Please tell me good things about being single/living alone.

[Observer123]

Hi all,
Tomorrow I'm planning on separating from my long-term DP. Reasons include no help or support from him, controlling behaviour, lack of trust, and I've developed the Ick and can't be intimate with him anymore. I'm still young and want kids but I can't/won't have them with him.

Solid enough reasons for anyone to leave a relationship but I'm starting to waver. I have no family support whatsoever (I'm NC with them all and that won't change), not many friends (though I intend to change that and start joining more clubs etc when Covid allows) Today, my boss mentioned about taking some holidays and its just sent me on a downer because, well, what am I going to do with my time? I think if I didn't have work I would go stir-crazy.

I know in my heart that leaving DP is the right thing to do, but the prospect of starting over again alone is daunting.

Continued lockdown probably isn't helping (and it's that time of the month so I'm a bit weepy today anyway!)

Can anyone give me a virtual handhold? What good things do I have to look forward to once I've bitten the bullet?

I love it!

I decorate how I like, arrange stuff how I like, have total freedom to do what want when I want! And it's nice to feel that it's al 'mine' I'm not beholden to anyone

You'll be fine OP, stay strong

Having freedom. A tidy house how you left it. Peace of mind. Opportunities to meet other people and potential partners. This is a scary time op but it will end. There will be ups & downs but you will be better off at the end of it. The sooner you do it the sooner you can start again. I think you'll be surprised at how many people will be there for you. Sometimes it's just about telling people you need them. I bet you have a WI group nearby.... You CAN do this.

Oh god it is awesome. Make your own home. Do what you want. Eat what you want and no one even knows. Go to bed whenever you want. When you clean it stays clean till you mess it up. You can be totally you
There are some brief lonely moments but I LOVE it

It's fantastic. You can have long lie ins, breakfast in bed. No one to criticise your choices around TV, clothes, cleaning etc. You sort of have to observe yourself as if a part of you is your own parent. You can get a pet you've always wanted.
No one to constantly compromise with your home can be the perfect safe place you can retire to and heal from.

Space. Lots of it!

Which has it's drawbacks when you want a cuddle, sex etc but it's nice to sleep on your own and not have to share your space.

Why don’t you say to your boss that you’d like to save up the time and take it as a chunk when lockdown is over. Then plan a trip where you go on an expedition with other people or go travelling round Australia or something like that. My friend did that and came back with a whole host of friends and a husband!

You can have your space exactly how you want it and won't have to worry about tidying up after anyone. You can spend as long as you like doing the things you love!
Joining clubs is a great idea when you're able to.
Let us know how you get on :)

When I first split up with my first LTP I LOVED everything being exactly how I left it. No used mugs or coffee on the worktops, nothing left lying around. It was fabulous. It was also the first time I'd EVER lived alone (I was 24 and had flat shared and then lived with DP since I was 17) and I just loved not having anyone to account to (DP wasn't at all controlling, but it's just different).

It was hard because we still loved each other and both Wobbled over the breakup and we missed each other etc but the actual 'living alone' was great!

Your decision is the right one, be strong, you CAN do it, it won't all be sunshine & roses, but the feeling of freedom & 'Possibility' is amazing!! (Hampered by Lockdown admittedly!!).

Why did your boss suggest taking holiday? Because of your break up or because if Covid/financials?

When that DP & I broke up, I did take time off work. I was 24, we'd been together since I was 15 and we still loved each other - so I took it very hard & I couldn't deal with the petty pathetic office politics without wanting to slap someone! (Bitchy girls) only you can decide what you need!

Don't back out if it. You need to do it! You'll be fine c

Yeah, my boss isn't forcing me to take them imminently, it was just a passing comment he made, but it sent me in a spin.

I am writing all of these down and will keep reading them today and tomorrow. It sounds so blissful.

I'm in a new(ish) relationship now, but coming up to 2 years ago I split from my ex and it has been a fantastic time!

Living on your own means you can have things how you want them, cook what you want, relax/watch TV/read/sleep when you want. I didn't realise until I left my ex at how much anxiety I had been under (aside from his cheating) just living with him. The only decorating freedom I had was doing up my DC's bedroom.

Although it was hard at time, I have never felt lonely. I do have a great set of friends, but I am happy in my own company. The best advice I was given was to be a friend to yourself. How would you treat a friend? You care for them and want the best for them, tell them they deserve better etc.

I made my bedroom into a nice relaxing space and over time I've decorated my house to my taste. My home has been my sanctuary. Now I'm with someone else, it is great as it is a long distance relationship (it's a bummer at the moment with Covid as I haven't seen him) but we are both on the same level.

You will find it strange at first, but over time you realise how refreshing it is! Good luck OP

Thanks guys, these comments have really helped

I think DP knows what's coming... we've had 2 counselling sessions and in both of them, I've told him I don't think I can continue with the relationship... his reply was to say I would end up regretting it in a few months down the line. My first thought was "wow what a patronising arsehole!" but the past few days I've had this niggling doubt....

Living alone is the best! The peace, more space, freedom to do what you want when you want, no compromising, a lovely atmosphere, being able to create your sanctuary whatever way you want.

People say living alone is lonely, but I think it’s far more lonely to live with someone who doesn’t care about you.

For me the only downside is the reduction in finances. But it is so worth it. I don’t think I could live with anyone again.

Observer123 there are bound to be times over the coming months that you will regret the decision. But then the next day you will realise again that it was the right thing to do. My recommendation would be to spend the next few months learning to be YOU again. When you are married/in a relationship you become part of a whole with the 'whole' being the two of you. You need to regain your equilibrium and reconnect with yourself, learn what food YOU like, what You like to do, learn to enjoy YOUR company, and I would suggest do this before even starting to think about starting a new relationship or even just having sex.

