How can I stop these intrusive and negative thoughts?

[jojobar]

I ended a LTR recently, I have posted about it too many times probably but I have no one to talk to in real life, because my only real friend was my Ex. And obviously I can't discuss with him.

I probably need therapy but I'm struggling to find a therapist who is currently working and taking on new clients, plus I'm not sure how comfortable I feel with Zoom therapy sessions anyway, it all feels awkward.

I keep thinking I could have tried harder, done more, if only I hadn't played it the way I did, the outcome could or would have been different. I did love him so much, and I'm really so sad it's over. I know he wasn't great and in some respects treated me poorly.

But then I read threads about dating on here where women in their 40s are told they probably won't find anyone who is tall/ attractive/ intelligent when you're in your 40s and I had that. He was all those things. So by that thought process I shouldn't have let him go because I'm unlikely to get anyone even as good?

So that's one of the thoughts torturing me.

The other is around his infidelity last year. The woman he was involved with turned into the stereotypical bunny boiler and persistently contacted me, making up fake social media accounts etc,she didn't stop until I threatened her with the police. She told me he'd only ever seen her as casual sex behind my back, that he never wanted a relationship with her but she hoped if she could get me out of the way he'd change his mind (we did split up but then got back together). She told me that I'm not good enough for him, I don't know what he wants and her parting shot to us both was that she was better than me, our relationship couldn't be saved and in 6 months we'd split up again, and she'd be waiting.

And of course that has happened, 6ish months on that's where we are. It pains me that she was right, and the thought of him ending up with her knocks me sick. She and I are complete opposites, I have a professional job, degree educated, own my home outright, whereas she works part time in a shop and lives with her parents. Her describing herself as better than me absolutely burns me, that she or anyone else could think that was true. I don't think it will happen, but I can't stand the thought of her ending up with him. If I think about him with someone, anyone else, it still feels a bit painful, but not as much.

So I'm sitting her thinking about her smug face telling me how she's better than me (mainly because she's younger and she claims better in bed, whatever), how she was right about our relationship, and I feel so angry about it all. And then think what if she was at least partly right? Is she better than me? And it just makes me feel shit.

How do I stop thinking this stuff? I was brought up to think one of the worst things is people laughing at you and/or knowing more than you, or getting one over on you. I keep thinking of her laughing and gloating at me and it makes me want to scream.

Oooh same. Mines 5 foot 4, going bald but ooh my god hes bloody lovely yum

Mine's bald too.

Wouldn't change a thing about him 😊

Nor me.

I've got loads going for me I suppose. Lost tons of weight 2 years ago, I look presentable these days but I ain't rich 🤣 I'm nearly 43. I find it quite sad that its assumed that we want tall attractive virile men with good career and money. It's not true

I'll take my gorgeous, short,balding, slightly overweight (in his eyes) but physically fit wonderful bloke over an arseholelike my ex any day

God, same here, ghostmous3

I think I've got a fair bit going for me too. Often told I look younger than my 45 years; size 12 hourglass figure; first class degree; Masters degree; nice, albeit small, house in a desirable area...

But none of that is as important as the fact I'm kind, loyal, compassionate, thoughtful... and that's really what I want in someone else. I haven't seen the idea that women over 40 can't get a tall, handsome, intelligent man touted on here with the exception that all the good guys are often snapped up young and kept!

But that's got nothing to do with height or looks.

Small steps, but I started writing things down yesterday, a sort of journalling. Managed about 6 hours sleep too which is more than I have in weeks, so feeling a little better for that.

I still have all manner of negative thoughts about this whole situation but I'm hoping that reframing them, and writing down my reframing, is going to help me try to feel slightly less bound up in sadness. Telling myself things will turn out ok in the end, and if it's not ok (yet), then it's not the end.

That’s a good start. It’s good that you have resisted taking any action to connect with him. It’s important be decisive of what your vision for the future is - is it to place him in the rear view mirror, learn something positive from it and look forward to a new fresh chapter - or is it to work to getting him back in your life or seek revenge on the OW?

