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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my relationship odd?

55 replies

Bottomplasters · 21/05/2020 20:54

I just feel the relationship is odd and I can't work out what's going on. He is constantly miserable, everything has a negative slant. - "why have you bought that" "too much sugar". We don't do anything together or do anything together. We have a 14 year old son, when we watch films - I don't want to watch that. No consideration that I don't want to watch it either but doing all I can to engage with our son. If I try to engage our son in cooking or baking. He just follows round moaning about the mess. When I say we don't do anything together I mean nothing. No holidays, no days out. Anything I suggest he doesn't want to do it. I just find him to be pretty selfish. I feel that he makes the final descion on everything. I really want a rescue dog but he says no and I just don't know where to go with it. Do I just get on? We split everything 50/50 so the only benefit I have is we live in a nicer house than I could afford on my own. No love in this house atall.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 21/05/2020 20:57

Well, I would not accept that. Are you miserable? If so why stay?

Original poster
Bottomplasters · 21/05/2020 21:05

I'm not really miserable. I just feel I do my stuff and he does. My son asked me today if I thought hid dad was autistic. I thought no emotional intelligence or just a knob but not autistic but with his lack of emotion and fixation on things I'm now wondering

OP posts:
wishfuldreamer · 21/05/2020 22:02

I don’t think it really matters whether anyone else thinks it’s odd. If you’re happy, or not, with how things are is more important. A lot of people think the way I live my life is odd...I don’t really care :-)

Embracelife · 21/05/2020 22:05

Miserable negative moaning
Why do you stay with him?
Is it just for the house?

HollowTalk · 21/05/2020 22:08

Oh god, go for a smaller place and get your son out of there. It sounds completely miserable.

Ipadipod · 21/05/2020 22:10

Is this situation affecting your son ? He has obviously noticed that his dad is different/ miserable. Are you happy with how things are ?

Original poster
Bottomplasters · 21/05/2020 22:16

I'm ok I say. Not really getting anything out of it. But yes I stay for the house sad eh

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 21/05/2020 22:44

If your son had to make an honest choice, what do you think he'd say?

SavannahCat · 21/05/2020 23:01

Hi OP. Please split up from him. You'll be so much happier. Can you stay in the house and get him to leave?

Original poster
Bottomplasters · 21/05/2020 23:11

My son would say let's live alone but I'm always in financial fear. So I stay

OP posts:
wonderrotunda · 21/05/2020 23:23

Get your calculator out and actually confront your fears. Your son will leave in a few years (probably) have fun together! Even if he’s online with his mates you can chat between times

backseatcookers · 21/05/2020 23:26

Your son is already asking questions about why is dad isn't very kind and doesn't enjoy family life.

And you say you know your son would be be happier living with you and not him?

But you don't want to move our because it's would be financially harder for you and you love your house.

Not a parenting decision in your kids best interest really, is it?

He's 14. Honestly? He's not going to be a child for long and he'll vote with his feet for the rest of his life.

Yet you'd rather risk the next 4 years damage causing him to resent you and resign yourself to damaging his self confidence by his perceived rejection by his dad... so that you're in a less stressful financial situation and (I suppose) so you wouldn't be potentially single and supporting yourself in 4 years when your son may leave a home you could share with him only?

That's worth damaging your son's relationship with both his parents is it? That's nice for him.

converseandjeans · 21/05/2020 23:51

bottom I don't think it sounds odd as such - a lot of people post about their DP being a bit like this. However definitely not great & you should move out. You would probably be entitled to some government help I would think so you might find you're better off than you think? Ask DS honestly what he wants - he's old enough to have some opinion on it. He might be hating the atmosphere.

Original poster
Bottomplasters · 21/05/2020 23:51

@backseatcookers how said he was damaged?

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 21/05/2020 23:52

backseat that's quite harsh!

backseatcookers · 22/05/2020 00:17

⁃ My son asked me today if I thought hid dad was autistic. I thought no emotional intelligence or just a knob but not autistic but with his lack of emotion and fixation on things I'm now wondering

⁃	Your sons reason for asking this (based on your response and the information you've provided) is due to lack of emotion towards his son. He has realised his dad simply doesn’t care enough about you or him to empathise or prioritise or even compromise with either of you. 

