Day 1 of Marriage Breakdown

[dakine]

Reg poster but changed names as some details are outing.

Married for 9 years, together 13. 2 DD (12 and 3).

Last year or so has been rocky, DH has joined a social media site (TikTok- yes he IS a grown man!) and met several women on their with whom he conducted emotional affairs. Brief separation before Xmas but things have been better since then and I trusted him to not continue.

Last month I got a funny feeling about a woman leaving regular comments on videos he'd made and asked him outright it there was anything going on. He said no. Last few weeks have been scattered with arguments because I'm paranoid/jealous/distrustful etc. Things came to a head on Sunday and he assured me that his friendship with this woman was nothing to worry about, he loves me, he wants our relationship to work and doesn't want to destroy anything. Yesterday I asked him if he'd show me his phone as I was feeling unsure and he threw a temper tantrum and it came out for the last month he's been conducting what I think is an emotional affair with the woman- has told her he's leaving me, told her how much he fancies her but hasn't met her (yet). She lives around 1.5 hours away so I believe they haven't physically met.

FWIW I am 31, I have a senior management job (I'm the breadwinner), do most of the childcare/housework and we own our own home. I have a small but close circle of friends that I can rely on for support.

He has said he needs to stay in the family home as he has nowhere else to go and he doesn't know what he want. We don't have a spare bedroom. Last night we just lay there stiff as a board and it was unbearable for me and I'm in a lot of pain mentally.

This is a man I've devoted my life to, trusted when he didn't deserve it and now I feel betrayed and have low self esteem. I just don't know where we go from here.

Try and concentrate on the practice things. Set yourself little tasks during the day.

Speak to a solicitor and find out where you stand financially

Start to make copies and squirrel away important documents, his pensions, bank statements, passports for job and the dc, marriage certificates etc

Can you set up a little bed in one of the dc rooms or lounge that you can take turns in using

Create a rota for childcare, cleaning, chores etc

If you have joint accounts I'd start to separate them, it's far easier whilst he's there to do these things

Plus, use your child free time to look after yourself. Take a bath, drive to a secluded spot for a walk, talk/FaceTime family and friends, tell them what's happened and lean on them for support

Sorry you are going through this. Can you book a couple of days holiday to give yourself some breathing space to work things through?
Can he go and stay with family or a friend to get out of the house? Or send him packing to this new lady?
You have achieved so much in your life and should feel proud. You’ll probably feel a huge sense of relief when he has gone. Yes it is scary as he’s all you have ever known, but you have great kids and a great job.
Once he’s out, you’ll soon find you get into your own little routine and you’ll feel lots better not having someone who makes you feel so worthless sapping everything from you. I know it’s easier from the outside looking in, but you will get through this and you will be ok. Stay strong xx

So you’ve got a husband that’s desperately trying to cheat you n you and leave you and is only staying because he’s got no where to go. However you are completely self sufficient and the only thing stopping you from leaving the twat is the romantic notion of what could have been (had he not of been a dick)

Pack your bags. You’re very young. All will be OK in the end x

Don’t pack your bags-pack his!

If they are both drivers out all day are you sure they havent/don't meet?

By the way, at 31, in senior management, and a home owner, AND a mother of two, your self esteem should be high!! You have achieved so much!

^ This ^

I finally kicked out my husband just before lockdown (thank goodness!) I wish I’d done it years ago. I no longer have the fear / anxiety that he’s cheating; I don’t try to keep on top of social media trends and torture myself about where he might be meeting people; I don’t feel there is a decision to be made. I just feel free. It’s amazing.

Don’t waste years torturing yourself like I did. Kick him out! Move on with your life. It sounds like you’ll be hugely successful without him.

He does have somewhere to go, send him to the other woman!

OP you sound like an amazing woman, you’ve achieved so much and you’ll be great with or without him - he is not your worth. I think your observation that you’ve outgrown each other is probably correct. Could he also be jealous that you’ve achieved so much? I think take a couple of days to just be with your feelings, you don’t need to do anything really fast. He can certainly sleep on the sofa though, sod him.

So sorry you’re going through this. He sounds like a man-child - falling for someone he’s never met and ignoring the needs of his wife and children.
You sound strong and successful. I know he’s all you’ve ever known but I can guarantee once you will be better off without him in the long run.
Sending you love xx

Wow you are worth 10 of him. You are so accomplished and he has no integrity. You will have such a bright future.

