Started dating 50yo who doesn't look after himself - winner or loser?

[LargeHadron]

Would you continue dating a 50-something year old man who's not interested in looking after his health? He goes without food for up to 12 hours but doesn't even eat properly when he finally gets round to eating, and has a list of health issues which scream 'diabetes' which he refuses to check out. We're still at the friends stage but the relationship is developing nicely, and the eating/health issue is now unavoidable - it's a subject I've raised but I don't want to tell him how to live his life so I'm keeping quiet now. I know this sounds selfish, but I really don't want to take on another dependent in addition to my teenage kids, plus I also worry about how this might affect any possible sex life if our friendship were to progress. I really, really like the man, but I'm wary about both short-term and long-term consequences of his lack of care, and I would really value some opinions on this.

TheStoic - from what he's told me so far, his symptoms are permanently dry mouth, insatiable thirst, blurred vision, severe night sweats, joint pain, periods of confusion. His mother and sibling both have type 2 diabetes. Apologies if my ignorance offends - my only reference has been the internet, and the information can vary widely between different sources. Diabetes or not, the poor guy has got something going on.

Regarding my comment about presenting myself in a good light, I meant that in the early stages of a new relationship people tend to make a little more effort because they want to attract their date. Regularly telling someone you feel ill because you haven't eaten for so long or that you feel like a zombie all the time because you don't sleep, while refusing to do anything about it...well, while I sympathise, it doesn't really give the impression he wants to attract me (other than as a carer).

Even if he really is into me, it doesn't bode well for a happy sex life or relationship. What other health issues will he brush under the carpet as he gets older? Does he really have so little regard for himself that he doesn't care about his[our] future, and why?

I don't think I'm overreacting but, of course, it's also possible that I'm very strange indeed : )

Fast forward the tape: you may end up being the one nursing him through these self-inflicted health issues and possibly resenting him for it. Do you want that to be your old age?

Yeh op that's a good point, you will likely end up being his carer. Which ok, ppl are all to happy to do for those they love. But if you knew it was coming, before even starting a relationship...sorry, but it would be mad to choose that life.

Bunnymumy - yep, that's the conclusion I'm coming to

Do you think he might have an eating disorder?

Tiredanddangerous - I think it's a case of 'the less you eat, the less you want to eat' as well as digestive issues arising from his irregular eating habits. Plus he doesn't cook for himself (which I can understand). I don't think it's an eating disorder

What do you think it is about his personality that means he won't go to the doctor when he has so many red flags with regard to his health??? Those symptoms you mentioned are huge

Chamomileteaplease - I think he has low self-worth and puts everybody else before himself.

Maybe it just means he doesnt want to go to the doctor. Perhaps because the doctor will make him take tablets he doesn't want. Or, call him out on his bullshit because he is actually just a hypochondriac.

Either way, dont be a fixer.

Probably just needs some structure his life.

I would not date someone who needed me to structure his day for him. And at 50, he's unlikely to let OP boss him about anyway.

Re: men and doctors. One reason why men die younger than women, and why single men die younger than married men, is because men are very heavily socialized not to ask for help. We've seen ad campaigns around normalising mental health support for men, but we need them around physical health as well. Toxic masculinity is literally killing them. Women are much better at help-seeking (what kind of response they get when they do is a whole other issue).

I wouldn't be with a 'foodie', not as a friend or lover. I can't stand people who bang on and on about food all the time, going into raptures over it. We're all different. Not directed to you, OP but to other posters posturing about it as if it's something desirable. I might be - for them.

You're at the friendship stage, why not just let it rest there? Despite the many good qualities you've said he has, this one seems to be a deal-breaker for you and many people do like to share meals together. If you're not able to let him be about that then I would say just keep it to friendship.

IT might be.

I wouldn't but, as always, I'll add the caveat that: 'I am not you'.

I'd be looking to date someone who would their five a day without needing to be reminded

No. Absolutely not. The fact he doesn't look after himself speaks to other issues around liking himself. If he can't look after himself I would wonder how he can be emotionally there for you.

Oh. Well, those new symptoms you've just listed in your latest post, sounds very like it!

No, I wouldn't. Does he drink?

If he has low self esteem and doesn't care about himself, how would he be able to care about you?

You don't respect/admire him. Tell him he ought to go to the doctor. Then spend your time on someone else.

OP, it seems like you should stay in the friendship zone for now. You seem to like him alot.

Does he also think this friendship has the potential to develop into an intimate relationship, is it discussed?

And have you said you are concerned abt his health already? You probably don't want to be blunt & speak of wanting to avoid being in a carer role any time soon. But perhaps let him know what is of concern as a friend could be a source of huge stress & anxiety for a partner. You would resent it if this was piling on & could be eased by him gping to appointments or taking meds if needed.

The irregular mealtimes of itself would not be a dealbreaker for me...I am not rigid about it myself as I sometimes forget when immersed in work. That being said I do not deny myself when I am hungry, I mostly eat a balanced diet & maybe treat myself a little too often. If he is not eating properly & then complaining about food related issues or other potentially serious issues without getting medical advice, then something is amiss. I can understand shaking off a symptom that is shortlived & not repeated...but if he has frequent & varied health problems & is doing nothing at all to help himself, then he very potentially has unresolved emotional isseues that could cause you trouble ahead..

fasting is good for you

Or is a daft fad for privileged women who are easily swayed by airhead celebrities.

Maybe.

No I don't think I couldn't respect someone who got themselves into such a state.

No ones perfect and we can all make improvements, but this is serious self-inflicted neglect and obviously deep rooted.

If you want to help/save him, I think it would be like trying to push water up hill.

Do you know what his living conditions are like? Probably quite dire if he is poorly/lacks energy (personally that would also be a huge turn off for me).

Not eating for 12 hours is perfectly normal surely! That's just eating dinner fairly early at 6 something pm then breakfast at 7am

So he'd never take you out for a meal then? I LOVE going out for meals, trying new restaurants, just spending hours over a nice dinner and a bottle of wine watching the world go by...

Unless you hate eating outside the home, would his behaviour not damn you to eternal TV dinners alone if you were a couple?

And yes, you can't change him at 50, and neither should you have to.

If he's diabetic, he needs to be self - disciplined about eating and medication. Bloody nightmare to live with, otherwise. Not recommended , one star.

Difficult to know what he would be like if he lived with someone. I am a foodie and make nutritious home made food every day but must admit that when I just have to cool for myself I sometimes end up making toast etc.

My ex eats nothing except a takeaway in the evening and maybe biscuits in the day unless someone cooks for him.

My dad loves food but on the rare occasions my mum has gone away, he eats very badly.

My son loves food and can cook but is too lazy to make himself something most of the time. My daughter will make herself healthy salads, cook herself a veg chilli etc even though she's only early teens and he is late teens.

HeddaGarbled maybe educate yourself a little? Or, don't bother, just spout off about something you know nothing of. So many do.