Day 1 of Marriage Breakdown

[dakine]

Reg poster but changed names as some details are outing.

Married for 9 years, together 13. 2 DD (12 and 3).

Last year or so has been rocky, DH has joined a social media site (TikTok- yes he IS a grown man!) and met several women on their with whom he conducted emotional affairs. Brief separation before Xmas but things have been better since then and I trusted him to not continue.

Last month I got a funny feeling about a woman leaving regular comments on videos he'd made and asked him outright it there was anything going on. He said no. Last few weeks have been scattered with arguments because I'm paranoid/jealous/distrustful etc. Things came to a head on Sunday and he assured me that his friendship with this woman was nothing to worry about, he loves me, he wants our relationship to work and doesn't want to destroy anything. Yesterday I asked him if he'd show me his phone as I was feeling unsure and he threw a temper tantrum and it came out for the last month he's been conducting what I think is an emotional affair with the woman- has told her he's leaving me, told her how much he fancies her but hasn't met her (yet). She lives around 1.5 hours away so I believe they haven't physically met.

FWIW I am 31, I have a senior management job (I'm the breadwinner), do most of the childcare/housework and we own our own home. I have a small but close circle of friends that I can rely on for support.

He has said he needs to stay in the family home as he has nowhere else to go and he doesn't know what he want. We don't have a spare bedroom. Last night we just lay there stiff as a board and it was unbearable for me and I'm in a lot of pain mentally.

This is a man I've devoted my life to, trusted when he didn't deserve it and now I feel betrayed and have low self esteem. I just don't know where we go from here.

Ah so sorry OP, but what an arsehole!! Do you want the relationship to work? You are so young and in a good position financially if you wanted to separate.
Spend today getting your ducks in a row, figuring out finances and logistics. As much as it hurts, try to be civil and calm (that will infuriate him!!) and be practical going forward, if you remain friends you can co-parent effectively and minimise harm to your children.
You have been with him since you were a child really, time to find yourself a grown up who appreciates you,

He doesn't get to stay in the home once you've started divorce proceedings and legal separation. He just doesn't want to disrupt his life in any way and will go on indefinitely if allowed.
Get that divorce petition in first. You can do it online.

Also, any tips on how to work from home with a broken heart and two kids greatly appreciated!

What a total shit!

Like the poster above. You’ve got a decent job, financially you’re okay. I wouldn’t stay with someone so disrespectful. He’ll only continue to trash your self esteem.

@SandysMam we've been together since 17 and 19 respectively - he's all I know in terms of an adult life and the idea of going on without him feels scary and sad.

I think we might have outgrown each other- the women he speaks to online are nothing like me.

By the way, at 31, in senior management, and a home owner, AND a mother of two, your self esteem should be high!! You have achieved so much!

Has he lost his mind? What a total man child?
A very good friend experienced similar - he tried to float the idea of moving his new love in with him nearby but she wasn't having that, unsurprisingly, and divorced him.

It was rocky to start with but she picked everything up and is now remarried to a kind, successful, well adjusted bloke and has never looked back. Her ex has had a string of failed relationships (the original woman was probably Trevor the trucker in real life) and lives entirely on credit. He lost all mutual friends who thought he was a giant twat.

This must be hideous but you deserve so so much better than this. I'd be booting him out ASAP.

OP you'll be much better off without him.

Does he work?

It seems as if you do everything. Keep records to show that you are the main child carer, house manager etc in case he tries to keep the house in divorce as the SAH parent.

Good luck.

You'll be ok ❤️

Try and look for a solution as to where he can go. Last thing you need is the end of your relationship dragging on for months/years.

You know what you want- and you can find a solution! We've got your back 💪🏻💪🏻

Definitely ltb he will never change! In the meantime, banish him to the sofa, under no circumstances share the bed with him!

He doesn't get to decide what he wants. You do. In the first shock of all this , it is easy to feel panic. And especially hard in lockdown.
Take your time , think what you really want from him. And decide if he is capable of giving it. Sounds like he wants to have his fantasy life and keep his sweet home situation . Not possible.

And in the meantime , haven't you got a sofa? Make him park his arse there.

Sorry you have to deal with this.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I can’t imagine how awful last night must have been. Can’t he sleep on the sofa until things are sorted? (Ideally the shed!!)
I would book an appointment with a solicitor ASAP (the first 30 mins is normally free or a very minimal charge). Is the house in joint names? I’m assuming as the children are so young that you would be able to stay in the marital home (has he no family he can move in with?).
Can you take any holiday from work just to give you a few days to think and sort things out?
This man has continually disrespected you and your family unit. You are in a strong position. You don’t need him financially and you can get through this emotionally. Talk to a close friend and family. It will really help.

When he realises you are serious he will probably go into panic mode and try and win you back again. You and your children deserve better.

Of course change is scary but more scary is remaining with a man who has no respect for you and has consistently deceived you. A man who you will always be second guessing. Surely you deserve better.