It was 18 months after my marriage broke down that I felt ready to start dating again and I'm so glad I waited. And now , even though I've been seeing someone for over 3 years, I will never live with him or marry him. I need the 2-3 nights a week (during non lockdown !!of course its much longer between visits now) on my own just to be me again.

I have always been happy to live alone but lockdown for me has really taught me that I absolutely love it. You can do what you want when you want to, there is no resentment about chores, nobody else’s belongings to contend with, nobody’s moods to tiptoe around, complete control of the TV etc.
In normal times I love to make my house welcoming for friends and family to visit or stay over, which I obviously can’t do at the moment, but I’m very grateful to have my own ‘sanctuary’.

I have zero intention of jumping into another relationship any time soon! That's not even on my radar right now. I totally agree with you, @Blobby10 I want to spend this time just focusing on myself.

I used to live by myself in the early years (18 to 23) before I bought a house with DP. I often think back to how good those days were (even if they were mostly in a vodka fuelled haze )

I love it! I can watch what I want on TV, go to bed when I want and don't have to share it :) [ not sure I will ever be able to share a bed again ].

I just love the freedom of being able to do whatever I want when I want.

I have been single now for about 12 years and have no intention of being with anyone again.

There are good and bad things, the good you can do whatever the hell you want, I love gardening and happy to spend hours out there, I eat when I want, clean when I want and watch what I want on tv.
When I'm working I like to go to bed early at 9pm as I work in the NHS and I'm shattered by the end of the day.
My ex was always whinging about my early bedtime and saying it was an "excuse" to avoid sex - very tedious and then he's thump about until midnight moaning and sulking.
I LOVE peaceful weekend mornings and breakfast in bed without him moaning that I get up too early.
You do however, need a support network, it's very important to go out to do hobbies with other people and have a pub buddy - I hate going to pubs for meals alone.
I also have a few groups I belong to when not in lockdown so there is always something to do with other people at least once a week.
It's really vital not to get isolated and then before you know it you haven't spoken to anyone for 6 months.
Thank God for social media, you just have to make the effort.
I have hobbies he always used to think were stupid and a waste of time which I love doing so I'm free to do those now.
I can't see myself living with another man again to be honest.

P.S re holidays I go on singles holidays not to find a man but just to go with other people, I've had some good times. I'm going on a singles holiday to see the northern lights next year to celebrate a big birthday. There is always someone there to talk to.

I love living on my own. Now i'm able to have some social contact again, I've not been finding the social distancing difficult anymore. i broke up with a long term partner (since my early 20s for over a decade) last year, and thought i would struggle. i loved it. Have loved every minute of the freedom, away from his criticism, disorganisation, and general ability to make life complicated (he had lots of good qualities too, but we're listing the positives of being on our own, right?).

I like that I'm able to make decisions about the house without worrying whether he will think they're 'cool' enough, or too expensive/bad value for money. i like that the house stays as tidy as i want it to be, and that i don't have to come home after work ot mess EVERYWHERE. that there aren't piles of clothes on the floor from wherever he took them off, 'in case he wants to put them back on tomorrow'. that i can listen to podcasts in the middle of the night if i wake up (which i often do). that there's no snoring. that we don't have to fight about whether we have the radio on while we're working (particularly at the moment in lockdown!). that there is no one to criticise me for how much i eat/what i eat/when i eat. that when i'm ready to go somewhere, i can just LEAVE, not have an argument about why he still isn't ready. not having to rush to get places on time. being able to organise my time without running it by him/having a big negotiation about what we do, because he doesn't want to, but doesn't want me to go without him...

Wow...that was a long list. there's probably more. I'm not single now, but i still live on my own. I'm not sure I ever want to change that, tbh.

You know all the daily compromises, big and small, that you make just for the sake of 'being nice' and/or not upsetting the other person ? Well imagine not having to make them any more, how liberating that will be !

I M E the only thing about living on your own is, if you want a brew, you have to make it yourself . Apart from that, it's all good !

Oh God that all sounds so freeing.

Coming home from work to find the house in the same state I left it in the morning.
Buying as much pointless tat as I want without him complaining because its "pointless tat"
No coffee granules all over the sink after I've just cleaned it.
Getting any DIY jobs that needs doing DONE, instead of waiting for him to be bothered doing it (bathroom still isn't finished from when he started in 2016!!! and he won't hire anyone to do it)
Eat whatever I want without him pulling the cats bum face and checking the packet for its carb content

Not having to listen to him rabbiting on about this work colleague or that work colleague. People who I don't even know, will never meet, and whose lives I have zero interest in!!!

All of this! And also just the joy of knowing you are in charge of your own life and don't have to consider anyone else or their various issues, extended family, opinions

I haven't had a partner since my last breakup in 2014 and I don't think I ever will, now - I much prefer my life this way. Good luck and a hand hold - but I think you'll take to it like a duck to water!

I second all the above PPs, and I would add that a lot of it is down to your mindset.
Look for all the positives in your new life, rather than the negatives, don’t look back with rose tinted specs and think “Aw, maybe he wasn’t so bad” - remember all your reasons for leaving.
I’ve been widowed for nearly 40 years - ever since my DC were babies - and I’ve lived completely alone since they grew up and went off to uni and then careers 50 miles away.
But I had my work, and now in retirement my hobbies, holidays and friends. I saw the kids regularly (and will again after lockdown). Life is good. My home is exactly the way I want it, I love where I live, and I have the freedom of as much or little social contact as I want.
All change is scary, OP, but we soon adapt. You will too. Good luck!

Oops, that should be 30, not 40 years!