Please tell me good things about being single/living alone.

[Observer123]

Hi all,
Tomorrow I'm planning on separating from my long-term DP. Reasons include no help or support from him, controlling behaviour, lack of trust, and I've developed the Ick and can't be intimate with him anymore. I'm still young and want kids but I can't/won't have them with him.

Solid enough reasons for anyone to leave a relationship but I'm starting to waver. I have no family support whatsoever (I'm NC with them all and that won't change), not many friends (though I intend to change that and start joining more clubs etc when Covid allows) Today, my boss mentioned about taking some holidays and its just sent me on a downer because, well, what am I going to do with my time? I think if I didn't have work I would go stir-crazy.

I know in my heart that leaving DP is the right thing to do, but the prospect of starting over again alone is daunting.

Continued lockdown probably isn't helping (and it's that time of the month so I'm a bit weepy today anyway!)

Can anyone give me a virtual handhold? What good things do I have to look forward to once I've bitten the bullet?

Your own front door and absolute power over who comes in is yours.

Everything stays clean and tidy unless you have made a messy. Hint. Get a cleaner if you can possibly afford it.

No arguments, no discussions, what you say goes.

Frankly, it sounds like bliss.

Keep an eye out for activities that you would enjoy. You never know which will be amazing and fill every moment.

Activity holidays can be awesome.

For me, what I noticed most at first was the lack of disappointment. That is, no more waiting to see if exh was going to come home when he said and being disappointed.
^This. I can totally identify with this. I've been living on my own now for about 18 months and was in a 6 year rocky relationship before that. I was constantly disappointed and also the waiting around for him to maybe come home or maybe want to do something with me was just awful. And before him I had a three year relationship - there was a gap of a year between the two of them. So it's been quite a long time since I lived on my own and other than the one year between the two fuckers I haven't lived on my own in this flat at all.

At first I found it so quiet and the evenings dragged and I still missed the fucking bastard but I am absolutely loving it now.

1. No disappointment and no waiting around for some fucker to grace you with his presence

1. You can do what you like when you like and how you like

1. Your house always stays as clean or as messy as it was when you come back from somewhere. Nobody touches or moves your things.

1. You don't have someone else making a mess everywhere and then complaining about the standards of your cleaning without them doing their fair share.

1. You eat what you want, when you want without having to work out when someone else might actually show up and whether you should wait for them or not

1. You get to fill your life with whatever activities you want to do.

1. You have plenty of time to meet friends

1. You get to close your door and live in your haven of tranquility

I do think you need a bit of structure to the week though. If you don't have anything planned for the evenings then the novelty of having a long bath with a book or watching netflix with popcorn wears off after a while. So do go out and join something when Corona is over or have a regular meet up with friends etc.
Do go on holiday on your own too - that's great. I love it and normally you meet other interesting people. I've met some of my best friends that way.

Enjoy the time alone in your house. If you meet someone else just have fun to start with - don't let them move in straightaway!

Well, I've done it.
Fuck me, that has hard.
Where's the wine?

Well done OP!

I currently hate living alone and feel very lonely.

But..I do what I want when I want. I always watch what I want on TV. No-one moves anything. It's always quiet when I decide to go to bed.

Well done OP! Onwards and upwards!

Good luck to you OP! Another here who lives alone. I LOVE it!!! Been 5 years now. My house is decorated how I want it with my things in it. I eat, sleep, watch whatever I want whenever I want. I’m just starting to get into gardening during the lockdown. I wouldn’t rule out a relationship in the future but I’d never live with anyone ever again. My home is my sanctuary

Congrats OP! Going through the same thing and trying to adapt to being myself too.. you're liking it more than I am this thread is great for tips

I've been separated a year and love living alone (well with DCs). Ive had 3 messages today from 3 friends, all complaining about their grumpy and lazy partners. I feel a little bit smug!

think of all the things about living with him that piss you off
they will all be gone

It's sooooooooo relaxing. No living under a cloud if someone else is in a bad mood. Cannot recommend enough. Best wishes. xxx

the very best thing is not having to know where everything is. with my ex it was just 9 hours a day of him shouting from another room ‘have you seen [thing]?’

no. no, i haven’t. i know where my things are now, i don’t spend all my days shouting ‘what?’ at someone mumbling a question at me from another room.

i’m not the housekeeper, or the Entertainments Manager, or the secretary, or the fixer, or anything. it’s just me. and it’s the finest feeling in the world.

