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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He admitted he was testing me.

73 replies

Dontsayyouloveme · 16/05/2020 21:54

Before lockdown, I had been texting a guy for a week through OLD. Couple of his texts overstepped the mark but naively I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Anyway we met for coffee and a walk, he never asked me a single question. At the end of the walk he said he’d like to see me again and to let him know if I felt the same over the weekend. The lack of questions together with the constant sarcasm and more overstepping the mark ‘jokes’ made at my expense meant I had no inclination to see him again.

Anyway he called me that evening for a chat and to see if I was up for a second date. I said no and he asked why so I told him. He agreed his Constant sarcasm does wear people down even his friends, but the things I found offensive were just ‘jokes’. That old manipulation trick 🙄😤.

Anyway to get to the point of my post, I told him he never asked me one question to which he replied it know’. I said so why didn’t you..,, his response was ‘Iwas testing you’ 😮!!

My exh was a vile narcissist who tested everyone he met to see if they could ‘hold their own’ and be worthy of his attention! so when this bloke said he’d been testing me, I got annoyed and told him he was a very unpleasant person to think it was acceptable to test someone on a date! Then he deflected it back to me saying I had ‘Mental issues’ and That he knows he’s a good person and I was clearly mad!

So my question is, why would a man test someone on a date? Is it to see how vulnerable that person is so they can then manipulate and control them in a relationship? Is it to see how much shit that person will take and so they know what they can get away with?

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 16/05/2020 21:59

All of the above.

Luckily you saw through it.

The next thing you should do is write an article about it and make sure women everywhere see it.

LayItDown · 16/05/2020 21:59

Because they are narcissistic, cruel or ignorant. To be honest, it could be any reason, but there’s no positive reason that springs to mind.

Run for the hills!

pog100 · 16/05/2020 22:00

He just isn't worth any head space at all, just a wanker. Forget him, move on.

Bluntness100 · 16/05/2020 22:00

Primarily it’s because they are a wanker op.

BumbleBeee69 · 16/05/2020 22:02

because he's just a Prick.. don't engage with twats.... block him... I'm cringing for him.. saddo .... well done OP for knowing the signs Flowers

Dontsayyouloveme · 16/05/2020 22:03

Oh I’ve run for the hills alright! I’m just annoyed I didn’t go with my gut when we were messaging. I actually replied to him at one point saying, ‘you know, a lot of women would have blocked you by now saying things like that’. I should have done the same then! Good news is whilst he was telling me everything that was wrong with me.. I ended the call mid speech and blocked him immediately!! 👌🏽😂

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 16/05/2020 22:05

Because he's an idiot.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 16/05/2020 22:05

Because he's a dick. That's all.

Bubblebee7 · 16/05/2020 22:06

You did the right thing. It’s rather worrying that he thought he would secure another date after that.

NoMoreDickheads · 16/05/2020 22:07

Because they are a wanker and maybe an abuser.

Next time block at the first sign of bollox.

CodenameVillanelle · 16/05/2020 22:08

Because he's a complete wanker
You don't need to think any further than that.

LadyDoc1 · 16/05/2020 22:09

Men like this think the world (and women)were made for them.

Dontsayyouloveme · 16/05/2020 22:12

BumbleBeee69 thanks ☺️, pre schema therapy which I started three years ago, I would never have spotted this and would have thought it was my fault!! But not now!

I have to admit, without sounding like a drama queen, the entire date left me feeling like I had been Psychologically abused. An example of the ‘jokes’ at my expense, on the walk, he said to me ‘oh that guys lost his dog... it’s ok mate... it’s here with me’ and pointed at me!!

At the end of the date he was looking up the weather on his phone, I said oh can you look up Friday for me, he said ‘god no wonder you’re divorced’. I ignored it, and he actually relayed it again!!

Sick of being the nice girl. I should have left the date after the dog ‘joke’.

Always follow your gut, I shouldn’t have even hit as far as a date..,

Live and learn!

OP posts:
ThirtyAndASmidgen · 16/05/2020 22:12

I realise I may be trigger-happy on deleting/blocking men, but a leopard doesn’t change its spots. I’m sure I’ve saved myself a lot of grief as a result. You are well rid of this pathetic excuse for a man.

CodenameVillanelle · 16/05/2020 22:13

You should have blocked him after any message that led you to tell him that most women would have blocked him! Why didn't you?

ThirtyAndASmidgen · 16/05/2020 22:14

I would have left after the dog joke as well. I actually did so once, after a similar incident, and asked the serving staff for help. How bloody dare he?!

Dontsayyouloveme · 16/05/2020 22:14

Bubblebee7, it really is isn’t it. ☹️

OP posts:
Dontsayyouloveme · 16/05/2020 22:17

CodenameVillanelle you know what, in all honesty, I don’t know why I didn’t block him at that time, my senses must have left me for some reason because I’ve blocked and stopped conversations for much less in the past! As I said, Ignored my gut instinct but I won’t ever again.

OP posts:
Elieza · 16/05/2020 22:17

Dodged a bullet their OP. He’s an ass

toastedcrumpetsforme · 16/05/2020 22:19

Because he's an arrogant toss-pot. Lucky escape. Don't speak to him again.

Dontsayyouloveme · 16/05/2020 22:21

ThirtyAndASmidgen respect! Obviously sorry you’ve been a situation like that but well done for getting yourself out of it!

I need to grow bigger balls!

OP posts:
ChaiLatteWithStevia · 16/05/2020 22:23

That makes no sense. A ''test'' a man might do on a woman might be to imply he didn't have much money (if he did). I don't know.

What does faking NO interest in a date's life show him? That the woman tolerated a man having no interest in her or her life? Did she pass or fail that test? Has it shown her in a good light or a poor light?

Utter bollix.

Please do not give him a second chance.

Dontsayyouloveme · 16/05/2020 22:23

toastedcrumpetsforme oh don’t worry, I have absolutely no intention of ever talking to him again! I mean I’d love to give him a proper mouthful but he’s not worth it. Vile vile person!

OP posts:
Samtsirch · 16/05/2020 22:24

He sounds as daft as a brush OP.
You are well out of it 👍🏼

emptyplinth · 16/05/2020 22:26

You did well to see through his behaviour and explain why it concerned you.
Good for you.
Hope you find someone great soon.

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