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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Living with an alcoholic during lock down

61 replies

Lostone7799 · 21/05/2020 10:14

I'm new to this so sorry if I go on, I just needed some kind of outlet.
Myself and my partner are both at home together during lock down, he usually works away during the week so this has taken it's toll on both of us. Most of the time we have been getting on ok, but he has on the occasion got very drunk, he has a drinking problem anyway thay he won't admit too. The last couple of weeks the binge drinking has become more frequent and he gets nasty with it. I also lose it when I know he's going to be drinking and I argue and cause a scene because 9 times out of 10 I know what's going to happen. Last night for example, he went and got 8 beers, drank those and went and got another 8, we had a massive argument and I lost it with him and pushed him, I know that's so bad. He then pushed me back and smashed my mirror and threatened to smash my t.v. and trashed my bedroom.
I was very upset but managed to calm myself down, clean up and get a small amount of sleep. This morning I have woken up to him still drunk, he has also been to the shop to buy a crate of beers (24) so will probably be drinking all day and night as he doesn't know when to stop. When he does stop he will pass out and I will have to creep around the place and it's so depressing!
I'm so upset and have no where else to go as it's obviously lock down. He gets so angry and nasty when he drinks so I'm literally dreading today and tonight as he will just be more drunk. I really can't cope anymore.

OP posts:

CherryValanc · 21/05/2020 10:24

Have a look at Al-Anon, there are online discussion which may help you talk:

al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/

I know you pushed him first, and you feel guilt about that, but you can move to a different household if you feel in danger. (As could he if he wants to.)

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2020 10:30

What are you getting out of this relationship?.

There is violence here and this will not get any better for you. May I ask why you did not call the police here after the violence and trashing your bedroom to get him removed?. I presume this is because you pushed him first and therefore you think you are to blame for all subsequent events.

You can leave during lockdown and in cases where there is domestic violence and abuse its actively encouraged; where can you go to?. Can you go to your parents?. Where else is your support here?.

He is an alcoholic and his primary relationship is with drink, its not with you and its never been with you either.

Bartlet · 21/05/2020 10:30

Living with an alcoholic is awful and the only thing you can do is protect yourself and leave the situation. It won’t improve and you can’t make him stop drinking.

Can you chuck him out the property? If not, do you have anywhere you can go to in the short term whilst you sort out housing/ finances.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2020 10:31

I would also suggest you contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to people affected by another's persons drinking. Your own recovery from his alcoholism and violence stemming from that will only properly start when you and he are no longer together.

Original poster

Lostone7799 · 21/05/2020 10:43

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I really do appreciate it.
I don't really have anywhere else to go as my parents are elderly and suffer with health problems i don't want to put then in danger and I also don't want to worry them.
I have few friends but they are also protecting their family's and I wouldn't want to burden them either.
I will definitely have a look at al-anon so thank you for that.
I didn't call the police because I didn't want to cause more of a scene, I know that sounds stupid now.
I'm staying in my bedroom today and he is in another room drinking so i am hoping if I stay in here for the day he will just leave me alone and then drink until he passes out and I will figure something out and may be ask him to leave when he is sober as there is no way he will leave when he is drunk, he will just get nasty.

OP posts:

Nighttimefreedom · 21/05/2020 10:45

You are allowed to move house or leave a house where you feel unsafe during lockdown.
Do you have anywhere to go?

Original poster

Lostone7799 · 21/05/2020 10:49

I have no where else to go. I'm just hoping for a miracle at the moment.

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 21/05/2020 10:55

Do you have dc. Do you own or rent your home. If he vomits/wets himself make him clean it up.

CockCarousel · 21/05/2020 10:55

You're trapped in a dangerous situation Lostone. I don't know what to advise, would you at least speak to Womens Aid ?

Original poster

Lostone7799 · 21/05/2020 10:57

I have no children. It's just me and him and occasionally his daughter from a previous relationship.
He has messed himself before and I bring this up when he's sober to try to discourage him from drinking so he knows the states he gets in but it doesn't work.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lostone7799 · 21/05/2020 10:58

Oh and we rent, both names are on the tenancy.

