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Original poster

Grumpy H calls me fat

54 replies

Ebonycat · 19/05/2020 09:49

I am 5ft 5”. When we married I was 10 stone 4lbs (and a size 10) – 7 years, two children, some postnatal depression and two house moves later I am now 11 stone 2lbs (size 12/14). I have lost 5lbs in the last year.

Me putting on weight has had a lot to do with postnatal depression and anxiety since having children. When I feel anxious, a snack makes me feel better for a moment. Recognising this habit and trying to stop it while losing weight slowly over a year has worked for me and I intend to carry on to try and loose another 7lbs this year.

Anyway, back to the husband. He is 95% lovely, gentle and kind and happy and loves me and the family. However he can have really big dips in his mood. This can be for half a day or for up to 3 days. Sometimes he can go a month without a dip – other times it is a weekly thing. During these dips he projects his moods onto me, he tries to control everything around the house and gets angry when I do something he doesn’t like, he often becomes a bit obsessed with having more sex and taking more exercise. Two things he is supersensitive about are being given presents (he hates being given anything and is always incredibly rude to anyone who gives him a present) and fat/unhealthy people and will call me fat if I annoy him, wear something he doesn’t like or if he sees me eat something unhealthy. Also, when I know he has binge eaten something he will often have a go at me for being fat.

The worst combination is when he has a go at me for being fat and then has a go at me for not wanting sex enough. I mean who wants to have sex with their partner when they have just been fat shamed by them?!

Anyway, I know I need to lose a bit of weight, so he is technically right – I am a bit fat while he has remained physically fit and healthy. But surely this isn’t a nice way to treat someone?
I am wondering whether to just ignore his moods and carry on slowly losing weight. Or whether he is actually trying to make himself feel better when he is down by having a go at me and the weight thing is just an easy target? When I am slimmer will he bully me over something else? Maybe he has had to work hard to live with with my PN depression for 5 years and, while I am a lot better now, he has still to pick himself up after this difficult period?
I also feel he has a lot of unresolved issues from childhood – his father left when he was a teenager, his mother has mental health and finance problems, he had a scholarship to a private school where there was a lot of bullying and competitiveness… I think his issues with gifts and fatness relate to his mum giving him presents that he didn’t want and she couldn’t afford and her putting on a lot of weight after her divorce. Should I be trying to persuade him to look at these issues, or just ignore the moods or tell him to b**r off when he is rude, or just be patient and hope that he calms down a bit with time?

OP posts:
Juno231 · 19/05/2020 11:05

You two need couple's counselling or at a minimum he needs individual therapy. What he is doing is emotional abuse and you need to set boundaries/not accept his behaviour and he needs to learn not to project on to you.

OP this is not acceptable behaviour and needs to be stopped ASAP. It has nothing to do with you being a couple of lbs overweight, he is NOT right and as soon as you'll lose that weight he'll just find something else to moan about. Maybe you'll never be thin enough or toned enough or he'll start saying you've aged or whatever. Point is, it's not you and it's not okay.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/05/2020 11:07

I don't want to divorce - I am committed to working on the relationship. I just hope that he will do the same.

He is simply not committed here to working on the relationship; what he wants to do here is to maintain power and control over you and in turn his children.

Couples counselling as well is a non starter anyway due to his abuse of you. It is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Do not ever kid yourself they do not know what is going on here; they will have some idea that things are not good at home. Their home is certainly not the sanctuary it should be for them and you cannot protect them fully from them seeing you being abused and otherwise denigrated by your H.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/05/2020 11:11

Juno

Couples counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

He is unlikely to attend any sessions (also because he feels entitled to act as he does) and even if he did, he would be more likely than not to try and get the counsellor to take his side and otherwise manipulate that person (like he has manipulated Ebonycat). He will continue to be as obstructive and abusive if Ebonycat did go onto decide to divorce him as well and act the same post separation.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/05/2020 11:13

Ebonycat

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

What sort of an example did your parents show you, did they treat each other similarly as to how you are now treated?.

Embracelife · 19/05/2020 11:16

Bullies are often nice sometimes.
Yes he will find something else to bully you for.
Exp also had weird present issues. Giving/receiving.

He needs to recognize he has an issue if he is to address it. Does he acknowledge his childhood has caused issues? Has he signed up for therapy?

Why would divorce be so bad?
You dont have to live like this.

LockdownLoopy · 19/05/2020 11:17

Unfortunately OP, he is abusive. He will continue putting you down whether you lose weight or not. You're not fat. In the end he's going to end up completely beating you down and destroying your soul. This is not normal, and I understand you say you're committed to working on the relationship, however just be warned, this will not end happily and you'll end up beaten down and sad in years to come, wishing you'd have left earlier.

Cloudyapples · 19/05/2020 11:24

Ok what do you say when he calls you fat? Could you start being more assertive and make him more aware of why he is doing and how unacceptable it is? Especially as if your children see this behaviour you don’t want them to think it’s acceptable to call people names and be mean to them.

tenlittlecygnets · 19/05/2020 11:29

If I want to keep something (for example if I make some biscuits for the children) I have to hide them!

This is not normal. He's a negging bully.

I am committed to working on the relationship. I just hope that he will do the same.

Why? genuinely? His behaviour is damaging you and your dc. He's probably contributed to/caused your depression. He sounds like a shit. His childhood issues are not yours to solve; they're his problem.

But surely this isn’t a nice way to treat someone?

Well, of course it's not. Do you ned someone to tell you this?? You and your dc deserve better.

ElectricTonight · 19/05/2020 11:35

Is he bipolar ? Mood swings , then these mood swings being a cunt but wants loads more sex and exercises more. Sounds like he's got a mental health issue however this doesn't mean it's ok for him to treat you this way because it's abuse.

