Please tell me good things about being single/living alone.

[Observer123]

Hi all,
Tomorrow I'm planning on separating from my long-term DP. Reasons include no help or support from him, controlling behaviour, lack of trust, and I've developed the Ick and can't be intimate with him anymore. I'm still young and want kids but I can't/won't have them with him.

Solid enough reasons for anyone to leave a relationship but I'm starting to waver. I have no family support whatsoever (I'm NC with them all and that won't change), not many friends (though I intend to change that and start joining more clubs etc when Covid allows) Today, my boss mentioned about taking some holidays and its just sent me on a downer because, well, what am I going to do with my time? I think if I didn't have work I would go stir-crazy.

I know in my heart that leaving DP is the right thing to do, but the prospect of starting over again alone is daunting.

Continued lockdown probably isn't helping (and it's that time of the month so I'm a bit weepy today anyway!)

Can anyone give me a virtual handhold? What good things do I have to look forward to once I've bitten the bullet?

For me, what I noticed most at first was the lack of disappointment. That is, no more waiting to see if exh was going to come home when he said and being disappointed. No more realising that he'd forgotten to think of me again and being disappointed. No more looking forward to doing something and then it not happening, or getting there too late, or it being stressful. No more being disappointed because the other person who could have cooked, offered you a cup of tea or done the housework has not done it.

My family live abroad. I WFH so no workmates. But like you, I started to make more of an effort to join clubs and do stuff. Was in a theatre group and would normally now be in a choir and an expat group. Did some hiking. Go out jogging, started painting again, reading books, little decorating projects, research into family history. Meet a live-out bf a couple of times a week. It feels very busy.

Last year I went on holiday for a week to the seaside, just me and the dog. I took work with me, but was surprised to find that actually, I would have been perfectly happy going on walks, looking at sights, swimming in the sea or eating seafood all day. A week felt quite short after all; I was certainly never sitting around bored.

Being able to decorate rooms in the style I want, not having a man standing there 'tutting' about my choices of decor.

Being able to blow money on a good rug/sofa/sideboard with a man tutting...and deciding the money would have been better spent on him or his hobbies.

Having any pets I want without having to justify my choice.

Not having someone else sweaty secretions all over my gorgeous bedding.

Waking up at three in the morning unable to sleep and being able to turn on the lights, make some toast, go back to bed and read a book with the lights on.

So, so much more, I could go on all day!

My ex moved out finally two weeks ago. It was weird at first. So quiet in the house, but actually I love it. Evenings are tricky because I like to have someone to talk to, but I just phone friends and family for a chat now.

To me, the major difference is how little housework I’m suddenly doing. I didn’t realise how much time I spent picking things up after ex until now. Every morning I come down to a clean, uncluttered house and it’s such a lovely feeling.

Zaphodsotherhead, are you also my other head? All sounds like me.

I love it. My marriage ended very amicably so it’s not a reaction to that but single life is definitely what I want and need.

All positive, zero negative.

Enjoy OP

@ravenmum - look to your left, I'm smiling!

Another one who loves living alone! I too wasn't sure how I was going to get on, but I didn't have any choice in the matter. It's brilliant only looking after yourself. I can come and go as I please without having to run it past someone else, the bed stays fresh as does the loo. I watch what tv I want to watch, I can do whatever I want to do to the flat, I can invite anyone round that I choose without having to ask and getting a sour face. And, as someone else said, I am no longer waiting all the time. I didn't even realise I was doing it, but I used to wait anxiously when my ex was due home, incase he was in a bad mood (even now I have a moment of stress when I hear a car door slamming until I remember that everything is ok, no one is going to walk through the door) and I used to watch his dark mood descending and wait for the temper and sulking to start. All of that is gone forever!
Best wishes, OP - you're going to love the freedom

I loved living alone in my twenties! I’m actually a fairly social extrovert but I loved having my own private space that was just mine that I could be quiet in. I grew up in a very full house which probably made it even nicer, I’d never even had my own room.

Best things

• I can take your pants off in the middle of the living room and just leave them there and no one can tell you off (if you’re so inclined)

• No one eats your special food that you’re saving, or the leftovers you want to eat for breakfast.

• you can binge watch something all weekend and noones in your way (though I’d advise against binging Law and Order:SVU as I did, that’ll make you paranoid as a lone woman!)

I can never see myself living with a partner again. I recently broke up with a 18 month relationship, after being single for a while after a 20 year marriage. Exp and I didn't live together and it was all down to me, he brought the subject up loads of times but:

I like my own space.

I don't like making small talk because otherwise the room seem too quiet

I don't like having to explain to someone else why or what I want to do

I don't like sharing my bathroom. I know this may seem daft to some but that is my happy spot where I go and relax and soak in a bath with candles etc. I renovated it just how it wanted it. And I would get horribly annoyed if I went in there and it ponged to high heaven. I have a 2nd bathroom. Use that one for a stinky shit. Ok that is probably a bit ott but it mattered to me.

Eat what and when and where I want

I dont have to suffer through yet another bbq. Look I don't mind one every now and then, but two or three times a week is just too much

I don't miss the sulking and having to walk on eggshells to not upset another.

My dc live with me and we live well together. Teammates I call it. We all slot in perfectly together and having another person here threw out our whole dynamic. Dd sits with me and watches the telly. Then when exP was there he wanted to sit with me and would get the huff if dd took up her usual place. Which has been her place for years.

NO SNORING. Can sleep through a whole night in bliss without being woken by grunts and farts.