Id make him go op. Tough if he has to sleep in the car/truck - he's made his bed. It's one thing to be cheating and remorseful, but he's not - he's making it worse and harder for you by being cruel to you too.

You sound like a warrior. He needs to suffer a bit for his actions. Give you some space. X

Thanks for your kind words. I'm not doing great this morning - I've text him a couple of times and immediately regretted it- if he told me he loved me and he wanted to make a go of it I know I'd cave so I keep trying to remind myself that he's doing me favour by being a bellend.

Annoyingly he replied to one message and asked me to pick up a prescription for him and I agreed. I feel like waiting for a car crash to happen at 5pm when he walks through the door and is just as cold as last night when I've spent all day crying over him

Oh bless you. I get the urge to just do what’s normal, texting and normal day to day stuff, it makes sense when everything’s topsy turvy. Be kind to yourself.

Might be worth thinking what you want from the next few days though. You are not obligated to be kind.

Oh OP, please get angry. You are worth so much more.
He’s treated you horribly and you are chasing him and still doing his chores. He is still treating you like crap as he knows he can. He thinks he can give you the cold shoulder for a few days, you will say sorry ( because obviously it’s your fault he treats you like this (which it absolutely isn’t)) then life will carry on and he can keep doing what he’s doing with his female trucker.
You are stronger than you think, you deserve to be respected and loved and you deserve to be with someone you can trust. Sit down and really think about what he does bring to your life (good and bad). I think it’s sometimes easier to process if it’s written down in black & white.
You are not breaking up your family, he’s done that. He can still have a relationship with his children So don’t stay for them. Would you want one of your daughters to be married to a man like him? That’s the thought that gave me the courage to Chuck my cheating abuser out. Get angry!!

Agree - what would you be advising your daughter to do if she were in your situation? Please also tell your parents so they can help you.

So sorry you are going through this. I second Chump Lady, she got me through my darkest hours after exh left me for another woman last year.

I'm sorry, did I just read that correctly... he asked you to pick up his prescription!! After what you've just found out.....What an entitled, piss taking twat!!

He has said he needs to stay in the family home as he has nowhere else to go and he doesn't know what he want
Tough shit!!! It's not up to him now.
YOU need to take back control of your own life OP.
You know this.
You have achieved so much.
Don't let this lying, cheating scumbag ruin your self-esteem.
I'd be packing a bag and putting it outside.
That would be the last text to him today - 'Your stuff is out front. Do not come back here until I contact you'
Then give yourself some space.
As I'm almost sure you won't do that, stop doing things for him.
He does his own washing, cooking, shopping, cleaning, ironing etc...
And... HE SLEEPS ON THE COUCH.
If you won't kick him out then at least make yourself feel a bit better by getting the spare bedding out of the cupboard ready for later!

He's on 34K. That's plenty to rent somewhere with. Get him on spare room.com for now, or even better tell him as he's said he's leaving you for this other woman, then tell him to piss off to hers.

Then get the solicitor rolling, buy him out of his share and live your best life!

Chumplady.com please read it and stop doing the pick me dance

Yes agree with PP above - he’s not poor, he won’t suffer moving out. I assume you can cover the housing costs alone at least for the mean time?

Have printed ChumpLady's pick me dance article and stuck it to the fridge (my favourite hangout right now!).

He's due home at 5pm. I have packed him a bag and one for me and the kids. If he doesn't take his I will take mine. My family have a holiday let and I'll break lockdown rules to move there for the time being if I need to.

I have confided in a couple of close friends who have all been suitably lovely and called him all the right names.

Your future self will thank you from the bottom of her heart for not doing the pick me dance.

Try and tell yourself, end of a chapter of your life and try. It to waste time think of the ifs and maybes. You have got this. Be strong as you can you deserve better and you will find it on day. But for now kick him to the couch or preferably out or whatever. get your ducks in a row including finances so he can't pull one over on you. Make a choice to not waste more of your life upset over him. I'm speaking.from experience first time I caught mine doing something like that I was deviated took years to get over it, so jealous and upset etc. The next time I started like that again but I got.in a hot shower and I thought no. Hell no. I'm strong I've got this he doesn't have the power to make me a wreak. I can take him.or leave him and I'll be fine as like you I earned more than him. And I was fine.

Well done on talking to people about this.
It makes it real and it's a big step.
Good luck OP.
A holiday let sounds like the perfect place to escape to, to give yourself a bit of space!