He's like a security blanket. Time to throw him off and thrive. You are already financially ok, which is the biggest barrier to a lot of women looking to leave partners.

Thank you for all your replies. It's going to be a long day and I'm dreading 5pm when he walks through the door - it's easier to compute him not loving me when he's not here weirdly. I find the coldness even worse because it's like he looks like my DH but doesn't behave like the DH I know.

Yes, he works full time too- he earns well enough; about £34k a year whilst I'm on over £60k (senior management in public sector education!)

My mum normally helps us out a lot in terms of childcare which has allowed me to study/progress. I'm so proud of our life and so angry that he'd want to throw it away but also to mess it up for me and the girls.

I'm numb to it now, I don't feel jealous of the OW. I just feel lost. Thank you all for giving me some reassurance and a distraction; a strange juxtaposition that people in my phone are offering me kindness when a person in his phone has caused so much issue. X

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

He does not sound like he is willing to change or really wants to make it work with you at all - I can't understand why he didn't delete tiktok the first time in order to save your marriage.

OP he really needs to go - you really need to be firm.

This is absolutely not about you at all (you state the women he talks to are so different to you) this is about him being immature and selfishly chasing a dream that doesn't exist. And tiktok at his age is just weird and a huge turn off anyway.

You do not deserve to spend the rest of your life distrusting your partner and feeling stressed about him straying again.

Get signed off sick from work. You'll be under enormous stress for a while.
Get the Chumplady book Leave a Cheater Gain a Life on audible today and listen to the chapter Rookie Mistakes of the Newly Chumped.
Don't listen to any more of his nonsense. Cheaters lie, deny, minimise and gaslight. You need to really believe that he Will Not Change. This is who he really is. It's terrifying but you have to face that fear. Loads of us have been where you are and have come out the other side much happier.

And the feeling that an alien has taken over the man you love is absolutely standard in this situation.

I agree with another poster. Sign off work sick. Say you’ve got corona symptoms if you don’t want to tell anyone what’s really going on. Flu like symptoms. Give yourself some breathing space. This is hugely traumatic. He has done this so it’s not down to you to sort out his living arrangements. He’s s grown arsed man so he can work out where to go. He will have to stay with somebody else or rent somewhere. Tell him you want him out. I know it’s hard but you’ll feel better once he’s gone. He’s obviously not happy with the relationship and he’s jerking you around. It’s so disrespectful. He’s told another woman that he’s leaving you. How did you find that out? You’re young. Successful. You can do this. We’re all here for you

and tiktok to pick up women. Yuk. That alone has to mean you dump him surely. It’s gross.

Thanks @SpyApp - I can't get signed off as it would be career suicide but I am working from home right now so have text my boss to say I have internet issues and might be intermittent today so it buys me some breathing space.

I didn't ask him to delete TikTok before. No matter what I think of it (I also think it's strange for a grown man but there's a lot of them apparently!) it was important to me that trusting him again didn't come with conditions- I had to trust him to use it responsibly. He did change the focus of his TikToks to be related to his job (driving) and added that he was married to his homepage (?). The woman he has met is another driver (the trucker comment earlier made me smile!). In the early days he was very open about their group chats etc. weird as it was I wasn't particularly worried until recently.

dakine sending a hand hold

Can you tell the children you’re not feeling well and may be a bit quiet and let them have off home education? Is there some work project you’ve been meaning to do that perhaps could sort of grab your attention?

Or plan in chunks of 15-30 mins. Be kind to yourself.

Could you meditate for a while, breathing deeply, to work out what you want. Then take control and tell him what you want him to do. Whether that’s to try again, move out, sleep on the sofa. Do his own washing and cooking.

Plan for the long weekend. Difficult with lockdown still in place I know but perhaps you could meet a friend at the park whilst he has the children.

Just to say that I went through this 6 mths ago and you will definitely get through this. I’m not there yet but so much stronger than I was.
MN was a godsend for me when it first happened and I was so grateful for the support and positive messages I received. But please confide in your parents (they always want to support you and will) and a good friend. It helps so much to say it out loud to other people in your life who care about you. X

Please don’t put yourself through sleeping in the same bed as him again. If the sofa isn’t an option can your daughters sleep together temporarily (make it into a fun treat) so he can have one of their rooms?

Try if you can to stop your mind running over and over what he's done. I know it's really difficult at this stage because you're in shock and trying to make some sense of it all. You really can't. Instead try to focus on what you are going to do for you and your daughters.

Very tricky situation amplified by the strange times we are living in.
Ask him to sleep on the sofa - gives you some sanctuary and there is nothing worse than lying next to someone you are furious with.
When my marriage ended (cheated on) I felt like my world was crashing down. Now I'm fine. It was actually one of the best things that happened to me, I just couldn't see it at the time.

Imagine this scenario is happening to one of your friends. What advice would you give them? Thinking about you. You sound lovely.