All of the above are why I am staying single.

I would spend lockdown in a new place and would decorate it to make it my own. I'd plan a group holiday to a destination you've always wanted to go to and that he wouldn't like to go to. You won't regret it.

It's a hugely liberating way to live. I understand that it's not for everyone but I absolutely love it.

I could give you the upsides but we'd be here forever. The only downside for me is when I'm feeling a bit shit and have to make my own food and cuppa. But that's a once in a blue moon thing so ....

Observer 123. Embrace it!! Trying to precis this - I married and tie marriage broke down after 15 months when my husband disappeared with an 18 year old (half his age). I really struggled to enjoy life as I didn't want to be single. Fast forward and I married someone who became more and more (subtly) controlling. I am now on my own and love it! I can do what I want to and when I want to Life is bliss. If you are on your own you can always go out (pre lockdown) and come back to harmony. |If there is a disagreeable person in your home you have to life with it. Jolly good luck.!!

It's so peaceful. I love that the default is for things to stay where they are - both if youre tidied and also if you haven't there's nobody to comment. I can prioritise things however I want. No comments on how you spend your money/when you go to bed/what you eat.

I can eat inside or outside or on my bed if I want. No fighting for the bathroom, you always know what food there is, it's just all yours.

I do slightly worry it's making me selfish and I'll struggle to live with anybody again (I am mid twenties, unmarried and would like kids!) but I'm embracing it!

I love it, lived on my own for 19 years. I could have the house as I wanted it, if I cleaned it, it stayed clean or it was my fault if it didn't (no one else's), I could read, watch telly, sleep when I wanted. I didn't have to answer to anyone, ask permission or tell anyone things if I didn't want to. The biggest thing for me was that I was in control.

When I walked in from work and shit the door, that was it, that was my safe space, my quiet place to be me. I never once felt lonely.

Shit the door, not shit

As pp have said, the freedon is wonderful. Especially after living with someone who makes life unhappy. I particulalry love cooking whatever I want, having the house the way I want it, having the bed to myself, 100% custody of the remote control. I think I would really struggle to live with anyone again to be honest. Apart from my kids of course!

I’ve lived alone for 20 years and I will never live with someone again.

No compromising. When I return home in the evenings, my home is as it was when I left it. It’s as clean as I want it, as tidy as I want it, as messy as I want it. There is peace and solitude there, a quietness. Space. I do what I want to do, when I want to do it. There is nobody there to spoil the atmosphere with moods etc. I grew up in a house where the whole household revolved around one person’s moods, and the day/weekend/week could be spoiled for everyone for no valid reason. I always vowed never to let that happen in my home. Toxic people not allowed cross the threshold. I have cut all contact with one family member and she will never be welcome in my home- there is something very freeing in that.

I love it!
I can be completely myself. I don't have to make myself smaller and him central.
Much less housework and laundry
Can sleep diagonally in the bed
I walk around the place singing whenever I feel like it.
The peace is wonderful!
No putting up with someone elses moods.
I type this, just lying here in my bed feeling blissful

Get yourself a good quality vibrator (if you haven't already) and you'll never look back - if you've got the ick at least you know all future sex (with yourself) will be good

Good luck OP. I suggest you read this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3789560-The-Happy-Singleton-All-welcome which will hopefully answer all your questions

I'm currently sat on my own in my garden which I planted with my choice of plants, in a dress I chose drinking a coke, thinking I'm so lucky as the woman next door is now constantly trying to placate her partner who I have never heard say a pleasant word towards her...
Meanwhile I don't have to cook anyone any dinner, my house is decorated to my taste & I can play my choice of music and speak to my friends & family when I wish.
Living on your own is great!!

I love it. You won't regret it.
My little house is my sanctuary.
It took me a while to get used to the freedom of it all after a very long, controlling, relationship.
I genuinely believe that I won't share a home again with a partner and I am perfectly happy with that. Everyone needs their own bit of space.
Evenings I have been watching Netflix, in the bath with a g&t, heaven!!
Wishing you the best of luck. X

I until recently was single for 4 years after relationship after relationship, all long term ones. I loved being single (after the initial OMG this is strange). It made me stronger as a person and I got to know myself.
Im now in a new relationship and miss my 'me time' so I still make sure I have this.

One thing I will say is; don't ever stay with someone unless YOU really want to. Only have one life and you have to be selfish xxxx

Good luck OP! Xx

OP..... Don't be afraid of holidays without a partner! One of my best ever holidays was a week in Rome, all by myself. I was able to indulge my passion for art and churches and Roman ruins...... for an entire week, without having to worry about my DH getting bored. I went to several evening concerts in various churches. Bliss! I would go and eat dinner on my own at several roadside trattorias, and the waiters were so nice to me (even though I was in my late 50s...). Believe me, no one cares if you're on your own!

All the freedom makes me feel 18 again!! Now I can do things as I want spontaneously, instead of "causing stress". No more guilt coming home late from work. Absolutely no judgment, on what I wear, say, do. Cake for dinner is totally acceptable, especially after an early morning run which wouldn't have happened in my past life. Clothes changed a bit, sometimes a mini skirt, sometimes bright colours, sometimes a long country dress that no man would fancy, whatever I feel like. Holidays wherever I want, all day on the beach with a book and nobody is bored. I had no friends, now I have three close ones who are fantastic. I learned about myself and what makes me happy, which has led to new hobbies.

There are for sure lonely moments, but I have learned to tell myself it will pass tomorrow, and funnily enough it does. Thinking about a cat next!!