Torturing myself

[confusedoften]

Last year I met a guy. He is amazing. I'm deeply in love with him.
He likes me, a lot. He's clear on that. But it's not love. And he doesn't want to commit, mostly cos I have kids and that scares him.
We text every day. See each other often and that usually results in sex. (Not lately obvs, not in lockdown)
But I'm torturing myself holding on when he's clearly never gonna make that commitment.
But I can't let go.
I have tried and I can't.
I think of him constantly, and he's pretty my best friend.
I can't imagine my life without him in it. I don't want to.

Some days it's fine. I'm fine. I accept it'll never go anywhere but then some days (like today) I'm hurting so much. From loving someone who won't love me.
I can't tell him cos then I'll lose him. But I know I can't carry on this way.

I just need a handhold. This sucks

If he wasn’t getting the sex (once the cv-19 restrictions are over) do you think he’d be in contact so much?

He’s got a pretty good deal with you, from his perspective, which is fine if it’s mutual but not so great for you given your feelings for him. IMHO he’s never going to commit to you whilst he gets to sleep with you. And you’ll never be happy with things as they are.

So don’t go back to sleeping with him when this is over. Commit your energy to finding someone who loves you back and for whom your children aren’t “scary.”

I would also suggest focusing on what you want in life & in a relationship, rather than prioritizing contact with him.

I agree that if it weren't for the sex, he'd make himself scarce & once you focus on what you want, you'll see that he doesn't really fit the bill anyway.

It's tough when you're infatuated with someone & you want so much, but if you manage to cut contact for a month or so, perhaps you'll even start to wonder what you saw in him to start with. Good luck.

Last year I met a guy. He is amazing

Amazing? He is dangling you on a string so he can pull you in when he fancies a shag

Just to say, it's not always sex. We actually do stuff. Attend things, gigs, galleries etc.
We often see each other during the day where there is no chance at sex.
He holds my hand, he wraps his arm around me. He always pays for stuff.
He checks in to see how I'm coping during lockdown.
The texts aren't sexual. We have genuine conversations.
He is literally my best friend with a side of sex.
But I'm in love and I'm pretty certain he knows that.

So does continuing make him a bit of a dick?
My friend said that if he knows and is continuing anyway then he doesn't care, he's just a dick.
But he's putting in a hell of a lot of effort to appear like he cares if he doesn't.
UGH

He holds my hand, he wraps his arm around me. He always pays for stuff.

Unless you are about 14 I think you have to realise this does not make a relationship. Your bar is set very low.

Love and commitment are different things. Do you want both from him ? You can have a long exclusive relationship without being engaged or married or moving in together.

To add he’s done nothing wrong at all he’s just been honest

To add he’s done nothing wrong at all he’s just been honest

I agree with this.

He's been honest about what he wants and how he feels. If you go along with it, he'll just assume you're happy with the relationship as it stands. You are free to leave if it's not meeting your needs.

At the moment, its convenient for both of you - you because it mimics a loving relationship, even though it isn't; him because he enjoys your company.

Why he so passive in it all?

You can't change his feelings. You can make a choice.

Sadly I think you are a place holder, someone who he "dates" and has sex with until something more suitable for him comes along. Why be without when you can have company and sex but no commitment? Or he just doesn't want the commitment of an actual exclusive relationship.

My SIL had this (no children though) and he said he was still in love with his ex (no children, a very long relationship, lived together but no commitment) and that she might take him back so he could not commit to my SIL. She was all well at least he is being honest, I told her to close her fucking legs then. He went running back to his ex the second she would have him.

You want a relationship with someone that loves you, he has told you this isn't him. What do you want for your future? You have children, you need a man who will love you and your children.

If it’s so lovely in the way you describe them why isn’t he more forward in making the relationship solid/stable? It’s because he’s avoidant? He can’t emotionally commit? The kids are an excuse maybe? It gives him a convenient reason to just “dabble”. He gets to dip in and out (and dip his willy in and out) but you don’t get the commitment you need to feel secure. Basically his needs are being met. Yours aren’t. This means he has no incentive to change.

I think if he's carrying on knowing how you feel it does make him a dick yes.

If it’s so lovely in the way you describe them why isn’t he more forward in making the relationship solid/stable?

He’s answered this, he doesn’t have the same level of feelings as the op does and doesn’t wish to move it forward.

I don’t think it’s fair on the op but he has been clear, so the decision on whether to continue rests with her. I get the friend saying he should end it for the ops sake and he’s a dick if he doesn’t, but it seems he is content with this for now, and has been clear on his feelings and the future. Which is fair enough.

