How can I stop these intrusive and negative thoughts?

[jojobar]

I ended a LTR recently, I have posted about it too many times probably but I have no one to talk to in real life, because my only real friend was my Ex. And obviously I can't discuss with him.

I probably need therapy but I'm struggling to find a therapist who is currently working and taking on new clients, plus I'm not sure how comfortable I feel with Zoom therapy sessions anyway, it all feels awkward.

I keep thinking I could have tried harder, done more, if only I hadn't played it the way I did, the outcome could or would have been different. I did love him so much, and I'm really so sad it's over. I know he wasn't great and in some respects treated me poorly.

But then I read threads about dating on here where women in their 40s are told they probably won't find anyone who is tall/ attractive/ intelligent when you're in your 40s and I had that. He was all those things. So by that thought process I shouldn't have let him go because I'm unlikely to get anyone even as good?

So that's one of the thoughts torturing me.

The other is around his infidelity last year. The woman he was involved with turned into the stereotypical bunny boiler and persistently contacted me, making up fake social media accounts etc,she didn't stop until I threatened her with the police. She told me he'd only ever seen her as casual sex behind my back, that he never wanted a relationship with her but she hoped if she could get me out of the way he'd change his mind (we did split up but then got back together). She told me that I'm not good enough for him, I don't know what he wants and her parting shot to us both was that she was better than me, our relationship couldn't be saved and in 6 months we'd split up again, and she'd be waiting.

And of course that has happened, 6ish months on that's where we are. It pains me that she was right, and the thought of him ending up with her knocks me sick. She and I are complete opposites, I have a professional job, degree educated, own my home outright, whereas she works part time in a shop and lives with her parents. Her describing herself as better than me absolutely burns me, that she or anyone else could think that was true. I don't think it will happen, but I can't stand the thought of her ending up with him. If I think about him with someone, anyone else, it still feels a bit painful, but not as much.

So I'm sitting her thinking about her smug face telling me how she's better than me (mainly because she's younger and she claims better in bed, whatever), how she was right about our relationship, and I feel so angry about it all. And then think what if she was at least partly right? Is she better than me? And it just makes me feel shit.

How do I stop thinking this stuff? I was brought up to think one of the worst things is people laughing at you and/or knowing more than you, or getting one over on you. I keep thinking of her laughing and gloating at me and it makes me want to scream.

tall/ attractive/ intelligent

I think you meed to start by realising that these are not the most attractive qualities in a man and that a man who 'fails' to tick any of these boxes isn't substandard somehow.

Perhaps focus on finding someone who is great and doesn't treat you poorly would make you happier.

She and I are complete opposites, I have a professional job, degree educated, own my home outright, whereas she works part time in a shop and lives with her parents. Her describing herself as better than me absolutely burns me, that she or anyone else could think that was true

And I don't even know where to begin with that!

I'm sorry, I dont have anything constructive offer because your criteria for a relationship is so far out of my realm of experience that I cant even find a starting point beyond 'be less shallow' and 'who cares what other people are thinking/saying?'

I'm also university educated in a professional job, etc etc, but I dont think it makes me better than a anyone else. I don't rank people's 'value' or worth dependent on their life circumstances or their appearances. Whereas you clearly place a lot of value on these things.

I was brought up to think one of the worst things is people laughing at you and/or knowing more than you, or getting one over on you

Reassess! You decide what's the worst thing a person can do - it is infidelity? Making people feel bad?

Fuck both of them, they sound horrible. I hope more decent people come into your life very soon.

I've worked hard to get where I am, I come from a poor background and the fact I've done well educationally and career-wise/ financially is something I'm proud of, and I think is one of the things that makes me attractive to others.

It's not my only good quality, I like to think I have others, in terms of how I interact and deal with others. I try to always be thoughtful, supportive and considerate, for example. It hurts me that someone describes themselves as better than me when I've tried my whole life to be as good as I can at everything, I always try my hardest.

Maybe I do need to learn to tune out the words of others? I'm not sure how to do that though, I am very affected by other people's actions, comments etc. I find insults very hard to deal with - although doesn't everyone at least to some extent?

As for my Ex, he had many non physical good qualities which were equally important. I wouldn't have spent 6 years with him absent those. He was unfaithful to me, and I did struggle to get past that, and more recently he was quite aggressive to me which caused me to end our relationship. For the first 5 years though our relationship was very good, and I supported him through a number of very stressful life events. He was far from perfect, and I'm not expecting someone without faults. But because I'm over 40 I can't hope of finding someone on my wavelength, who is clever and funny and caring (which my Ex was), and also I find physically attractive? I'm not talking about some kind of male model, my Ex wasn't that at all, but to me he was exactly my physical type. And I think physical attraction is important; you can develop an emotional connection, but you need the physical side too.

It's hard - I can still hear my dad (who died 25 years ago) saying 'don't let anyone get one over on you Jojo, don't let it happen'.