OP posts:

CherryValanc · 21/05/2020 10:59

To be blunt, you won't get one.

This will only change with an action from you. You cannot change him or stop him drinking.

Do you think your parents might be less worried with you with then than you were you are now? You are not a burden. I can honestly tell you, life without having to negotiate around an active alcoholic is indescribable better.

Talk to Al-Anon.

CherryValanc · 21/05/2020 11:02

you won't get a miracle I mean.

Oxfordnono12 · 21/05/2020 11:12

Is this what you want your life to be?

Lockdown has brought out your reality, this is what your life would be like if he was home or with kids. (I'm assuming you dont have any)
It's never going to change unless he does. But even that will leave you with emotional scares.

Original poster

Lostone7799 · 21/05/2020 11:13

CherryValanc thank you for your message, I must admit it did make me cry, but I appreciate the honesty and I need to figure something out as I can't live like this anymore. I can't relax and it's giving me anxiety and turning me into someone I'm not.

OP posts:

1235kbm · 21/05/2020 11:17

OP this situation is escalating ie there is now physical violence.

If you find yourself losing it to such an extent that you are now shoving your partner, it's time to get out.

I suggest you contact Shelter regarding your housing options. Have your contract to hand when you talk to them.

You can't spend the rest of your life hiding in your bedroom from a drunk.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2020 11:21

Don't keep hoping for some miracle here. The only thing you can do for yourself is to leave this man and asap before he gets further drunk. You certainly cannot live like this any more.

You would be welcomed at your parents home, they are not going to turn you away are they?. Enabling him or otherwise propping him up as you have been doing to date has not worked and will not work either. Your plan to ask him to leave when sober (and its likely he is never really sober either, just on a continuous comedown from alcohol) is foolish because what if he refuses to go?. What then for you?.

Leaving violent or otherwise dysfunctional relationships at this time is actively encouraged; you do not have to keep on imprisoning yourself in your (now trashed) bedroom here.

AmethystMoonShine · 21/05/2020 11:22

Apologies if anyone has already said this but Women’s Aid website is useful and when/I’d safe you can call them.
You’re in an abusive relationship. It doesn’t need to be violent. His behaviour is controlling yours. Please get out. You are worth so much more, you can have a happy healthy relationship in the future. You just need to get out of this one safely first.

AmethystMoonShine · 21/05/2020 11:24

Also not sure of his daughters age but could there be a safeguarding issue too?
Does he get himself into these states when he has her? If she’s a child I mean obviously if she’s an adult ignore me!

Bartlet · 21/05/2020 11:32

I have been where you are today. Sat crying in a bedroom trying to keep a low profile to avoid a scene with a drunk partner who’s on a bender.

Please please leave. I know it seems impossible now but you can move on and build a life without him.

This won’t get better. You can’t fix him. Look after yourself and tell yourself every day that you deserve better.

Original poster

Lostone7799 · 21/05/2020 11:37

He doesn't drink all the time but when he does it's like he's on drugs (he's not) as he can stay awake for days and just drink.
His daughter is 7, she has stayed with us alot of times over lock down and he done this once, but luckily he ran out of alcohol and just slept all day so I looked after her and she was not aware of what was going on as I just said her dad was really tired.

OP posts:

Bartlet · 21/05/2020 11:40

Is your sd’s mum aware of his issues? If not, she should definitely know so she can decide whether to send her child into a deeply unhealthy household and possible dangerous scenario.

Original poster

Lostone7799 · 21/05/2020 11:43

She is aware as he was apparently much worse when he was with her. Luckily we both get on ok and are able to talk. He's not like this all the time so I think she lets her daughter stay because he doesn't normally drink when she's here, he has only done this once when she's been here over lock down, not that that's acceptable at all!!

OP posts:

1235kbm · 21/05/2020 11:44

OP he shouldn't be drinking when in charge of a child. He shouldn't have her at all if he's not in control of his drinking.

You need to start making plans to leave.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2020 11:45

Not all alcoholics drink every day nor all sit on park benches. This man is likely to be on a permanent comedown form alcohol; he is rarely if ever completely sober. Infact he's probably never sober at all.

Do not keep on covering up for him or otherwise making excuses for him here to anyone.

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