Op, I’m not sure what advice to give. You know you’re going to get hurt, but if you can’t end it. I’m not sure what is to be done. Other than wait for the inevitable.

He is literally my best friend with a side of sex
Yes this is great if it works both ways =FWB
But you know it's not like that from your perspective.

I think it really depends what you want op. If you want the happy family with him being step dad then he isnt the person for you. If your happy to date and keep family seperate then perhaps it will work.

If he’s your best friend then just take sex off the table and be mates? Find somebody who wants to be in a committed relationship with you as that’s what you want?

Thanks for replies.

I don't think he's done anything wrong. I think he does care for me.
He has been completely honest. We've talked about this before and in fairness, I have 'hidden' my growing feelings but I also think it's quite obvious.

He's the type who will go for weeks and weeks without contacting Friends and family. He leads a relatively remote life. But he contacts me everyday.

I am posting this because I know I will get hurt and I know it isn't his fault. I'm giving him a green light.
A part of me wants to move on but a part can't let go.

I do find it interesting that during lockdown he has kept up the contact. There has been so sexual 'contact' of any nature. We don't sext, no phone sex, nothing like that. Just chit chat and friendship stuff.

I don't know what advice I was hoping for. More of a getting it out I guess.

Thank you!

Hes told you he doesn't want what you do. You are wasting your time here.

If he dropped you the minute he can't get access to sex with you he would look like a blatant user. How hard is it to chat with someone during lockdown? So yes he's been a bit of a dick. Your children is not something you can change, compromise or work on, so he's using the perfect excuse to not commit to you or your children. I personally couldn't be attracted to someone like that. A date once called my children baggage and my vagina practically freeze dried on the spot. Feb, ok, but otherwise, he's using you for sex no matter how much he's pretending otherwise

Every minute you spend thinking about him / talking to him etc is a minute you steal from your future self. Because you've said you DO want a long term committed relationship.

So every minute with him is a minute you are unable to spend either working on yourself or (in a non lockdown world) working towards meeting someone who does want the same as you.

You're just delaying the inevitable, you absolutely must do something about this as you're already sounding like you're over reliant on him and view him as a sort of one stop shop confidant / best friend / lover / supporter etc.

Which is what a partner should be of course, so move on from this guy and allow yourself to be in a position to have that with someone for real!

Why does he not contact friends and family? Because he won't commit to those relationships either.
He dips in and out. He leaves when the going gets tough. These types don't change. What ages are you both? What does he do for a job?
He only wants a part of you. He's told you he doesn't want anything to do with your kids. That's not a best friend really is it.
He doesn't have to do anything difficult or uncomfortable.

Perhaps you should stop having sex with him and explain its because no form of contraception is 100% safe and you respect that he doesn’t want to be a family with you and an unplanned pregnancy is something you can’t face alone.

If he still acts like your best friend then perhaps that’s what he wants to be. While dating others he may or may not tell you about.

Or perhaps he will realise he has changed his mind and a family with you isn’t so scary.

If I were a betting man..

Don’t have sex with him, focus your energies elsewhere.

Yes, I'd place odds on option A too.

We're both in our thirties. He's in media.

Going to sound stupid but posting this here is a big step for me.
I'm acknowledging it and I guess, preparing myself, building myself up for that next step.

Thank you for your replies. I know I have to rip the band aid off. I just don't want to, so it's going to take something huge of me.
I just got furloughed and I'm struggling with lockdown.

It feels like everything is happening at once.

Just resurrecting an old thread.

I ripped the band off and told him.
I asked him to go away. To not contact me again. Told him how I felt and that I couldn't stand by and watch him dating others. That it hurt to much.
And now I deeply regret it.

Turned to my best friend who just keeps saying she doesn't understand why I'm so upset, like sure you're heartbroken but why are you SO upset and I now feel I can't talk about it.
I so desperately want to call him and say I made a mistake and my life without him is worse.

He was nice enough when I told him, and he left it with it won't contact you unless you invite it'

Which makes it worse! Because he left it open! And I do want to hear from him, I do want to talk to him.
But I think I've destroyed any friendship we could have.

He said 'one day you'll meet someone and 2 years time we'll be sitting in a pub laughing about this'

I'm so low and broken right now. So sad and heartbroken.
The last 2 nights I've put one of my kids in my bed cos I just don't want to be alone.

You don't shag your friends. He is not your friend.
Plus telling you that you'll meet someone 2 years from now and we will have a laugh about it shows he isn't even bothered if you hook up with someone else.
Block him and detox from this. Reframe it as it is, not the romantic ideal.
He liked the friends with benefits and you want more. It can't go on.
The right man is out there but you won't be open to finding him when your head is all in this.
I know how painful it is but it will pass