a burden, it could return.

Best wishes.

How old are you OP and do you have kids?

I think your expectations of the ending might have been a bit high ie. I think its natural to grieve for the end of a relationship and be sad about it. Your reasons for ending it are valid and you felt strongly enough to end it. We always reconsider big decisions dont we and wonder if we did the right thing. Its also v scary being on your own.

I understand the laziness fully. It makes you feel so resentful that they think because they don’t want to do it that you will. That’s how I see it, that they only want to do what they want to do. Had it in my marriage and it made me really resent my ex, so made me a nag and him just resent me for being a nag. I constantly had a long face. Lazy men will just look ugly in the end and no wonder you don’t want to sleep with him! His attitude stinks-I hate the words I will try it’s a complete cop out. X

This might not sound nice but the reality is once it’s been said, that’s it. The choice is no longer yours alone. Perhaps you should have planned some time away without the mention of separation, even a week away with friends first. See if you missed him. Once it comes out the trust goes from both sides and it’s very hard to come back from, he’ll question why you changed your mind for a long time and you’ll always wonder what would happen if you split. You’ve made your bed. By saying it like you have, you’ve lost options that were available. Go with your gut people say, if it feels wrong, probably is. You’ll have to live with that and get used to it. That’s reality

@Eckhart

That's the exact situation I'm in now, thank you for explaining it to me! DH is trying really hard and I wondered why he's occassionally acting how I asked him not to - it's because those are the times he's being himself. Shit. What do I do now?

If in doubt , do nowt

I also agree with this . I hated my arsehole ex and had NO doubts

If you love him , and if he is good maybe try . I’m not saying that because having a man is the b all and end all

But if you are devastated —- well don’t

Sit tight , it’s a strange time to make a
Major decision