It’s important to process your feelings. Getting your thoughts out of your head onto paper is important. Be careful that this doesn’t just become another obsessional pass-time. It’s easy and seductive to get sucked into rambling narratives and this can end up being counter productive where your head is always still in the game.

Maybe develop some positive mantras to recite to interrupt intrusive thoughts and make sure that your journaling is truly reflective - that it builds each day with thoughts but also positive actions and beliefs that move you forward and don’t keep you stuck and ruminating for too long.

I've had some horrendous things happen over the past few years- involving people treating me very badly. You do find yourself going over and over it and you're quite right you need to break the cycle of thoughts. I found self hypnosis very good. I do it at night- I found ones building my self esteem very good. Its a positive quick and easy thing you can do every day and it helped me immensely. You need to change the narrative around what's happened to you and move forward. Counselling would help but its expensive and difficult to access sometimes. I found the self hypnosis excellent and I stuck at it.

I've had no contact with the OW since last year (when I told her never to contact me again or I'd report her to the police for harassment), and I never want to see or hear from her again. So definitely no plans for revenge or any form of contact ever, as far as I'm concerned she no longer exists. Hopefully in time I'll forget her shitty comments and for now I will just focus on changing how I see them.

I don't want to get stuck in a loop of it though. My fear is ending up being some kind of Miss Havisham, remaining mired in the pain of what's happened. What lies ahead, that different future that I never thought I'd have, is scary, but equally so is the thought of never getting over this.

When i split up with my DC's dad (another complete dick, his favourite things to tell me was that I was fat/ugly/lazy and that no man would want me, that I wasn't capable of being happy and made everyone around me miserable. Oh, and that I had no real friends. He might've had a point with the last one. I do however recognise all those comments were a reflection of his own insecurity and pain and not true) I used to think about when the DC at some point got married. At low points I used to think of their dad turning up with his irritating family, a new partner, etc and me sat at the back on my own, edged out of everything by sheer numbers.

Obviously, when I was with my now Ex, in that vision of wedding future, I saw us at the front, on the top table etc (my kids have had far more to do with my Ex than their dad in the last 6 years). And now I'm back to being on my own.

But that might change, and I don't feel like the future I saw years ago is the same. I'm very different even to the person I was 6 years ago, I have made loads of positive changes, so that's all good. I have exited this relationship in a better position in all aspects of my life than when I entered it. My Ex has a lot to do with that, for encouraging me to believe in myself. That's something good I can take from the last 6 years.

That's good that you have started to write things down. Just getting it out of your head safely is a huge thing!

Of course everything will be ok in the end. I'm a huge believer is taking control of these things and deciding for yourself what it is going to look like.

It's absolutely fine (and positive) to acknowledge what you have taken/learnt/gained from this relationship bit he clearly wasn't perfect or he wouldn't have done what he did. That doesn't mean you didn't benefit from the relationship.

It does, however, put you in a better position for the next one.

I actually feel that there is huge strength in being happy and securely on your own.

If you do end up having to face your children's dad at some point in the future, you won't feel pushed out. You were the one who stuck with them and brought them up.

My children are now 21 and 14 and they know the score it will be fine x

A former colleague (who had at that point been long divorced herself) said to me that 'children vote with their fee' and it's true.
Once mine got old enough to make their own way to their dads, they stopped going EOW, or indeed at all, that's mainly because he's a bit of a dick and they just don't like him that much. They now see him at Christmas for the day, and probably 2-3 other days in the year. He does ring them every couple of weeks, pre-lockdown would offer to take them for meals regularly but they're not bothered.

If I compare me to when I left him, to me now, I might be significantly older, but in every other respect I'm so much better off, and that's something I've added to my journal because it's important to remember how far I've come.

Feet not fee!
Although in non lockdown times I do find taking them anywhere is an expensive business