Day 1 of Marriage Breakdown

[dakine]

Reg poster but changed names as some details are outing.

Married for 9 years, together 13. 2 DD (12 and 3).

Last year or so has been rocky, DH has joined a social media site (TikTok- yes he IS a grown man!) and met several women on their with whom he conducted emotional affairs. Brief separation before Xmas but things have been better since then and I trusted him to not continue.

Last month I got a funny feeling about a woman leaving regular comments on videos he'd made and asked him outright it there was anything going on. He said no. Last few weeks have been scattered with arguments because I'm paranoid/jealous/distrustful etc. Things came to a head on Sunday and he assured me that his friendship with this woman was nothing to worry about, he loves me, he wants our relationship to work and doesn't want to destroy anything. Yesterday I asked him if he'd show me his phone as I was feeling unsure and he threw a temper tantrum and it came out for the last month he's been conducting what I think is an emotional affair with the woman- has told her he's leaving me, told her how much he fancies her but hasn't met her (yet). She lives around 1.5 hours away so I believe they haven't physically met.

FWIW I am 31, I have a senior management job (I'm the breadwinner), do most of the childcare/housework and we own our own home. I have a small but close circle of friends that I can rely on for support.

He has said he needs to stay in the family home as he has nowhere else to go and he doesn't know what he want. We don't have a spare bedroom. Last night we just lay there stiff as a board and it was unbearable for me and I'm in a lot of pain mentally.

This is a man I've devoted my life to, trusted when he didn't deserve it and now I feel betrayed and have low self esteem. I just don't know where we go from here.

Hope he took his case & left with it. Cheating whining arse

Yep and let's hope the door whacked him in the arse on his way out.

If you did end up going to the holiday home, you haven't broken any lockdown rules.

Hope he's sleeping in his van tonight, though. The resultant backpain after a week or so of that seems only fair.

If he has a shred of decency he will have left, and not make you and dc leave.

Well done op. I hope he's had the good grace to leave and give you and your dc some breathing space

I'm working from home with a 5 yr old and 10 yr old it can be done!!! Your 12 yr old needs to look after 3 yr old avoid cardboard boxes near taps my 5 yr old flooded conservatory yesterday make packed lunches and enjoy the sunshine on your break. Its upto u whether I forgive and forget or get rid xx

Thank you all. He left about half an hour ago, it was a strained evening and I think at one point I might have strayed into pick me dance "I can't believe you'd give up this wonderful life for a gritty flat and someone you've never met" but I think I pulled it back. I didn't cry, I didn't try to stop him leaving- I came upstairs and had a shower so it was a dignified exit all round.

DD1 (12) is a bit upset but has snuggled up in bed with the TV remote and a cup of tea. I might do the same.

Well done. Hold your head up and keep strong. Keep talking to your friends and have people to lean on.

Well done. The hardest step is the first one. I hope you get some sleep tonight.

Awesome. Well done. Now make sure you have Chumplady on hand for if you start to waver.

Day 2 feel worse than day 1, I think I felt a bit of control over the situation yesterday whereas this morning I woke up thinking "I bet he'll meet her this weekend" and it made me feel sick.

I have a full day of remote work meetings today and I'm not sure if it's a welcome distraction or a barrier to me being able to grieve properly, the good news is that next week I'm on annual leave so can cry every day for the next 10 days.

It is a very sudden change. But remember he has known all about it all the time. You were unwittingly playing a part in his pitiful game.
Whether or not he meets this woman, he has no real way of knowing if she will be anything more than a "player" either.
Meanwhile, you have you head up, your home, your DC and owe it to yourself to enjoy your well earned holiday, no cleaning up after him, no more second guessing. Do some good things with your DC (although limited at the mo) buy new bed linen, curtains, change the orientation of your bedroom, throw out any remaining trash he has left. You have everything to look forward to.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this OP. Give yourself a break, it's early days and everything is so raw - you are bound to feel low & vulnerable. Try and stay string and focus on positives. It's all just a habit that will take time to break. My guess is that it won't be all sunshine & rainbows with her even if he does go. He will be sorry, hurt & missing you but too proud to say. Stay strong. X

Well done OP
You've done the right thing.
He sounds like an immature pillock trying to desperately cling to his 'youth' ugh!

