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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating is driving me insane! Why is it so hard?!

59 replies

katiie3 · 18/05/2020 14:32

Hi everyone.

I have recently started online dating again, and I’m already pulling my hair out?!

I spoke to a man online, bumble for a few days, and eventually exchanged numbers to talking on Whatsapp.

We spoke for 2/3 on WhatsApp and it was nice. But he constantly expects me to reach out first and text him. He even said, I don’t chase anyone.

It has put me off. It should be an equal effort of desiring to speaking to each other.

And his answers are becoming so dry, and boring. He sends one words answers and expects me to carry the conversation. If I stop, he doesn’t contact me, and says he doesn’t play games. Yet on bumble he was so funny, keen and constantly messaging back and forth.

He said he expects me to contact him and if I like him then I would want to talk to him.

I text him everyday but it’s too hard for me to carry the conversation! We haven’t met, it is lockdown so we can only text or call. He suggested a video call, which I said okay to, but I look awful on camera.

I feel like ending things or should I just put more effort into chasing him?

OP posts:

CoachBombay · 18/05/2020 14:38

Darling, you need not chase men. It's far easier for you as a woman to get a date than a man.

Leave him be, ignore him, ghost him. Don't allow him to dictate how this works.

He doesn't chase fine, neither to you, but the online dating game is a woman's game, you hold the power, have far more increased chances of matching and talking to men.

I've no time for men who want to play games and posture like some peacock about "how they don't chase"

My game my rules, engage or be gone. I won't struggle.

IAlreadyHadOne · 18/05/2020 14:38

I have found that a lot of people become far more boring when they give you their number! Its a pattern I have noticed a lot, no idea why.

Personally with this one I would leave it. One word answers and no effort is just boring. Find someone who is wanting to engage!

Original poster

katiie3 · 18/05/2020 14:43

Yes, it’s such a mind game. He always replies but he told me that he expects me to text him and call him first and show that I do like him and that I am interested.

Well, clearly I am otherwise I wouldn’t be speaking to you but I don’t want to chase him around like a long lost puppy.

My time is just as valuable as his.

OP posts:

IAlreadyHadOne · 18/05/2020 14:47

What if you said the same, that you expect him to always message you and call you first? Then you'd never speak again, its a two way street. I think he's trying to do it so that you're "grateful" for his time and attention.

Exactly, find someone more worthy of your valuable time!

CoachBombay · 18/05/2020 14:48

OP no, step away from this, you have nothing to prove to him or any man to be honest. He just wants some inflated ego about how this woman is chasing him and he doesn't have to engage much and you still keep trying. Burst his ego, and tell him to sling one.

Pompous twat he is, I don't even know this man and I dislike him 😂

BertiesLanding · 18/05/2020 14:49

A game is only a game if the two people play it. And you don't have to.

Original poster

katiie3 · 18/05/2020 14:52

True, it is just so weird. If I text him, he engages, he will always reply, but it’s very bleugh. There’s not as much spark. He seems to always be off with me but I’m the same breathe he wants me to show him attention.

OP posts:

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 18/05/2020 14:55

He expects you to text or call first? What a twat. Tell him to fuck off or just block him. As soon as you get a whiff of something feeling not up to your liking or standards fuck them off us my advice

Original poster

katiie3 · 18/05/2020 14:58

@yesterdaystotalsteps123 yup, he said he expects me to text him first. And if I don’t initiate contact with him then he will assume that I am not interested in him.

OP posts:

Caramara · 18/05/2020 14:59

OP this doesn't fill me with confidence, I've only just started on the OD road again, I'm struggling to find anyone to 'like' on Tinder or Hinge, but this sounds as though the next stage is going to be as bad!

Windmillwhirl · 18/05/2020 15:01

Well, let the penny drop for him that you aren't interested. He sounds so cringe.

Original poster

katiie3 · 18/05/2020 15:05

I need to tell you guys something! So we were chatting on bumble for 2 days and then exchange numbers. About 4/5 days later, we had our first phone call. The same evening, he said he knows that I’m talking to other people and that I have other options and I must not think he is stupid.

