Is my relationship odd?

[Bottomplasters]

I just feel the relationship is odd and I can't work out what's going on. He is constantly miserable, everything has a negative slant. - "why have you bought that" "too much sugar". We don't do anything together or do anything together. We have a 14 year old son, when we watch films - I don't want to watch that. No consideration that I don't want to watch it either but doing all I can to engage with our son. If I try to engage our son in cooking or baking. He just follows round moaning about the mess. When I say we don't do anything together I mean nothing. No holidays, no days out. Anything I suggest he doesn't want to do it. I just find him to be pretty selfish. I feel that he makes the final descion on everything. I really want a rescue dog but he says no and I just don't know where to go with it. Do I just get on? We split everything 50/50 so the only benefit I have is we live in a nicer house than I could afford on my own. No love in this house atall.

Bookmark - I was brought up in a similar household but dad was verbally and physically abusive and also massive lack of money. so for me it's also really easy to just put up and it's only when I think about stuff to really ask myself. Am I happy? @Gutterton what must be deeply wounding him? @ravenmum oh give over that's the sort of shit that he would come out with

@Bottomplasters I'm divorced, with a dog. Not trying to be rude or unpleasant; trying to be helpful.

What’s wounding him - the dysfunctional home environment and the toxic non-relationship he has with his DF which includes:

His DFs rejection of him - it’s called emotional neglect.

Being seeped in negativity 24/7.

Not doing anything together as a family.

When you do anything for your DS his DF undermines and sabotages it.

The seething contempt and resentment that he is internalising.

Having a parent who deems this set up good enough for him and worth trading his emotional growth for a house.

However I am not surprised that you can’t see this because of your bad upbringing. That’s not your fault - you don’t know what you don’t know. You have given your son more than you had - but it’s a v low bar. You both deserve so much more. As you will know not being emotionally nourished properly as a child leaves you with unnecessary sadness and issues as an adult.

My mum stayed with my dad out of financial fear. I really wish she hadn't. And if she'd left when I was 14, I'd have thought she ABSOLUTELY ROCKED. Even if it would have resulted in us being very poor and having to live in a dive, I would have fully respected her opting for 'Mission Happiness'.

It doesn't matter if your relationship is odd. Who has the authority over your life to decide whether something you're doing is odd, anyway?

It only matters if you're happy.

If you grew up with a massive lack of money, it’s understandable that your financial fears are very deeply ingrained and have a powerful say in your decision-making. And your father’s behaviour was worse than your DP’s so in that sense your relationship is an improvement on what you grew up with. But it’s very far from being okay - you sound deeply unhappy and your son sounds unhappy as well. If you separated and your DP just parented part-time, he might be motivated to do a better job at it than he is now.

When I have a significant decision to make, I find it can be really helpful to imagine myself looking back at the present moment from some years in the future. If you cast your mind forward 5 or 10 years and look back, do you imagine yourself being glad that you’d stayed or wishing that you’d left? From what you’ve said, it sounds like it would be the latter but of course only you can know the answer.

Life is not a dress rehearsal - we only have one shot at it and much greater freedom than previous generations to choose how we live it.

Good luck with your decision-making.