Grumpy H calls me fat

[Ebonycat]

I am 5ft 5”. When we married I was 10 stone 4lbs (and a size 10) – 7 years, two children, some postnatal depression and two house moves later I am now 11 stone 2lbs (size 12/14). I have lost 5lbs in the last year.

Me putting on weight has had a lot to do with postnatal depression and anxiety since having children. When I feel anxious, a snack makes me feel better for a moment. Recognising this habit and trying to stop it while losing weight slowly over a year has worked for me and I intend to carry on to try and loose another 7lbs this year.

Anyway, back to the husband. He is 95% lovely, gentle and kind and happy and loves me and the family. However he can have really big dips in his mood. This can be for half a day or for up to 3 days. Sometimes he can go a month without a dip – other times it is a weekly thing. During these dips he projects his moods onto me, he tries to control everything around the house and gets angry when I do something he doesn’t like, he often becomes a bit obsessed with having more sex and taking more exercise. Two things he is supersensitive about are being given presents (he hates being given anything and is always incredibly rude to anyone who gives him a present) and fat/unhealthy people and will call me fat if I annoy him, wear something he doesn’t like or if he sees me eat something unhealthy. Also, when I know he has binge eaten something he will often have a go at me for being fat.

The worst combination is when he has a go at me for being fat and then has a go at me for not wanting sex enough. I mean who wants to have sex with their partner when they have just been fat shamed by them?!

Anyway, I know I need to lose a bit of weight, so he is technically right – I am a bit fat while he has remained physically fit and healthy. But surely this isn’t a nice way to treat someone?
I am wondering whether to just ignore his moods and carry on slowly losing weight. Or whether he is actually trying to make himself feel better when he is down by having a go at me and the weight thing is just an easy target? When I am slimmer will he bully me over something else? Maybe he has had to work hard to live with with my PN depression for 5 years and, while I am a lot better now, he has still to pick himself up after this difficult period?
I also feel he has a lot of unresolved issues from childhood – his father left when he was a teenager, his mother has mental health and finance problems, he had a scholarship to a private school where there was a lot of bullying and competitiveness… I think his issues with gifts and fatness relate to his mum giving him presents that he didn’t want and she couldn’t afford and her putting on a lot of weight after her divorce. Should I be trying to persuade him to look at these issues, or just ignore the moods or tell him to b**r off when he is rude, or just be patient and hope that he calms down a bit with time?

I’m so sorry OP, this sounds absolutely awful. There is no way he should be treating you like this. It’s emotional abuse.

I’m sure others will be along soon with more detailed advice, but I just wanted to say this isn’t your fault, he is a bully.

He sounds awful. And his awfulness is way more than 5% of the time.

If he binge eats is he overweight himself?

He isn't lovely and caring. He's rude, hurtful and abusive.

Imagine if a work colleague called you fat. Would you laugh it off because she was nice on other days?

TatianaBis - he isn't overweight. He does loads of running so can get away with eating unhealthy food. Pretty much anything unhealthy and tasty in the cupboard - he will scoff. If I want to keep something (for example if I make some biscuits for the children) I have to hide them!

I have to say I think weight/eating has very little to do with this. You are a perfectly normal, slightly below average size. Similarly his weight etc seems irrelevant.

I would focus on the fact that he is nasty, bullying and insensitive. Pressures you for sex after criticising your appearance? Wtf?

Firstly you are less than a stone heavier than you were pre-pregnancy so you are not fat. Size 12/14 isn't fat. He has just wrecked your self esteem. If you lost 2 stone he'd still call you names. He's trying to make you feel bad because it makes him feel better. I can't imagine his behaviour was helpful when you had PN depression.
The binge eating, the up and down moods don't sound like unresolved issues but more like he has a mental health issue- I think you need to tell him this and either get him to seek help or leave him. Sorry. It sounds awful.

Get out of there. Promise your life will be so much better without having his shit to put up with. No wonder you hav3 had depression.
Do not accept being spoken to like that, think what your kids will learn. Get angry and keep hold of it. How fucking dare he speak to you like that. Abusive knobheads, ruining lives since time began, luckily we live in a time where you can do something about it and build the life you want for yourself. Good luck op.

A 12/14 is not that big by anyone's standards. And even if you were saying that you're a 22/24 this would still be completely unacceptable.

He sounds like he may be autistic if you take all his behaviours into account. Therefore, as far as he's concerned, him telling you you're 'fat' is just him being honest (as he sees it). He also sounds like he suffers from depression with the mood swings.
As far as eating is concerned, if you want to lose weight, for yourself, the just don't have any temptation in the house! Kids won't suffer if they dont have biscuits or other unhealthy things.
You need to sit him down and tell him that when he makes disparaging comments about your size there's no way on this planet you'd want to have sex with him because of how he's making you feel.

How much does he weigh?

I only ask as I would be planning to lose that exact amount by breaking up with him.

Nasty man.

"You've got fat you know. Why don't you want to shag me more?"

I know many autistic people especially through work I've done and it concerns me how often on here when bullying and abusive behaviour is described, it's suggested the perpetrator is autistic.

When I am slimmer will he bully me over something else?
Yes! He will move the goalposts!
People like this always want to have control about something.
You losing weight will not change him or his personality.
He's not a nice person.
He is vile to you often.
YOU need to decide what YOU are prepared to put up with and what you want for your life.
What lessons do you want to teach your DC about relationships?
Is it this one??? NO IT IS NOT!
Stop accepting this. It is NOT OK!

His childhood/issues do not excuse what he's doing.

or just ignore the moods or tell him to b**r off when he is rude

You wouldn't be ignoring the moods as such (that would be impossible) but you would be wise to definitely say/do something when he makes these comments.

