Living with an alcoholic during lock down

[Lostone7799]

I'm new to this so sorry if I go on, I just needed some kind of outlet.
Myself and my partner are both at home together during lock down, he usually works away during the week so this has taken it's toll on both of us. Most of the time we have been getting on ok, but he has on the occasion got very drunk, he has a drinking problem anyway thay he won't admit too. The last couple of weeks the binge drinking has become more frequent and he gets nasty with it. I also lose it when I know he's going to be drinking and I argue and cause a scene because 9 times out of 10 I know what's going to happen. Last night for example, he went and got 8 beers, drank those and went and got another 8, we had a massive argument and I lost it with him and pushed him, I know that's so bad. He then pushed me back and smashed my mirror and threatened to smash my t.v. and trashed my bedroom.
I was very upset but managed to calm myself down, clean up and get a small amount of sleep. This morning I have woken up to him still drunk, he has also been to the shop to buy a crate of beers (24) so will probably be drinking all day and night as he doesn't know when to stop. When he does stop he will pass out and I will have to creep around the place and it's so depressing!
I'm so upset and have no where else to go as it's obviously lock down. He gets so angry and nasty when he drinks so I'm literally dreading today and tonight as he will just be more drunk. I really can't cope anymore.

I know he shouldn't and I told him that his behaviour was disgusting! He himself said he shouldn't have done it when he was sober.
I just don't know what came over him as he never normally drinks when she stays. He's getting worse on lock down.
I could never imagine drinking all night and to still be drinking now

That sounds awful. How old is he? Has he ever tried to seek help?

I guess he doesn't do anything around the house then? You can't live like that.

Please be careful confronting him. It is very likely it will escalate, his behaviour will get worse. He can not tolerate you challenging him. His mindset is one of entitlement to behave as he does and to control you. This will not change. It will get worse. It is irrelevant that he’s not like it all the time. He controls you all of the time whether you see it or not. It takes just a second of violence to hurt you or worse. Please make no excuses for him, he’s trained you to do that. You sound lovely and deserve better. Far better.

Thank for these lovely messages, I sat here in tears as you have all said such helpful things and I know I shouldn't have to live like this.
He's 35 and he has been in the military so had some counselling along with that but he said it was useless and he doesn't think he has a drinking problem.
He just said he likes a drink and to let his hair down.
I'm trying my best to avoid him today so I don't say anything that could start him off, unfortunately I do have to go through the living room (where he is) to get into the kitchen but will be doing that as little as possible.
I have packed an emergency bag just incase he comes in my bedroom and starts being abusive so I can just grab that and go. I have no idea where but worse case scenario i will have to ring one of my friends.
Thank you all so much though it's just nice to get this off my chest.

Please don’t confront him. Please don’t ask him to leave because he will just say no and there will be another argument.

Words are not going to fix this and keep you safe, only actions.

You need to talk to al anon, womens aid and Shelter and get advice and support on how to leave .

No one can tell you how to fix your partners drinking. You need to leave him and that probably means leaving your flat, unless you can get your landlord to end the joint tenancy and transfer it to you.

How old are you? Do you have hopes for a family of your own?

If he doesn’t think he has a drink problem there really is no hope of him improving. Even if he recognised he was an alcoholic, he would need to recover from that independently, not with you propping him up.

I would honestly get out as soon as possible.

I'm not going to talk to him today if I can help it as it will just end up in my things being broken again.
I'm 36 and never really wanted children of my own as weird as that might sound. I love my step daughter to bits and she is amazing but I'm also happy to hand her back over to her mother and have the week to be able to go to work and have me time (well before lock down)
I know I need to get out soon, this has changed me so much, I have a major issue with my nerves and anxiety now. I feel like i cant relax. Even now I'm sat in the bedroom with the tv on mute just listening to what he's doing in the other room.

Lostone you need to get away - I've been there so I know what it's like and I know how hard it is because the person you love is the sober one and you keep hoping he'll be that person - sadly he won't change and nothing you do will ever change him, he might stop for a bit and you think great, I've got him back! but you'll always be watching him and looking for bottles and signs.

You'll become more stressed and anxious as time goes on. You'll feel hurt, angry and resentful that he doesn't love you enough to do anything about his drinking, sadly, he loves the drink more than you or anyone. It will drag you down, he'll bleed you dry - whilst telling you he loves you and he's going to stop - til the next binge

It's also a matter of pride, I know that stopped me leaving because I thought I was giving up on him. I also thought why didn't I see that he had an alcohol problem - what kind of a person gets involved with an alcoholic so you try to normalise it to yourself and your friends.

You've done well to talk about it to other people, I couldn't because I needed to compartmentalise my life to cope with it.
Leave, go to your parents. You only have one life and you deserve to live a happy life

It’s not weird to not want kids, plenty people don’t.

Have you spoken to your Gp about your anxiety problems ? Med might help you - NOT to help you stay and put up with his abuse but help you through the stress of leaving.

Many women find that their mental health problems disappear ( or become manageable ) when they are no longer living with an abuser / addict.

I'd definitely go to parents or a friend today so you can breathe a bit and start to make plans about leaving him.