⁃	You said your son would ideally not want to live with his dad. You were sure of that - that isn’t something most teens feel so strongly

⁃	The atmosphere is clearly tense, negative and displaying incredibly sad as you must show no affection to each other even if you do to him

⁃	<strong>We don't do anything  together or do anything together.</strong>

⁃	This is the blueprint you are showing him for his future relationship. Nothing about loving caring fun partners who are team mates and equals who compromise.

⁃	Are you showing him something that would make him happy to replicate? Or something he will thing is normal and perhaps tolerate himself. 

⁃	He even moans if your son gets to pick a film - can’t just let him ‘have’ that as a nice experience.

I presume you meant "who said he was damaged"

You didn't say it, you very clearly (and it seems unknowingly) showed it.

So I ask you back, honestly, how can you possibly think this situation isn’t damaging his relationship with you and his father, his self esteem and sense of feeling supported and his ability to navigate future relationships based on his only frame of reference for a marriage?

I am not saying this to be nasty. I’m just shocked you had to ask someone in what way this might be damaging your son.

Do you not believe it is?

Grapesoda7 · 22/05/2020 00:21

Do you think he could be suffering from long term depression?

backseatcookers · 22/05/2020 00:23

Someone said I've been harsh.

This boy and his mum clearly get on well and his dad, her husband, is miserable to be around, selfish and negative with no room to compromise or enjoy life together.

OP's closing sentence is so sad: "No love in this house atall."

She could have a home filled with love with her and her boy.

My couple of years living with mum after they split (age 16-18) were such a relief. Our home we made was loving and fun and kind and supportive. My friends loved to be around and the home had buzz and personality.

It was tiny but very us. We are still very close and mum explained (when age appropriate) what she wished she had known / felt able to do earlier. It was right for everyone involved but scary as mum was financially dependent. She initially said she stayed together so long "for me" which made me feel sad and guilty. But she explained why, I understood and respected her explaining it to me. She did best she knew how and it was late but not too late!

You could have that life OP. Think how lovely, chilling out with your boy and hearing him laugh with mates!

I adored those years. They were freedom. Sorry if I came across as unfeeling, it was badly worded enthusiasm for parents to please put their child first over a toxic situation. It's so much more damaging than people realise even when it's low level. Because it teaches us what to tolerate and accept as adults - all the wrong things!

Sorry again OP I hope I didn't upset you Thanks

Raidblunner · 22/05/2020 00:24

Jeez where's the pleasure in your miserable life. That is a sad existence staying together because you get to be in a better house than you would do being on your own. Yes to me that's very odd, but then again I don't understand the pleasure in BDSM & swinging either. Funny old world, you must think it odd or you wouldn't be asking others for their opinions either.

Gutterton · 22/05/2020 00:41

I would be moving on to give your son the opportunity of a loving, joyous, respectful home.

He doesn’t have that now - just a house devoid of love and a Mum he sees/senses as joyless and disrespected. That must be painful for him to endure.

What happens when he is an adult and moves on - will you still stay for the house?

He will be gone well before then as he will start hanging out in mates houses etc v soon - where there is kindness and warmth.

Seriously show him another way to live - you have a lot of catching up to do but you can turn this around and give him the emotional peace, stability, comfort that he needs.

It would enhance your life no end as well.

Even your DH might be relieved.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 22/05/2020 00:52

I’m with you backseat.

I have a 14 year old and just yesterday she was a baby. Before you know it your son will be starting his own life. Make the most of the time you have left.

Original poster
Bottomplasters · 22/05/2020 01:25

I hear you all. The house is full of fun and laughter and he is honestly like the grim reaper. I know I need to move on. I really do.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 22/05/2020 02:46

Get off the fence and make a stand for your life and your son's well being.

Too often, boys become just like their fathers; grumpy joyless men.

Are you working?

Original poster
Bottomplasters · 22/05/2020 02:49

@ranty go and rant off somewhere. What did I say above

Yes am working

OP posts:
alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 22/05/2020 02:57

This is no way to live your life. Get out for the sake of you and your son.

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