Say 'it's not ok to talk to me like that.' 'I'm not going to want sex with you when you make comments about my body.' 'Sex is not a right.'

I would put him in the spare room (or if you don't have one, on the sofa, or an air bed or camp bed if he makes these comments. If he won't go then you could yourself. You can get some really nice double air beds nowadays that are almost as comfy as a normal bed.

I imagine you saying it's when he binge eats is a typo and you mean if he sees you eating what he considers too much? That and the comments about your clothes are controlling.

At your weight you're only just overweight for your height medically really. The NHS BMI calculator says you only have to lose 8lbs to be in the healthy range. Although you might want to lose more to have a figure you prefer, he is quibbling to say you're overweight really/picking on something because he knows it's a sore spot. In about a year you'll probably be a healthy weight for your height if you stick to your plan. www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-weight/bmi-calculator/

Sorry but suggesting that because someone behaves like a twat they may be autistic is a bit naff.

He's just a bullying twat, negging his OH to make himself feel better

Add in selfish too if you have to hide nice foods that are meant for the kids.

He won't get any better no matter what you do OP because the problem is not with you at all

No there is nothing about that behaviour that suggests autism FFS.

OP he’s undermining your self-esteem and projecting his insecurities onto you but you already know that. That’s not on. What do you want to do about this? He definitely needs some counselling. I’m hoping that when he becomes obsessed with sex that you’re up for it too and don’t go along to with it to keep the peace.

If you dump him then you will have lost 11 stone plus in one move.Hes a dick.

I’m hoping that when he becomes obsessed with sex that you’re up for it too and don’t go along to with it to keep the peace.

@Tigerty OP's said his behaviour puts her off sex, but he nags her. At these times, she is at the very least not as up for it as she would normally be.

He is abusive and controlling to you.
He moves the goalposts - no one is perfect.
Yes he had a shit childhood then HE needs counselling- not you.
HE is the problem.
Start reading these threads more, download Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that” -
Please push the issues back to him. It cannot all be your responsibility.
You are not over weight.
Do not go to couples counselling with him. HE needs the therapy. If he refuses I’d re think the marriage.
He’s not a good role model for your children and how they treat women or people.
My ex had lots of issues, similar in some ways. He was working class, his mother ineffective but she did love him, his father an abusive alcoholic and then he went to Cambridge. It messed him up. He has mental health issues, related to childhood trauma.
Your husband has been deeply damaged and affected by his childhood issues.
Focus on YOU.

Love how you excuse him being a cunt as a 'dip in his mood'. So his mood doesn't dip when things are going the way he thinks they should?

He's verbally abusing you, tell him to start treating you decently or fuck off somewhere else for good .

He sounds like he may be autistic ffs.

He sounds vile. It also sounds like this is nothing to do with sex or your weight, these are just two things he's chosen to pick at you for. If you had sex twice a day and was a size 8, I strongly suspect he'd then pick two other things to pick at. Maybe you don't mow the lawn often enough, his peas are on the wrong side of the plate. To me he knows your sensitive about your weight, which feeds into your sex lives, so those are good things for him to use.

He needs to address his moods, maybe he needs to see his go or speak to someone

Call him a cunt. See what he thinks of that.

@Mary1935 thanks for the tip. I will look up Lundy Bancroft. I don't want to divorce - I am committed to working on the relationship. I just hope that he will do the same.

I am coming round to the idea of focusing on myself. As the children get older this becomes easier. Also him being furloughed while I am still working 3 days pw has forced the situation where he has had to take more responsibility for the children and I have had to leave him alone to do this.

I don't want to divorce - I am committed to working on the relationship. I just hope that he will do the same.

If he isn't willing to do the same, will you reconsider your thoughts on divorce?

He doesn't sound like he likes you very much and that's so terribly sad and unfair on you.

If you have to go to say couples counselling for him to not tell you you're fat, does it really mean anything?

Why isn't the woman he loves being upset and feeling shit about herself enough motivation for him to stop doing it?

If someone needed counselling to be a basic level of kind to their partner then I wouldn't want to be that partner.

He sounds awful and I hope to god none of your children ever pass his expectation of being slim and he moves his mean obsession into them.

Your not fat , he has just done a number on you to make you feel bad which in turns makes him feel powerful.

Dreadful man which you and your children would be better being away from.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the model you want to show them, currently at least you are teaching them that this treatment of you is still acceptable to you on some level. It is likely too that his behaviour towards you lies at the heart of you being depressed.

This relationship is over because of his emotional abuse of you (and in turn your kids who are picking up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken). His past has shaped him into the man he now is; you are following on from his mother in his eyes, a woman he still hates.
(I cannot imagine you have much if any of a relationship with his parents). Such men too hate women, all of them.

Please contact Womens Aid and start firming up plans to leave this relationship sooner rather than says years later.

Your 95% figure is arbitrary and just plain wrong. How did you calculate such anyway?.

It’s not you - it’s him.

Where ever in his cycle of unpleasantness he’s in - he drops his shit on you.
So, by your standards, sometimes he’s ‘good’ = less verbal put downs. And during other times in the cycle, he’s not = more verbal abuse. All designed to make you feel bad. Spiteful shit.

Have you ever pushed back and challenged him? Not that it matters because...

His shit is not your shit to fix.

Have a look at the Freedom Program. Your normal is not normal.

Ps: my DS has hfASD. He got it immediately when I explained why calling someone (me - I am north of plump!) was hurtful. Spectrum conditions don’t turn people into unfeeling robots.