As a young person I had a lot of 'friendships' where my so called friends would laugh at and mock me, usually behind my back although sometimes to my face. It made me very suspicious of people and very vulnerable to any hint that people are laughing at or mocking me, even years on.

I probably need to try and get over it after so long.

She isn't better than you. You know this.

And they didn't get one over on you.

They simply lied and misused your trust.

It happens to most people, regardless of their education or looks or whatever.

It is human instinct to reach out, trust, want contact, relationships etc.

Your ex sounds awful. He really does. Aggressive towards you? Unfaithful and using another woman for causal sex and then discarding her? Wow. What a catch. They are both pitiful.

I think you've had a lucky escape and bloody well done for escaping. Lots of people wouldn't have had the guts.

So, what are you afraid of? Being single forevermore? You have many many years of life left and every reason to enjoy them and every opportunity to meet new people, Covid-19 permitting.

Is it exacerbated because of lockdown?

And you had lots of people mocking you? That sounds really hurtful.

And I can see why you might feel anyone trying to get one over on you is such an issue.

But look at yourself. You're a professional. You're doing well. You have many attractive qualities. You've got so many positives.

And one more positive is that you know when to walk away when people are being cruel and inappropriate. Lots don't or can't do that.

With "friendships" like that, it's totally understandable how you feel. Any one of us would feel the same.

I don't know how to de-programme it I'm afraid, except to know that's it's a totally normal reaction.

Wankers

Gosh, OP. There is so much to pick through in that!

Ok...

It hurts me that someone describes themselves as better than me when I've tried my whole life to be as good as I can at everything, I always try my hardest.

Just ignore her. Literally, ignore her. She clearly knows this so a trigger for you and is pressing your buttons. Besides which, no, she is not better than you but neither are you better than her. The only person you can comparing yourself to is you! Are you a better person today, this week, this month etc than you were? She is irrelevant.

I find insults very hard to deal with - although doesn't everyone at least to some extent?

Honestly? No. Tbh, I can't remember the last time someone insulted me but I'd be more inclined to be amused if someone was shouting insults at me. After all, it reveals an awful lot more about them than it would about me. Put it this way. A confident and secure person doesn't need to go around shouting insults at people...

He was unfaithful to me, and I did struggle to get past that,

I personally think that was a mistake. Infidelity is a dealbrealer for me. I wouldn't even consider trying myself up in knots to get past it. And I didn't.

and also I find physically attractive

Ah well that is different. Of course it's important to find someone attractive. But finding them attractive and considering them objectively attractive as a measure of 'value'..? I think my boyfriend is gorgeous. I can pretty much guarantee you wouldn't agree

Thanks, I think I needed to hear some of this from others. That I wasn't 'wrong' to trust him. The infidelity really hurt me because I have never been a suspicious person. I never scrutinised his behaviour, or doubted what he told me because he loved me and why would he hurt me?
One of her little pearls was how when I used to phone him when he was in the car, sometimes she would be with him and hear our conversation, and they would laugh about me afterwards and how stupid and gullible I was. He flat out denied this (and as he admitted everything else I think she was exaggerating, but even if there was a bit of truth in it, that was so hurtful).

It's hard because I thought we were forever. I absolutely trusted him and he was my best friend, the person who I thought would never let me down, and he did, pretty spectacularly. And as much as I am so disappointed in him, I'm disappointed at myself for not seeing it, because I should have done better.

He sent me a message recently saying he's been looking back over our old messages and emails, and it was clear how happy we were together until he (in his words) fucked it all up.

That broke me, because it was true.

He wants to be friends but to me that feels like self harm, and I'm doing enough of that already by binge eating. But equally never seeing him again feels almost as painful.

It seems that your self worth is dependent on external factors (job, achievement etc) and what others think of you.

What was your upbringing like? It seems that you lost a parent at a v young age - this must have been incredibly traumatic for you.

Sunshine is correct. When someone insults you or throws accusations, it is almost always because of their own insecurities. Most of the time the things they level at you are what they think of themselves, but because our own egos can’t admit that, they lash out at others. If someone threw a hot coal in your direction, would you catch it or step aside? Its the same with insults, if you catch it (believe it) it will burn.

How sad for 2 women to be fighting over this loser.

Have you done the freedom programme?

betterhelp has online counseling for a reasonable fee

I like the hot coal analogy, that's a good way of looking at it. I can see that throwing insults is a reflection of insecurity. I am usually pretty good at arguing a point without stooping to insults, when I do use them I feel weaker. So I should reflect on that really.

I know for many people the infidelity would have been the end. I thought it would be for me, and then I was in that position and I couldn't give up on everything we had. I've never been happier than I was with him when things were good, it's the only relationship where I felt I could be myself, where he loved me for me, understood me. There was so much good, I wanted us to try and save it. Plus his parent was terminally ill. I don't regret trying again, I'm just sad that his OW was apparently proved right that we wouldn't last.