You can do this!
Take care to sort out any joint accounts etc before he clears them

Start being proactive like making sure he doesn’t have access to all your money, see a solicitor etc.

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP. You've given him a chance to be a better partner and, instead, he's completely disrespected you.

It's good (yes it is) that he's no longer physically in your space as it will make things a little easier.

Next step: protect your finances. Ensure he cannot access or drain any joint accounts. Reading some of these threads I'm always amazed at how partners can change so quickly and completely to leave their families financially disadvantaged. Change any passwords you have that he has access to - including your personal email account. I'm assuming he still has keys to your home so lock away any documents he could try and access and keep those keys in a place he wouldn't look.

It's great that you have time off next week. Use it to have fun times with your children but also to move forwards with the practicalities. Lean on friends and family when you need to and disentangle yourself from some of the "wifely duties" you used to do for him - including no more collecting prescriptions for him. That was cheeky of him to ask - these things are now his job.

Good luck @dakine. You will get through this - you are strong. 🌹

Yes definitely make the bank accounts your priority today, especially if you have joint accounts where he can move money away online or over the phone. Also if you have a joint mortgage ting them to make sure there can be no more borrowing against the house without both signatures.
That sick feeling will happen for a while yet but I can promise you it fades and stops.
From experience, you'll get through today ok. The shock will keep you going. In a few days it'll hit you properly so it's good that you're on annual leave.

Well done. I just wanted to say that if he really hasn't ever met her (who knows) then this is LAUGHABLE.

I mean, really? He's planning a life with someone's he's only 'met' on the internet? It's hard enough for people to go from regular affair partners to live-in couple as the thrill is gone and the mundane sets in. Second marriage divorce rates are very high. But this? It's like a bad 90s made-for-TV movie. What could go wrong?

If that really is the situation I think it's very possible that he will be back, cap in hand a few months down the road. By which time I hope you are strong and prepared enough to send him back to where he came from or, better yet, laugh in his face. You deserve the last laugh.

Well done op. You've got this!

Just remember, you might be at rock bottom today and he might be flying high being able to talk to her to his hearts content and not have to worry about you. But for every day you get slightly stronger or feel even the slightest bit better, the shine will be disappearing from his excitement. There will come a time when you feel better than he does, and when you're strong and getting on with life he'll be a sad excuse for a man and regretting being such a wanker

I found it took me a few months to untangle our lives from each other. When you are together so long you are just so used to behaving in a certain way and it is all quite a habit. Texting, shopping, kids info etc is just normal to share everything.
What helped me was booking a holiday and taking the kids away ON MY OWN !! First time ever. Was terrifying. But after that, I grew in confidence and havent looked back.
It doesnt have to be that big a milestone (cant be atm obvs) but do something on your own that you would usually rely on him for or do together and start unravelling the threads of you as a couple.

He wasn’t considering your feelings when he was having emotional affairs was he so why should you consider his feelings when he’s got nowhere to go? Not your problem really!

Sorry just read your updates. Sorry this has happened to you. But if he can throw your life away for tiktok then he didn’t value it and you deserve someone who values you.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I was there last year. First stage was a strange world of shock and disbelief. Small steps, lean on friends and family. Make a list and when you have the time and strength work through it - change passwords, make copies of important paperwork, financials, solicitor, next of kin updates (including pension payouts etc).

You can do this and you will be ok x

Eurgh what a douche, flirting on TikTok. The tiktoking alone would be enough to put me off.

Places are renting out still. He needs to look ASAP. Why can’t he go to parents or friends?

He said he wanted to leave so he can fucking well leave. I’m fuming for you. Please because very selfish and stop thinking about him