Is my relationship odd?

[Bottomplasters]

I just feel the relationship is odd and I can't work out what's going on. He is constantly miserable, everything has a negative slant. - "why have you bought that" "too much sugar". We don't do anything together or do anything together. We have a 14 year old son, when we watch films - I don't want to watch that. No consideration that I don't want to watch it either but doing all I can to engage with our son. If I try to engage our son in cooking or baking. He just follows round moaning about the mess. When I say we don't do anything together I mean nothing. No holidays, no days out. Anything I suggest he doesn't want to do it. I just find him to be pretty selfish. I feel that he makes the final descion on everything. I really want a rescue dog but he says no and I just don't know where to go with it. Do I just get on? We split everything 50/50 so the only benefit I have is we live in a nicer house than I could afford on my own. No love in this house atall.

Your poor son. He is all but begging to get out of this miserable household.

My Dad is a bit of a miserable git. Very set in his ways. Moans a lot. Has a hobby that often dominates days out/holidays etc. I often joke about how on earth my Mum puts up with him. However they have been married 51 years. It's not always been perfect but they have learned to pootle along in their lives (tbh my Mum can be a bit set in her ways too).
I discovered a few years ago that when I was in my teens they had thought about separating but decided against it. I think to myself "thank goodness they didn't". It would of sucked from a financial and home life point of view.
My Dad has never been abusive or nasty - just an old grump.
Bottomplasters if he isn't actually abusive to you and doesn't get nasty in situations such as a messy kitchen - ie he is just commenting on it but not being angry then I don't think that sounds too terrible. If you say sometimes like "yes I know it's a mess but I am cooking so go away and find something else to do" what is his response? Would he get angry or would he just scuttle off mumbling something moany.
As long as he isn't stopping you (and your son) from doing things you enjoy and want to do and if you can put up with a bit of grumbling by mostly ignoring it then I would stay as you are. Because to be honest I think a lot of relationships are a bit like this. Learning to ignore something that's just a bit annoying and accepting each others 'funny' ways.

Just how long have you been together. If it is some considerable time, has it always been like this in your relationship, and you have just been putting up with all this not normal relationship.. A miserable partner, a son who knows how things are.

If you can't see things getting better, or improving, by talking to your partner about all the issues, then you are going to have a kind of miserable life ahead of you.

I know I need to move on. I really do.

The next step is planning. Plan your arse off. Benefits, budget, school etc. But also the fun stuff. Dog, paint colours, first night in a new place.

Then comes action.

What on earth is the point of being with him? Genuine question. What does he bring to you and your son. I assume the answer is money or a traditional setup as there’s clearly no positives at all about the actual relationship.

Could you support your son without him?

bookmum your post is one of the most depressing things I have ever read on here. Carry on with a miserable joy zombie as long as he’s not actually abusing you because it doesn’t get any better.

Jesus wept.

When you say you are staying for the house, i understand. Financial fears can be really powerful chains. They're real, but they usually hide deeper insecurities. I told my H it was over a month ago. I married too young, there's a complex story behind that and I needed therapy to address issues i'd repressed for decades. If you feel stuck, remember the material considerations will feel less important the day you really decide to be free of this marriage. The door is locked from the inside ifswim.
The key moment for me what saying 'I'd rather be poor than be with you'. I meant it. Sadly, I lost my job two weeks later and it all feels quite uncertain but the point is, I'll find work, any work. I'll cope because there's no way back. The real problem was elsewhere.
I think that's what you need to ask yourself, if that makes sense.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar at home?

Your relationship is not just merely odd; its utterly sad to read about. God knows how your son feels about you two as his parents; you are both letting him down in different ways.

Is this all you think you deserve in life?. Goodness you cannot even have a dog because he (who is the King of the Castle) says you cannot. So you're getting nothing out of this apart from a house (which after all is bricks and mortar), a household itself without love in it.

Staying to live in a nicer property is a piss poor reason for staying with this joyless man you've shackled yourself to. You've been basically saying to yourself that you have stayed for your own sake rather than your son's. You are afraid of moving on with your own life and financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis.

You really do run the risk here going forward of having your relationship with your son harmed, if not completely wreaked when he is of age and he will likely move out for good the first opportunity he gets. He won't want to see his dad very often and for that matter you either as an adult. Your son is intuitive here (but his dad is not on any ASD spectrum and why does that get mentioned nearly every time abusive behaviour is seen too?) and he knows all too well that things are not good at home. He will not say thanks mum to you for choosing to stay with such a man if you did; he will call you daft for staying at all and could accuse you also of putting your partner before him.

Bookmum

re your comment:-
"Because to be honest I think a lot of relationships are a bit like this"

Your parents relationship IS like this. Your views are so very depressing in this day and age. Emotionally healthy relationships generally are not like you describe in your post. Your parents have stayed together for their own (perhaps selfish based) reasons relating to their own comfort and being afraid to move on with their own lives.

Consider at some length what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. You do not have to repeat the same old your parents have and still do for their own reasons, you have a choice.

thepeople I am actually quite insulted by what you have said. My Dad is 'grumpy' but no one in my family is unhappy. No one is a zombie. My retired parents are busier in their lives doing things they enjoy than I ever am (in non covid times obs). Some is stuff that one just does for themselves, some are together which does sometimes involve comprises from both sides.
As I say there was a time in my parents marriage that they did have issues (when I was a teen - that in the early 90s) but they worked through it and stayed together. My Dad being like he is is just his personality. He knows he is like that. We make a family joke of it. Obviously if the OPs situation is that she is desperately unhappy and being prevented from doing things in her life then maybe her marriage needs to end but I just wanted to add a different view to all the instant LTBs that mumsnet is famous for.

