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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

if you thought your dh might be having an affair would you confront him?

26 replies

buggggger · 19/09/2007 18:41

name changed

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 19/09/2007 18:43

yep
But I'd see a solicitor first, check access to money etc, decide what I thought I'd do.

stressteddy · 19/09/2007 18:44

Oh God yes. I wouldn't be the silent type who waited for more evidence
Are you ok?

hug

lulumama · 19/09/2007 18:45

don;t know

depends if it was suspicion or firm proof

and what WWW said

Piggy · 19/09/2007 18:46

I'd get proof then confront him.

Then rip his balls off.

stressteddy · 19/09/2007 18:47

I have to say I wouldn't want proof - I would just go for the confrontation. If I even suspected then I would feel ok to do this

lulumama · 19/09/2007 18:49

but if he wasn;t, then you could set a very destructive course of events in motion

without proof, if he denies it, where do you go from there>

Budababe · 19/09/2007 18:49

I'd get proof and get myself financially sorted as much as possible and see a solicitor. Of course that is because I wouldn't forgive an affair. However everyone is different and if you think you could forgive then what you do may be different.

Hope you are wrong - if not you know where we are.

gibberish · 19/09/2007 18:49

Yes. I couldn't make myself not confront him, with or without proof.

TellusMater · 19/09/2007 18:50

If you weren't having an affair, and your DH confronted you suspecting that you were - how would you react?

gibberish · 19/09/2007 18:53

I'd be upset (understatement) that he hadn't trusted me but at the same time would rather he confronted me early on so that we could talk about the suspicions he had and clear the air before things festered and got out of hand.

gingerninger · 19/09/2007 18:59

Not initially. I thought my dh was having an affair once confronted him about it but he denied it point blank. I kept having a nagging suspicion, a few years later it came out after the two of them were a little drunk that when my dad died I took the children to Yorkshire to help get over the grief and he said to her 'that was when me and you...'
In retrospect, I should have gone away for a few days hired a private detective and found out the truth. Then this would have given me the time to think through my options. In my situation I instinctively knew my husband was lying.
Does your dh lie?

stressteddy · 19/09/2007 18:59

Please talk to us - are you ok????

CountessDracula · 19/09/2007 19:01

Yes of course, immediately.

I am financially independent though, if you aren't you might not want to

CountessDracula · 19/09/2007 19:01

Oh sorry
I would have to have some pretty strong evidence

fawkeoff · 19/09/2007 19:02

if there is enough shit going on to mske you doubt him then confront him.it's very rare that a woman has a niggling suspicion and she is wrong

Original poster
buggggger · 19/09/2007 19:02

can't right now

will say more when i can

dh home soon

OP posts:
fawkeoff · 19/09/2007 19:03

can i also say that wouldnt give a flyin feck if i wasn't financially stable to end the relationship, i would rather be on my own and struggle than stay with a cheating lying todge bag for money

granarybeck · 19/09/2007 19:04

Yes, but be prepared for whatever the answer may be. Or for a complete denial that you may still not believe.

CountessDracula · 19/09/2007 19:04

Well no nor would I
But I guess lots of people do stay with people becasue they are financially dependent on them

HappyWoman · 19/09/2007 19:18

I have been there and do agree that if you have a nagging sussicicion (sp) then you are probably right.

However i now would get the evidence because i do feel that he would lie anyway and even make you feel you are totally in the wrong and then make sure he covers his tracks even more.

Also do get some advice legally as it is quite empowering to 'know' that you will be ok and be able to cope.

Women do get a better deal these days - but it is still something men seem to 'frighten' us with.

Good luck - i know how you feel it is an awful place to be, with emotions all over the place. Take care of yourself

mistressmiggins · 19/09/2007 20:53

I have been there too - I didnt come out with it but said was upset about txting etc from OW.
I finally found out and threw the phone at him.....8 weeks later we split up.

CAB is a good place to find out information
Solicitor is a hard route to go down unless you're sure an affair is the end of you.

Sorry you're in this situation

macdoodle · 19/09/2007 21:24

Well I did but he denied it adamantly made out I was paranoid and mad - until I had proof phone bills and a sighting then I lost the plot and threw him out
Turns out I was right all along from the very first suspicion and every lie thereafter

HappyWoman · 20/09/2007 07:02

Thats the problem, without proof he will just turn it around to make out you are the one who is mad and as the op already has doubts he will just say she is not being completely rational. Thats the way these things make you feel - paranoind.

You will find it hard to think he could do this to you and you then start to doubt everything.

I still say - stay calm and in control - which is easier said that done and get that proof and have a really good think about what you want to do about it.

He is probably not thinking straight either - but dont make excuses for him - think about you not him now.

Good luck

hatingtoberight · 20/09/2007 07:52

Totally agree with the Gettign Evidence route first - apart from anything it reassures you that you aren't going mad - a commone feelign already mentioned on here. In my situation it was the Knowledge Is Power aspect that helped me carry on for awhile.
Unfortunately , or fortunately whichever way you look at it, a woman's nagging feeling about something like this is so often accurate ( as borne out by posters below). I am so sorry that you're goign through this because it's awful. Also , I don't think it matters if your Dh has lied to you before - my never had...but he did over this initally.

PS - if you need any advice about how to check emails/history etc - I'm your woman! ( learned the hard way and have already posted when I was goign through it)
Good luck

shazyface · 21/09/2007 14:09

hi ya im a mum of two young children, and boy i have been through the affait thing, first your intuition is sooo right( u just know ) i confronted him when my ist child was three e denied it ,told me i was going potty, all in my mind - e sed, then e would take the chip out of his phone and put another 1 in so e could talk to the ow! confronted him- e told me i was loopy ,e kept staying out late,it goes on and on and on anyway had another baby on the way and started to think e actually had another house somewhere, so confronted him, he as usual sed same old things,it all in my head etc etc, so in the end it finally all came out e came ome with scratches all over his face ,ow did it! so e left, by now i had a 10wk old baby!and i was right (that niggling feeling) he had bought another house and had been living with her and her kids for over a year and also coming home to me and my kids!(this lying from him went on for nearly four years) so please if you have that gutfeeling you most certainly will be right).