How often and why we should talk about ex ?

[Anditi]

I m in a relationship living in with my bf for 1 year and half and date previously 8 month. We are different nationalities whit 19 years age gap . He has this " habit" every time when we take a walk whit friends to mention his ex girlfriend : we used to live in this house , we used to walk the dog here , we used to ... Have passed 7 years and he still mentioned her every time. It affects me and I have told him ... he tells me sarcastically .... sorry if I had relationship ... it s just normal . Is it me limiting his free of speech or is something deeper? I wouldn't mind if would mention and other relationship or ex gf ... but is just one wich lived together just one year and half. Any ideas I m starting to get frustrated!

I wouldn't like this. My OH and I met when we were adults and each had significant previous relationships. He's still friends with two of his and I am friends with one of mine. We very rarely talk about them in the past tense and refer back to old days.

Oh gosh I feel your pain - see my thread posted today if you want to see just how much I feel your pain!! I’m so sick of hearing about his ex, it’s not even funny.

When I tell him other people don’t have to deal with this he insists they do. That anyone with children will have an ongoing relationship with their ex. Yes of course they will need to be in contact, but honestly, I don’t need to hear about her when you phone me, I don’t need to hear her bloody loud voice on FaceTime when he speaks to his DCs and she’s shouting in the background. I don’t need to hear all about her mum, and her mum’s food preferences and bowel movements. It’s like they’re his actual family. I don’t hear about his dad, his brothers and their kids. It’s always ex and her family. I’m at the end of my tether with it tbh.

As for ideas... I just told him all of that - I don’t need to hear all about her every time we speak! He told me to fuck off and we haven’t spoken since, so as a strategy it’s not ideal, but I couldn’t hold it in any longer!

Waw... It make me think that maybe is it me then I have this ideea... doesn't mater how much you loved and how long you ve been together ... it didn't work ... you have to erase everything. Is no point mentioning all time just one relationship

Well! I ve mentioned this many times... I m not interested to hear about his ex gf ... they are no children involved , I wouldn't never accepted because I know how complicated would be and luckily neither of us wants children. Makes ever what we do and our fun like being shared with his ex and being 3. Any fights wouldn't help ... because his very defensive and he had relationship . We all had it darling ... I just prefere not to mention what didn't work out in the end .

I ve got the same reaction ... he told me to fuck off and the fact that my problem is I m too jealous. I would happily done it in the dating process . I think it was a manipulative process here because in 8 month of dating he never mentioned his ex. After I quit my country, my job, my flat then his memories whit his ex kick in. You ve been so hurt that you can carry for a long time.

What countries are you both from?
Did you move to his country to be with him?

Hes not over his ex! This is not ok..

After I quit my country, my job, my flat then his memories whit his ex kick in

That’s awful. At least if he’d always been like that you’d have known early on what he’s like. (Although you’d probably still have hoped he’d move on at some point!)

If you split up would you move back to your home country (after lockdown) or stay there?

I m Eastern Europe and he is British and I moved in his country. I m not intended to split up or to create fights (at least in my position). I would be very happy if I could come with a subtle sarcastic line that maibe with the time he will get it. I ve try every time to push it over the edge and he said I m over it, i can feel guilty I had a relationship but for me looks like is stuck in that one year and half. If is to have another serious conversation I don't know how to serious put the problem.

Reframe your thinking about this.

Remove the subject of his comments (his ex) and think about his actions.

He's repeatedly doing something you have told him makes you unhappy.

Instead of apologising and trying not to do it, he responds with sarcasm.

And continues to do it.

Do you think that you really want a long term future with someone who you have to continually remind not to do something that makes you unhappy, even though it's a very easy thing to not do?

I wouldn't.