That answer is also to Atilla

I believe that a relationship should add something to your life. Fun, support, love, companionship. Sounds like your partner just brings misery and negativity.

I couldn't be with someone who dragged me down so much. Life is too short. If you were single you would be able to do what you want when you want without his persistent moaning. You could be free meet someone who actually wanted to enjoy life with you.

Just ask yourself if this is really how you want to spend the rest of your life...

He does that because he can and it works for him. You are angry at the wrong person here; the people you need to be angry at are your parents for teaching you such crap lessons about relationships.

@Bottomplasters
direct that towards your sour DP

bookmum sorry you feel "insulted" -- I don't really see why you should be insulted. You've described your own father as a "miserable git" and "grumpy". Which in English means he's never prepared to stifle a gut negative reaction in order not to hurt other people's feelings, never prepared to quiet his inner whinge, never prepared to consider constructive solutions to minor niggles and never prepared to consider the impact it has on his family's happiness. I really dislike the way that for generations men have been let off the hook for this kind of behaviour on the grounds of being a "grump". It's not good enough.

You may feel that this is not an unhappy state to be in, I beg to disagree and I would respectfully suggest, as Atilla has done, that the fact that you consider this to be as good as it gets reflects a very poor bar that was set by your parents to you in raising you. You seem to consider the fact that they "worked through it" a good thing but has it never crossed your mind to wonder how much happier they would have been if they removed this millstone of a marriage from their lives?

You can make your own choices about the compromises you are prepared to accept to remain in a relationship, but I think advising other people who are clearly unhappy that this state is the best they can hope to achieve is depressing and I think you should be called on it.

I mean have none of you ever watched One Foot in the Grave. The ultimate grumpy husband.
You know I don't think my Dad watched a film with me when I was 14 (the OP said he will say "I don't want to watch that") but I don't think my Mum did much either. Does it matter if he doesn't want to watch a film? If he is taking the remote and not letting his son watch it then that is wrong. If he is just saying he doesn't want to watch but either puts up with it or goes and finds something else to do - then what's the problem. I don't want to watch my Dad's boring quiz shows. I don't want to watch boring old soaps with my Mum. I have said many a time "why do you want to watch that it's boring?" - should my parents cut off contact with me?

The OP can completely ignore me but I am just offering up a different view point. She asked for advice and opinions. I am giving my 'story'. That's all.

And my Dad doesn't "hurt people's feelings" by being grumpy.

bookmum but you're not just giving your "story", you're making a recommendation to someone based on your story:

"Because to be honest I think a lot of relationships are a bit like this. Learning to ignore something that's just a bit annoying and accepting each others 'funny' ways."

I think this is very poor advice. You've described someone in your father who, to put it as kindly as I can, sucks the life out of family life and family relationships. The Victor Meldrew character is a pretty miserable representation of what family life should be like. Of course you will never find someone with whom you share everything, people have their own tastes and couples need space. But that's a million miles away from this trope that the husband/father gets to be a miserable old bastard who is constantly putting his wife and kids down and spends most of his time trying to get away from them. You may think its normal, I think its absolutely desperate.

You then go on to say, effectively: "this is probably as good as it gets so you may as well make your peace with it".

I stand by the fact that I think this is incredibly poor advice to someone who is clearly very unhappy.

Errr the OP said she isn't unhappy in general.

bookmum

The OP says: "He just follows round moaning about the mess. When I say we don't do anything together I mean nothing. No holidays, no days out. Anything I suggest he doesn't want to do it. I just find him to be pretty selfish."

She concludes her post saying: "No love in this house atall."

Sound like a happy marriage?

Not, not to me either.

My Dad is a bit of a miserable git. Very set in his ways. Moans a lot. Has a hobby that often dominates days out/holidays etc.

Does your OH behave like this?

One Foot in the Grave - is a great example of the insidious unhappiness and stress that these types put on everyone around them. None of the other characters display an ounce of joy, hope or satisfaction in their faces which I read also to be in their hearts.

Most families are only as happy as their unhappiest member. Maybe the DHs in these situations would be much happier themselves if let free. I am assuming that the OP has encouraged her DH to consider how he impacts on his child and he has not thought it worthy of adapting.

The OP should listen and respond to the needs, wants and wishes that her son has verbally expressed. Most DCs never express that level of unhappiness - it must be deeply wounding him.

If your relationship is wobbling I would strongly advise against getting a rescue dog. Imagine if you break up; will you always be able to find someone to look after the dog every time you want to leave the house for more than a few hours? Does not sound like your dp would do anything. Imagine trying to date someone new, knowing that the dog is at home barking loudly. Can you afford to put the dog in a kennel every time you go on holiday, and will the dog be happy there? What if the dog is old or ill; who will care for it then?

I am going to leave this thread now. It's upsetting me. I haven't seen my Dad for about 8 months now. I didn't get to visit over the winter and was planning to go up at Easter - obviously that was cancelled. I would love to be up in my parents house listening to my Dad grumble and moan about the recycling/the fact that my dinner is smelly/next doors trees/the 6 o'clock news or whatever ! I am missing him a lot.

One final thing though - Gutterton to be honest in my marriage I am probably more of the Victor Meldrew one. But my husband and me are perfectly happy together.
Goodbye all.