He knows he's drinking too much but doesn't want to change. Your life is precious and you deserve better. I'm not surprised your anxiety is sky high

@Lostone7799 - I know you want to protect your friends but if my friend was living in this situation I’d want to get them out of there and if that meant coming to stay with me and my (healthy not vulnerable) family you would be very welcome.

Well done for packing a bag, that's a great start. Get some advice on housing and, if you have to flee then you may have to go to relatives or a friend. Here's the number for the National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247 it's 24/7. They may be able to find you a refuge space as a last resort but I advice you to call Shelter asap as they can tell you what your housing options are.

@Loststone I bet if you ask another person who has experienced what you are are experiencing, they'll tell you they said exactly the same thing.

It's always the same, you'll adapt a way to accept his way of being because you love him. All alcoholics feel shame, they feel embarrassed but you can guarantee they'll choose the drink over you or their family unless they get help!
You call also bet his child knows exactly what is happening, she just doesn't understand. Children are very intelligent beings.

I really hope you seek support if you choose to stay. It is your choice, butbthis will be your life. He will not change.

I think the most unnerving thing is he is sat in silence, no tv on, just sat drinking and messaging people on his phone.
He has a room where he works and he can stay there, I have told him previously if he must drink can he not stay in his room there and do it but he won't go.
Thank you all again for your lovely replies, I can't thank you all enough and it's nice to hear other people have been through this too and came out the other side ok.
I have put my bag by the door just incase I do need to go. I have one friend I could probably go to but her husband is a bit funny about people going round so don't want to cause arguments in her relationship even though she would happily have me stay. It's so hard as I'm quite a private person so to tell my friends and family what's going on will be difficult for me, especially my parents as I just can't put them through the worry with them being so poorly. My mother has only just come out of hospital and is resting so I really don't want to bother her.

@Lostone7799 If I had a friend like you I'd hope that she would contact me if she needed help or somewhere to stay. I have an 8-month-old at home, am on maternity leave and my DH is WFH but I absolutely would want a friend to ask for help if they needed it. I wouldn't see it as a 'burden', I would see it as giving my friend a safe place to be able to sort things out without fear of retribution.

I hope you find a solution that works for you, but I definitely agree with others that you absolutely can't stay in this relationship long term. People don't change unless they want to, and he's already told you his drinking isn't a problem (to him) so he has no reason to change.

You pushed him first

@GreyGardens88 it's part of a wider picture

Surely your mum getting out of hospital is the perfect excuse to go stay with your parents? Assuming you have been isolating well enough you could offer to go and stay to help them out. At this point you don't have to worry them about your relationship.

Waiting until he is violent then leaving in a panic isn't the best approach.

When you've got to the stage of a panic bag by the door, you might as well leave now in a calm orderly manner.

Can he afford the rent on his own if you left the tenancy?

In this incident she did @GreyGardens88 and she has acknowledged that, and that it was wrong.

As part of a wider picture it indicates it's breaking point, that for both of them it's better to no longer live together..

@Lostone7799 I can totally appreciate you are crying, I've been where you are now. It's terrifying, but you can change your life. I'm private too but people around you care more than you think. Speak to your friend, if needs be speak to your parents. You could actually be of physical to your mum.

I shouldn't have pushed him no, but after putting up with his drunkeness for years it's only been heightened over lock down and I knew what he would be like after drinking more. That's no excuse for what I did as I know I did wrong.
I could consider that but my mum is petrified of letting anyone in the house due to her illness and being a vulnerable adult. The main reason is the worry it will cause her as she is a massive worrier and gets ill when she is stressed.
He could afford the rent on his own but is dreadful with money. I couldn't afford the rent and bills on my own.

See if you can get a house share or become a lodger pretty much immediately. If you can then contact the landlord and tell him you have split up, you are moving out and you'd like to take yourself off the tenancy. It is a fairly normal thing to happen to landlords. Move out secretly. Then message and let him know, including that the landlord is willing to let him stay and take on the tenancy.

This is no life at all. And he is a serious alcoholic with a very serious dependency. It is not normal to sit drinking in a room on your own. He is literally pouring alcohol into his system as an addict injects drugs. This is beyond fixing, and it is not your problem to solve/suffer through.

Get out, live life. You CAN leave during lockdown. We all give you permission to leave, give it to yourself, what the hell are you waiting for? How many more days are you going to creep around in fear?

You need to write a list of things to do, people to contact. Get yourself taken off any bills, remove half the money from any joint accounts, notify the council re CT.

Do you have any joint credit cards ?

Where are your wages paid into ?

Is all your paperwork ready - passport, birth Cert etc

Does he have access to anything Of yours online ? If so change all passwords.

Please leave or get your exit plan ready. I lived with an alcoholic for many years and at the end I would dread coming home and would hope he drank enough to be passed out so he wouldn't be nasty.

I thought I was trapped. Mortgage and he wasn't working.

So I did nothing and waited for a miracle until one day he started getting too aggressive in a public place and police were called.

I got so much help from friends and family then - if you open up people will help. I ended up in a spare room belonging to a friend of a friend while I got myself sorted out.

Good luck and don't stay - you don't have to