I can have flowers in every room without exaggerated sneezing and complaining about hayfever.
I can cuddle and kiss my dog without 'urgh, that's disgusting!'
Ditto having the dog in bed with me
I can do housework or not do housework as I please, without some bugger who's never so much as lifted a hoover calling me 'lazy'
Cushions! All of the cushions!

How do you feel? Relief? X

i’m not the housekeeper, or the Entertainments Manager, or the secretary, or the fixer, or anything. it’s just me. and it’s the finest feeling in the world.

Yes, yes, yes! You've just reminded me of how I felt about ex towards the end. Fucking secretary - reminding him when and where he was supposed to be. Housekeeper. Cleaner. Cook. "Entertainments Manager".....

Good on you OP - your life will be so much better. Onwards and upwards.
Just be careful not to get sucked in by some knobhead. I find that the most dangerous time for knobheads latching on is just after you come out of a long-term relationship. Ask me how I know....
Enjoy your single time. All the best for your future!

Good on you, Observer, and hope you are feeling better with that behind you.

I'm newly on my own again. It was a recent event which I am starting to get used to. I found like last time a list of negatives about my ex puts me in a positive mood with things I no longer have to deal with that annoyed me about him.

So many great things about living alone and having the freedom to just chill out and do your own thing but your OP said

Tomorrow I'm planning on separating from my long-term DP. Reasons include no help or support from him, controlling behaviour, lack of trust, and I've developed the Ick and can't be intimate with him anymore. I'm still young and want kids but I can't/won't have them with him

and there's no better feeling than not having to live with a person who doesn't help or support you, who is controlling, who you don't trust and you have the ick for.
That alone is priceless.

Well done for taking this step :)

Oh my life, I loved being single! Got myself into my own lovely routines, followed my dreams (around the world, new hobbies) and asked no-one's permission, made new friends and got to know them very well :). I also had time to date and decide what I needed and what I wanted. Met the right person when I wasn't expecting it, now very happily married and expecting our first baby but would not have reached this point with any other partner from the past. Also went into this relationship feeling strong and empowered which was wonderful foundation. Only possible because of the time I'd spent single.

You've absolutely made the right decision. Good luck to you, you have a very exciting time ahead OP

Love it. Having the house how I want it. Doing what I want, when I want. Spending what I want. Eating what I want. Enjoy!

I have a long distance relationship at the moment and it works out great. We can enjoy each other's company, look forward to seeing each other again, and then go back to our own place.

You may find it tough to start with, I did, but now I love living on my own, I can do whatever I want, when I want, I left my partner after 31 years and had never lived alone, it only took me about 4 months to think 'I love this' and wished that I had done it years ago, go for it you wont look back!!!!

@RLGGG that's so good to hear. That's the place I'm working towards too, being independent and learning to my own space. I always heard people say 'learn to love yourself' and thought it was cliché but its so true. Finding new hobbies, skills and as you say empowerment, great feeling.

I think it's important to remember that being single is a process, much like being in a relationship was. No you're not suddenly going to be thrown into a pool of waiting friends and exciting things to do, because that's not what you've been focussing on for the last X years. Being single is so rewarding and so wonderful, but enjoying the single life and having a full diary doesn't just get thrown into your lap. You have to build it rather than just waiting for someone to fill your cup of happiness (maybe what you were doing when with your partner?) But being single and independent is empowering and makes you strong. Yes watching your favourite DVds without being disturbed is great. Feeling strong, happy and excited to be alive is even better x

All of the above of course...but..
There are still vodka fuelled hazes to look forward to. And choosing your own friends and coming home whenever you want. And holidays that can be surprisingly fun because you are with a fantastic group who you never knew until that week but some of whom you will be friends with forever.

Spending as much time as you want on beauty stuff. Or just not at all because it's lockdown and you arent going out so who cares, Never having to sit through sport of any kind on tv. ALL of the wardrobe space and no one whining about the clothes you are spending money on. Never cooking unless you actually like it.

Going to buy groceries only when you need to and only what you want (lidl do an incredible version of grey goose vodka). Taking up mad hobbies then deciding you're not that domesticated after all but sticking with the one you really love.

Buying nice things for your home you really like with zero whining, like cushions or great scented candles. Not having to make structured breakfasts or dinners unless you actually want to.

Freedom. To be irresponsible (if you havent got kids) or messy (get a cleaner!) or stay up late. To go out at the drop of a hat with no one to tut. You'll love it. Get out there and enjoy!