He said he knows that I’m active on bumble and that he knows this.

OP posts:

Lampan · 18/05/2020 15:18

Bumble is for men who can’t be arsed. It appeals to them cos they don’t have to make the first move. Obviously you have been unlucky and matched with one who wants to carry this on into normal life too. If he can’t be bothered at this stage don’t waste any more time on him.

Lampan · 18/05/2020 15:19

And there is no way he can know if you are active on Bumble unless you are updating your profile/pictures. He’s showing his horrible insecurities now, which is a red flag. He wants you to reassure him. Don’t bother! Just get rid.

Original poster

katiie3 · 18/05/2020 15:23

@Lampan, yes. It felt like he was attacking me for using bumble whilst speaking to him when we had only been speaking for a week and exchanging pleasantries and not even met! Or anything.

OP posts:

CoachBombay · 18/05/2020 15:36

Massive red flags for a obsessive controlling fuckwit.

I'm speaking to multiple men on tinder and WhatsApp, not one has asked if I'm speaking to others, one who is more a FWB than a serious prospect, I know he's talking to other women on tinder because we were talking about it when having a glass of wine the other night, it makes no difference.

Till the "exclusive" were dating chat is had, your business is your business.

MattBerrysHair · 18/05/2020 15:40

OP, why are you bothering? He's a dick!

IAlreadyHadOne · 18/05/2020 15:42

Of course you would still be on Bumble, why wouldn't you be?!

The more you say about him the more glaringly obvious it is that you need to get rid.

Get swiping and find someone more worthy of your time.

artyandtarty · 18/05/2020 15:44

How rude! It's non of his business even if you was still active on there.

I would just ghost this one & don't engage or reply, well just don't message him again as you explained he won't message you first anyway so that should be the end of that.

Even the fact that he's being so outright with his statements of ' if you are interested you will message me first etc' is a bit strange .... it should all just flow naturally.

Bin him 👋🏻

ConkerGame · 18/05/2020 15:44

This is an obvious red flag, OP!

Ditch and move on!

When people come on here saying they couldn’t spot the red flags at the beginning of a relationship - here is an example of one waving right in the OP’s face and yet she’s questioning herself for some reason!

OP, you can do so much better than this - if it’s not making you feel good then it’s not right.

Lolalovesroses · 18/05/2020 15:49

If he is only answering with one word answers,you are not getting anything out of it.No excitement,no entertainment,no intrigue, nothing! Why do you keep trying? You've probably built him up a bit in your mind and you think he's more of a prize than he actually is.Cut him loose, get back on the apps and find somebody who you can have an equal, stimulating conversation with.

TigerDater · 18/05/2020 15:52

I can’t see why you’re interested in him, he sounds boring and arrogant. He’s told you he won’t contact you unless you contact him so just don’t contact him. Delete the chat and his number, unmatch on Bumble, job done. You’re not ghosting because he can contact you if he wishes. Move on.

Nearlyalmost50 · 18/05/2020 15:52

Why, the first time when you got one of his unpleasant messages making out he's God's Gift tom women, didn't you ignore and block him? Why are you still speaking to him? You aren't in a relationship and he's horrid. Be nice to yourself, block him and try again. He is a game player and you apparently are happy to play.

rvby · 18/05/2020 15:56

It doesnt have to be this difficult. OD isnt about "finding someone", it's just about getting an introduction to a few people who seem interesting, then meeting them and seeing if they are worth spending time with.

There is no need for days of texting etc... set up a Zoom/Houseparty date for the next convenient time (doing a quiz or playing a game together can be good to start), see if you get on, if you do get on then keep Zooming etc. Until it isnt enjoyable anymore. Then go back to the app and find the next introduction...

This guy sounds like no fun. So stop texting him!

MaeDanvers · 18/05/2020 16:06

Well, this is just one guy, who clearly has issues if he expects you to chase him and gets weird about you talking to other people after no time at all.

Unfortunately OLD does bring out some right weirdos, but there's plenty of lovely people on there as well. It's a numbers game really.

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