I know how it feels for the person you thought was your whole world to screw you over

I kept on telling everyone how unfair it was. Think I was looking for validation or something? What helped me was trusting in my own judgement enough to believe yes it was bloody awful!! Really letting myself feel the full force of the sadness and anger. That calmed me down, and I was able to let go.

Also in retrospect, it was very silly to make someone else "my whole world", won't be doing that again.

I'm actually quite scared to allow myself fully to feel sad about this, I've spent days being sad and down about it, but while this isn't quite the same as losing my parents, it's the next worst thing I've been through. I've also been with him through the loss of 2 members of his immediate family, one of which was late last year, they are still much missed.

I remember after my parents died feeling stuck in a grief loop - sadness, anger, unfairness, and then endless bargaining, what I would give up to still have them. It's kind of similar with him, the what could I have done differently, how could I have avoided the same outcome.

One of our shared loves was scifi, especially time travel. A bloody time machine is about the only way I can change any of this.

I understand about not making someone your everything but I didn't have any choice, I don't have family other than my children, and I've not got any close friends. I 'know' lots of people, but actual people I can call in a crisis, none. I've been there for others but when I've needed them they've let me down. So it was just him. He was in a similar position which is why he wants us to remain friends.

God you poor thing, you've really been through it haven't you

Sounds like feeling the sadness would mean to you that's it's fully over, and that's THE HARDEST thing.

All I can think to say is cliched nonsense, but you are strong enough - get in touch with your anger as well as the sadness, it'll power you through. I didn't for ages (had been trained it's criminally unfeminine to show or even feel anger) but I now realise it's essential to recovery.

My husband is tall, attractive and intelligent - but that’s not why I married him. I married him because he is kind, has similar values to me, respects me and listens to me! It’s natural you are feeling this way but it will pass. He’s cheated on you - does not sound like a good catch at all! You will be the one gloating at her in six months time when he cheats on her with someone else!

I’m sorry OP, but thinking you’ve lost out because you won’t get someone tall and that this constitutes a deal breaker as opposed to their attractiveness strikes me as absurd as a guy saying “I’m in my 40s now! I won’t get a wife with massive boobs! Don’t judge me, I can’t find someone attractive if they’re not at least an E cup!”

I’m pointing this out, not to have a go but rather to say, in both cases, the “must have, personal taste” just so happens to be something only the shallower end of society deems “essential”. So I wonder if this isn’t wrapped up in your wider issue of feeling you have to appear acceptable to other people? Like you feel you “need” to have that 6ft plus partner because then others will think “hey, she’s done well!” And not (in your mind, since most decent people won’t) laugh at you or look down on you for not having someone more “presentable”?

oh gosh. I have been through similar - even down to the insane gf who stalked and messaged him and me incessantly until she "won" the prize. She would send him naked photos, turn up at his house at 3am, she even dressed like me. she was obsessed. And she won him!

I never thought though that she was better than me. Never. I never wondered what she had that I didn't.

afterwards he would contact me all the time. Telling me he had made a massive mistake. He would contact me when they were on holidays together - she thought they were having the time of their lives and he was still plotting his escape.

Look she's not better than you. But he's not worth dwelling on. Whatever his mistake (and mine would tell me he was tricked, lied to, even abused), he has made his bed. I suggest you do get counselling - it will help massively.

Lockdown makes it all so hard. I've recently broken up with another boyfriend, and it's so tough, I miss him so much. There's too much time and not enough distraction!

OP I understand that you are hurt so will try to be kind, but honestly you have a horrible way of looking at people. being educated, or owning a house, or having a job, doesn't make you better than anyone. You may have worked hard, but it's the basic requirements of being an adult. This is not 1800s. More women go to university than men now. And the way you look at a man, "tall and attractive"? And a woman over 40 can't have that? Again you are rating people based on their looks and age. I think you have a very warped way of looking at the world. By all means judge people by their actions, being horrible to you, cheating on you, using you, that is what makes a person "bad", not their job or living situation.

I would suggest looking inwardly at your self esteem, and how you are "rating" people as better or worse than you. Get some counselling, and hope you get over the hurt, and feel better soon.

Especially as it's recent, how you're feeling is only natural, and a GP said to me once that losing a relationship can be as painful as a bereavement.

But then I read threads about dating on here where women in their 40s are told they probably won't find anyone who is tall/ attractive/ intelligent when you're in your 40s

I've never seen anyone say that here really. Of course you can.

If he's said he fucked up, it seems like he may eventually try to get back with you- please don't let him. Please block him on everything.

When it comes to helping with painful memories, EMDR therapy is one of the most evidence based, and is said to work faster than usual therapy. I've found it very helpful.

You could find some other close friends- I know it's hard but it can be done. I think it'ss just trial and error.

Hugs xxxxx

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) You will get a specific therapist for this therapy. Google it. Zoom or phone call is being offered at this time. Are you comfortable with video call?

I know you've said you aren't sure about online therapy but these guys are really good

www.wellbeing-clinic.co.uk/frequently-asked-questions