MaeDanvers · 19/05/2020 11:38

It doesn't matter where his issues came from - although if you actually think he is taking out his mummy issues on you then that does make things worse. The point is he is treating you like crap and sees fit to use you as an emotional punchbag.

You are quite right in thinking you could lose weight and he might pick on you for something else.

Original poster
Ebonycat · 19/05/2020 13:20

I have suggested counselling at time - when he keeps bringing some issue up over and over again and there doesn't seem a way to move on. Strangely just the mention of counselling seems to give me the message that he has gone too far and he usually then drops whatever issue he was going on about straight away.

He did do a mindfulness course at his last workplace - which I think was because he realised his mindset and inner anger weren't healthy ways to live.

I also think that because he can't see his mum at the moment and have a good row with her - he is now picking on me more. Not that it is good for his mum to pick up his issues, but she can give as good as she gets!

I guess that lots of couples are going to need some help after being stuck in the house together with all their issues for months at a time.

OP posts:
Skyla2005 · 19/05/2020 16:07

I wouldn’t be with someone who called me names. Why do you have such little self worth as to stay with this idiot. Leave the bastard he sounds vile

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/05/2020 16:12

Do not enter into counselling with your husband and besides which it is not recommended if there is abuse within the relationship.

Lostvoiced · 19/05/2020 16:14

Tell him to fuck off.

He shouldn't bully and belittle you no matter what size you are. And your weight is hardly astronomical!

Dont let him lean on his childhood issues, lots of us had bad childhoods, it's not a licence to be a dickhead.

Musti · 19/05/2020 16:26

You're not overweight. If my partner criticised my body I wouldn't feel comfortable enough to get undressed and have sex.

Redyellowpink · 19/05/2020 16:59

Please please leave this terrible awful man. I am appalled at this thread and really saddened by how much you minimise his behaviour. This would crush me!

Davespecifico · 19/05/2020 17:02

I think the issue that stands out from this post, is that you have to be his punchbag when he’s feeling low. That’s not very kind or nice.

Davespecifico · 19/05/2020 17:09

I don’t believe in “working at a relationship” unless you’re talking about people who’ve drifted a little.
By stating you want to work on the relationship, you’re implicitly saying that you want to work on accepting his bad behaviour so that you can blame yourself a bit more and let him off his behaviour.
You can’t work on something that isn’t caused by you. You don’t know when his mood will swing, or when he’ll go off on one.
Your time might be better spent working on opening your eyes to the dysfunction here. I agree re: the Lundy Bancroft book. It will open you eyes.
You deserve better.

LannieDuck · 19/05/2020 18:01

It sounds like you both work, but you normally do most of the childcare. Does he also get more hobby time than you? He runs - do you get a chance to get out and do something?

I know it's not the point of your post, but it sounds like the type of relationship where perhaps the dynamic is unequal - he sees himself as the 'head of the household' and he's putting you in your place?

Bluebird3456 · 19/05/2020 18:32

Oh my lord. Throw him out, then eat an entire cheesecake and laugh. Enjoy your normal, presumably healthy, life giving body knowing that while he may have the physical fitness, he's a twat.

NoMoreDickheads · 19/05/2020 18:46

Is he bipolar ? Mood swings , then these mood swings being a cunt but wants loads more sex

Electric- I know that some people have rapid cycling bipolar, but most people with bipolar have episodes that last weeks/months. They actually have to have this length of episode at first to be diagnosed with bipolar. (I have bipolar.) People can go on to develop rapid cycling later sometimes.

If some one initially presents with mood that quickly changes over hours/days, they'd be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, if anything.

Either way, he's a twat.

@Ebonycat does anything tend to trigger it, or does it just happen out of the blue? (I'm not saying it's anything you're doing, I just mean is it triggered by stressful events etc.) I suppose it doesn't matter if that's the case really. Either way, he shouldn't be talking to you that way.

I suppose if he saw his GP they might suggest some sort of treatment and refer him- if something's effecting someone's relationship/family life, GPs tend to take it seriously. That would require him to acknowledge that how he's acting isn't ok and to seek help for it, though.

I have suggested counselling at time - when he keeps bringing some issue up over and over again and there doesn't seem a way to move on

Ebony- what issues does he tend to go on about? Not that it's really relevant to how it effects you as such.

Issues with anger are also characteristic of Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't wanna be diagnosing him though. They can also be a bit funny sexually,.

I suppose ideally to get over this, he would have to apologize and seek help.

If you say it's not ok that he calls you fat, criticizes your clothes etc, does he apologize? Or do you tend to just sit there and take it? Sad

I don't think you should take it. Even if you think he's telling the truth, you're not actually above average sie, you're barely overweight, and someone's OH shouldn't talk to them like that.

sallievp · 19/05/2020 18:47

Don't you deserve better for yourself and your children? He isn't nice at all, he is cruel, unkind and a spiteful bully.
What if he starts saying similar things to your children when they are older?
I would be thinking very carefully.
Life is short.

sallievp · 19/05/2020 18:48

And your thread title should be 'cruel spiteful unkind bully DH calls me fat'
He's not grumpy, just horrible.
You sound lovely and deserve better.

TheSheepofWallSt · 19/05/2020 18:53

OP, gently I say this - if I’m 15 years your child came home and told you that this was how they were being treated by their partner- what would you say to them?
Imagine your child, grown up, saying “and they tell me I’m fat because I’ve put on 9lbs”
What would you say?

Cambionome · 19/05/2020 18:57

Op - loads of people have unresolved issues from their childhoods but this doesn't make them deliberately unkind to the people they profess to love!

My exh was like this and I spent the best part of 30 years making excuses for him because of it; I finally had a lightbulb moment when I realised that I also had issues but somehow still managed not to deliberately make his life miserable.