Grumpy H calls me fat

[Ebonycat]

I am 5ft 5”. When we married I was 10 stone 4lbs (and a size 10) – 7 years, two children, some postnatal depression and two house moves later I am now 11 stone 2lbs (size 12/14). I have lost 5lbs in the last year.

Me putting on weight has had a lot to do with postnatal depression and anxiety since having children. When I feel anxious, a snack makes me feel better for a moment. Recognising this habit and trying to stop it while losing weight slowly over a year has worked for me and I intend to carry on to try and loose another 7lbs this year.

Anyway, back to the husband. He is 95% lovely, gentle and kind and happy and loves me and the family. However he can have really big dips in his mood. This can be for half a day or for up to 3 days. Sometimes he can go a month without a dip – other times it is a weekly thing. During these dips he projects his moods onto me, he tries to control everything around the house and gets angry when I do something he doesn’t like, he often becomes a bit obsessed with having more sex and taking more exercise. Two things he is supersensitive about are being given presents (he hates being given anything and is always incredibly rude to anyone who gives him a present) and fat/unhealthy people and will call me fat if I annoy him, wear something he doesn’t like or if he sees me eat something unhealthy. Also, when I know he has binge eaten something he will often have a go at me for being fat.

The worst combination is when he has a go at me for being fat and then has a go at me for not wanting sex enough. I mean who wants to have sex with their partner when they have just been fat shamed by them?!

Anyway, I know I need to lose a bit of weight, so he is technically right – I am a bit fat while he has remained physically fit and healthy. But surely this isn’t a nice way to treat someone?
I am wondering whether to just ignore his moods and carry on slowly losing weight. Or whether he is actually trying to make himself feel better when he is down by having a go at me and the weight thing is just an easy target? When I am slimmer will he bully me over something else? Maybe he has had to work hard to live with with my PN depression for 5 years and, while I am a lot better now, he has still to pick himself up after this difficult period?
I also feel he has a lot of unresolved issues from childhood – his father left when he was a teenager, his mother has mental health and finance problems, he had a scholarship to a private school where there was a lot of bullying and competitiveness… I think his issues with gifts and fatness relate to his mum giving him presents that he didn’t want and she couldn’t afford and her putting on a lot of weight after her divorce. Should I be trying to persuade him to look at these issues, or just ignore the moods or tell him to b**r off when he is rude, or just be patient and hope that he calms down a bit with time?

First of all, well done in recognising your own needs and tackling them. Secondly, you are not responsible for his mood. You could change EVERYTHING about yourself and he will STILL pick at you. He need needs to do the hard work you are doing. His projection is form of his own insecurities/inability to care for wife who he sees is doing something with herself.

Ignoring will only give him the permission to continue to behave like this, you will develop the coping skills of 'walking on eggshells' (if you're not all ready doing so. I think if actually reflected you would notice your 95% dropping because it is very sad he had a bad childhood, you cant help him unless he helps himself, you will become his crutch the more you accept his behaviour

It's really up to you to decide what you want out of this relationship and what work is he going to do to change his behaviour.

Apologises for my really bad grammar 🤦‍♀️

You do sound a little heavy for your height OP, but if you have only put on a few lbs after 2 DC, then you are ok. As I have never met you I have no idea if you are fat or not.

I would tell him firmly that he is well out of order in commenting about your weight. You got the message the first time.

I have been in a relationship where I was fat-shamed. It was done as friendly teasing but it is quite sinister when it is someone doing it because they have a problem themselves.

With his eating habits of bingeing on stuff in the cupboard - sounds like he has his own self hatred and eating issues that he’s projecting onto you. He mitigates his bingeing with enough exercise to keep his weight under control. Not healthy.