He admitted he was testing me.

[Dontsayyouloveme]

Before lockdown, I had been texting a guy for a week through OLD. Couple of his texts overstepped the mark but naively I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Anyway we met for coffee and a walk, he never asked me a single question. At the end of the walk he said he’d like to see me again and to let him know if I felt the same over the weekend. The lack of questions together with the constant sarcasm and more overstepping the mark ‘jokes’ made at my expense meant I had no inclination to see him again.

Anyway he called me that evening for a chat and to see if I was up for a second date. I said no and he asked why so I told him. He agreed his Constant sarcasm does wear people down even his friends, but the things I found offensive were just ‘jokes’. That old manipulation trick 🙄😤.

Anyway to get to the point of my post, I told him he never asked me one question to which he replied it know’. I said so why didn’t you..,, his response was ‘Iwas testing you’ 😮!!

My exh was a vile narcissist who tested everyone he met to see if they could ‘hold their own’ and be worthy of his attention! so when this bloke said he’d been testing me, I got annoyed and told him he was a very unpleasant person to think it was acceptable to test someone on a date! Then he deflected it back to me saying I had ‘Mental issues’ and That he knows he’s a good person and I was clearly mad!

So my question is, why would a man test someone on a date? Is it to see how vulnerable that person is so they can then manipulate and control them in a relationship? Is it to see how much shit that person will take and so they know what they can get away with?

oh that guys lost his dog... it’s ok mate... it’s here with me’ and pointed at me!!

OMG! At least you have even more awareness of the signs at which to block in future.

ChaiLatteWithStevia don’t worry, I wouldn’t wee on him if he was on fire!!

I’m assuming I passed whatever the test was as he said he’d had a nice time and would like to see me again!! I mean talk about ego!!! Really? What freakin planet are you on? Oh yeah, the one where You’re a vile egotistical tw#t!

Tbh he had money, he had sent pictures of him in his garden which was huge, and his new bedroom which was also huuuge but I made no comment to either!

emptyplinth thank you ☺️☺️

In what way was he "testing" you? What was the test?

sonjadog the test was, not asking me any questions whilst on the date!

What does faking NO interest in a date's life show him?

Looking for someone who would put up with that?

ps I'd also say well spotted, you have dodged a bullet.

Negging being pushed as acceptable is fucking horrendous.

I don’t think there was a test at all. He’s just so unused to considerate normal human interactions to have asked you any questions about yourself. Rather than admitting fault and apologising, he thought it best to try saying it was a test.

A lot of people think apologising makes them look weak, he was keen to look ‘strong’ so invented a scenario where he had a ‘plan all along’ to seem more in control.

In fact, it seems everything he said to you was designed to put himself on some ‘higher footing’ to you. Can you imagine going through life with self-esteem so fragile that you felt you had to do that? On a date, no less?

I sometimes wonder if it’s the low-self esteem folk, or the egotists who are the most boring folk on the planet. Both of them are incapable of anything that isn’t ‘me me me’ in their thoughts, actions and words.

So the test was to see if you would think it was okay that he didn’t ask any questions? What a loser.

It worries me that you went on this date, and stayed till the end. And there was no ‘test’, that was just a misogynistic idiot retrospectively trying to justify his rudeness.

Nitpickpicnic that’s an interesting interpretation of pretending it was a test! Kinda backfired, I’ve my vile narcissistic exh to thank for bringing ‘testing’ people to my attention! Lol.

And the fragile self esteem - narcissist again, they gave probably THE most fragile self esteem of people going.

He had been in a 16 year relationship and no dates or anything since, so in last 12 months. I think I put down his inappropriate comments, whilst messaging, down to his lack of experience as I said ‘you can tell you’ve not been on a date for at least 17 years. But I actually think he’s an egotistical idiot!

Vellum, I’m just about to dig into my book ‘the nice girl syndrome’!

Vellum my worry is that someone will come along who is vulnerable and think that his actions on the date are acceptable, whereas I had a lapse of judgement on this occasion.

An example of the ‘jokes’ at my expense, on the walk, he said to me ‘oh that guys lost his dog... it’s ok mate... it’s here with me’ and pointed at me!!

Oh my fkg ....

I'd have tested if my foot fitted up his arse.

He's probably living with his mum - don't take any notice of his photos.

Just when you think you have an exaggerated idea of how many psychos, weirdos, and assholes there are out there, you read something like this.

You poor thing op.

When wee were living in England, I joined my partner on a day/night out in a bar with his colleague, girlfriend and her friends/colleagues etc. One of her colleagues bf's had apparently been acting like an asshole so she'd left and he'd stayed on. I did t know anything about this at the time, I thought he was just slightly strange and trying to be funny and a bit if a twat. He started taking the piss slightly out of my accent (were Northern Irish) and I wasn't all that bothered but she rounded in him. She's already been irritated by some other nonesense from him when he was sort of telling her off/getting self righteous about something.
She went through him for a shortcut, really challenged him on his behaviour and I have since thought that is exactly how we should all be with people like him instead of being polite and nice.

He had been in a 16 year relationship

How sorry do you feel for his ex. She must need psychotherapy.

I think nitpick is totally on point on both fronts too - his behaviour on the date and his subsequent explanation.

He's dysfunctional.

He needs to come with a warning! What a vile and odious little ‘man’. The dog comment

@Dontsayyouloveme
But how on earth would you be able to have any control over that?
You don’t need to worry about who he will meet in the future.
You have recognised the need to protect yourself from him.
That’s as much as you can do.

Samtsirch oh I don’t, not at all, it was a flippant response to a poster who wrote:

It worries me that you went on this date, and stayed till the end when I’d made a lapse in judgement on this occasion.

on the walk, he said to me ‘oh that guys lost his dog... it’s ok mate... it’s here with me’ and pointed at me!!
😨
What sort of things did he say in the messages he sent that raised your suspicions if you don’t mind me asking, @Dontsayyouloveme?

This reminds me of a guy I felt I got on well with online, I was recovering post op so unable to meet in a bar or whatever so I invited him over for a coffee and chat. He seemed decent, no creepy pic requests, good chat etc.
One of the first things he said on arrival was that he had 'a woman' but was 'on a break to decide' what he wanted!
I was so shocked I didn't throw him out immediately, he then went on to wax lyrical about his hopes to work in health tech (he was doing a masters in it, an area I know a lot about from different perspectives) Belittled any suggestions I had for contacts, reading, the works.
I told him I was horrified at his behaviour and limp denial that 'his woman' knew he was on Hinge and he plonked himself on the sofa next to me as if to go in for a kiss!
No self reflection at all, yuck

GilbertMarkham

I LOVE THIS:

She went through him for a shortcut, really challenged him on his behaviour and I have since thought that is exactly how we should all be with people like him instead of being polite and nice.

I will remember this in future!